A Live-in companion

[Philliefan33]

I had an older guy proposition me. He was around 75 and I was 40 at the time. He wanted to marry a younger woman to take care of him, including sex and in return she would inherit his estate. I really liked talking to him and he was fascinating (career navy then became a lawyer, an artist and wrote short stories - married 5 times!) He ended up hiring an aid to escort him to the Philippines and found a bride. She looked to be late 30's in a FB picture and they had a baby before he died.

Our group of AARP volunteers did taxes for a couple like that. 80 yr old man, 40 yr old woman from the Philippines. They got married in 2016. She didn't talk much, the old man relied on her to help him walk and carry the paperwork. We surmised that he needed a caretaker, and maybe she wanted to come to the US? Certainly an odd couple, but none of my business.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

I think the different stories illustrates that this isn't an easy issue, and rarely will there be a fix-it-all for all the different situations that are out there.

My Dad (technically Grandfather, but he raised me, so he will always be my Dad) will be 90 soon. He still lives at home and is quite independent (his DW died in 2013) but does need assistance at times. Lucky for him, I am about 5 miles away and since I am retired, I am pretty much available for him 24/7. I don't have to do a whole lot to help out, but most of the house/yard maintenance stuff falls to me. It's not a big deal, but I can see how this could be a pain for someone that has kids and a 40 hour w*rk week. He actually was giving thought to selling the house and moving in with us (which would be the best solution IMHO) but his unrelenting obsession about getting a dog changed his mind so for the time being, he is staying put. Oh, the dog issue...I could go on and on about that, but I won't. Point being, if I wasn't around I am not exactly sure what he would do. He's not a filthy rich man, but he is a man of meager means and would have a lot of choices available to him, but I think he would have a hard time pulling the trigger on anything.

The DW and I have wondered what will become of us. We have no kiddos and I have no siblings. My DW has two siblings but they don't have kids, either. I suppose we will all eventually move in together and it will be a "Golden Boys and Girls" kind of living situation. And yes, it would make for a VERY entertaining TV show.

 

[Teacher Terry]

A good friend of mine had 2 parents that needed help but wanted to stay home. First the Dad just needed help and somehow they met a woman in her 50's that was happy to move in for free room and board, drive their car and get paid a small amount. By the time the dad died the Mom had early dementia so she stayed on until she died. Now I have no idea what will happen to the caretaker but my friend would certainly recommend her to others as she did a great job.

 

[Amethyst]

Am I the only one who thinks a caretaker who was that faithful, and stayed on so long, should have some sort of pension from the estate?

A good friend of mine had 2 parents that needed help but wanted to stay home. First the Dad just needed help and somehow they met a woman in her 50's that was happy to move in for free room and board, drive their car and get paid a small amount. By the time the dad died the Mom had early dementia so she stayed on until she died. Now I have no idea what will happen to the caretaker but my friend would certainly recommend her to others as she did a great job.

 

[Teacher Terry]

She may have but I have no clue. These were not poor people but not wealthy either. They also have 4 kids and numerous grandchildren. My understanding also was that this person was in a really tough spot not being able to support herself etc so this situation worked to her benefit for many years.

 

[chris2008]

Well, I would expect that a fair compensation is agreed upon so that the caretaker will not go under and we all pay for her in her own old age.
Higher than minimum wage, but setting off free room+ food, sufficient time off and a paid notice period if the person they care for passes away or moves to a retirement home.

The students help model in Germany has a guideline that per 1 qm and month one hour of work is expected. So an average of 20 hours of help/month would get you a nice room.

 

[youbet]

It does seem that "free room and board, use of a car and a small allowance" as total compensation could be problematic for the caregiver. What if the elderly person slowly needs more and more care? Develops bouts of incontinence? Has sleeplessness and wants company throughout the night? Becomes irritable and mean? There are complicated meds to administer? The list is endless. Here is the caretaker taking care of the house and associated paperwork, running errands and spending near 100% of the remaining time at the elderly person's bedside. All for a roof over head, meals and a small allowance?

Obviously, the caretaker needs to have a clear understanding of what happens when the needs of the elderly person escalate from what they are at the beginning.

 

[Blue Collar Guy]

The services have a different rate for 24/7 care. I pay $169 a day for an 82 year old uncle who is bed ridden. He has two care givers who split the shifts, and they sleep in the second bedroom, but do not live with him.

thats a really low rate, what state do you live in? is it thru an agency?

 

[Teacher Terry]

Since a daughter lived in town the caregiver got time off and her only job was to care for the parent. So the daughter did everything house related, paid bills, etc.

