Finding a place to settle down

[MrSmee]

So we have ALMOST settled on a forever place on the East coast. Kids are all over so there was nothing tying us to geography and this was a compromise between me and DW.

But we will be outsiders where we are going. Have done it many times before but we always had school and kids to make quick connections and settle in. Curious if anyone else has rooted into a new place. What did you learn the hard way? What would you have done differently?

We did stay for a couple of weeks in an AirBnB and are happy with the vibe but only time will tell.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I moved to Nevada when I was newly divorced and my kids were launched. However I was still working. It took about 18 months for me to develop friendships. I joined some organizations and that helped. Now there’s meetup groups which should help.

 

[COcheesehead]

We moved early in retirement. We have more friends now than ever. Advice: watch who reaches out to you first. Stay active and engaged. Accept invitations. Before you know it, you’ll be part of the community.

 

[38Chevy454]

There's a saying, "you have to be a friend to make a friend". So go to events that are interesting to you. Make effort to help out. Become involved and soon you will develop friendships.

It depends on where you live. A retirement community is easy to get involved. Closer community is easier than spread out.

Walk your dog, great way to meet people. Neighbors in your neighborhood, others at dog park or similar public places.

 

[kgtest]

Head to the pickleball courts and I am sure you will meet some folks. Or tennis/golf if that is your thing. Joining a 3 some on the golf course would be an easy way to meet 3 other people. Or as other's have mentioned, meetup groups. Maybe you can start an east coast ER.org meetup. I moved a lot pre-kids and am pretty outgoing so I always found lots of people to get to know. Many of those folks have come and gone, but I still keep in touch with a handful.

 

[Ronstar]

When we bought our snowbird condo, we met people walking around the neighborhood, going to HOA meetings, and at the gym.

 

[skyking1]

DW and I are moving a couple of hours away from friends and a ferry ride away from family to our retirement house. We'll be watching along for the suggestions.

 

[harley]

Not sure why you need more friends. They're a lot of work. DW and I are loving the hermit life.

 

[COcheesehead]

Not sure why you need more friends. They're a lot of work. DW and I are loving the hermit life.

 

[W2R]

I moved to Nevada when I was newly divorced and my kids were launched. However I was still working. It took about 18 months for me to develop friendships. I joined some organizations and that helped. Now there’s meetup groups which should help.

Good advice.

I moved a lot "way back when" (hope to never move again!). In my experience, when you don't know anybody somehow new friends don't just appear on your doorstep! So I considered making friends to be my job, and until I have some I feel like I have to put specific hours of my time into that effort whether I wanted to or not. I'd try to figure out where desirable potential friends might hang out, and I'd go there. Personally I'd probably start with weight watchers and the gym. Or maybe there's some book clubs at the library or something.

Then, even though I'm an introvert, I'd have to pretend to be an extrovert. Not my cup of tea! But all I'd have to do is get to know a few sort-of-OK new friends that were not axe-murderers. Then they'd introduce me to their friends. Once I had met enough people I could be more particular.

Right now I don't really have (or need) any friends other than Frank. But if I didn't have him, I'd have to go through all that again (because I don't think that being entirely alone is safe at my age). UGH

 

[savory]

We are in our 6 month or so intto our new city. We are following many of the suggestions in the prior posts and they have worked for us.

One that is not suggested yet is to reach out to current friends and see if they have friends or relatives they can offer an introduction. We have meet 3 couples that has led to a few social outings.

Our other success was meeting our neighbors. We moved in an apartment set up like a condo, meaning individual outdoor entrance. Mostly young professionals rent here. We have not made connections with them. But when we learned there was an older couple, in their 60s still working, we introduced ourselves and made a connection that so far has been very positive.

 

[VanWinkle]

We are heading to Tennessee in June when our house build there completes. We chose a retirement area although it is not 55+ community. We are looking forward to clubs, golf, and lake adventures. I have 4 kids spread over the country with the closest 2 hrs away in Georgia. It is a little scary and exciting at the same time. We will have more to say about such a move in a year.

