I just had one of THE MOST PROFOUND & emotionally moving moments of my life...

[thefed]

And it was the result of an Adam Sandler movie!


My wife and I have been butting heads lately about various things...and everything boiled over yesterday....I got a 2 page email. Today is our 1 year anniversary (of marriage, together for 10 yrs). We talked it out and were 'ok' on the surface but there's still issues.

The MAIN issue is my work habits....too much work not enough time with her or the kids. I KNOW I am doing these things, which is why I am trying to explore different avenues to correct this lifelong habit (see my 'finding contentment' thread). If I am not making good money and being productive I feel like crap and it spills into my family life (or lack thereof....I spend all my time plotting and scheming; inventing and reinventing way to make money, market my businesses etc). The kids suffer and she does too.


Well, today for our anniversary she wanted to lay in bed and watch a movie...so we grabbed a DVD that's not been opened in the few years we've owned it :"CLICK" with Adam Sandler. Now, this is not a Class A movie, but it certainly had the right 'moral' for me at the right time. So much so that I was actually sobbing (well, trying to hold it back) at the end. The plot is that of a business man who spends too much time at work, ignores the family, and misses out on a lot.

It was just what I needed at this point in my life. I've come to this same realizations several times before, but this movie so poignantly drove it home.

If you havent seen it, it's worth a few bucks to rent....a comedy/drama i guess you could call it.


Just thought I'd share...I'm still recovering... no joke.

 

[Rambler]

thefed, I have similar work tendencies although I have been working on those issues for a while. "Click" was a good "wake-up call" and reminder of what's really important in life. I got the message and even though I still have issues with working too much, being away too much, etc., I am trying, and it is paying off. (All of this said, I am in the business lounge at the airport in Shanghai, headed for Tokyo for 40 hours or so, then off to Paris, then Nice, then London, before I get to see my DW again, who is in California at the moment).

Hope you got the message, and that it sunk in. Watch the movie again in a few weeks or months to makes sure.

R

 

[Moemg]

And it was the result of an Adam Sandler movie!


My wife and I have been butting heads lately about various things...and everything boiled over yesterday....I got a 2 page email. Today is our 1 year anniversary (of marriage, together for 10 yrs). We talked it out and were 'ok' on the surface but there's still issues.

The MAIN issue is my work habits....too much work not enough time with her or the kids. I KNOW I am doing these things, which is why I am trying to explore different avenues to correct this lifelong habit (see my 'finding contentment' thread). If I am not making good money and being productive I feel like crap and it spills into my family life (or lack thereof....I spend all my time plotting and scheming; inventing and reinventing way to make money, market my businesses etc). The kids suffer and she does too.

Happy Anniversary , This may be your last anniversary if you do not spend time with the wife & children . My first marriage ended for this very reason . Being married to a workaholic is lonely and eventually you come to the conclusion that this is not the way to live .BTDT !

 

[thefed]

Happy Anniversary , This may be your last anniversary if you do not spend time with the wife & children . My first marriage ended for this very reason . Being married to a workaholic is lonely and eventually you come to the conclusion that this is not the way to live .BTDT !

i hope not...i'll do everything in my power to make sure that isnt so

its easy today...tomorrow...maybe next week....


but we shall see how if my habits creep back in a few months down the road.
i KNOW it is a tendency for me to be like this, so when i am not ACTIVELY fighting it, i slip back to the old me. this is why ive been trying to read a lot on the subjects of living in the present, inner peace etc....figuring if i keep on 'studying', eventually THAT will become a habit

OR, am i just hardwired this way? i unfortunately suspect i am, and doing anything other will always seem like a task

 

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

Crappy song, IMHO, but good message:

YouTube - Harry Chapin sings CATS IN THE CRADLE Live

I've made my share of bad decisions but was almost always there for the family, especially given the expectations of my job. I hope your insight sticks.

 

[Alan]

My wife and I have been butting heads lately about various things...and everything boiled over yesterday....I got a 2 page email. Today is our 1 year anniversary (of marriage, together for 10 yrs). We talked it out and were 'ok' on the surface but there's still issues.

You got a 2 page e-mail from your wife !!

It looks like you recognize the problem and it can be very tough to balance work and home. Has something changed? You have been together 10 years and married 1, so did your wife not know how work affected your lives or did she think you would change once you were married?

