Post-Retirement Struggles for Someone Who Should have None

[Sittler27]

Hey everyone,

I'm a 51 year old father of two teenagers (17/15) and husband to my beautiful wife (50).
My wife has been retired for about 4 years now, but I stepped away from a 27 year career in the fairly lucrative corporate meeting-after-meeting world in Feb 2020, unbeknownst to me about a month before COVID lockdowns began.

I was an IT best practice consultant pimping myself out to large Canadian corporations and enduring meeting after relentless meeting of gibberish.
I couldn't take the relentless demands and workloads anymore, so my plan at the time was to take "a few months off" to recalibrate myself to a career change towards something more hands-on (but entirely less lucrative).

With COVID lockdowns though, I really haven't gone back to anything job-related and will say I am pretty much fully retired at this point apart from running a personal mortgage business that takes up <4hrs of my time/week.

In a way I've kind of used COVID as an excuse to not go back to some kind of steady work, but on the other hand I really have no financial need to go back either.
A few years ago there was a sharing of wealth from my parents. This sharing came in the form of half of their wealth ($2MM+) by way of a mortgage lending business my father ran (even up to the age of his death this past January. He was 91).
Further to that, since his death, all of the remaining mortgage business he continued to run has also passed to me (another $2MM).

So in summary, while I consider myself to be fully retired at 51, I still earn an after-tax (NET) annual interest income of $200K+ (Canadian).
My monthly gross income is $34K and my monthly expenses are $25K. This includes all income tax payable, etc., leaving me with ~$8-9K savings/month, which over time I lend out again as mortgages earning higher and higher interest income.

Add to this my total net worth (if I liquidated everything I own) is currently over $8MM (Canadian), and you can see why I've pretty much abandoned any plans of returning to any kind of work.

COVID put a real hamper on my initial plans to do some travelling in my first year of retirement, and we are just clawing back out of the isolation state now. However, my father's recent death has left me in primary care of my mother (which at times can be almost like a part-time job), so I'm not free to travel as easily now that COVID is lifting.
So I've spent money on things rather than experiences lately, building out a world-class home theater, home renovations, etc.

We don't plan to move from our current home for another 8 years+ or until the kids of have both fully flown-the-coop.
After that, we will likely move into a smaller home (or condo) in the area (Oakville, Ontario, Canada) and travel more often - by then we will both be close to 60.

Currently, I spend my time taking care of myself (health/fitness buff) and my family (tasks/chores, etc.).
Add to this now being the primary care-giver for my 89 year old mother (I am an only child), who is in good health but is struggling emotionally with my father's recent passing.
I also have multiple hobbies (audio/video/home theater), biking, running, working out, checking out local live music and just listening to music.

But all of this seems unfulfilling at times and I struggle with my existential purpose in life.
My father was a very, very hard worker all throughout his lifetime to gather together his wealth - he was addicted to earning money, but I did not have his same life experiences - quite different actually.
I've always subscribed to the philosophy that you don't need to earn more than you need (or are going to need) and thanks to him my family has much more than we will need financially.

This leaves me much time to continue to ponder my existential purpose in life, and I often wonder if I am destined for something more than just my primary duties, working out and my other hobbies...

 

[REWahoo]

No helpful advice here, only posting to say that you suffer from what many of us experience in life - figuring out what you want to be when you grow up. Best wishes in your search.

 

[W2R]

Maybe your "purpose" is to finally kick back and enjoy the fruits of your labor, earned during so many years of your life, up to now.

To me, the use of the word "purpose" immediately inspires the question, "purpose to who?". If you are religious, then the answer would be God and you will find your purpose at your place of worship. If (like me) you are not especially religious, I think your purpose has been met through your many years of work, and it's time for you to enjoy the (time and money) rewards you have earned during all those years. That's your purpose IMO.

 

[Sittler27]

No helpful advice here, only posting to say that you suffer from what many of us experience in life - figuring out what you want to be when you grow up. Best wishes in your search.

Ain't that the truth - worked my whole life and still haven't figured out what I want to do yet.

