Child-free

[RetiredAndFree]

I think you have to really, really want kids, because it isn't for sissies! And it doesn't end at adulthood - for as long as you live you will feel and share not only their joys, but also their pains.

From a happiness standpoint, though, I just don't see a difference. You can have a wonderful life either way. One choice is different from the other, but different is not inherently good or bad. It's just different.

 

[chris66]

We are child-free, but not for lack of trying. We cherish the kids of family and friends that are in our lives. There was a time when not having kids of our own was a wound, but time has healed that. We're at peace with this, and have talked about how not having kids is definitely what allowed us to take our lives in it's current direction. We have a lot of freedom. So, we're happy with how it worked out, after all. Love being an Aunt Love retiring at 48, too!

 

[check6]

Never wanted, never had, never saw the point.

+1

 

[bUU]

So, for those forum members who are child-free, was there anything that drove you to that conclusion? Or just a "I don't really want kids?" Or were you in the group that thinks "if I don't KNOW that I want kids, I shouldn't have them?"

We're in our 50s now, so I guess it's pretty much a done deal. We never had much of a discussion about it. We were attracted to each other because of shared interests and priorities. The matter of children came up a couple of times in passing, with no real soul-searching needed by either of us. I don't think we have actually even spoken about it again, since we were married. It just never came up - as never something either of us ever second-guessed.

Wife and I kinda fall in that last group right now. We wonder if we can be the best parents we can be if we aren't just SURE that we want kids.

Now... you listen to the child-free person giving you advice about parenting... Seriously, you really should. Everyone has their own biases, and parents are very much biased about their parenting and about parenting in general. If you want to know about parenting - all about parenting - you need to listen to both parents and folks who are old enough to have significant first-hand experience observing parenting, who are able to view parenting from an outsider's perspective.

Here's what I think: There is very little correlation between the quality of a child's upbringing and the confidence the parent has in their parenting skill, as that's typically considered. The best parents - the parents with the objectively-best parenting skills - have produced some of the most well-adjusted children and some of the least well-adjusted children. The worst parents have also produced some of the most well-adjusted children and some of the least well-adjusted children. That's not to say parents have no impact on their children (but it sure seems that way sometimes).

I do know that we're riding a fine line between affording a comfortable retirement and not. In other threads I've mentioned that I've had to make several iffy assumptions to make the numbers work out. I really wonder how my siblings will make out, given that they started out in the same situation as I, haven't varied that much in terms of the path along they way - except for having children. That didn't factor into our decision to be child-free, but it is still something I wonder about.

 

[Amethyst]

Plus, if you have kids really late, they have to put up with their friends, and friends' parents, mistaking you for their grandparents. This can be highly embarrassing for teenagers.

Amethyst

 

[JoeWras]

But, keep in mind you can end up with some challenging situations if things don't go according to plan. As a for instance, we had our oldest daughter pass away at a young age and that tragedy about mentally ruined DW and me (and our youngest daughter). It's very tough to bury your children.

We're both the youngest -- by far -- of our families and witnessed some of this with our families. I think that was a factor for us.

That and we never felt the call.

 

[Hermit]

We were child free for 10 years. It was a wonderful time. Lived on both coasts and in Colorado. Loved doing all the young adult things. We didn't think we would ever have children. Just didn't happen. Then, suddenly, Bam! we had two 13 months apart. Raising children was also a wonderful time.

On good parenting and resulting good offspring: It is amazing to me how absolutely different in every measure two kids raised side-by-side can be. That said, love them both.

 

[gardenfun]

Never felt the "call", was sure in my 20's I didn't want kids, finally in our 30's decided what the heck and had two sons, now 24 and 27. I was a fulltime working mother throughout most of their childhood.

Parenting has been the most wonderful challenge of my life. It has taught me to be more accepting of how other people lead their lives, and how to love without strings attached. Wouldn't have traded it for anything.

I still wake up in the middle of the night worrying about them--they're both married and there is one grandchild.

Just wanted to make the point that you don't have to be 100% sure that you want kids in order for it to work out wonderfully (most of the time ).

 

[Mulligan]

Plus, if you have kids really late, they have to put up with their friends, and friends' parents, mistaking you for their grandparents. This can be highly embarrassing for teenagers.

