Introvert Party Hosting

[jjquantz]

DW and I are cleaning up today after hosting our 28th (?) annual Holiday Party. Many of our friends wonder how two people who are as quiet and introverted as we are can host such a large/great party. Here are a few things we have learned.

When we host a party:

1) We control the guest list - the only people who are going to be there are people we like (or at least tolerate). Also, we won't have to meet any strangers.
2) We control the noise level. It's our music and our volume settings.
3) We always have excuses to end a conversation. "Uh sorry, I just heard DW call me." "I need to go check on the wine." "There's the doorbell, be right back." "Time to put some more "whatever" in the oven."
4) We can direct the interactions. "Oh, you've never heard the harpsichord. Let's go down and I'll play something for you." That's always good for at least 15 minutes without talking because others will always join us and ask for additional music. And there's always, "Oh, let me introduce you to..."
5) We are fortunate that DD#1 is local to help us. Between our younger friends and hers we always have a fair number of BABIES and small children in the mix. Babies are the ultimate low-stress interaction. Hold a baby for 15 minutes and the parents are happy and you can just make faces at the kid and not converse with any other adults.
6) We have a large house relative to the number of guests that we invite so that there is always a room or the patio where we can duck out for a minute or two to catch our breath or converse with just a couple of people.

I can't stand going to other people's parties, but DW and I both have a good time at the one or two events we host each year. We're always exhausted the next day, but that's ok.

Any other introverts have successful party hosting strategies that they would like to share?

 

[Sarah in SC]

We used to throw a huge St Pats party every year, and there was always a point a couple of hours ahead when I just wished I could take off and disappear until the party was over. The planning was what I enjoyed the most, and I tend to dread the actual event itself.
I honestly don't miss throwing a party for 100 people, but we've had quite a few parties since then with some smaller numbers that went well.
Key for me is to have a good mix of random weird people who can entertain each other, and not rely on me to sit with them and talk. Bonus points for anyone legit crazy enough to sing karaoke, run naked in the yard, or jump in the fire. They tend to distract folks from my introvert tendencies.
No children, though, because frankly no one should consider it safe to hand most of my friends an actual baby for any length of time.

 

[W2R]

Any other introverts have successful party hosting strategies that they would like to share?

Introvert? Hosting parties?

Here's a great strategy: ~~~~>>

 

[jjquantz]

I think that if DW could just plan and prepare the party and then hand it off to someone else she would be almost as happy. Our numbers have run from about 50 up to 100, closer to the low end since we've moved to the DC area. Nearly all of our friends are good conversationalists so we rarely feel trapped with anyone.

What we really dislike is the (one) person who shows up late after everyone else has left and we are already 90% through the initial cleanup. Last night she had the gall to say, "You need more friends who stay up late." No, what we need is to get to bed. Of course, this friend came to us by way of crazy BIL, so she would not have been one of our natural invitees. But DW is too nice to cut her off the list.

 

[splitwdw]

jjquantz, Extroverts do the same things for a large party. Unless you use a caterer and hired help, you and spouse are the wait staff for the night. You greet the guests, pour the drinks, introduce people, set out the food, replace the food, put coats away and then get them out again and say good night. I've never had time to carry on a long conversation (let a lone play a musical instrument), even with close friends.

 

[jjquantz]

Introvert? Hosting parties?

Here's a great strategy: ~~~~>>

I typically take 3 or 4 brief timeouts over the course of the evening. That's what the master bathroom is for.

 

[Meadbh]

Any other introverts have successful party hosting strategies that they would like to share?

I don't host parties! I do have friends over for supper or to host an activity, but six is about my limit. I especially do not feel comfortable inviting strangers into my home.

 

[W2R]

I don't host parties!

+1 Me either! That's just not in my comfort zone.

I typically take 3 or 4 brief timeouts over the course of the evening. That's what the master bathroom is for.

