need to cut back on alcohol !

[Amethyst]

I reconnected on FB with the nicest girl I'd known in high school. We were good friends at ages 15-16 (I graduated at 16 and moved away, so we lost touch). She had returned to her maiden name, and that's how I was able to find her.

In the intervening years, she'd become an alcoholic. Alcohol destroyed her marriage and almost killed her. What saved her? Yep, AA. She recently celebrated Dry Year #35.

In your shoes, I'd try what worked for her.

 

[Amethyst]

It's actually more common than people think. What we call "willpower" is just motivation. Lack of willpower = lack of genuine motivation. Many people would rather risk health issues, than give up the comfort they get from a habit. I'm not knocking them. Comfort is all we have sometimes.

My dad, a heavy smoker, quit cold turkey after a heart attack. Never touched tobacco again. He didn't want to go the way his father had (stroke at 55).

My husband, a heavy smoker in his youth, quit cold turkey in his mid-30s. Took up smoking again during his divorce. Decided, "Why should I kill myself over someone who doesn't care about me?" and quit again. By the time we met, he'd been smoke-free for several years.

Are y. my brother? My dad did exactly the same. One day decided to stop smoking and bam, no more smoking. Dad drank a lot until he was 70 then just decided to quit and did. Never seen anything like it. Thankfully I’ve never drank or smoked because I’m sure my willpower is nothing like dads.

 

[Bamaman]

I worked in finance, and I ran a credit bureau on my wife (then girlfriend) to see if she was of good character and worth going after for the long term.

My wife was a medical laboratory manager, and she drew blood on me to do a chemical blood analysis. At 31 years old, my blood numbers showed I was drinking too much.

With an uncle and father on dialysis due to kidney failure (severe type II diabetics), I knew early on that I didn't want to end up hooked up to a machine 9 hrs a week sucking the life out of me.

Now, we are complete teetotalers. Cannot stand to see other family members that drink every night and think drinking every day is okay. They're just functional alcoholics, and they're seeing their drinking buddies in their early 70's die one by one of drinking related (or smoking related) ailments like bladder cancer and lung cancer.

 

[Scuba]

I cut way back on wine to help me lose weight. I actually quit completely for 3 months and then slowly added occasional wine back in. I feel so much better limiting myself to drinking only in social situations or on special occasions and limiting myself to 1-2 glasses of wine for the evening. I also value maintaining my 50+ lb weight loss, so I doubt I’ll ever go back to my previous levels of wine consumption.

My issue is socializing and drinking, not stress reduction, so these suggestions may not help you, but here are a few tips I use. One thing that helps me is to mix white or rose wine with sparkling water, and use just a splash of wine. Or, mix sparkling water with a splash of sugar free beverage syrup. This way if I’m at a party where everyone is enjoying wine, I can still feel like I’m having something festive without consuming much alcohol. Another strategy I’ve used at dinner parties is to skip the appetizer/cocktail hour drink and have one glass of wine with dinner. Or if I love the first wine being poured upon arrival, I’ll have some of it but skip the dinner wine.

I agree with others that for many people, cutting back doesn’t work. My sister tried that off and on for years and eventually had to do a six month inpatient rehab program to get sober.

It’s great that you recognize you have a problem and want to address it. Many people never face that and die of alcohol-related issues. Best wishes to you.

 

[albireo13]

Stress level is through the roof lately ... 95yo Dad in hospital, trying to get him into hospice ... siblings aren't on the same page so I am the bad guy ... just got Mom into assisted living
with her dementia ... I am healthcare proxy for both so am on the phone all day/everyday with healthcare providers,etc. Am an hour away and have been visiting every day. It has been affecting my work and my family life.
Now with the virus, Dad can’t have visitors ... Mom can’t have visitors ... they cant see each other and everybody is miserable.
Yay!

 

[Amethyst]

You are having to confront, unblinking, the terrible decline of old age, which we all will face if we manage to live that long. It is a horrible stressor. And now we have the unknown virus to fear. No wonder you are in misery. And seeking comfort. Peace be with you, to the extent it can be.

Stress level is through the roof lately ... 95yo Dad in hospital, trying to get him into hospice ... siblings aren't on the same page so I am the bad guy ... just got Mom into assisted living
with her dementia ... I am healthcare proxy for both so am on the phone all day/everyday with healthcare providers,etc. Am an hour away and have been visiting every day. It has been affecting my work and my family life.
Now with the virus, Dad can’t have visitors ... Mom can’t have visitors ... they cant see each other and everybody is miserable.
Yay!