Amethyst

One friend of mine had his first child at 43, another at almost 40 (none are school age yet) and I remind them of that often. Although I pound my friend more and let his spouse off the hook. Such as "Why does your mom live with your grandpa. Where is your dad at?" A couple serious thoughts though on the subject that I have learned through them (my child is already in college). Be cognizant of the fact that over the years you have accumulated habits and routines that you may or may not be aware of. All of these will be destroyed by having a child. It really took my friends by surprise. Yes, they love their kids, but they do miss the routines and spontaneity that they used to both have.
Also, though I still remain close to them phone wise. The interactions have decreased considerably. Your friends who either do not have kids or have them already out the door, may not want to be as involved socially with you, as there will become a natural divergence in tastes/interests. IE- Going to the zoo or see Santa Clause as opposed to a concert or dinner. Late 30s parents may not be as inclined to socialize in a group of 20 something's having children. Not a deal breaker either way, just throwing out some things to ponder. Oh and yes they are way more tired now as older parents, too!


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[Walt34]

I never wanted kids. I was afraid I'd get one like me. As my Mom often put it "The Lord made them cute so you wouldn't drown them".

Seriously, I'd look around at friends with kids and although to a person they enjoyed their children, it just didn't appeal to me. DW felt the same way, of course we talked about that before the marriage.

But we do enjoy her nephew's kids and more recently her niece just had a baby boy.

 

[check6]

So, for those forum members who are child-free, was there anything that drove you to that conclusion? Or just a "I don't really want kids?" Or were you in the group that thinks "if I don't KNOW that I want kids, I shouldn't have them?

Why is the question always phrased as why one chose not to have children? In this day of both spouses working, 50% divorce rate, high unemployment, shouldn't the question be, why did you choose to have children?

 

[Corporate ORphan]

Both DH and I are 58. No kids. He was the oldest of 7 and I was the youngest of 3. I never was around kids much except for babysitting. A couple of times I babysat for babies that I couldn't get to stop crying so I never was very good with them.

I wasn't sure at first if I wanted them (too busy having fun, working etc. when I was younger). He never wanted them being around them all his life growing up.

I worried that I would regret it when it got too late to have them. Never happened. I am sooooooooooo glad we didn't have kids. We were able to retire fairly young (DH is late 40s me at 53) when our companies were bought out.

 

[LOL!]

Our kids were born when we were in our late 30's with last one at ages 39. We had already established ourselves in our routines, jobs, friends, and family, so the kids really didn't have much of an impact. They didn't cost much since we already were settled in on where we lived. That is, we didn't move just because we had kids.

We had no problem socializing with younger parents and friends with kids the same age. Indeed, I think we had more time for volunteering at school and for example coaching lots of youth sports which was a real blast.

We had no problem socializing with child-free people and also older folks whose kids had already grown.

We turned out alright and I think are financially pretty much in the same place as without kids. Part of the reason is that we invested plenty before the kids came along and were nearly FI at that time. That money just kept growing/compounding just as the kids kept growing.

And I think the kids have turned out alright, too.

Things our kids did not get: cars, private school, new clothes. Things our kids did get: Scouts, music, art, sports, charitable work in thrift shops, travel with and without us. Once the kids are about 12, they pretty much have their own lives and can pretty much function with only mild contact with parents anyways. One can meet all requests for money with the response "Get a job." It works.

Anyways, I just don't believe in all the drama about child-free vs others. You are your own person. Do what you want.

 

[LOL!]

Plus, if you have kids really late, they have to put up with their friends, and friends' parents, mistaking you for their grandparents. This can be highly embarrassing for teenagers.

Amethyst

Ha! My daughter was mistaken for my trophy wife once. She did not like that at all.

 

[Sue J]

I grew up in a time when it was just expected that I'd have children. Then in the 70's feminism happened and birth control was accessible and dependable. We got married at 21 and although we knew we didn't want kids right away, it was assumed that of course we'd have kids.

So I took a few years and just tried to think about the option of not having kids. What if we didn't, what if we just went on with just the 2 of us?

Then my sister had her first baby. DH was looking at leaving his job for 2 years to go to graduate school so being child free worked well. Then my sister had her 2nd baby and I started feeling twinges of biology and the instinct to reproduce and nurture. DH was still in graduate school for another year and by the time he finished we were already thinking about houses and a family.

Although my head wanted to consider not going with the expected path, my heart and my gut wanted children. We originally wanted 4 kids (I wanted all boys) but after 2 sons I just felt done.

For us it's been fantastic, the most fun we've had, but I know it's not for everyone.

 

[Calgary_Girl]

Our kids were born when we were in our late 30's with last one at ages 39. We had already established ourselves in our routines, jobs, friends, and family, so the kids really didn't have much of an impact. They didn't cost much since we already were settled in on where we lived. That is, we didn't move just because we had kids.

We had no problem socializing with younger parents and friends with kids the same age. Indeed, I think we had more time for volunteering at school and for example coaching lots of youth sports which was a real blast.

