Non-retired Spouses

[old medic]

Anyone else have a spouse stuck in the grind? Or lived thru that for a while? At times I feel guilty about her still having to work. It also seems she complains a whole lot more to me about crap at work. She currently qualifies for a reduced pension with insurance, but only about 25% of what its would be in about 5 years. We just can't take that kind of hit. At 54/59 we are doing better than we ever had dreamed.

 

[target2019]

I was retired for 2.5 years or so until she crossed over. Not even six months later she is going to a part-time job. I made coffee and wished her well with orientation this morning.

I did feel bad when she went to work on days with bad weather. I still got up at 5:30 AM and made coffee.

Your five years to go will not pass quickly. Try to make it more fun.

 

[punkinhead]

I retired a year before my wife. Two or three days a week I'd have her get up early so she could leave a vehicle for me at the river take out so that I could go fishing. Continuing to work was her choice so I felt no guilt at all.

 

[Midpack]

I thought DW would retire a few months after me, but she went on to work another 7 years! She’s younger than me and she had the best job of her career so she choose to stick with it, and for the considerable savings in health insurance. I felt a little guilty though I told her she could retire when I did. And she’d be the first to admit she enjoyed having me make all the meals Mon thru Fri, me doing all the shopping and laundry. She joked with her buddies at work that she had ‘a personal chef.’ Taking over most of the domestic duties made the situation more equitable to us.

If I’d known she would continue to work that much longer, I wouldn’t have retired. We’re both retired now, and about 3x FI due to her working longer, so there was an upside.

 

[old medic]

Two or three days a week I'd have her get up early so she could leave a vehicle for me at the river take out so that I could go fishing.

OH SNAP.... This is an Idea I didn't need put in my head... I'm leaving Wednesday for a 4 day kayak camping trip with friends.

 

[braumeister]

When I retired there was no real need for DW to keep on, but she wouldn't even consider it. She loved her job and the people. The social aspects of it were what she enjoyed the most, so she kept at it for another ten years.

I gladly took up all the shopping, cooking, and (most of the) cleaning chores, and still do all that. I found out, much to my surprise, that I really enjoy the cooking so it was never any hardship at all, and she really appreciated it.

 

[EastWest Gal]

My DH dealt with that for a lifetime. But we planned for that and discussed it, even before we decided to marry. I was in medical school, and he was a musician. He jumped at various opportunities, but never hit the big time. He mostly made up for it by taking on 80% of child care responsibilities and a lot of household chores. I say mostly because there are many things of which he has never "taken ownership", so I ended up spending my too little free time dealing with-details of vacation planning, shopping and cooking. Heck, it was only after I retired that I taught him how easy it was to cook bacon and scrambled eggs!

Realize that your feeling guilty does not help at all. The worst thing is to tell her you feel guilty. She'll feel bad that you feel guilty!

Find a few action items that make her life easier. As someone who spent my last 7 years of full time work on my feet for at least 10 out of 12 hours, my end of the day guaranteed foot massage by DH got me through it. Take ownership of many of the household chores. Do not see it as "doing her a favor" but that those things are now your job.

She complains to you because she can. I'm going to reference an old silly book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." She complains to you, not to have you solve her problems, but to have her complaints validated. Validate them. Listen to understand her. Be a sounding board. You do her great service by just being that. She needs you to understand her, not to solve her problems.

Understand that you being home is a huge gift to both of you. Make the most of it. Be the stay at home spouse that makes the rest of her life easier. And find a good countdown clock!

 

[athena53]

I was 15 years younger than DH. We married when I was 50 and he was 65, and immediately moved halfway across the country for my job. He was in advertising so you can imagine his job prospects. He filed for SS (65 was FRA in his cohort) and brought in some money from freelance work.

It worked out VERY well. He kept the house and the yard and did the cooking. We were finally able to deal with all the businesses that assume an adult will be on the premises all day to wait around for them. He did the research and got competitive bids on major work on the house. The other side of the coin: I loved my job, it involved occasional trips in Business Class to London, Zurich and Bangalore (we made good use of the frequent flyer and hotel miles ) and we were able to save a lot because we we'd moved from NNJ to the KC area.

I retired at 61 due to toxic politics but never resented working FT while he was at home. My Ex was unemployed the last 5 years of the marriage but he sat on the couch and did nothing all day except refill his glass of vodka and max out his credit cards. My second marriage was far different. If the stay-at-home spouse, male or female, is bring other forms of support to the table, that's what's important.

