Cutting off adult children

[haha]

Ps.- I am not so happy with myself. Clearly I dropped the ball here. I need to have more detailed conversations with my children about financial issues.


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It sounds like you have a high class daughter. I would be wary of blindly putting into place some of the suggestions that you might get here. Remember, you always want your children to like you, as well as respect you.

Ha

 

[redduck]

^ What haha said and more.

I was impressed with how your daughter handled her financial problems--she took care of them herself--without your knowledge. Do you have any idea why she didn't tell you about the traffic ticket or the doctor's appointment? You might consider staying away from financial issues for now and instead work on being more comfortable with one another. She sounds much more responsible than you've made her out to be in your original post.

 

[tmm99]

I liked the way this story ended!

You have a nice daughter and with a little more communication with a little more guidance, I have a feeling both of you will be saving money.

 

[aja8888]

I liked the way this story ended!

You have a nice daughter and with a little more communication with a little more guidance, I have a feeling both of you will be saving money.

Agreed with above, and maybe even get to know each other a little better.

 

[Sunset]

I imagine it would be hard to learn the value of a dollar if everything is handed to you with no effort on your part.

Oh it is.
I see the results of that.
One is nearly 60, (not the previous 2 examples I mentioned). His parents paid for his house roof, created a job for him, bought him numerous cars over the years, and paid the car insurance, and gave him cash to help him out. All while he was married to an older woman (which his parents were happy about as she was like a mother to him).
Why should he work
He never even took care of the possessions, since he had no value of work associated with them, the house should be condemned as he let it rot.

What is the value of bothering to work when everything is nearly free.
I grew up with him, so I know he is just simply lazy, even as a kid he was lazy, too smart to work and sweat

 

[Sunset]

My parents let me live at home free while going to College, but they told me once I was done college and got a job, I would pay rent while living at home.
That was fine by me, and there was no talk of paying it back to me.

So OP's daughter does not understand how health care works, and even traffic tickets. Plus she does seem to spend all her money even though home is free, which is why the 2 bills threw her off so much.

Imagine if she had to pay $400/mo share of house expenses.

 

[steelyman]

It's very good that the talking is going. Still, one can't be "independent when I want to be", because that is still "dependent".

 

[daylatedollarshort]

It sounds like you have a high class daughter. I would be wary of blindly putting into place some of the suggestions that you might get here. Remember, you always want your children to like you, as well as respect you.

Ha

+1. And besides that, they might be picking out your nursing home some day or making critical healthcare decisions on your behalf.

Good work Prose on handling the situation with TLC and being able to see things from your daughter's perspective.

 

[MRG]

Prose,
You took big steps, great. Put in perspective what young person hasn't made some mistakes? I made plenty starting out.

 

[ProspectiveBum]

Prose,
You took big steps, great. Put in perspective what young person hasn't made some mistakes? I made plenty starting out.

+1

She's trying to do the right things, even if she's making mistakes along the way. Not all people have that instinct/desire. She'll do fine.

 

[tmm99]

+1

She's trying to do the right things, even if she's making mistakes along the way. Not all people have that instinct/desire. She'll do fine.

+1

 

[EastWest Gal]

Yea.... I wish I could get this past DW... DS is 17 and does not work... he spend 5 days a week in the gym after school (which I pay for)...

I cannot complain too much as he is one of the top students in school and does all his homework without us saying a word... he is in a couple of engineering competitions and so far has placed first in them.... going to regional next.... has a possibility of winning a scholarship or two.... however, I still think a job with others making demands on him would be something good for him....

I always told DS that school was his job. If your son was in medical school (1st 2 years with 32 hrs in class per week and double that time studying) and the next 2 years at the hospital all day then studying) would you expect him to also work?

To the OP, it sounds like your bringing up the subject opened a floodgate of information and an opening for communication that she needed too. DH and I found ourselves with $1000 less than expected...on our honeymoon. We barely scraped by. Got a loan from a friend when we got back home. Never told our parents. I'm sure it's a relief to your daughter to find out you have her back. I'm not sure our parents' would have been so kind.


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[Amethyst]

I love how this story played out. I kept thinking the daughter might be stressed out by watching someone else's kids all day long 6 days a week and might just have been snappish. Now we know she was dealing with even more stress. All will work out, I suspect.