I'm forcing myself to think that what I'm doing is exactly what I should be doing, and that nothing more is perfectly acceptable, but the impulsion for something more is there and I chock that up to how I was raised and who I was raised by.
But it's hard to do more (go to work, etc.) when there's not much of a reason to, leading to some complacency and laziness/malaise.

 

[Sittler27]

Maybe your "purpose" is to finally kick back and enjoy the fruits of your labor, earned during so many years of your life, up to now.

To me, the use of the word "purpose" immediately inspires the question, "purpose to who?". If you are religious, then the answer would be God and you will find your purpose at your place of worship. If (like me) you are not especially religious, I think your purpose has been met through your many years of work, and it's time for you to enjoy the (time and money) rewards you have earned during all those years. That's your purpose IMO.

Yes, I think you are right. As per my previous post just now, I am forcing myself to accept that, but it's challenging for me.

Good point about purpose being "to who" - it frames it up nicely when thought about it that way, as I have always been taught of a sense of duty so the purpose feeling I have is likely instilled in that I have a "duty" towards my legacy since my father was such a hard worker, seems unfair for me to just sit back when he could not at my age.
But I know it's silly of me to think this way - likely a way of me currently coping with his death - he taught me a lot in life.

BTW - I am not especially religious, but I am somewhat "spiritual".

 

[Dash man]

I’ve found researching and providing help to some charitable organizations has been very fulfilling. We are involved in our faith too, so much giving is to Catholic charities, feeding the hungry, medical missions , helping Ukraine refugees. We sponsor children in Haiti and Honduras, purchase livestock to help families and other things. We also support good charities here in the US that provide disaster assistance and disease research. There is so much need out there, but research needs to be done because there are also wasteful charities too.

 

[brett]

Throughout our lives we have always focused on moving forward.

We have never been inclined to feel sorry for ourselves or moan and groan. We just get on with it. No time for self pity. Life has been so good to us.

We are financially independent and extremely grateful for it. And in good health. It is why we retired early. You cannot buy time with good health. We are the luckiest people in the world. We have traveled extensively in retirement. It is not just our health and finances it is also how fortunate we are to live where we do with the freedoms that we have.

There are so many around us with serious health challenges, financial challenges, joblessness issues, etc that it makes us feel somewhat guilty when even for a second ,we start with the poor me business.

 

[tmitchell]

As we all know here, society gives us a script that defines our purpose from the start. You’ve torn up that script which requires you to craft a new one.

You mention your father taught you to work in service of earning and presumably more hard work. I think serving something is where we feel we have “purpose”. Religion and charity work for some. Seeking enlightenment or joy can also work for others. Solving problems big and small (cheap space travel/how to make a better bag clip), protecting nature or animals, making art…these are some ways I see others solving the problem.

I’m with you on this question. I have much less money than you but have begun thinking of ways I can deploy it for good. It’s a resource to be used, not just be held onto.

On the purpose side I’m starting to experiment. Yesterday I volunteered to guest speak in a university classroom. It was kind of fun but the dead faces made me wonder if I made any impact. Poor teachers! Today I’m hitting the road to rekindle my childhood love for camping and commune with nature, which always gives me a sense of connection and meaning.

Last, I just got the book Designing Your Life which I recommend. Some thought provoking ideas. I say start experimenting rather than spend energy dwelling.

 

[pacergal]

OP--What could bring more "purpose" to our lives but caring for our elderly parents? You are blessed to have had a father who gave you a wonderful legacy and a mother who needs your care and compassion as she now navigates the rest of her life without her partner.
You also have two kids who are entering young adulthood, a great time to spend with them/guide them/make tons of memories--travel, etc.

Continue the mortgage business if you wish. If I were in your shoes, I would spend my time and energy enjoying time with family. You will figure out other "things" to do along the way.

With a change in career, covid, and the loss of your father, you have experienced big changes. Take time to care for yourself, and your family. Relax and enjoy your blessings.

 

[yhoomajor]

Life has no purpose. You make what you want to make of it. In the end it doesn't matter.

 

[Aerides]

OP you have two teenagers.

In a hot minute, you will be barely visible in their rear view mirror as they leave for school and life. Between them and your mom, you should be quite busy for the next 3 years. You will miss this time after they are gone.