 

[Ronstar]

DW had to get to 58 years old to get retiree medical, so she worked about 6 months longer than I did. I wanted to retire years earlier, but she didn't like the idea of years of her working and me not working.

So I went part time 1-2 days a week for a couple of years prior to my retirement . That was ok with her, because I made grocery runs, cleaned the house, did some laundry, etc.

 

[Aerides]

I know myself well enough that had DH retired years before me, those would be very difficult years, difficult enough that it would be unwise to take that approach.

Especially if the retirement for two depends on the staying-at-work for just one. It creates a massive shift in the dynamic of the marriage, one that can create grudges and resentments very easily.

Granted, OP has an age difference, we don't. But I knew all along we'd need to retire close to one another, and we did. But, OP, find a way to fix this a lot quicker than planned. And yes you should be doing 100% of the household cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping, handing her a coffee to take with her in the morning, etc.

 

[MarieIG]

DH had a physically demanding job, as well as a mentally stressful one. He had better benefits.

I had a mentally stressful job with long hours, and health issues.

Each one wanted the other to retire first.

DH ended up retiring first, and was a great help to me around the house - but then again he always was: shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. He drove me to and from work (during Covid when I was no longer taking the train/ subway into the city). He also has been a tremendous help to our son's family who had a special needs child. (It's hard to imagine how hard this can be unless you go through it.) No, he did not go camping for days at a time. Those times he left it was to help family. He is an early bird and loves nature, so I sent / send him out to the beach every morning; and also make sure that he gets in a walk in a nearby park several times a week. He really wanted me to retire very badly, and was thrilled when I did so.

 

[Ready2Go]

I retired in Feb 2021 with her full support. She knew I was miserable for a long time...stressed, not sleeping, etc. Her job has a very good pension but the "haircut" for leaving, even a year early, is 15%. If I were in her shoes, I would stick around as well. She will be eligible for full benefit in Dec 2025. I'll support whatever she decides. That is, if she cant make it that far, we'll manage fine.
For now, it has worked out great. I do all of shopping, cooking, lawn care & about half of the cleaning. I let her vent about work and commute frustrations. It's all good. I also spent the first year of retirement doing some major home improvement projects...bathroom, painting, etc. I am now looking for seasonal tax prep work. Not because of guilt or spouse pressure. Only because of potential winter boredom and the economic situation.

 

[old medic]

Thanks for the replies..
I love all the housework suggestions... My former work schedule had me 12 hour shifts, rotating Days and Nights, Weekends, Holidays... and a week off every month. I have for years done work around the house, cooking laundry cleaning.. ECT... and do most of it now... Its not a job for me... its just stuff needed done. We do enjoy cooking together, Many a summer weekend is spent canning stuff from our garden.
Most mornings I'm up before her, and get her coffee ready before she gets in the kitchen. Shes not a breakfast person, 9-10 brunch on weekends is normal.. I cook.

 

[folivier]

When I took early retirement at 55+ and was preparing the motorhome for long trips my DW told me she was concerned I would be bored and would continue working for at least a year. During that year I completed every home project, got the motorhome in top shape to travel, lined up someone to take care of the yard and house while we (I) were gone for the summer. Then I told her I was leaving and she could either come with me or meet me somewhere. She turned in her notice.

 

[Ian S]

I'm 16 years older than DH and am retired for nearly 10. He works full time from home and likes what he does. He was out of work for a over a year during the worst of COVID but managed to get his old job back last fall with same pay and all benefits. He's a bit OCD and we both feel the job helps provides some structure to his days. It actually worked out pretty well as he realized during his unemployment that he wasn't really ready to be retired (mid-50's). We both enjoy some travel and since he gets six weeks vacation, we usually can travel as much as homebodies like us care to (we both start to get antsy after a couple of weeks away.) The only concern with him retiring early is healthcare but even then if we decide to pull that plug we can afford to. We are both active but I realize that could change so our out of country travel will be mainly over the next few years with Europe planned for 2023. No guilt on my part for being retired as we're both happy with our situation for now.

 

[ivinsfan]

You'll have to make the best of it since there are no other options. I actually remember asking you if this would become an issue since 5 years is a long time.



I think you have a house build going as well. Is your spouse able to get away like you are? If not probably best to make that start happening.