 

[CaptTom]

I read somewhere that we humans are able to metabolize alcohol because we produce tiny amounts as a by-product of digestion.

I read somewhere that some people naturally produce too much alcohol. They can fail a breathalyzer test, and are often accused of being a closet alcoholic even though they never drink.

Not sure where this fits in the discussion, but your post reminded me of that story.

 

[sengsational]

Öura around drinking

Although I didn't intend for it to happen, I consume many fewer beers now than before I knew how impactful those couple of beers in the evening affected the workings of my body. It put me at odds with myself, as someone who was "a health conscious person".


No lectures here from me! I'm quite low and non-mighty. I'm just reporting that once I got the data on my sleeping heart rate, it's a whole lot easier to go without.


I bought a wearable called Öuraring, and what it constantly tells me is any more than one beer, my minimum heart rate while sleeping goes from a normal of 46 or 48, which is my healthy baseline up to 58 to 62. That's a 25% increase. It bugged me.

 

[Spock]

>My elder parents are taking up much of my energy and the stress level
>I feel has a lot to do with it.

I don't have any answer for you, but I am in the same boat as you with my 85 year old Dad. Dealing with dad has been a constant state of war and with his memory that means fighting the same battles over and over and over as he forgets why decisions were made they way they were. And I'm a liar when I remember something he has forgotten or his brain has twisted into something different.

The emergency competency hearing for guardianship and conservatorship is tomorrow morning.

One impact of the stress has been inability to sleep (I'll leave out the others). I either can't get to sleep because my brain is rehearsing/anticipating arguments and playing "what if", or I wake up in the wee hours and the brain kicks into those scenarios and won't shut down.

I am an extremely cheap, sleepy drunk. At 6'3", 240lbs one glass of wine and my eye lids feel much better when closed. I started self-medicating using alcohol (usually 3 ounces of brandy) as a sleep aid. I had regulated myself to not taking any after say 2AM because by the time it kicked in, etc. there wasn't enough time to sleep it off before waking up at 5-6AM. For me, this is "working" as have not been having to run through a lot of alcohol so far.

A big problem with the alcohol is with my spouse. My stress is spilling over to her, plus her own demons to deal with, has her draining every drop of alcohol in the house in a single night. Since November, she's been on 3 binges drinking several bottles of wine, a bottle of vodka, and a bottle of brandy in 1 day.
This means I need to get every bottle of alcohol out of the house. (And then deal with the underlying problem)

The other problem for me is taking benadryl (diphenhydramine) as a sleep aid. There are 3 benadryl tablets worth of diphenhydramine as the sleep aid portion of Advil PM.
For the past 15 months I've been self-medicating taking 1 or 2 benadryl tablets when going to bed. It helps me get to sleep and stay asleep significantly longer.

Then I found out benadryl can have bad long term effects. I recognize this is bad for me. But I need to sleep.

After several attempts, I've recently kicked a 40 year caffeine+sugar addiction. Being unemployed/retired helped with that as I didn't have to be "bright eyed and bushy tailed" at work every day. But it was still extremely hard for me to kick it.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to kick the benadryl sleep aid after Dad is ruled incompetent and some how moved into assisted living. We'll hire a case manager to deal directly with Dad (proxy guardian) or move Dad 1500 miles away to where my brother lives. I'll pay the bills generated from his accounts... although I expect stress with that as well as the economy tanks, his income shrinks, and having to deal with his LTCi and the case manager.

The case manager is going to be expensive, but for now Dad has the $ resources to swing it as long as it managed.

If there is no other family available, maybe a case manager or 3rd party fiduciary/guardian dealing with your parents would be a solution for you. I haven't started it yet to know if it will do any good. But at the moment a case manager buffer between me and Dad the only hope I have.

My other choice is to just walk away... which I might have to do. If we lose the petition hearing I am walking away. It is to the point that I can not let Dad's problems spill over and kill me or my wife.

Abandoning a parent is deplorable. But its like trying to rescue a drowning person who fights your help. At some point you gotta let go before you both drown.

 

[harley]

Most people think willpower is the only way to reduce alcohol intake, but there are drugs that can reduce the desire for alcohol, or that block the pleasant effect of alcohol. Naltrexone is one of them, and I'm sure there are others. I didn't do much research, but here's a link with some information. Of course, this is for people with serious issues. You may or may not be at that point. I just wanted to offer it up as an alternative to the AA option, which has a pretty low overall success rate. However, it could be really helpful as a place to relieve some of your stress about the situation.

And I agree with Koogie. Exercise and other replacement activities can be very effective at reducing the urge to drink. Just don't take up playing guitar in a bar.