 

[Gumby]

My purpose in life has been to serve as a cautionary example for others. I feel I have succeeded.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

There is a lot of research on what makes people happy - pets, forest bathing, social connections, music, meditation, a gratitude journal, exercise, fresh air, being near water, simple pleasures, volunteering, healthy diet with the right gut bacteria, meditation, mindfulness, not being materialistic, being a part of a community, etc. Have you tried increasing any or all of those factors in your life? The number one factor according to the longest running study on happiness is social connections - The secret to happiness? Here’s some advice from the longest-running study on happiness - Harvard Health


We usually belong to several clubs with activities all month and then I also plan in a lot of day trips, concerts, play and hikes to pretty places so we always have events going on and events to look forward to. I think those are what have kept retirement fun for us, plus the good friends we've made from our different clubs.

 

[Out-to-Lunch]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[HarveyS]

OP you have two teenagers.

In a hot minute, you will be barely visible in their rear view mirror as they leave for school and life. Between them and your mom, you should be quite busy for the next 3 years. You will miss this time after they are gone.

+1000

 

[Sittler27]

So many thoughtful and introspective answers here. What a great community!
Here are some replies:

There are so many around us with serious health challenges, financial challenges, joblessness issues, etc that it makes us feel somewhat guilty when even for a second ,we start with the poor me business.

This is so so true, and I also feel shameful for some of my own poor me story.
Thanks for the tough love.
It's been a rough 9 months to be honest (wife's heart attack/catching COVID/dad's death) but it's nothing compared to what some endure daily and I should keep that in mind.

As we all know here, society gives us a script that defines our purpose from the start. You’ve torn up that script which requires you to craft a new one.

You mention your father taught you to work in service of earning and presumably more hard work. I think serving something is where we feel we have “purpose”. Religion and charity work for some. Seeking enlightenment or joy can also work for others. Solving problems big and small (cheap space travel/how to make a better bag clip), protecting nature or animals, making art…these are some ways I see others solving the problem.

I’m with you on this question. I have much less money than you but have begun thinking of ways I can deploy it for good. It’s a resource to be used, not just be held onto.

On the purpose side I’m starting to experiment. Yesterday I volunteered to guest speak in a university classroom. It was kind of fun but the dead faces made me wonder if I made any impact. Poor teachers! Today I’m hitting the road to rekindle my childhood love for camping and commune with nature, which always gives me a sense of connection and meaning.

Last, I just got the book Designing Your Life which I recommend. Some thought provoking ideas. I say start experimenting rather than spend energy dwelling.

This is quite inspirational - I think I'm just in a funk/depression right now but can see the light at the end of the tunnel to getting motivated and doing some experimenting with things.

Life has no purpose. You make what you want to make of it. In the end it doesn't matter.

At first glance, this seem quite depressing (especially given my Catholic background, albeit I'm not very religious); but, after thinking about it it is also quite liberating and does help. Thanks.

OP you have two teenagers.

In a hot minute, you will be barely visible in their rear view mirror as they leave for school and life. Between them and your mom, you should be quite busy for the next 3 years. You will miss this time after they are gone.

I know - sometimes hard to keep that in focus day to day - but I am quite aware of this fact. Matter of fact, it's already started in regards to them not wanting to spend time with me - but need to start planning some things together more than what COVID had allowed us to do (i.e. watch a lot of TV/movies).

There is a lot of research on what makes people happy - pets, forest bathing, social connections, music, meditation, a gratitude journal, exercise, fresh air, being near water, simple pleasures, volunteering, healthy diet with the right gut bacteria, meditation, mindfulness, not being materialistic, being a part of a community, etc. Have you tried increasing any or all of those factors in your life? The number one factor according to the longest running study on happiness is social connections - The secret to happiness? Here’s some advice from the longest-running study on happiness - Harvard Health


We usually belong to several clubs with activities all month and then I also plan in a lot of day trips, concerts, play and hikes to pretty places so we always have events going on and events to look forward to. I think those are what have kept retirement fun for us, plus the good friends we've made from our different clubs.