 

[Andre1969]

The only personal example I can really think of is my maternal grandparents. Granddad took an early retirement at the age of 55, from the federal gov't in 1971. He did it to take care of Grandmom's favorite aunt, who moved in with them in her old age. She died after about a year, but Granddad never did go back to work. Although, he and his brother-in-law did a lot of "shade tree mechanic" work and made some money on the side, at least until downsizing and more complicated emissions controls made cars more aggravating to work on.

Grandmom was forced into retirement at the end of 1980, when Glenn Dale Hospital shut down. She was 56. However, she started doing work from home, doing transcription work or something like that, for some doctors she knew. And at some point, she went back to work part time/on call for a hospital about 15 miles away. Sometimes she'd work almost 40 hours per week, but she could work as much or as little as she chose.

Granddad ended up dying from lung/lymph node cancer in 1990, at the age of 73. Grandmom kept working until she hit 70, in 1994. Even then, she didn't want to quit, but figured that, at her age, it was time, what you were "supposed" to do.

So, my grandparents never really got to spend a retirement together, in the strictest sense. But, I still remember them taking off on a whim here and there, on various road trips, camping trips, etc. In '78 they took my Mom and me on a 2-week trip that ended out in Yellowstone. And in '82 they took me on a pretty major 8-week trip across the country and back, where we just took out time wandering, basically. And there were a few other trips here and there we went on, mostly to the Shenandoah mountains, once out to see some friends in Indiana, etc. And, they seemed to take a lot of trips, just by themselves. It's funny, but looking back on it now, even though Grandmom didn't retire completely until she was 70, it still seemed like she was "always there". Probably, because she was working while I was at school, or work, myself.

Anyway, they seemed to make the most of it, and enjoyed the time they had, even if they never were, technically, retired together.

As for Grandmom, once she did retire, she hated it. She was used to being busy, and having people around, I think. At the time, I was living with her, and so was my uncle. But, I moved out on my own in late 1994, and the dog died in early 1995, and suddenly she went from a life that had always been full of people and animals, to just my uncle...and he worked a lot so she rarely saw him. She actually got depressed, to the point she had to be hospitalized, in the summer of 1995. And then her vision got bad, and when she turned 75, in 1999, she was unable to renew her driver's license. So in her case, to me it seems like the "pre-retirement" era, the 1970's and 80's, part of the 90's, when she was getting a good balance of work and free time, was actually a happier time for her than her actual retirement.

 

[pacergal]

My DH retired before me, however it was only 6 months. During that time, he took over all household duties, cooking. cleaning, etc. So basically my job was work and that was it. My home life was rest and recover! DH also was up every morning, made coffee, packed my lunch, dinner was ready when I got home. He tried to make it as stress free as possible.

Yes, I did complain about work, probably more than before, also. LOL. But he just listened and did not try to "fix" things.
Is she really miserable at work, or does she just need a listening ear to gripe too?

5 years doesn't seem that long, except when you are looking forward to retirement!
Make sure your wife takes every possible vacation and personal time off she can. Take those Sick days-->Mental health time off counts!

Perhaps a sit down together, reviewing financials and your plan might help.
If she truly is miserable, is there a possibility of her working part time without losing too much of her pension? What about you picking up a part time job to make up for some loss of her income?

Best Wishes as you work on this dilemma together.

 

[old medic]

I think you have a house build going as well.
Is your spouse able to get away like you are?

That is correct, and slowly getting things done... Its challenging doing most the work by myself.
We have for years managed to do many long weekend escapes together, and still do. They just changed to 4/10s a week, and she is scheduling it so we can have a 4 day weekend every other weekend.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

I know myself well enough that had DH retired years before me, those would be very difficult years, difficult enough that it would be unwise to take that approach.

Especially if the retirement for two depends on the staying-at-work for just one. It creates a massive shift in the dynamic of the marriage, one that can create grudges and resentments very easily.

I think this is VERY dependent on the couple. Sure, it could happen...but it's also quite likely NOT to happen.

I am now on year 8 of being retired (albeit there was 3 years of law school and a couple of projects sprinkled in there) and DW has continued to work. It's been tougher on me than on her. She seems to appreciate me doing much of the house w*rk and being able to "deal with things."