 

[pacergal]

alberio13 and Spock--my heart goes out to you as you deal with these issues with your elderly parents and family.
Please take care of yourselves as best you can.

 

[ER Eddie]

Yeah, those are some seriously stressful situations you guys are facing. I can't imagine what that is like.

 

[rodi]

What works in our household is a set of arbitrary rules. My mother was an alcoholic, my sister stopped drinking years ago. Because of the alcohol abuse in the family, we decided to be aware and set rules. Our rules are
1) never drink 2 nights in a row.
2) never drink alone.
3) limits on quantity (2 glasses of wine *or* 1 martini *or* two beers)

If either of us wants to push the rules - the other calls them on it. That provides a certain amount of accountability. Knowing my family history - neither of us wants to slip into daily or larger quantity drinking

I enjoy good wine or the occasional martini... and would probably drink more if we hadn't put the rules in place. But this works for us.

 

[Born2Fish]

I can't imagine the burden that you are carrying now. Life can be really tough.

I know for me, alcohol became my sleep aid when I was doing 50% travel for work.

I had my annual HC lab work done on year and the results were terrible. Scared the heck out of me.

I quit drinking, changed to a healthy diet, and left the stressful job.

I still face the anxieties that we all do with age and life, but find that I am better equipped to handle it without overloading. And I feel really good now.

You can do this. Quit with the alcohol. Find time for exercise.

You have to do this. Your body can only handle so much.

 

[latexman]

Unfortunately, I have way too much experience with alcoholics, mainly my Dad and my daughter.

If your cravings cause you to drink that much, under stress or not, it's time for professional help. It's a disease that requires treatment.

I see the OP as a cry for help.

 

[albireo13]

I find that stress causes me to drink. When I am happy snd relaxed
I have no desire to drink. The last few years have been dominated by dealing
with my elderly parents who had made no plans for their later years at all.
The result is that i and my siblings are scrambling to take care of them.
They have been uncooperative with their own healthcare and it is dragging us down.

 

[pacergal]

I find that stress causes me to drink. When I am happy snd relaxed
I have no desire to drink. The last few years have been dominated by dealing
with my elderly parents who had made no plans for their later years at all.
The result is that i and my siblings are scrambling to take care of them.
They have been uncooperative with their own healthcare and it is dragging us down.

I am sorry you and your siblings are going through this. Is it at all possible to involve outside agencies? Or talk with an eldercare attorney to see options.
It would be extremely difficult to step away from parents, but for your own health, it might be a vital option for you.

 

[cooch96]

I hesitate to share what worked for me, but OP did ask for success stories.

I took up pipe smoking. It was legal and wouldn’t jeopardize my career. I read a non-scholarly article on how mental patients smoke at much higher rates than the general public. The writer suggested the patients were self-medicating. Many native tribes literally called tobacco Medicine. Plus, the aroma always reminded me of my cherished great-GF.

It worked. I’d have one to three shots of rum or whisky instead of three to five. I felt more serene after a bowl. I stopped taking a sleeping pill at night, and I drank much less coffee throughout the day.

I don’t feel like I’ve quit smoking, but it was warm outside the last time I stuffed a pipe. That must’ve been at least six months ago.

 

[ER Eddie]

Is it at all possible to involve outside agencies? Or talk with an eldercare attorney to see options.

That's a good idea. You might need to look into having a conservator appointed, if that hasn't already taken place. Maybe consult a social worker and/or an attorney who specializes in dealing with these issues. You need some outside help.

 

[harley]

I felt more serene after a bowl.

Me too. I was tempted to suggest something similar, but not tobacco.

 

[Elbata]

A bottle of wine a night and you wonder if you should cut back. See anything wrong with that?

My recommendation would be to keep drinking, but stop by an AA speaker's meeting. Just have a listen and keep an open mind.

My functional alcoholic best friend (65 yo) recently spent a few days at my house for a golf vacation. So depressing. Morning noon and night, everything revolved around alcohol. He didn't even like my breakfasts, he soon found a place that served "all you can drink" alcohol with his eggs and bacon. Happy camper.

BTW, if you stopped drinking now and in 5 years looked back at your life, do you think you'd made the right decision?

 

[NateW]

In my last year before retiring and 64yo. I find myself drinking way too much ... often killing a bottle, or more, of wine after work at night.
My elder parents are taking up much of my energy and the stress level I feel has a lot to do with it.

I really need to cut back on drinking and need some inspiration.
Any good advice? ... success stories?

Thx.