VW

 

[DrRoy]

Meetup.com can help get you started.

 

[ElizabethT]

We relocated five years ago, and though we now feel like we have more friends and friendly acquaintances than ever before, it took a focused effort to get here. It definitely didn't 'just happen.'

Here is what we did:

- Joined lots and lots of groups and organizations. Everything from spiritual to hikes to pickle ball.
- Became volunteers at organizations of interest to us.
- Made an effort to meet all of our new neighbors.
- Had business sized cards made up with our new contact info, and handed them out to folks we met that seemed to have similar energy and vibes as we did, in time an effort to set up a future day/date to get together. I'd say this resulted in about a 75% success rate over time. Meaning we were able to change from being acquainted to becoming friends.

It took a solid 18 months before we began to feel grounded, i.e., busy and engaged. It took a lot of effort to consistently get out into our new community, but it always paid off. We said 'Yes' to most invites, and made an effort to be interesting, fun, lively once we got there. And we began setting up a next time to get together before the end of most of our social get together evenings.

So while it didn't happen overnight, or magically, we now feel surrounded by friends, and we honestly have more options available than we have time or energy to accept.

 

[MrSmee]

Not sure why you need more friends. They're a lot of work. DW and I are loving the hermit life.

That was what prompted me to post the question in the first place. I'm from a small town and lately a lot of people - remote workers and retirees - have moved in. It was obvious they thought they were moving to some Hollywood welcoming small town. Instead they found that people were not quite as warm hearted and welcoming as they assumed.

So I'm not so worried about making friends (I have a dog) as I am that people don't turn out to be actively hostile.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Not sure why you need more friends. They're a lot of work. DW and I are loving the hermit life.

This works until one of you dies. One of my friends who I went from seeing a few times a week to about 4xs a year when she met her husband 25 years ago is calling me every day since he died 3 months ago. It’s getting really old since she wasn’t there for me when I got divorced 2 years ago. I am now only answering the phone about 3xs a week.

 

[pacergal]

Not sure why you need more friends. They're a lot of work. DW and I are loving the hermit life.

As an introvert, I don't feel the need to make a lot of new friends.
I know my neighbors and keep in touch with my regular friends.

If I moved, most likely would meet new folks via neighborhood walks, attending church, or any community classes/programs/sport activities.

 

[Car-Guy]

Not sure why you need more friends. They're a lot of work. DW and I are loving the hermit life.

That sums it up for me and the DW too. We could not wait to retire and move to the country. We've been here about 15 years now and have become "accepted" by the locals but that really didn't matter to us. I really only know two of my neighbors by sight and name since they are a good distance away. We wave at each other on the rare occasion we see each other on the road, or when in town, and may stop and talk when we are out on our tractors and happen to be along the same fence lines. We both have a few life long friends from our school days and along with family members, that's plenty.

 

[lawman]

I moved to North Texas from East Texas 3 years ago after living there decades...My takeaway is that you can make new friends but you can't make old friends.

 

[Venturer]

We moved to our present home 11 years ago when our only DD let us know she was pregnant. We are only 5min. away from her and really haven't made any friends here. We have aquaintences that we have met thru going to our DGD dance recitals,birthday parties earlier & ball games now days. We still occasionally meet with our friends where we lived before,Go motorcycle riding or meet 1/2 way to have a meal or got to their home/have them up to our home for fellowship. But this neighborhood is not a scocial one. I talk with the across the street neighbor occasionally if he is outside when I am, and most of the people wave as they go by, but no real interaction otherwise. I tried some of the things that have at times been mentioned here to make friends but in this neighborhood it didn't work, so now we just live and let live, & live vicariosly thru the internet.

 

[Sojourner]

Meetup.com can help get you started.

+1

The "meetup" concept works really well for helping folks connect with others who have similar interests, hobbies, and lifestyles. When I was going through a loneliness crisis of sorts back in my early FIRE days, I started attending all sorts of meetups in my area. Fast forward to now, nearly seven years later, and one of my closest friends is a guy I met and become friendly with over the course of several meetups in 2016-2017. It really works if you give it a chance!