I have waffleed back on forth on her w*rking...sometimes it doesn't bother me, other times it bothers me quite a bit. There is absolutely no reason for her to continue to w*rk (monetarily speaking) but it just seems to be ingrained. Her parents are in their 70s and are very successful professionally and monetarily. They could have sold off the businesses YEARS ago, but they continue to this day, even though neither are terribly healthy.

Thankfully, I am a homebody and have no issues with hanging around the house. We travel as DW wishes so I don't have wanderlust or FOMO. Sure, it would be nice if she slept in on occasion like I do, but she doesn't get mad if and when I do.

One thing that I am NOT a fan of is her complaining to me about w*rk. I could go on and on about it, but then I would be as guilty. She has w*rked from home since 2013, so I am the sounding board for all her issues. I would like to say I am used to it, but I am not.

 

[ivinsfan]

That is correct, and slowly getting things done... Its challenging doing most the work by myself.
We have for years managed to do many long weekend escapes together, and still do. They just changed to 4/10s a week, and she is scheduling it so we can have a 4 day weekend every other weekend.

Yes but can use that time to get away with friends for some checkout downtime...like the trip you have planned.

 

[kcowan]

I retired and DW was not ready so she worked for two more years while I played. Then she agreed to pack it in. There were no benefits to continuing to work for her. We had barely enough to retire but the markets have been good to us until now!

 

[kgtest]

My DH dealt with that for a lifetime. But we planned for that and discussed it, even before we decided to marry. I was in medical school, and he was a musician. He jumped at various opportunities, but never hit the big time. He mostly made up for it by taking on 80% of child care responsibilities and a lot of household chores. I say mostly because there are many things of which he has never "taken ownership", so I ended up spending my too little free time dealing with-details of vacation planning, shopping and cooking. Heck, it was only after I retired that I taught him how easy it was to cook bacon and scrambled eggs!

Realize that your feeling guilty does not help at all. The worst thing is to tell her you feel guilty. She'll feel bad that you feel guilty!

Find a few action items that make her life easier. As someone who spent my last 7 years of full time work on my feet for at least 10 out of 12 hours, my end of the day guaranteed foot massage by DH got me through it. Take ownership of many of the household chores. Do not see it as "doing her a favor" but that those things are now your job.

She complains to you because she can. I'm going to reference an old silly book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." She complains to you, not to have you solve her problems, but to have her complaints validated. Validate them. Listen to understand her. Be a sounding board. You do her great service by just being that. She needs you to understand her, not to solve her problems.

Understand that you being home is a huge gift to both of you. Make the most of it. Be the stay at home spouse that makes the rest of her life easier. And find a good countdown clock!

You are a wise women with the validation suggestion. It's so true. I learned this after quite a few hours of 1:1 marriage counseling. Men are from Mars, and women ARE from Venus. DW taught me how to make scrambled eggs the RIGHT way as soon as we had our first kid. I really want to get more involved in the cooking, cleaning etc...and its a constant tug of war/bicker as to keeping the share of tasks even, equitable and fair. What's fair is not even, and what's even is not fair. DW has no care to try and retire early, but something tells me once I am lounging around for a year or two she will catch the bug. We do discuss what we will retire to...which will be travelling, supporting our kids interests and dreams as young adults and taking on new hobbies. I can't wait! Just gotta keep accumulating and investing.

 

[old medic]

Yes but can use that time to get away with friends for some checkout downtime...like the trip you have planned.

That is exactly what we do... We have spent 60+ days camping some place this year. Most of the guys on this trip camped with us at our Daughter's wedding on the 22nd. 2 of them actually jumped in and helped me walk her down the aisle, and stood there to help give her away... Got a great laugh from the crowd.
Unfortunately our camper is down due to a stuck slide out, Made for a tight time at the wedding for 6 days, and now in the shop till parts arrive.

 

[old medic]

Yes, I did complain about work, probably more than before, also. LOL. But he just listened and did not try to "fix" things.
Is she really miserable at work, or does she just need a listening ear to gripe too?
Make sure your wife takes every possible vacation and personal time off she can. Take those Sick days-->Mental health time off counts!
Perhaps a sit down together, reviewing financials and your plan might help.
If she truly is miserable, Best Wishes as you work on this dilemma together.

I just act as a sounding board, and understand the issues she is facing. She has been here 22 years and is dedicated to helping "Her Kids". She has taken a bunch of time off, and still will be rolling some vacation into sick time bank. Currently working half days following back surgery.