If you want the marriage to succeed you really do need to change. My DW was always so supportive during the periods when I was working too hard and away too much (longest was a 2 year stretch where I was away 50% of the time). BUT, they were only periods and I always either got on top of the new job and cut down the travel times or work hours, or I changed jobs.

I also never took up golf as I knew that I would like it (I've played several rounds) and the time away would be adding insult to injury.

Good luck in whatever course you take. (and don't try spying on her e-mails - bad boy!!)

 

[Fireup2020]

Your post made me smile. Keep it up! Leading the balanced life you want does require effort at times. As you can see, continually evaluating your priorities helps to keep it all together. (like managing your portfolio!)

 

[citrine]

I am glad you realized....after all, aren't you trying to make sure that your family is comfortable? However, if you don't have a family left to enjoy, it won't be worth it in the end.
Play more than you work, especially if you are in a good spot financially right now....you may not have a tomorrow.

 

[freebird5825]

It was an excellent movie on many levels...not surprised that it "got to you".

I watched Click in a completely different frame of mind about 4 years ago. The movie's message about making the right priorities in life actually made me SMILE .
I was also deeply moved remembering that my LH did spend as much time as he could with me in spite of frequent traveling for the j*b.

 

[Dawg52]

Never got married, never worked too hard. Guess I'm SOL here.

 

[GoodSense]

What a timely post! Even though I watched the movie about 2 years ago, I've been thinking about it a lot more lately. Every time I feel unhappy about my situation and want to "fast-forward" to a future time, I think about the movie and what I would have missed. I don't want my life to pass me by.

This month has been especially hard. DH is away for work until June. Winter is depressing -- negative 10 almost everyday. At w*rk I am bored by the project assigned to me. I feel that my industry will be in decline for the next 3 years. The urge to press the fastforward button is quite strong and I have to fight to remember to live in the moment/find contentment.

 

[ERD50]

i hope not...i'll do everything in my power to make sure that isnt so

its easy today...tomorrow...maybe next week....


but we shall see how if my habits creep back in a few months down the road.
i KNOW it is a tendency for me to be like this, so when i am not ACTIVELY fighting it, i slip back to the old me. ...

So here's a suggestion - talk to your wife, ask her to bring it up to you as soon as she notices you "slipping back to old habits".

Sending a 2 page email is a pretty clear sign that this has been bugging her, and she let it build up until it boiled over. Since you seem willing to change, ask for her help in identifying when things start getting out of hand. That way, if you are sincere, you can correct it before she gets very worked up about it. But you have to listen, and not make her feel like she is "bugging" you about it. Thank her for bringing it up to you (and smile when you say that, no matter how hard ).

Careful.... don't make it seem like "her fault" for waiting to tell you. Just talk about trying it this way in the future, so that you can work together on the problem before it gets anyone upset.

-ERD50

 

[FinanceDude]

Never got married, never worked too hard. Guess I'm SOL here.

You have been married to GOLF for quite some time.........

 

[audreyh1]

If I am not making good money and being productive I feel like crap and it spills into my family life (or lack thereof....I spend all my time plotting and scheming; inventing and reinventing way to make money, market my businesses etc). The kids suffer and she does too.

I think you have got something here. If your self-worth is so closely tied to your role as a producer/breadwinner then you will keep falling into these habits. Seems like learning how to modify that connection - how to see yourself as worthy even if you aren't mostly productive in the breadwinner sense - would be key here.

For some people their self-worth is tied up in how much they contribute (personally, not financially) and share with loved ones.

Audrey

 

[simple girl]

This month has been especially hard. DH is away for work until June. Winter is depressing -- negative 10 almost everyday. At w*rk I am bored by the project assigned to me. I feel that my industry will be in decline for the next 3 years. The urge to press the fastforward button is quite strong and I have to fight to remember to live in the moment/find contentment.

Uggh - away until June? Wow. I would be feeling pretty rough, too.

Sounds to me like you need something outside of work to distract you and give you something else to focus on. Any clubs/hobbies/projects you might want to start? This always helps me.

 

[GoodSense]

Thanks, Simple Girl! I have taken up a lot of hobbies lately to keep myself busy. I have something scheduled almost every evening. I am also learning the guitar, which has been a lot of fun. But there is a haunting feeling in the back of my mind that I am just doing these things to occupy time so I don't have time to feel lonely. There is difference between doing things that are fun, and that are both fun and purposeful, and I think I need more of the latter. So I need to do a little soul-searching to really fill the void.

thefed, I have done the same thing your wife did -- sending a 2-page email explaining my frustrations. For me, I know I express myself better in writing when I feel too emotional to say what I need to say the most effectively and calmly. I agree with the comment to ask your DW to remind you when you slip into the old mode. Also, I find it helpful to email myself the rationale for my choices, so when I forget, I can read again to remind myself.