The best time out lasts from before the party starts, to well after it ends. Why do you throw parties, anyway? As an introvert, I can't imagine that this is something that you especially relish doing or that is more pleasant than bamboo splinters under the fingernails. Don't allow yourself to be pushed into things you don't care for.

The last party I hosted was in 1960. My home is my castle, yes MY castle, nobody else's, and I am an introvert. I have enjoyed the past 55 years of not inviting groups of people to come to MY house and stress me out with things like not leaving at a reasonable hour. Amazingly, the people I care about don't care, because they understand me and like me the way I am.

If I ever invite large groups of people here then please have me committed to a psychiatric ward.

 

[samclem]

Assuming there will be at least some introverts invited to the party, what can be done to make them most comfortable (or at "least uncomfortable")? As an introvert, what I like at a party:
-- A guest list with predominantly people I already know, or at least enough of them that I can fill the evening without the exhausting ritual of spending half the time making introductions/being introduced.
-- Having something to do. If there's something to focus on rather than >just< socializing, then it takes the pressure off. And, ultimately, I often meet more people as we engage in the project/task, and we automatically have something natural to talk about. A close friend always invites DW and I to her home for Thanksgiving, along with lots of her family. I'm so thankful that she lets me carve the turkey (though I do a marginal job) and lets me bus the dishes, etc.
-- A controversial suggestion: Put a TV on in an out of the way room. Often there are people attending primarily because they are the spouse of the "genuine" invitee. They know no one there, and might really prefer to watch sports. I wouldn't do it, but if I invite people to a party and that's what they want to do, I will be a good host and facilitate it.
-- If feasible, know enough about guests (especially the introverts) and their interests to make meaningful introductions. "When you told me at work that you like classic Japanese cars, I thought you'd like to meet Jim, he used to own a 240Z. Jim, Bill here was stationed in Japan and owned a Cosmo."

 

[W2R]

Assuming there will be at least some introverts invited to the party, what can be done to make them most comfortable (or at "least uncomfortable")?

Oooh! Oooh!! Pick me! I know! I know!!! (Waving my hand in the air like Horshack on Welcome Back Kotter)

What you can do to make them more comfortable, is to graciously accept their decline of the invitation, warmly and without judgment or pressure.

 

[Meadbh]

What you can do to make them more comfortable, is to graciously accept their decline of the invitation, warmly and without judgment or pressure.

+1000

 

[rodi]

We host a big dinner party every Christmas Eve - about 15 people. We serve seven different fish dishes in the southern Italian/Sicilian tradition. The focus is on the food rather than me entertaining anyone. I'm usually so busy in the kitchen (with DH) that guests have to entertain themselves. The guest list is a mix of family and interesting people we've found along the way. No vegetarians or people who hate fish though... why waste the 7 fish dishes on someone who won't appreciate it. We can fit, max, 16 people at our table with custom extension... we serve it all family style.

The only reason I do it is because I love cooking and I love the idea of continuing a tradition that my husband's Italian Nonne used to do.

That's it for hosting/entertaining for me... other than that it's strictly family gatherings.

 

[jjquantz]

Assuming there will be at least some introverts invited to the party, what can be done to make them most comfortable (or at "least uncomfortable")? As an introvert, what I like at a party:
-- A guest list with predominantly people I already know, or at least enough of them that I can fill the evening without the exhausting ritual of spending half the time making introductions/being introduced.

Yes, we generally have a guest list which is structured around 3 or 4 distinct groups of people who know each other.


-- Having something to do. If there's something to focus on rather than >just< socializing, then it takes the pressure off. And, ultimately, I often meet more people as we engage in the project/task, and we automatically have something natural to talk about. A close friend always invites DW and I to her home for Thanksgiving, along with lots of her family. I'm so thankful that she lets me carve the turkey (though I do a marginal job) and lets me bus the dishes, etc.

Several of our invitees are musicians. We will often "demonstrate" our musical instruments to the group. It's really just an excuse for us to jam and not have to talk.

