Social dilemma-acquaintance with dementia

[Sue J]

I was an usher at a summer concert venue for many years. There was another usher that I often worked with. One summer I kept seeing her name on the email telling us what concert we were scheduled to work but she was never scheduled like the rest of us. I asked a supervisor about her. I thought maybe she was out for a surgery or traveling or something. They told me her doctor had told her she had signs of cognitive impairment. Is that a nice way of saying you have dementia? So they hired her for the summer and then never scheduled her to work. I thought it was strange but maybe it was the kind way to handle it. We were work friends but never more than that.

 

[EastWest Gal]

One of the must useful things is that the band manager lives across the street from one of her former work friends, so there are other layers of contact I can go to.

 

[RetireeRobert]

I have no desire to bring her to rehearsal at all. We were never friends. She treated me inappropriately for years. I now know it was the beginning of the dementia. I want to support people with dementia, but this is not a person in my inner circle. What would you do?

You are to be commended for your great compassion for a struggling human being. You are a very kind person.

But you have done way more than your share to help this person. Further efforts will begin impairing your desired activities, and hence will begin degrading the quality of your own life--undeservedly.

Since you say you were "never friends" with this woman, and she was "never in your inner circle". You are entirely entitled to ghost her. Do not answer her calls. Leave it to others to deal with whatever situation occurs with this woman and the band. You need feel no guilt at all about ghosting her at this point. You have done far more than your share, simply for being a bandmate with this person.

 

[Chuckanut]

Isn't it her family's job to do the dirty work?

 

[Katsmeow]

I think option 2 is the best one you suggested. FWIW, if she does contact you again I think I would just tell her if she asks for a ride that you can't give her a ride. If she asks why not just say that you have other errands to run and just can't do it. This is not a personal friend or relative. You have no obligation to continue providing rides regardless of anything else.

 

[ER Eddie]

If she were a good friend of mine, I would talk to her directly about it. I had to do that in a work setting once. Not fun.

But since you describe her as an acquaintance, not a close friend, then I would take it to band leadership. I wouldn't do it the way you phrased it, though ("to tell her to not come back"). I'd just describe the symptoms of cognitive decline you have seen, and I'd leave it up to the band director how to handle the situation. There may be other options, I don't know.

I'd avoid mentioning her specific diagnosis. I feel like that is private information, which she might not want me to share. I would describe the cognitive decline in detail, though.

 

[Aerides]

When you take it to band leadership, I think it's helpful if you use specific language to define your relationship as having been purely transactional, without getting personal. They may want to treat you as friends and as more than you are:

You were a temporary taxi/lift service
Your responsibilities to her were simply transportation
Any further discussions on her needs or other accommodations should be addressed with her directly, and/or her family, as you can no longer provide services to her or act on her behalf in any capacity

Stick to that. Keep it business. Don't say things to the band (I'm sure you're not planning to) about your level or friendship or lack thereof. Don't give any oxygen to ideas that it's a matter of two women not getting along or having a falling out, as gossips will definitely try. Get your seat re-assigned in the section so it's not on you to point out where she should be on the page, and offer no assistance other than to call the section lead or band lead over if asked to help her. Treat this like a business arrangement that's ended, plain and simple.

 

[Amethyst]

For people to think that OP is somehow "not getting along" with the demented woman, only shows they have no idea what dementia really is. Dementia robs a person of their personhood. You could be the smartest person in the world, yet without your old memories and the ability to form new ones, your intellect has nothing to work with. With every passing week, there is literally less and less "person" to "get along with." And trying to spare such a person's feelings isn't too useful, either, as they cannot remember your efforts.

 

[EastWest Gal]

When you take it to band leadership, I think it's helpful if you use specific language to define your relationship as having been purely transactional, without getting personal. They may want to treat you as friends and as more than you are:

You were a temporary taxi/lift service
Your responsibilities to her were simply transportation
Any further discussions on her needs or other accommodations should be addressed with her directly, and/or her family, as you can no longer provide services to her or act on her behalf in any capacity

Stick to that. Keep it business. Don't say things to the band (I'm sure you're not planning to) about your level or friendship or lack thereof. Don't give any oxygen to ideas that it's a matter of two women not getting along or having a falling out, as gossips will definitely try. Get your seat re-assigned in the section so it's not on you to point out where she should be on the page, and offer no assistance other than to call the section lead or band lead over if asked to help her. Treat this like a business arrangement that's ended, plain and simple.

She has had strange behavior for years, and we all know it. We all know she can't really play any more. I'm sure it's much worse almost a year and a half later.

This is a community band, a social outlet, and is never strictly business. I will call her today and say I can no longer drive her and if she has questions she can call the band manager. She'll handle it from there.

 

[Maidensong]

Since she is in assisted living the band leadership should talk with the facility's social worker to have the information given to her about being removed from the band. You have been more than generous over the years. It is time to have others handle this.

This. There are people who are trained to deal with people who are suffering from cognitive disorders and it's really not your load to carry. How generous you have been, but it is time to hand over the baton to the next runner.

This situation reminds me of a 94 year old we had singing in our choir pre-covid. She always needed help knowing where we were starting or hearing what the director had said, but she enjoyed singing, wasn't really loud enough for anyone to hear if she was a bit off, and it gave her daughter a respite for her to sit beside me for a couple of hours. Once we started back up again, the year off had not been kind and she was more lost, but did manage to sing with us for last Christmas. She has since passed, but music always meant something to her.

Perhaps the facility where your friend is staying can help her by providing band music for her to listen to...It might help fill the void.

 

[jayanu]

My dad is suffering from mid-stage dementia, so I have a lot of sympathy for people who are cursed with this awful, life-destroying malady.

Having said that, I think the burden of dealing with this situation falls entirely on the poor woman's family and closest friends, and even more clearly on the band leader/director. Option 2 is basically how I would handle it.

+1, I concur

 

[EastWest Gal]

It seems resolved. If she calls, I don't answer. I call back 2 days later and she has no clue why I called. Her family is dealing with it appropriately. Her ex-husband is helping out, along with mother and a stable son. Her daughter is a problem. Not my problem. No need to continue this thread, actually.

 

[ivinsfan]

It seems resolved. If she calls, I don't answer. I call back 2 days later and she has no clue why I called. Her family is dealing with it appropriately. Her ex-husband is helping out, along with mother and a stable son. Her daughter is a problem. Not my problem. No need to continue this thread, actually.

Sad for everyone isn't it? Glad it was resolved on your end...