I went to the pharmacy and asked if they had anything that would kill Coronavirus. She said, “Ammonia cleaner”. I replied, “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”.
Coronavirus Humor
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REWahoo
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ERD50
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Does that need to be read with a UK (is it "Geordie"?) accent?
I'm not sure I get it. "I am only a cleaner?", " I only clean here"? Is that it?
-ERD50
“Ah’m only a cleaner” will be recognized in many British accents.
JoeWras
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There's gotta be another joke involving "alumin(i)um" here.
Yesterday, there was a guy at the grocery store pushing a trolly piled high with canned beans and toilet paper. I said, "hey fella, you've got a lot of nerve hoarding that stuff and not leaving any on the shelf for someone else in need". He smiled and replied, "thanks, now if you're finished, I have to get busy stocking these shelves." 
Sunset
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Subject: Covid pandemic escalation levels
UK Virus ALERT Escalation Level:
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, the level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final.
The Russians have said “It's not us”
UK Virus ALERT Escalation Level:
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, the level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final.
The Russians have said “It's not us”
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A pretty good one, so I felt compelled to reference it in this thread:
From a recent meme seen on facebook: "It can only be called quarantine if it's from the Quarantine region of France. Otherwise it's just Sparkling Isolation"
The neighboring Kiwis raised their alert level from "sweet as bro" to "you're taking the piss". Once confirmed cases reached 8 in number it was elevated to "chuck a sickie". Should the disease become more widespread, New Zealand will just blame the Aussies anyway 'cus they can't even organize a piss-up in a brewery.
REWahoo
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REWahoo
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give
Here in England Vera Lynn (102 years young) is doing a recording, proceeds to charity, of her most famous wartime hit.
“There’ll be loo rolls over the white cliffs of Dover”
apologies to ERD and others if the English accent in this joke is confusing
“There’ll be loo rolls over the white cliffs of Dover”
apologies to ERD and others if the English accent in this joke is confusing
NameRedacted
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Major Tom
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This thread closely resembles Facebook, with the plethora of memes. I almost had to do a doubletake. To tell the truth, I was a little dismayed, as the constant memes and jokes about C-19 on my FB feed are getting a bit much, and all seem a bit silly.
Then I saw Alan's one liner about ammonia cleaner. Brilliant!
Then I saw Alan's one liner about ammonia cleaner. Brilliant!
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And from down under comes the delightful “Ballad of Dunny Roll”. For an Ozzie poem it is surprisingly free of obscenities, but still very funny.
https://youtu.be/ia0bfWbOLjY
https://youtu.be/ia0bfWbOLjY
Nemo2
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My DH and I were laughing about the Monty Python and the Holy Grail Scene "Bring Out Your Dead."
We're not there yet....so all is well.
We're not there yet....so all is well.
Remarkably similar to post #45.
Oops!
Nemo2
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Big_Hitter
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golf course got crowded all of a sudden during the day
street
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