-- A controversial suggestion: Put a TV on in an out of the way room. Often there are people attending primarily because they are the spouse of the "genuine" invitee. They know no one there, and might really prefer to watch sports. I wouldn't do it, but if I invite people to a party and that's what they want to do, I will be a good host and facilitate it.

Always have the TV on in the back room with a "kids movie". Last night it was Star Wars, Episode 4. SIL#1 (a solid introvert) spent some time back there.

-- If feasible, know enough about guests (especially the introverts) and their interests to make meaningful introductions. "When you told me at work that you like classic Japanese cars, I thought you'd like to meet Jim, he used to own a 240Z. Jim, Bill here was stationed in Japan and owned a Cosmo."

I'm not so good at this, but DW does a great job.

We also have a large enough house that most of the congregating occurs in one room, but small groups trickle onto the patio or into the music room. This allows introverts to get away from the crowd. Last night I probably spent less than 10 minutes in the main gathering area.

I realize that for some of you the idea of hosting a party is anathema, but DW and I, despite being pretty darned introverted, do feel a need to do something for our friends once each year. I still maintain that it is MUCH easier for me to HOST a party than to ATTEND someone else's. I am so thankful that my daughters are going to be around for New Year's Eve. They provided me with the needed excuse to turn down a golf buddy's invite to his NYE party. We went for 2 hours a couple of years ago and THAT was torture.

 

[jjquantz]

We host a big dinner party every Christmas Eve - about 15 people. We serve seven different fish dishes in the southern Italian/Sicilian tradition. The focus is on the food rather than me entertaining anyone. I'm usually so busy in the kitchen (with DH) that guests have to entertain themselves. The guest list is a mix of family and interesting people we've found along the way. No vegetarians or people who hate fish though... why waste the 7 fish dishes on someone who won't appreciate it. We can fit, max, 16 people at our table with custom extension... we serve it all family style.

The only reason I do it is because I love cooking and I love the idea of continuing a tradition that my husband's Italian Nonne used to do.

That's it for hosting/entertaining for me... other than that it's strictly family gatherings.

DW LOVES to cook - the party gives her one big cooking blowout each year. [-]We[/-] She spends weeks planning the menu and we begin cooking and freezing items in October. There is something rewarding about cooking for others that she just doesn't get cooking for the 2 of us.

 

[Dash man]

Party?? Never!!!!


Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum

 

[Bamaman]

We only throw picnics at our lake house--fish fries--in early or late Summer.

After moving 300 miles and downsizing houses, our home is not configured to handle masses.

And after retiring, we don't do anything we don't want to do. And we don't choose to throw parties any longer.

 

[braumeister]

Luckily, DW and I are agreed that six people is our limit, and that includes us.

 

[Walt34]

Party? We don't host no stiinkin' parties.

Really, the last time we did that was ~25 years ago. It was exhausting for both of us. We can go to a party and we'll be generous with whatever wine/food we bring, but host one? No.

Fortunately DW's sister & hubby are extroverts and love to host the parties. This year we're bringing the Honeybaked ham for the Christmas dinner. Yum.

 

[ABQ2015]

I enjoy small gatherings but am just terrible at parties. I'm an introvert and must be the most boring person in the world because I cannot mingle or keep a conversation going. It's like being the unpopular girl at school all over again.

Our neighborhood association started a once a month cocktail party where a different neighbor hosts each time. I wanted desperately to go because we have some very nice houses in our area and I like to look at house décor. Went to one and it was a dismal failure. My neighbor hosted another one so I went to it which was a little better but not much. At least if you are the host, it is your house and you can keep busy with all the host duties. We attendees have to fend for ourselves.

Rodi, I'm not a big fan of fish except for shellfish but I would love to go to a Feast of the Seven Fishes. Sounds great!

 

[ERD50]

Fifty to 100 guests? Wow, that's a big group - are you sure you are an introvert? We haven't done that since BK (before Kids), outside of maybe a wedding/baby shower or something. Hmmm, OK, we hosted DW's work holiday party a few years back, but people bring stuff, as you are expected mostly to just provide the space and some basics.