I'm not sure where I'd start with the clubs. I am quite an avid health nut though (nutritionally and working out daily), I try to see a local band at least once every couple weeks, and I am planning on restarting my mountain biking now that the weather is warming up.

I think for me, it's more about getting over the constant feeling that I need to work to earn, which was instilled me in throughout my life.
I need to find a way to be ok with how I don't need to work to earn because I'm already earning lots of passive income.

 

[skyking1]

Laziness, complacency, malaise.
I noticed you typed out those self-criticisms and the source of that may be what's tripping you up.
It's very hard to ditch that drive that you had in the corporate life.
Was there any particular task or accomplishment that you made when working that you found particularly satisfying in recent years?
Perhaps you can channel that into something that you find satisfying.
As an example, I enjoy making things. It doesn't really matter what it is as long as I'm creating or building or designing something.
I feel like you do when I let things get me down and I get away from my creative side.

 

[REWahoo]

I think for me, it's more about getting over the constant feeling that I need to work to earn, which was instilled me in throughout my life.
I need to find a way to be ok with how I don't need to work to earn because I'm already earning lots of passive income.

One of my most gratifying accomplishments in life was learning to "be" rather than "do".

 

[Koolau]

I think for me, it's more about getting over the constant feeling that I need to work to earn, which was instilled me in throughout my life.
I need to find a way to be ok with how I don't need to work to earn because I'm already earning lots of passive income.

My dad went through this for the remainder of his life after retirement. He held several fairly menial j*bs but enjoyed them. Each of us gets our life-fulfillment from different activities and different callings.

I guess you need to start with the fact that you don't need more money. From there, you'll have to go with your gut about what brings you fulfillment. Nothing wrong with taking a j*b in retirement. It's your life.

I just never had that problem. I adapted quickly to Life After Fire but YMMV.

 

[Koolau]

Life has no purpose. You make what you want to make of it. In the end it doesn't matter.

I guess we all have to decide whether life has purpose and what purpose that would be. As a minimum, I submit that most people consider their offspring as a source of purpose. Of course, not everyone has children. I think I would be depressed if I believed life had no purpose but I make no judgement about anyone else's belief on this subject so YMMV.

 

[Koolau]

My purpose in life has been to serve as a cautionary example for others. I feel I have succeeded.

And we really appreciate it!

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I am quite an avid health nut though (nutritionally and working out daily), I try to see a local band at least once every couple weeks, and I am planning on restarting my mountain biking now that the weather is warming up.

If you live in a populated area with mountains, there are likely mountain biking clubs. Our area has all sorts of clubs and meetup groups. Some that either our friends or we belong to include wine tasting, garden, photography, golf, dinners out, world event discussions, writing, astronomy, opera, boating, cooking, hiking, golf, camping, and gold panning. Many also do volunteer work. Sports like golf, pickle ball and bocce ball are big among retirees.

We usually go out to see bands or live theater 2 - 3 times a week, plus have club activities, go hiking, take day trips and visit with our friends and adult kids. You're rich - you can do something really fun every day of the week if you want to.

 

[Sittler27]

Laziness, complacency, malaise.
I noticed you typed out those self-criticisms and the source of that may be what's tripping you up.
It's very hard to ditch that drive that you had in the corporate life.
Was there any particular task or accomplishment that you made when working that you found particularly satisfying in recent years?
Perhaps you can channel that into something that you find satisfying.
As an example, I enjoy making things. It doesn't really matter what it is as long as I'm creating or building or designing something.
I feel like you do when I let things get me down and I get away from my creative side.

Quite insightful.

I do do things as hobbies that echo things I enjoyed at work, namely tinkering with measurements, settings, etc. to calibrate my home theater's audio and video.
One of the big things I enjoyed at work was just working with people and being part of something you build together. This is ironic as while I am outgoing, I am also quite an introvert, and thus joining clubs or groups isn't something I gravitate to. Something about the initial awkwardness of it all always turns me off. I prefer to meet people organically/naturally but I may need to get over that.

I agree about the creative side comment - I'm happier when I'm doing creative things.

