What is the craziest stunt you've ever pulled?
Sober? Work-related? Selling the ship's brow banner.
Yeah, I know. Those crazy wild-eyed hard-partyin' submarine nukes. But it was a symptom of job-related stress imposed by a CO's outsized ego.
For a time in early 1990s Pearl Harbor it became a fad for the submarines to compete amongst themselves to display the snazziest brow banner. (The, um, banner that's tied onto the submarine's ah, brow, to identify which particular submarine is tied up to the pier, because they all look alike. The standard-issue naugahyde banner usually says something classy like "USS NEW YORK CITY SSN 696".) The Cold War was over so, instead of beating up on the Russians, we hypercompetitive submariners had resorted to beating up on each other. I was the Weapons Officer, and it came to my CO's attention that I was responsible for acquiring a custom-made brow banner. Anything else was a distraction. Explosive safety, combat systems readiness, training, personnel advancements, department leadership, liberty, and a number of other unimportant concerns were kicked to the curb in order to obtain the ultimate vanity brow banner.
It wasn't as expensive or as painful as getting a custom paint job on a Harley-Davidson, but it involved a number of the same business personalities. We were using the CO's stash (of command funds) so in his opinion cost was no object. He thought that white canvas would be unique. (He was right-- there's a reason no submarine before or since has ever used white canvas.) He wanted a Technicolor airbrush scene of NYC's skyline and the ship's insignia along with the usual identifying info. So we came up with some photos, found an airbrush shop, and got started. The CO [-]interfered[/-] offered a number of helpful suggestions, so for a couple weeks I turned into a highly-paid brow-banner courier. Many downtown trips later we had the &^*#'in' brow banner ziptied to the brow. I thought I was done with it and was ready to refocus on higher priorities.
Oh no. First the brow banner was getting dirty (in an industrial harbor?!?), necessitating frequent cleanings. Then it needed a few airbrush enhancements. Then the grommets weren't riveted in tightly enough. Then it was stretched out of shape. Then… you get the idea. Every time he'd cross the brow he'd "notice" something new. It was a difficult working relationship since the CO had a reputation as a detail-oriented micromanaging martinet with several intolerant racial/lifestyle prejudices and quite the foul vocabulary. He was also known for his somewhat good ol' country redneck tastes, too, so his idea of "classy" became a source of waterfront amusement and shipwide embarrassment. I saw it at the deckplates ("Sir, how much longer is he gonna make us suffer? Can't you do some of that officer leadership stuff and talk with him!?") but I wasn't aware that it was also generating some resentment at the rarefied O-6 and flag officer levels.
Fast-forward a few weeks to the annual Navy Relief Society charity silent auction. All the ships' wardrooms were expected to pile into the base auditorium and bid on each other's crap during an evening of camaraderie and professional fundraising rivalry. (We were all getting paid $10K/year bonuses and we were expected to put them to good use. It's for charity!) The event was on a Friday night but it was for charity so it was OK to cancel wardroom leave & liberty. Being the senior watch officer, I had craftily given myself the ship's duty so I had a legitimate reason not to attend. Everybody else marched off for mandatory auction fun.
An hour later I got a frantic call from the topside watch requesting permission to load his firearm. (For safety reasons, submarine sentries were not allowed to load their .45 caliber automatics.) He was confronting an aggressive guy in civilian attire who turned out to be the XO of another submarine. Said XO, with perhaps a frosty beverage or two affecting his cognitive processes, thought it would be hilarious to donate our brow banner to the Navy Relief auction for our XO to sell. He had just been "discussing" it with our skeptical topside watch, who objected and deferred to higher authority-- me. I hadn't heard of this plan, but if it involved getting rid of the &^*#'in' brow banner then I was delighted to help!
The bemused topside watch helped us clip off the zip ties and away the banner went. Smugly satisfied at having simultaneously solved several problems, I adjourned to my stateroom to catch [-]a nap[/-] up on important department head business. Less than an hour later I (and the rest of the duty crew) heard the CO's command voice on the ship's announcing system: "#$%^ing Weapons Officer muster #$%^ing topside with the #$%^ing Commanding Officer #$%^ing ASAP." Ooops.
It turned out that the other XO had made a presentation at the auction without consulting our XO: "Ladies and gentlemen, next up for bid-- the NYC vanity brow banner!!" Huge crowd response, much hilarity and good-natured jibing. Our CO tried to buy it back but the admiral and the commodores, heartily tired of the stories they'd been hearing for the last few months, kept bidding him up. (Hey, it was for charity!) The CO, determined not to see his brow banner mounted on someone's office wall, finally won it back at $200. But then he had to make the long walk up to the stage to collect his merchandise. Having imbibed a few frosty beverages of his own, by the time he returned to the boat to discuss my initiative he'd worked up a pretty good hissy fit.
XO lectured me at length on my professionalism (or lack thereof) and the importance of supporting the chain of command and the boat's image. But I could tell that he was pissed at not having thought of this gag before his XO buddy.
I paid the CO back. It was worth every penny just for the story, but as an unexpected bonus we never heard any fuss about vanity brow banners ever again. If I'd known that I could have purchased that peace of mind for just $200 then the department would have taken up a collection…