How much help for young adult children?

[Paulz]

Thanks for the reply. One of DS2's frustrations is that he can't get experience unless he gets hired. No hiring, no experience. Also he is seeing positions requiring 10 years experience at minimum wage with a TS clearance (we're in the DC/Baltimore area). Think 3 letter agencies.

DS1 got DS2 the interview where he said he was moving out of state. DS1 regrets arranging the interview. DS2 is open to entry level positions but he can't seem to find them.

I also am in DC area so I understand his frustration. I'd say the easiest first step is to stay away from the clearances at first. I say that only because the hill is a lot higher to get entry, so no need to make things harder right off the bat. Social Security administration is up your way. Might be too much of a drive, but there is 5-6 agencies in the Rockville\Gaithersburg.

 

[Dreamer]

Our DS was working and the pharmaceutical plant where he worked was shut down. He was able to get a job at the university, but at a much lower pay. His stepson is 24 and has his college degree, so no kids to worry about. We have lent him money a few times and he makes monthly payments to us. They bought the house next door to us last year. We gave them the down payment for their house as a gift. The houses here cost considerably less than HCOL areas. He is 43 years old. We might start gifting our son money annually. We might start doing more experiences with our DD's family, like renting the house for beach trips. We haven't made any firm plans yet.

 

[MarieIG]

Long story: . . .


I periodically have been helping him out but now I think it's more of a spending issue than an earning issue. Just did his taxes last night. Before taxes, his 2021 earnings, filing single, was 36k. This is not counting his untaxed 15k VA disability and 6k rent from a roommate. His GF lives with him but hardly contributes to the bills even though she works full time. DS2 is footing the bill for the automotive costs of his vehicle she uses on a daily basis.

His financial situation has really been affecting his mental state of mind. He is frustrated that he can't find a job in his field and he REALLY resents asking me for help. He just had his first appointment with mental health to address his frustration/anger issues.

DS2 is very similar to DW as they never met a sales pitch they didn't like :-(. He put a new roof on his house (financed), new windows (financed), 2 vehicles (never kept a car more than 3 years before trading it in for a newer one) and has 2 motorcycles (which he can't ride due to his Army injuries).

I hate seeing him anguish over finances but I have to wonder if I'm assisting him (which I can do) or just enabling bad financial/lifestyle decisions.

. . .

You are obviously a good, concerned father. While I would not turn my back on him, or let him end up sleeping in the streets, I do not believe that DS's issues can be solved by giving him more money.

- Financially, he's spending too much money.

- I suspect his state of mind is effecting his ability to find an entry level job, and effecting his financial issues, not the other way around.

I was glad to read he is going for counseling.

Due to what he has been through, I don't believe that this is a typical situation (PTSD, depression?). If I were his parent, I would keep the lines of communication VERY OPEN, but barring an emergency (and I don't mean a third motorcycle or GF's car insurance) I would gently but firmly turn off the water (money) spigot. (BTW, I would not point out to him that you are well-to-do or easily able to afford "assisting" him.)

 

[Lawrencewendall]

Long story: . . .


I periodically have been helping him out but now I think it's more of a spending issue than an earning issue. Just did his taxes last night. Before taxes, his 2021 earnings, filing single, was 36k. This is not counting his untaxed 15k VA disability and 6k rent from a roommate. His GF lives with him but hardly contributes to the bills even though she works full time. DS2 is footing the bill for the automotive costs of his vehicle she uses on a daily basis.

His financial situation has really been affecting his mental state of mind. He is frustrated that he can't find a job in his field and he REALLY resents asking me for help. He just had his first appointment with mental health to address his frustration/anger issues.

DS2 is very similar to DW as they never met a sales pitch they didn't like :-(. He put a new roof on his house (financed), new windows (financed), 2 vehicles (never kept a car more than 3 years before trading it in for a newer one) and has 2 motorcycles (which he can't ride due to his Army injuries).

I hate seeing him anguish over finances but I have to wonder if I'm assisting him (which I can do) or just enabling bad financial/lifestyle decisions.

. . .

You are obviously a good, concerned father. While I would not turn my back on him, or let him end up sleeping in the streets, I do not believe that DS's issues can be solved by giving him more money.