One of my most gratifying accomplishments in life was learning to "be" rather than "do".

My dad went through this for the remainder of his life after retirement. He held several fairly menial j*bs but enjoyed them. Each of us gets our life-fulfillment from different activities and different callings.

I guess you need to start with the fact that you don't need more money. From there, you'll have to go with your gut about what brings you fulfillment. Nothing wrong with taking a j*b in retirement. It's your life.

I just never had that problem. I adapted quickly to Life After Fire but YMMV.

I don't think I am like your father - the work ethic that is instilled in me is purely thinking, but thus far has not been strong enough to motivate me to start working in my retirement.

I think I'm finally (after 2 years) starting to adapt to life after fire.

If you live in a populated area with mountains, there are likely mountain biking clubs. Our area has all sorts of clubs and meetup groups. Some that either our friends or we belong to include wine tasting, garden, photography, golf, dinners out, world event discussions, writing, astronomy, opera, boating, cooking, hiking, golf, camping, and gold panning. Many also do volunteer work. Sports like golf, pickle ball and bocce ball are big among retirees.

We usually go out to see bands or live theater 2 - 3 times a week, plus have club activities, go hiking, take day trips and visit with our friends and adult kids. You're rich - you can do something really fun every day of the week if you want to.

I don't live near mountains, but yes there are lots of clubs around (I'm near Toronto, so big city brings lots of options).

I guess day-to-day life is still mostly the same for me from when I was working (I worked at home a lot). The only difference of course is I'm not bound to the office and to my desk chair, but my kids are still in high school, require pickups/drives as they don't have their licenses yet.
Also, I usually drop in on my mother daily as she lives alone now in the same house (10 minute drive away) that she lived in with my father, so I spend an hour or two with her keeping her company or running errands with her.

All of this keeps me in "work" mode, and not full retirement mode in the sense that I feel I am free to just go do what I want at any point in time of the day - albeit, with some better time organization, I do have a lot of time still for my own stuff throughout the day.

I need to start planning some more biking activities and maybe cut out some time for getting back into learning music.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I guess day-to-day life is still mostly the same for me from when I was working (I worked at home a lot). The only difference of course is I'm not bound to the office and to my desk chair, but my kids are still in high school, require pickups/drives as they don't have their licenses yet.
Also, I usually drop in on my mother daily as she lives alone now in the same house (10 minute drive away) that she lived in with my father, so I spend an hour or two with her keeping her company or running errands with her.

All of this keeps me in "work" mode, and not full retirement mode in the sense that I feel I am free to just go do what I want at any point in time of the day - albeit, with some better time organization, I do have a lot of time still for my own stuff throughout the day.

I need to start planning some more biking activities and maybe cut out some time for getting back into learning music.

It sounds like your kids will be driving before too long and for us that really freed up a lot of time. Or even when some of their friends started driving the other moms would pay those kids to do the car pools. Until then spending time with your mom and kids seems like a great use of your ER free time! Our kids are grown up now and live in different cities so we really look forward to the times when we do get together.

We find it pretty easy to putter the day away unless we plan chores and fun activities out ahead of time and put those in the the weekly planner. I like having the activities planned out in the calendar because then we always have fun things to look forward to. The anticipation is part of the fun - Anticipation Is Part of Being a Fan, and That’s a Good Thing | Psychology Today (Counting the days until the next live concert can produce months of anticipation, with every day crossed off on the calendar bringing another burst of dopamine. )

 

[punkinhead]

I'm the opposite - I hate planning. Having things on the calendar fills me with dread because they put restrictions on my time even if I'm the one who put them there. I retired specifically so that I can be spontaneous and do whatever I want each day. For example, last Sunday morning I woke up and the forecast at home was rain for the next few days. I checked other places in an 8 hour radius and found it would be nice in eastern Tennessee so I loaded a motorcycle in the back of my truck, drove there, and got a cabin. I spent Sunday afternoon, Monday, and yesterday riding beautiful mountain roads. The forecast here today is rain so I'll load up and head towards home, maybe stopping for a day or two somewhere along the way. I'd be unhappy if something on a calendar got in the way of my spontaneity.