We had no problem socializing with child-free people and also older folks whose kids had already grown.

We turned out alright and I think are financially pretty much in the same place as without kids. Part of the reason is that we invested plenty before the kids came along and were nearly FI at that time. That money just kept growing/compounding just as the kids kept growing.

And I think the kids have turned out alright, too.

Things our kids did not get: cars, private school, new clothes. Things our kids did get: Scouts, music, art, sports, charitable work in thrift shops, travel with and without us. Once the kids are about 12, they pretty much have their own lives and can pretty much function with only mild contact with parents anyways. One can meet all requests for money with the response "Get a job." It works.

Anyways, I just don't believe in all the drama about child-free vs others. You are your own person. Do what you want.

+1

Our two girls are 8 (in a couple of weeks) and 4 and I'm 41 and DH is 44. Most of our social circle also had kids later in life so we fit in just fine with our crowd. I find it more uncommon these days for someone in their early 20's to have children actually.

Having kids has taught us to be more patient and to see the joy in our kids as they discover new things. Being a mom has been the most challenging job that I have ever had and the most rewarding. When they give me a hug and say "I love you" for no reason at all, I know the true meaning of unconditional love.

We are still on path to ER....being an older parent means that we don't have as much energy, BUT, it does mean that we could financially afford them and we can afford for me to be a SAHM. Kids are only as expensive as you make them to be .

 

[scrabbler1]

Why is the question always phrased as why one chose not to have children? In this day of both spouses working, 50% divorce rate, high unemployment, shouldn't the question be, why did you choose to have children?

+1. I'd like to see more of this, too.

 

[LOL!]

^I chose to have kids so that I could do scientific and psychological experiments on my own kids instead of on all my friends' kids.

When they were younger, I would tell them that their eyes changed color every time they blinked. "Oh your eyes are now green! How did you did that? Ooops, you blinked, your eyes have changed to blue now."

And how about the very common "If you don't go to sleep right away, the Bogeyman will come and get you."

 

[martyp]

Never wanted, never had, never saw the point.

Ditto

 

[gardenfun]

one thing that helped me in my decision: you don't have to like kids in general to like your own.

In my 20's I mentioned to a colleague that I wasn't sure if I should have kids cuz I didn't necessarily like them very much. He (having two of his own) said: "hey I don't like other people's kids either. But I like my own."

I'm still not crazy about kids in general--don't fawn over babies, etc. But I still like my own.

 

[someguy]

Really insightful arguments on both sides -- nothing less than I'd expect on this forum.

One thing I'd point out is that it may be erroneous to assume all parents are glad they are parents. If you Google phrases like "I regret having kids" or "I hate being a parent", you'll see there's a huge group of people out there (mostly women, sadly) who feel enormously trapped or regretful of becoming a parent. It's just that the social disapproval bestowed upon a parent who says he/she wishes otherwise is enormous. Perhaps more scorn than any other thing someone could do.

 

[scrabbler1]

Really insightful arguments on both sides -- nothing less than I'd expect on this forum.

One thing I'd point out is that it may be erroneous to assume all parents are glad they are parents. If you Google phrases like "I regret having kids" or "I hate being a parent", you'll see there's a huge group of people out there (mostly women, sadly) who feel enormously trapped or regretful of becoming a parent. It's just that the social disapproval bestowed upon a parent who says he/she wishes otherwise is enormous. Perhaps more scorn than any other thing someone could do.

+1. And if you look for phrases such as "I regret not having kids" you find nearly nothing. Totally one-sided.

 

[nash031]

Plus, if you have kids really late, they have to put up with their friends, and friends' parents, mistaking you for their grandparents. This can be highly embarrassing for teenagers.

Amethyst

Nice point! My dad was 42 when he had me, and most are shocked that when I was 20 he was 62... they said "no way!" Both DW and I have good genes... up until recently, she was getting carded at restaurants. She's 33.

I only made it to about 30 or 31 before people stopped carding me.

 

[youbet]

Ha! My daughter was mistaken for my trophy wife once. She did not like that at all.

Your daughter and your trophy wife look very much alike?

 

[youbet]

one thing that helped me in my decision: you don't have to like kids in general to like your own.

In my 20's I mentioned to a colleague that I wasn't sure if I should have kids cuz I didn't necessarily like them very much. He (having two of his own) said: "hey I don't like other people's kids either. But I like my own."

I'm still not crazy about kids in general--don't fawn over babies, etc. But I still like my own.

Great observation gardenfun! And that's how it's worked with me. I cherish my role in both my immediate and extended family. But, I don't seek out opportunities to be with children in general to any great extent.