- Financially, he's spending too much money.

- I suspect his state of mind is effecting his ability to find an entry level job, and effecting his financial issues, not the other way around.

I was glad to read he is going for counseling.

Due to what he has been through, I don't believe that this is a typical situation (PTSD, depression?). If I were his parent, I would keep the lines of communication VERY OPEN, but barring an emergency (and I don't mean a third motorcycle or GF's car insurance) I would gently but firmly turn off the water (money) spigot. (BTW, I would not point out to him that you are well-to-do or easily able to afford "assisting" him.)

I understand the pitfalls of enabling but having run the numbers, I can't spend everything I have. It tears me up not being able to help him and DW can't say no to him. Who am I to argue with a Mom and her Son? Eventually, he's going to get a big chunk of it anyway. Maybe no easy solution. Thanks for your input.

 

[aaronc879]

Long story:

DS1 (36) is struggling. He did 6 years in the Army (1 tour in Iraq and another in Afghanistan) and got out due to medical issues. Used his GI Bill and got an Associates as an Automotive Tech. As a "Newbie", He was doing commission work, given warranty work which didn't pay enough to pay his bills. Moved to another automotive shop but the physical labor aggravated his Army injury (changing tires with a bad back).

He used the remainder of his GI bill to get a BS in IT Administration. With the Covid lockdowns, he has been unable to land a job in that field. Part of that I think is his poor resume and he doesn't really interview well. I tweaked his resume but he doesn't listen. On one of his interviews, right off the bat, he said he was planning on moving out of state (not wise if you ask me).

He only went into IT because he saw DS1 (32) get the exact same degree and is now pulling 6 figures. DS2 doesn't have the passion for IT like DS1 does.

DS2 did pizza delivery for awhile while he was going through his BS. It was about the only job flexible enough to allow him to finish his degree.

I periodically have been helping him out but now I think it's more of a spending issue than an earning issue. Just did his taxes last night. Before taxes, his 2021 earnings, filing single, was 36k. This is not counting his untaxed 15k VA disability and 6k rent from a roommate. His GF lives with him but hardly contributes to the bills even though she works full time. DS2 is footing the bill for the automotive costs of his vehicle she uses on a daily basis.

His financial situation has really been affecting his mental state of mind. He is frustrated that he can't find a job in his field and he REALLY resents asking me for help. He just had his first appointment with mental health to address his frustration/anger issues.

DS2 is very similar to DW as they never met a sales pitch they didn't like :-(. He put a new roof on his house (financed), new windows (financed), 2 vehicles (never kept a car more than 3 years before trading it in for a newer one) and has 2 motorcycles (which he can't ride due to his Army injuries).

I hate seeing him anguish over finances but I have to wonder if I'm assisting him (which I can do) or just enabling bad financial/lifestyle decisions.

Thanks for any input, dealing with this.

Sounds like he could for sure qualify for some VA Disability. It can be worth more than most people think. If he hasn't looked into it he definitely should. That could help supplement his income that he earns from a less physical job.

 

[RetiredHappy]

In my opinion, IT Admin degree is not worth much, if anything at all. If it is a degree in Computer Science or Information Technology, then there are skills that can be applied as a new hire in IT.

IT Admin sounds like a management type education, but they don't exist for someone who is not already in the IT field. My BS was in Computer Science and Economics, adding an MBA after several years in management already. I had a good career in IT, straight out of university and a big part of that was choosing a field that was in high demand.

At this point, he needs to be flexible in getting hired, including call center or IT support type position - the type that goes off a script. What is he working as to make his current pay of $36K a year?

 

[Badger]

I periodically have been helping him out but now I think it's more of a spending issue than an earning issue. Just did his taxes last night. Before taxes, his 2021 earnings, filing single, was 36k. This is not counting his untaxed 15k VA disability and 6k rent from a roommate. His GF lives with him but hardly contributes to the bills even though she works full time. DS2 is footing the bill for the automotive costs of his vehicle she uses on a daily basis...


He is making more money than I after 30+ yrs and a graduate degree.


DS2 is very similar to DW as they never met a sales pitch they didn't like :-(. He put a new roof on his house (financed), new windows (financed), 2 vehicles (never kept a car more than 3 years before trading it in for a newer one) and has 2 motorcycles (which he can't ride due to his Army injuries)...