On the slightly-germane topic Sunset touches on: I've been around more than one highly-intelligent lazy person who manages to arrange his/her life so everyone else becomes staff. They are like human cats!

In fact, this type of person is something of a leitmotif or "meme" in literature. My older brother had a novel titled "The Mudhen," who was a very smart, very lazy boy whose hobby was solving mysteries, at and around his private prep school. Other than that, he despised effort and did as little as possible. Things somehow always worked out for him.

Amethyst

What is the value of bothering to work when everything is nearly free.
I grew up with him, so I know he is just simply lazy, even as a kid he was lazy, too smart to work and sweat

 

[prose3589]

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I am very proud of her. I am going to be more open about financial issues with my kids. I forget they need the information.

A friend said"you can't put an old head on a young body". I am reminded of that every day.


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[Bestwifeever]

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I am very proud of her. I am going to be more open about financial issues with my kids. I forget they need the information.

A friend said"you can't put an old head on a young body". I am reminded of that every day.


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That is a great saying. And you did splendidly with your DD.

 

[poorcarver]

My personal favorite cutting off kids story. When I was a Sophomore in Engineering I had a good friend who like me was on ROTC scholarship, which at that time covered everything. At Xmas break he goes home and discovers that his parents moved and did not tell him where they went. He showed up at my door asking if he could crash as the dorm was closed. He finally wrote a letter to the old address that was forwarded. They had moved and he was not welcome any more. Oh well.

 

[Philliefan33]

Wow. That's not how families should behave

 

[HFWR]

Wow. That's not how families should behave

Unfortunately, they often do. Nothing magical about "family"...

 

[Katiek]

Prose, thanks for the update. It sounds like your daughter has a good sense of financial responsibility and a desire to be independent, but she's still a little naive about some financial realities. That is absolutely normal, most of us learn by our experiences and make mistakes in our early years that help us become more sophisticated.

I think your plan to have some more ongoing and open conversations about financial topics are good, and will help her learn about some issues she may not have faced before. And as long as she's working and trying to be responsible, I think it's great that you can be there to help her when she needs it. As I mentioned before, my parents always told my siblings and me that we'd have a home with them whenever we needed or wanted one, and that was a very reassuring thing to know, even when we didn't take them up on the offer.

 

[utrecht]

My personal favorite cutting off kids story. When I was a Sophomore in Engineering I had a good friend who like me was on ROTC scholarship, which at that time covered everything. At Xmas break he goes home and discovers that his parents moved and did not tell him where they went. He showed up at my door asking if he could crash as the dorm was closed. He finally wrote a letter to the old address that was forwarded. They had moved and he was not welcome any more. Oh well.

Moving without telling your child is ridiculous enough in itself but to do it to a kid on an ROTC scholarship which shows a serious sense of responsibility is practically criminal. He is probably better off without them.

 

[MichaelB]

Nothing magical about "family"...

I'm not so sure about that. They often think I can do magic, like make money grow on trees or create stuff out of thin air. The only magic I can do is make people disappear at the snap of my fingers - just by using the phrase "who's going to do this..." Houdini would be envious.

 

[easysurfer]

I'm sorry to say but you have trained her well. Sounds like some tough love should be coming her way.

True. But the tough love could lead her to move in with type of guy her parents warned her about

Not saying this is the case, but I've seen that happen. Ah.. family dynamics

 

[robnplunder]

Hear, hear! Kids today do not have it "easy," but they don't have it any harder than some did 35-40 years ago; let alone 35-40 years before that (my parents told some hair-raising tales of bad jobs, desperately hung onto, and eating crackers and ketchup off restaurant tables). The "we have it harder these days" is a myth the young ones are all too ready to believe. Well, Iguess, if it makes them feel better....

Amethyst

I had not heard that from DS or any of his friends when they were growing up. That's news to me.

But it's true that in major urban areas, it has gotten a lot more difficult to get an affordable housing for people with single income, lower paying job, etc.. One of new employee fresh out of college is paying his mom rent otherwise he won't be able to save.

 

[NW-Bound]

Reading people's stories makes me feel happy to have my relationship with my parents, my kids, my siblings and their children. I guess not too many get to host big parties for the holidays, Mother's Day and Father's Day like I do. We have close to 30 sometimes.

 

[prose3589]

NW- I will have 30 for Easter. Your point is well taken. I am lucky to have a great family. Even though I am frustrated by some of them at various times. Put that aside. I am blessed.


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