Let me preface what I am about to say by revealing I'm an alcoholic who has not had alcohol since July 2005. The compulsion to drink (and it was BAD) has been completely removed. I was a daily drinker, drinking at least a 12-pack of beer daily Began my drinking career in 1978. I will share how I got sober.

AA is where I got sober. I tried about 3 treatment programs beforehand, but to no avail. AA was "the last house on the block," and I am glad I found it!

First, only you can determine if you are alcoholic, or have a drinking problem; no one else can. If you do decide to attend an AA meeting to help you decide if you are "one of us," select an open Big Book study or "step" meeting. Open meetings are for Alcoholics AND those who think they may be alcoholic or those who are just curious about AA (as opposed to a "closed" meetings that are only for those who have dermined they are alcoholic). Don't attend an open discussion AA meeting, where in my opinion, everyone there complains about their problems. Stick to a Big Book or Step meeting and you will be able to determine fairly soon if this is the place you belong.

After attending a meeting or two and if you decide to give AA an honest try, please ask someone of the same gender who has good sobriety to be your sponsor. The sponsor's role is to guide you through working the 12-steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. The AA steps are about a way of living that is so fulfilling that the desire to drink leaves us. We begin this journey by admitting our powerless over alcohol and that our life is unmanageable, then coming to believe that a power greater than ourselves (not God in the religious sense, but your definition of a higher power in the spiritual sense) can take away our insanity (the compulsion to drink), then we turn our will (thoughts) and life (actions) over to the care of that higher power (or to the care of our sponsors), we admit the wrongs we have done to others (alcoholics carry a lot of guilt), we right the wrongs we have done to others, and among other things, we try to help other alcoholics.

I'll close by saying that in AA, many of us who have recovered think we are the luckiest people on Earth because we have a program that brings us peace and serenity, one that guides is to do the right things on a daily basis and one that is about living life on life's terms, a program non-alcoholics don't have. AA actually has very little to do with "not drinking", but is a program that teaches how to live life to its fullest and how to be a happy, honest, helpful caring, and member of society.

 

[NateW]

One thing I would like to add is I read a couple of posts in this thread stating you need (or should) stop drinking cold turkey. Please don't do that without medical advice. Alcohol is one of the few drugs that if you've been drinking long enough and hard enough, quitting cold turkey can actually kill you (through either seizures or delerium tremins). I do agree that if you are alcoholic, cutting back won't work. Only absistence will, but your doctor may prescribe a long-acting benzodiazepene (Valium, Serax, Librium) to allow you to detox safely (and possibly as an outpatient at home).

 

[NateW]

I hesitate to share what worked for me, but OP did ask for success stories.

I took up pipe smoking. It was legal and wouldn’t jeopardize my career. I read a non-scholarly article on how mental patients smoke at much higher rates than the general public. The writer suggested the patients were self-medicating. Many native tribes literally called tobacco Medicine. Plus, the aroma always reminded me of my cherished great-GF.

It worked. I’d have one to three shots of rum or whisky instead of three to five. I felt more serene after a bowl. I stopped taking a sleeping pill at night, and I drank much less coffee throughout the day.

I don’t feel like I’ve quit smoking, but it was warm outside the last time I stuffed a pipe. That must’ve been at least six months ago.

This absolutely has merit. In a nut shell, alcohol, an addictive substance, raises brain dopamine levels fast (alcohol affects several other neurotransmitter circuits as well, and has a short half life, making it a viscous drug. It is very toxic to cells, as well) . Dopamine is the reward circuit neurotransmitter. If brain levels are artificially raised fast enough, and often enough through excessive drinking, addiction results. Nicotine raises brain dopamine levels too, thus would be a good substitute, as far as the brain is concerned (and without considering the negative consequences of smoking). Nicotine works well for other dopamine-related conditions as well, ADHD being one of them. I have ADHD and I began drinking to self medicate ADHD (to relieve boredom).

 

[GravitySucks]

I et

I can relate.

I drank too much after retiring. I was feeling like I'd lost something and my DF was dying. Jack and I had a late night relationship.

Took a while, DF passed and I worked with a shrink to deal with some old garbage I didn't know how to deal with on my own. A while passed and I figured out my job was a means to an end, not the END. So things were beginning to get better, but I was consuming alchohol and I didn't feel well.

Then a little health scare caused me to stop drinking for a while. After stopping, I feel too good to go back there. Yeah I could and it wouldn't be a problem now, but why? I do use some cannibis and find it has benefits to me. I've found biofeedback, meditation to replace what I thought alchohol did for me. Good luck to you.