Good for you guys to keep the communication open.

 

[Dreamer]

Happy Anniversary late. It sounds like you are taking the time to "grow" as a person. You sound like you are in the infant, maybe toddler stages. I don't know if I will ever make it to the adult stage, but I keep trying. The main thing is that you are growing and the growth can happen quite quickly, if one is motivated enough. You sound motivated and you are reaching out for help through reading and reflection and through this forum. I think that is wonderful. It is not easy to change and I hope that your DW can see that you are trying and will stick with you. I am reading A New Earth Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle and Don't Sweat the Small Stuff...and it's all small stuff by Richard Carlson aloud to my DH. I have read both of these books previously. He has been going through a rough patch lately. The last segment in Don't Sweat the Small Stuff is titled Live This Day as if It Were Your Last. It Might Be! I really enjoyed his writings and found it terrible that he died so young. Keep in mind that even if your wife waits for you, your children will not. Their childhood goes so quickly. Try to think what their childhood memories of you will be 20 yrs from now.

I am like Rich, I have definitely made my share of mistakes, but always tried to be there for my children. I was not the best mother, but I was a good mother.

Keep your spiritual journey going. I would try putting up cards or sticky notes with sayings that remind you of what is most important to you and that will gently guide you in that direction. Good luck. I think that this thread and the Contentment/Happiness thread has given us some food for thought. Thanks.

I always tear up when I hear Cats in the Cradle. It is such a sad, but true song.

 

[BunsGettingFirm]

This is an excerpt from Harry Browne's How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World:

Your life is yours to spend as you choose. You don’t have to be wealthy; you don’t have to be involved in a family; you don’t have to be successful. If any of those things are a part of your life, it should be only because you choose them. There are no rules for what your life should be.

When you decide what you want, it’s important to recognize that there are many things you want. You can envision many more desirable alternatives than you could satisfy in a lifetime. Desires always exceed resources. That’s why you choose — to satisfy the desires most important to you. It’s essential to realize that you can’t have everything, you can’t do everything.

There’s always a price — and the price can be expressed in the alternatives that must be given up for something. There are many things you could do with your life. But which ones do you want
most? What would you be willing to give up in order to advance your career, to become famous, to be wealthy? Are you willing to set aside the next twenty years of your life for the possibility that you may become wealthy? Are you willing to forego the leisure, the entertainment, the family life, and other things most people take for granted?

Always view your desires within the context of your whole life. There is an unlimited number of things you can do to make money. But that’s the point: Since there is an unlimited number, you have to draw the line somewhere. It’s unrealistic to say you’ll “do anything you have to” to make money. To say that is to give up everything else in life that you might enjoy. So it’s best to draw limits at the beginning — limits that are appropriate to your own nature. If
you do that, you’ll be less likely to be burdened by thoughts of what you could have done to make more money. You’ll know what you received in place of the extra earning hours.

I’ve always wanted to be rich, but I’ve always been very lazy, too. One day I had it out with myself and decided that, given a choice, I would prefer a lower financial status to working long hours at something I didn’t enjoy. I still wanted money for the things it could buy. But I established limits beyond which I wouldn’t go to acquire wealth. I defined them clearly and they were compatible with what I knew about myself. So I never had to feel guilty when I wasn’t working.

For the past few years I’ve worked only at things I’ve generally enjoyed. I knew that it was better to do that (no matter what the monetary return) than to commit myself to a lifetime of intense effort and joyless drudgery.

Perhaps it isn’t surprising that I’ve made far more money during these past few years than I ever made before. For I’m much more valuable doing what I enjoy than I am doing what is distasteful to me.

If it hadn’t turned out that way, I wouldn’t be sorry. I made a choice that was appropriate to my nature and I was quite willing to live by it — no matter what the monetary result. I knew I would never be happy living any other way.

If you’re not willing to give up the things that you enjoy, accept that and don’t waste your time and attention pining over what you should have done to be more successful. Establish a set of priorities; place limits upon the effort you’ll make to be professionally successful; and then remind yourself of those limits whenever you’re
tempted to be regretful.

