How strong is the lure of family?

[Goonie]

Now to move near my sister ... no way.

Do we have the same sister??

 

[sgeeeee]

I would love it if my father and/or brothers lived close by. DW would like that too. If my inlaws moved nearby, I think my wife would buy a gun and shoot either herself or them. I wouldn't mind, but they are pretty rude to each other and I see why it drives her nuts.

We're not moving to get closer to anyone, though. We like it here in Mesa.

 

[Brat]

Do we have the same sister??

My sis is so awful I would trade her for yours in a minute. She has no boundaries and is presumptive, pompous and mean.

 

[Dreamer]

One of the very best things about my retirement has been getting to spend more time with my sister! She is the best and I love her very much!

 

[Brat]

I truly wish it were so for me. We were close, even dreamed of kicking back at the beach together in our latter years together.

Unfortunately she had a bad early marriage and a child with difficult health problems. She didn't achieve her dreams. My life has been free of those difficulties. If I were the only target of her acidity then I could write it off to sibling rivalry. Unfortunately she has directed it to folks on the sidelines of her life and as others avoid contact her bitterness only increases.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

The family lure may be strong, but a few years later you may be chewing off a limb to escape from the trap.

"Coyote Family"?

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

a friend of mine from high school who came to my mom's funeral a few months back just lost his mom after a long & losing battle with cancer. my friend lived at home and took excellent care of his mom. his brother did absolutely nothing. less than nothing actually because he caused trouble for my friend and for their mother. at the end he even accused my friend of endangering their mom with morphine in her dying days under supervision of hospice. so of course now that the will is out in the open the brother is causing even more trouble. he even physically attacked my friend in his own house.

i'm really so lucky that my brother and i finally pulled it together after so many years of silly sibling rivalry. i'm just back from the lawyer as we deal with settling mom's estate. the lawyer commented more than once on how well my brother & i get along. so thinking of this thread and of my friend's problems and of the lawyer's comments i asked him what percentage of his clients fight and what percentage get along well. he told me that my relationship with my brother is the exception and that the largest bulk of his money is made not in administering the estates but in settling the fighting between siblings.

my mother would be so proud of her kids.

 

[bssc]

My sis is so awful I would trade her for yours in a minute. She has no boundaries and is presumptive, pompous and mean.

Do we have the same sister? Mine has been getting better since she turned 30. In addition to the qualities you mention has set her garage on fire by accident, had various moving violations and taught me why you should never lend money to family.

 

[Brat]

Not the same, just similar sisters. Thank heavens my sis has not had a fire or tickets (that I know of). I have offered family counseling but she won't participate. Frankly I think she knows exactly what she is doing and enjoys it.

Our brother happened to call me while I was writing this to vent about her behavior. Once our mother has passed on we will be so relieved to not have a reason to communicate.

 

[winnie]

Maybe you should become snow birds where your main residence is in the south and during the pleasant months make extended trips bace to IL to feed the longing for family & old friends.

I second JD's idea too. We live many 1000s of miles away from my family -- I keep making that transatlantic trip every year and then coming screaming back, remembering why i moved so far away from home.

That said, if your wife is really feeling the urge to reconnect, then I guess you should work out some way to accomodate that feeling. One variation on the above solution would be to buy an inexpensive RV and spend a couple months there in the summer. You can drive right back to CA if it all becomes too much or extend your stay if you're having a good time. We use our RV to stay in the front drive of my MIL's house when we go visit. If we were going to stay longer than a weekend though, we'd probably find a scenic close-by RV park to park the rig.

Winnie

 

[Goonie]

My sis is so awful I would trade her for yours in a minute. She has no boundaries and is presumptive, pompous and mean.

Yup!! That's her!!!

Unfortunately she had a bad early marriage...... She didn't achieve her dreams. My life has been free of those difficulties. If I were the only target of her acidity then I could write it off to sibling rivalry. Unfortunately she has directed it to folks on the sidelines of her life.......