It does help to have a large space, so people can break into groups. Like others have said, with that many people, you are doing a lot of checking up on everything - the next day I hardly recall talking to anyone, I was so busy.

So like boats, a vacation house, and several other luxuries, it's almost always better to have friends who have that stuff, and accept the occasional invite (and be generous in return, to hopefully get invited back!).

-ERD50

 

[Lucantes]

Any other introverts have successful party hosting strategies that they would like to share?

Not trying to be sarcastic here but this really doesn't make any sense to me. If a person was really an introvert type, why would they even want to host a party? Wouldn't it be hard enough to get them to go to a party, let alone hosting one of their own?

 

[24601NoMore]

I absolutely despise going to parties and have learned over the years that a larger number of people than you'd expect ALSO despise going to them.

Parties are frequently painful for people. You're forced to make idle chit chat, when - let's face it - making idle chit chat is not high on anyone else's "must do" list, either.

I have a "holiday" (what we used to call CHRISTMAS back in the days or yore) work party to go to this week and am absolutely dreading it. I'm still "the new guy" and really don't have any good friendships established yet. Sure, I know most of the people, but have already had a run in with the local office bully and that is going to make things even more uncomfortable..

If there was ANY way I could avoid going to this party, I absolutely would. Unfortunately, it would also be politically not a great move to do so, and I do need to try to increase my exposure to these people as we all work out of our houses and never generally see each other except during customer or internal meetings, which are not as frequent as one would think.

Ugh. Going to parties is literally like getting a root canal - WITHOUT novacaine.

Will let you all know if we survive the experience!

PS: Another good reason to RE - NO MORE WORK PARTIES!!!

 

[Philliefan33]

Next Sunday, I will be attending a holiday party hosted by his former boss. This is the third or fourth year we are attending. DH (who is even more introverted than me) wants to go to see the other retirees that will attend. I know them and their spouses, and will enjoy chatting with them.

The problem is, the host also invites his neighbors and fellow parents from his son's hoity-toity private high school. I'm sure some of them are nice people, but I usually get the vibe that "oh, you're one of Bob's subordinates/charity cases". It takes a lot of emotional energy for me to interact with strangers and there is often no payback at this party (meaning I don't meet anyone particularly interesting)

DH and I used to occasionally host the office party. I told him that next year, we will host a party and invite just the retirees/actives that we want to see.

 

[jjquantz]

Not trying to be sarcastic here but this really doesn't make any sense to me. If a person was really an introvert type, why would they even want to host a party? Wouldn't it be hard enough to get them to go to a party, let alone hosting one of their own?

This has been fun. Thanks to all of you for your responses. Let me reiterate several points.

1) For those of you who have asked - Yes, I really am an introvert and I have the MBTI scores to prove it .
2) It is clear that there are many people on this list who are more introverted than I - some by a large margin, apparently. I need to relay this to DW when she complains about my "misanthropic" tendencies.
3) Some of you seem to have missed the point - I also HATE GOING TO PARTIES, but by hosting one I can maintain enough control to make it, yes, enjoyable.
4) Related to the last, Saturday night I spent probably 75% of the evening in conversation with one person or a couple in rooms where there were no other people present. Control the environment!
5) I am reminded of a thread on public speaking and introversion. Several introverts reported that they could address crowds without being nervous, it was all about being in control of the situation. Similarly, in my last 2 j*bs, I sometimes had occasion to address large crowds. I felt NO apprehension in doing this, I knew what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. The networking that had to be done afterward, on the other hand, was brutal. I never had anything to say, I always felt like I was walking a tightrope and any verbal misstep would lead to disaster.
6) In short, it's all about control. By being in control, I can, once a year, throw a party that makes a lot of people happy. If it takes me a few days to decompress afterward, so what, I'm retired now and I don't have to talk to anyone if I don't want to.

 

[jIMOh]

+1 on controlling guestlist