On the other hand, if wealth and achievement are what you do want — more than parties, friendships, love affairs, family activities, more than anything — then recognize that and accept it. Do what is necessary to succeed and don’t let anyone browbeat you with accusations that you’re “self-centered” or “greedy.” Do what you want to do. But recognize that there are many things you want to
do and you can’t have them all. So establish priorities in your values and stick to the ones at the top. When you have to give up the lesser values, don’t waste your time bemoaning the loss of what could have been obtained only by giving up something
more valuable.

 

[My Dream]

I can totally relate except for the email since I was such a workoholic that I didn't even have time to be on the pc. I basically didn't have a personal life and for me it was a matter of trying to get more then 6 hrs. sleep. The money was great but I never had time to spend any of it so luckily we banked it for a rainy day. Well that rainy day came several years early when one day I could see something was wrong will my wife. When you've been married as long as the signs are there, it's just a matter of whether you take the time to see them and or act on it. I asked her if something was wrong and it ended up being a very emotional 3 day conversation starting off with she wasn't happy, well I wasn't either.
In conclusion, I was never home and when I was it was either trying to get enough sleep to make it through another day.... or working on another bid to my next job which I knew I would always get. I found myself having to decide between family and work and at age 49 I retired. You see being self employed for 13 years I took alot or work away from the competiton since I never turned work away, I knew the day I did I'd loose it all, so rather I left it all, since at that point I was so close to loosing it all at home. I quickly finished my last job and had the competion start my next one.
Today I get along with my family more than I could imagine, but there are many days that I truly miss the 6 figure income, but I don't miss the workload or more so the STRESS.

I hope you make the right decision thefed and truly go with your heart.

 

[Dawg52]

You have been married to GOLF for quite some time.........

The weather has made me 'single' for the last few weeks.

 

[thefed]

Thanks for all the encouragement. It really does help.

She and I are taking a quick 4-day to Vegas to celebrate our anniversary (got married there last year) so we will have some time to re-connect and talk I'm sure.

Again THANKS for the encouraging words...and to some of you for admitting you are in/were in the same boat. Makes me a feel a little better!

 

[Alan]

Thanks for all the encouragement. It really does help.

She and I are taking a quick 4-day to Vegas to celebrate our anniversary (got married there last year) so we will have some time to re-connect and talk I'm sure.

Again THANKS for the encouraging words...and to some of you for admitting you are in/were in the same boat. Makes me a feel a little better!

Have a great trip, and Good Luck.

 

[thefed]

Maybe someone can lend some advice on this front:

For the last year my wife has bugged me to have a third and final child and I have sternly told her no I am done. I would've preferred just one, although I of course love them both unconditionally.

Well, in the email was a paragraph about how she doesnt feel our family is complete, she isnt complete, cant be happy etc etc knowing she cant have one more kid...its her purpose in life etc etc

well, we just were talking and it came out again, this time with a river of tears i have never seen from her...she WANTS and feels she NEEDS another child badly.

I told her i would not absoultely close my mind to it, but we would need to re-evaluate our circumstances in a year or so and go from there. She said that made her so happy just to know there's a chance...but she also know when i say 'maybe' it usually is a nice way of saying no


I am content with two. I might lose my mind with 3....i'm almost there as it is (18 mos, 4 yrs old). BUT, deep down inside when i envision being 60 and having the kids over for xmas dinner...i think there is another kid or even two. I dont know why, but i've always seen that. i was an only child, so i dont even know what thats like


How does a couple decide whether or not to have more kids when they are totally torn in opposite directions...of course the naysayer always wins because 'not having another' is the default option in life, til you try and succeed at having one


anyone?

 

[W2R]

To me, if either parent does not want to have another child, then it is a "NO GO". Period, end of discussion. I don't see you yearning for another child. If I were you, I would be kind but extremely firm about this one.

 

[My Dream]

I've learned that happiniess comes from within, we have two kids and have been married for close to 25 years. We didn't plan on having two kids, only one but it happened. I love my wife unconditionally and didn't need kids to make our family complete as I was complete the day I met her. I have never regreted having two kids but feel they were are are still a hand full. When we had the second it was with open arms even though I knew we both didn't plan it.
I say have more kids if you both want another addition to the family but not to make yourself or her complete, happy, need, more of a family....I think you get the picture.