My sis had been married to a really great guy! He was great to the kids, and to her......did EVERYTHING in his power to make her happy and keep the family together. But finally he got his fill of her, and called it quits. He worked loooong hours (and made VERY good $$$), and didn't have a lot of time off, but he would spend ALL of his free time with her and the kids. However, she would find/make work for him every waking minute, so he NEVER got any leisure time, and she was constantly b*tching at him and nagging him! He finally packed his clothes, and left! He's still very actively involved with the kids, but has nothing to do with her!

At that point her dreams fell apart!!! She had to go out and find a REAL job that could pay the bills....since prior to that she had knocked around at a couple of very low paying, almost volunteer jobs, that barely paid for the gas to drive there.

She's "launched" on just about everybody, and blamed them/us for her lousy life and circumstances!

A couple of the kids are older now, and out on their own.....both a LOOOONG distance from her home, and they seldom go back to visit. I don't think she "gets it".

I know that since she found out that I'm going to FIRE, she's really p*ssed at me, especially since I'm several years younger than her!

(too bad we didn't get to keep her ex, and get rid of her)

 

[saluki9]

I'm amazed at all the people who don't want to live near their family


Family is the only thing that has kept us from moving to a warmer state. My wife and I both detest the climate here in Chicago, but I couln't stand the thought of moving away from my family My 3 sisters live witing 5 minutes of us, my parents are 10 minutes away and my inlaws (who I love) are less than a mile away. If I go two days or more without seeing one of them it would be odd.

 

[donheff]

I'm amazed at all the people who don't want to live near their family

I am with you Saluki. I have family back in Chicago who I try to visit at least a couple of times a year. Here in DC, one of my brothers and I have tried to recreate a family center -- he has 7 kids, which helps As of now we have DW and me, DS and his SO live about 1 mile away, my brother and his wife, and two nephews and their families. I hope DD moves back, but she likes NYC so maybe not. On DW's side, we have her father and a brother within 45 minutes.

 

[My Dream]

One of the very best things about my retirement has been getting to spend more time with my sister! She is the best and I love her very much!

I hope that your sister reads this. What a sweet thing to say!

 

[Nords]

I'm amazed at all the people who don't want to live near their family

I married my spouse for a lot of reasons, but none of them had to do with her family.

If I had taken her family into consideration when we were dating then I would have run away fast. If she'd really considered my family and my genes/personality then she would never have procreated with me. Just goes to show you what testosterone-fueled hormones true love can accomplish.

We've served our time given it our best effort and concluded that it's not about us. Looking back on our growing years together has certainly aired out a lot of closets and made us into better parents. I just wish it wasn't such an emotional roller-coaster soap opera. We can't choose our family but we can choose our real friends...

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

I am with you Saluki.

i'm with both of you. i was discussing this thread with my brother at dinner last night. during the conversation i thought how difficult it must be for countries to get along, if we can not even get along within our own families.

here is just one of our family holiday dinners. we do these a few times each year and rarely feed less than 20 per seating.

 

[youbet]

I'm amazed at all the people who don't want to live near their family


Family is the only thing that has kept us from moving to a warmer state. My wife and I both detest the climate here in Chicago, but I couln't stand the thought of moving away from my family My 3 sisters live witing 5 minutes of us, my parents are 10 minutes away and my inlaws (who I love) are less than a mile away. If I go two days or more without seeing one of them it would be odd.

I am with you Saluki. I have family back in Chicago who I try to visit at least a couple of times a year. Here in DC, one of my brothers and I have tried to recreate a family center -- he has 7 kids, which helps As of now we have DW and me, DS and his SO live about 1 mile away, my brother and his wife, and two nephews and their families. I hope DD moves back, but she likes NYC so maybe not. On DW's side, we have her father and a brother within 45 minutes.

Jumping on that same bandwagon.......... I'm up to my butt in Chicago's snow and freezing cold and there's nothing holding me here except the fondness for and comfort of family and longterm friends. It sometimes amazes DW and I. We seem to make friends easily and have a long list of folks we keep in touch with we met casually while traveling. Yet, there's something about family and old friends here at home that keeps us here much of the time.