 

[Blue Collar Guy]

I have known several guys over the years that have brought their Mothers to Peru. They buy an apartment and staff it with housekeeper/cook, and 2 nurses on shifts. The Son can then travel and enjoy retirement, have a place to stay when in town and in the end the appreciation on the apartment more than offsets the costs.

Unfortunately, the dynamic has now changed and the appreciation is no longer there. However, the labor costs are still low enough that it makes sense probably $1200 mth for three people.

wow thats really low prices, i hope i remember this fact in the future and can relay it to people who might want this option, thank you

 

[truenorth418]

My father thought he had this one licked when he married my stepmother who was 8 years younger than him. Unexpectedly she passed away first and he spent his last months relying on professional caregivers and his sons.

One solution would be to improve the odds and marry someone 20-30 years younger.

 

[eytonxav]

DW's aunt required assistance in her late 80s and 90s. Fortunately, her former neighbor had a friend in her 60s that needed some part time work, so the aunt would have her visit 3-4X/week for ~ 4 hrs and paid her $75/visit. There was also a house keeper that came a few times a week in addition. We tried numerous times to get the aunt into assisted living, but she was fiercely independent and stubborn. The in house care was great and enabled the aunt to remain in her small condo until her death. We still keep in touch with the former care giver who really became a friend. Certainly, this situation was not the norm.

 

[Amethyst]

And be very, very nice to them.

One solution would be to improve the odds and marry someone 20-30 years younger.

 

[marko]

I've told the story here before on how my (notoriously miserly) grandpa had a live-in care giver. She also held another part time job.

One day, all proud of himself, he told me "I cut her pay!!"
"What??! Why?"
"Well, she told me that she had lost her other job"
"...and..."
"And I figured that now, she had no other options, so I cut her pay; she has nowhere else to go" (ha ha ha)

 

[sengsational]

And be very, very nice to them.

Especially if they're to inherit and have access to life shortening therapies.

 

[CardsFan]

The DW and I have wondered what will become of us. We have no kiddos and I have no siblings. My DW has two siblings but they don't have kids, either. I suppose we will all eventually move in together and it will be a "Golden Boys and Girls" kind of living situation. And yes, it would make for a VERY entertaining TV show.

30 years ago our close group of friends joked about buying a nursing home for an investment, and the moving in together when we got older. Now we are all in our 60's. We need to start looking for that home

 

[Amethyst]

Ya know, sometimes the younger spouse actually does love the older one....

I was thinking of ensuring you end up in a decent "home" and have someone who will visit.

Especially if they're to inherit and have access to life shortening therapies.

 

[Koolau]

Assuming the "perfect" companion exists - someone who provides the needed assistance AND doesn't steal or otherwise take advantage, there are legal issues involved I would assume.

I'm betting that in most states, such a relationship is illegal if all facts are known. IOW assuming someone receives compensation (even if it's only room and board) many states and perhaps the Fed gummint would require SS payments, tax withholding, licensing, etc. etc. So we end up with a two tier system: The "official" care system ($20 to $50/hour several times a week with all the appropriate "training", licensing, bonding, etc.) or the unofficial live-in helper who is essentially "off the books." Imagine if that person suddenly "turned" on the person they were caring for. All they would have to do is go to the "authorities" and the trouble could be devastating.

The first option is too expensive for most folks - especially if round the clock care is needed - even just "being there" in case the person falls or has an "episode." The second is most likely illegal and could end up with legal costs, fines, penalties, etc. etc. Too bad there isn't something in between such as a vetting system for care companions and having the gummint keep its nose out.

My mom tried the "official" source as respite when my dad was going through AZ. The folks sent were expensive but incompetent and not particularly enjoyable to be around. I did what I could so my mom could get out of the house a few times a week. Most of the time, all I had to do was sit and watch TV with dad and be certain he didn't burn the house down when making coffee, wander off, etc. Eventually dad went to a nursing home which is relatively effective, but still quite expensive.

I think imoldernu is correct: It could work. My gut tells me it would be the fairly lucky person who finds the right match and has few of the known problems we've all discussed. YMMV

 

[marko]

I'm betting that in most states, such a relationship is illegal if all facts are known. IOW assuming someone receives compensation (even if it's only room and board) many states and perhaps the Fed gummint would require SS payments, tax withholding, licensing, etc. etc. So we end up with a two tier system: The "official" care system ($20 to $50/hour several times a week with all the appropriate "training", licensing, bonding, etc.) or the unofficial live-in helper who is essentially "off the books."

I suspect the "off the books" approach is more prevalent than one would think. In my (highly regulated) state of Mass there's a whole underground economy running through all facets of life in general.