There is the problem and one that will not be resolved by throwing money at it.


I hate seeing him anguish over finances but I have to wonder if I'm assisting him... YES-Enabling

Cheers!

 

[pacergal]

Lawrencewendall--

so sorry you and your son are dealing with these issues.
From what you have written, it does appear that your son has a budgeting/spending issue. Clearly, his GF needs to be helping with the household budget. And he needs to realistically look at his "toys", sell the motorcycle that he can't ride.
Very good that he is starting therapy and hopefully, that will identify areas to work on for him.

As parents, we make decisions that work for our family.
We have helped our kids financially, if/when they have asked, or we simply gift money yearly when we wish.
I prefer to help/gift them now, when we can see the outcome, rather than they get it after we are gone. Barring any catastrophic issues, There should still be plenty left
.
It's a tough decision. You do what your heart tells you is right and what you and your wife are comfortable with.

 

[PandaBear]

Well, when my brother had summer jobs during college, NY state taxes were so convoluted that Dad had his accountant do DB's taxes. DB retired 2 years ago as a tax partner in a very large firm.



I know- different circumstances since DB wasn't on his own, but it brought back memories, especially since DB just sent us all a note on the amount and disposition of our late Dad's remaining funds in his checking account now that probate is completed, the IRS has signed off, etc. DB has done a phenomenal job of getting the paperwork done.



This thread reminded me of one other form of assistance I see a LOT among my contemporaries- unpaid day care for the grandchildren. In one extreme example, the two kids spend one day with Grandma #1, two days with Grandma #2 (who has to drive from South Jersey to North Jersey and stay overnight) and two in paid day care. Another friend was spending every week in a city a couple of hours away from here to take care of her grandson all week, till her own husband was seriously injured and she now has to take care of him. When DS was born, his paternal grandmother was deceased and my Mom lived 12 hours away. Not an option.



I love my grandchildren but they wear me out. I don't know how grandparents take on that fixed obligation- not just occasional fun visits- knowing that if they can't/don't, it will cripple the finances of their adult kids.

My mom watched my kids for years…..daycare when they were under 5 and then picking them up after school as they got older. Now I’m sure it helped that I worked part time for much of that time, and I worked in education, so had holidays and then summer off.

But it was a big help. It basically enabled me to keep working and even part time, work towards a pension. I was super lucky and I am trying to “repay” it back to my widowed mom now, but taking her on trips a couple times a year and visiting her every other month (she moved to a different part of the country after my kids were grown.

 

[Closet_Gamer]

We're largely paying for both kids college educations.

Because of their good choices and the respect for money that we instilled at a young age, both will probably stretch the money we set aside for undergrad into paying for both an undergrad and a graduate degree. Or very, very close.

They are both so concerned about not being in debt & not asking for "fun" money that we've told them to relax a bit about it. My older daughter will get four different W-2s this year. The younger one will get three.

How will these young adults do over the next 20 years?

Dunno, but for the moment I'm confident in both their sensibiliites and trajectory.

 

[Pellice]

OP, I feel for you. But it does sound like DS2 is talking to you and being open about his situation - not hiding things. Can you get him to admit there is a spending problem? Maybe by paying for a "money makeover" person who will get him to look at the real facts of his situation (which does not sound hopeless, as some situations I've read about here are). That onlly works if he is really open, and it would work even better if GF would come along. And somehow impress upon him - no kids until they are more stable. That will be the real anvil dropping for all of you.

 

[mystang52]

On a much lighter note, DD just posted on Facebook that my granddaughter needs to sell just 5 more boxes of Girl Scout cookies to go over some threshold, in the next few days. I told her we would buy whatever the shortfall is to make sure she reaches that goal (we don't really care for Girl Scout cookies).

 

[DrRoy]

Our sons both started college but did not finish. The older one was in the Air Force for 5 years, took some more classes on the GI bill, but again did not finish. The younger one quit university, got a 2 yr CC certificate, but does not use it. They both have hourly jobs in the mid teens/hr. We have loaned each of them money when they needed to buy a car, which they paid back interest free.