We have always had issues over housework / time management once we had kids. I told DH about the comment in this thread on "apparently all my time has to be accounted for" and we had a good laugh because that sounds just like us.
I won't say we have solved these issues, but so far this is what helped:
Having a schedule and dividing up the work fairly between both of us and the kids. Putting the schedule in a spreadsheet and putting the sheet on the fridge. My FIL told me to do this after a visit and observing what went on in our house.
Research based couples communication training: using time outs when flooded, processing disagreements using the speaker listener technique when calm:
Relationship Experts -The Gottman Institute | Science-based support for couples & the professionals who help them
https://www.prepinc.com/
According to the Gottman and Prep Inc. research, processing disagreements in a positive way, if both spouses are motivated to do so, this is a skill that can be learned, just like driving a car or playing tennis.
A few points of interest from the Gottman training:
Most couples have issues, some will be irresolvable, like one person is a slob and one is neat. Sometimes divorce just trades one set of issue for another. For many, conflict resolution skills may offer a lasting solution.
Men tend to have more issues with emotional flooding than women, and honoring time outs when flooding occurs, and learning to self sooth is an important part of peaceful conflict resolution.
Taking a walk, a twenty minute break to do crossword puzzles, and/or having a cup of calming peppermint or chamomile tea can help with self soothing.
Constant arguing in the home causes unhealthy stress levels in children.