LG4NB.......great pic!

 

[albundyz]

My wife and I will be retiring this year. we constantly dream about places that we'd like to move to. They all have advantages and disadvantages, but they all share one common fault......moving away from our kids.

I have three boys 20-22-33. We often have dinner together. Once last year, they all came for dinner with their girlfriends. I'll never forget how fun it was. It's always fun getting together.

I dream of Denver or a place in Florida or Oregon.....but I'd rather see my boys get married and have kids, experience the ups and downs of life (like the movie Parenthood).

Some day my boys may move to another part of the country. I know I can't chase them, but until that happens we'll probably stay where we are and enjoy the show.

 

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

There definitely is a strategic component to this. We had kids young, and I was in peak career while the kids were already out of college and grad school, setting up their own careers. I would love to have them near, but DW and I moved with my career, figuring that we would move near them once I retired.

Well, one moved 3 times so far (jobs) and lives in a place we do not find appealing. Hate to move there only to have them move again and leave us alone in a place not to our liking. The other is about to leave Wisconsin where we have ties, but now that's out. So, if we are not going to be near them we at least are happy to live in an area we like.

If at least one of the two appear to be stable and in a place we would otherwise find decent for ourselves, we'll follow. On a selfish note, I guess, now that we have been in warmer climates for 7 or 8 years, we would find it very hard to move back to a seriously cold area -- our lifestyle has become very outdoors oriented, 12 months a year. Only exception: both kids move to the same general area - in that case we follow all smiles, almost anywhere.

It's important to us to maintain an active and independent life separate from our kids wherever we end up.

 

[unclemick]

2006 - Kansas City, south of Seattle, and Thanksgiving in Pensacola. My sister's married to a mining engineer and her kids are career military.

Twenty years ago - in more stodgy days - we used to have a get together around Valentines at Fitzgerald's in Reno for about 5-6 yrs running. Me and the SO would fly out from New Orleans - most of the other relatives were out West in those days.

2007 - who knows.

heh heh heh - agile and mobile?

 

[youbet]

It's important to us to maintain an active and independent life separate from our kids wherever we end up.

Agree completely on that Rich!

Also, I think it would be very different to "follow" as compared to "remain." We've simply chosen to stay in our home close to immediate and extended family and long term friends and do significant traveling based out of here. If our son and grandkids moved, deciding to sell and follow would be a whole new decision and I'm not sure what we'd do.

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

there is a huge difference between circumstances keeping families apart. one, as rich states, seems generally a matter of career or geographical preference. the other often a matter of pride or intolerance. often, there is less distance when concerning far removed or even remote locations and more distance when concerning isolated or simply distant hearts.

 

[Buckeye]

What do you do when your hometown (Seattle) has become so expensive it's a budget buster? My mom, sister, grandmother, and all my girlfriends never left but I have been moving around the country for 25 years. They live in homes they purchased before the massive real estate boom so although the cost of living is relatively high, they are doing okay. I visit several times a year but I do miss them and the city very much. My current home in OH would cost me 2.5-3X in Seattle so moving there (pre- or post-retirement) would require a major downsizing or foregoing home ownership completely. It's not yet time to retire, but the choices are very difficult.

 

[bostonjoe]

My brother-in-law and his wife followed my wife and I to the same town. At first the 4 of us were great buddies. We are close in age and were fresh newlyweds. Lots of fun and socializing. But after a few years and some kids my wife and I both realized they are complete whack-jobs (narcissistic, super competitive, calculating, etc). Of course my wife knew her brother well but underestimated the impact of him marrying an equal. Just as I began my fantasizing that they'd relocate a few thousand miles away, they decided to buy an empty lot 500 feet away and build their dream home.
They're moving in soon and my small but manageable drinking problem is about evolving.

 

[Brat]

Take a deep breath and pull out the real estate adds. You and your wife should talk about plan B.