children

[Sheryl]

My mother frequently told me as I was growing up that she wished she'd never had kids, and that she felt like she missed out on the chance to have a "real" life. Yet I never doubted that she loved me and would give up her life for me, and even worse, that I was the center of her universe.

She felt that women in the '50's were all expected to be mothers and have children. I was happy that I did not have that burden placed on me.

I just didn't (don't) want to be a mother. Yes, its a wonderful glorious thing, and you'll always be happy you have your child, etc. I'm just glad I don't and not interested in that role.

It's really a case of different strokes for different folks, and respecting each individual's choices. Just like that other thread.

 

[Maximillion]

Sheryl, exactly, no one needs defend their decisions, although as a Child I can frequently remember people asking my parents why they had 10 Children.(We were Catholic Irish).

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

I plan to teach my son The benefits of Random capitalization.

He's been a joy To both of us, so its the Least I can do to give a little Something back to him.

 

[haha]

When I was young and struggling financially I thought like some of you, "Hey, I can't afford to have kids." Then I met a guy that I would go spearfishing with who was an outboard mechanic for a rental outfit in this village where we lived. He had 12 kids, by 3 women.

I decided if this moron can have 12 kids, I can have as many as I damn well please.

I wound up with 2, but would have preferred 2 more. My wife said no, it hurts too damn much where you don't like to be hurt.

An observation- any man without kids is a cuckold- in that in the US anyway, you are paying in various ways for other men’s kids. Of course you pay less than you would having your own, but then you are also out of the gene pool.

Ha

 

[brewer12345]

Wow, I would never begrudge any of you your choice in this matter, but I have to say that I am surprised how negatively/neutral most of the posters on this thread view having kids. My daughter is an absolute joy to DW and I. I can't imagine life without her. Coming home and seeing her is the highlight of my day. Yeah, I could retire sooner if we didn;t have kids, but what would the point be?

Different strokes, but I can't imagine having things any other way.

 

[Toejam]

Here's an interesting article about children from both perspectives:

http://www.moneycentral.com/content/CollegeandFamily/Raisekids/P144966.asp

Some studies cited in the article indicate that people with children are no more or less happy than people without children, but that parents seem to have a higher rate of depression than those without kids.  As can be expected, Ms. Dunleavy was criticized by some parents for even considering children financial "investments".

 

 

[gia6898]

I don't know why, but I continue to be surprised when people talk about how everyone who has kids loves them.  It is such a prevalent misconception, but it makes no sense to me.  I wonder how many foster children these people have encountered.  I'm not just talking about children born to crackheads, I'm talking about children being abused in a range of families.  Those in foster homes are the most severe cases.  However, there are children all over the country being abused and neglected by parents who don't give a crap about them.

I've read several books about women making this decision, pick up any one of them and you will see examples of women who regret becoming mothers.  I especially recommend Beyond Motherhood: Choosing a Life Without Children.  I think it would benefit men as well as women who are questioning their desire to have children.  When Ann Landers did her survery in 1975 asking couples whether or not they would have children again if they could do it over again, 70% said NO.  People question the scientific validity of this survey.  That's fine.  However, no one can dispute the fact that 7000 people took the time to write in and say they regretted it.  Dr. Phil did a show last year where three women came on and talked about how they pretty much couldn't stand their kids.

I actually made a list of the pros and cons of having children.  Sounds crazy, I know, it was suggested in the book I recommended.  My list of cons was about 5 times as long as the pros.  I view having a child as being equivalent to living and caring for a complete stranger for 18 years.  You get to know them a bit along the way.  But you essentially have to accept and love, without expectations some person who will have a personality you have no way of predicting.  I am very picky about the people I choose to spend my time with.  Also, I can barely stand to live with another adult, I definitely don't want to be with a growing child 24x7.           
       

 

[Calgary_Girl]

Dr. Phil did a show last year where three women came on and talked about how they pretty much couldn't stand their kids. 
       

On the flip side, Oprah had a show a couple of years ago where women in executive positions regretted putting their careers first since by the time they wanted children, it was too late. My point is that there's another side to every story. I'm sure that for every woman who's regretted having children, there's another woman out there who wishes she could have children or hadn't waited so long.

 

[gia6898]

On the flip side, Oprah had a show a couple of years ago where women in executive positions regretted putting their careers first since by the time they wanted children, it was too late.  My point is that there's another side to every story.  I'm sure that for every woman who's regretted having children, there's another woman out there who wishes she could have children or hadn't waited so long.

The difference is these women will always have the option to adopt. However, women who have kids, can't just send the kid back to the factory. It's a life sentence. I would much rather regret not have kids, than regret having them. That's just me.

 

[Nords]

But you essentially have to accept and love, without expectations some person who will have a personality you have no way of predicting.

Oh, the parent's personalities go a long way toward predicting the kid's personality.

But somehow we end up loving them anyway. I suspect it's hormones & brain chemistry at first, because it's sure not intelligence or logic...

 

[AV8]

There is a lot of passion in this "Hi, I am..." thread.    I don't think anyone is going to convince anyone else that they have made the wrong choice.  Nor do I think anyone is trying to do so.  I'm not out to change anyones minds either, but I'll add my positive thought to raising children...

My house is total chaos all of the time.  With a 5, 3 and 1 year old we are constantly moving.  Trying to get the 3-year old to wear something other than shorts and tee-shirt when it's 50 degrees outside and blowing 15 knots ("I won't get cold!").  Making sure the youngest doesn't fall down on the tile and hurt himself (he's been walking for a week).  Trying for the millionth time to teach sharing.  Handling the inevitable colds and flu bugs that come with that petri dish they call school.  Trying to tell my 3-yr old to stop trying to fly from the couch to the chair while wearing the cape on his shoulders and wielding the toy sword.  Helping my daughter play dress-up and set up her tea set (who'd of thought I'd be doing that!).  

Then there was 2AM this morning when the oldest woke me up to remind me that I didn't give her the Cambells soup I promised her for lunch..."you ate at your friends house"..."Oh, right"..."Go to bed"..."Okay"...

But its a funny thing.  On the occasion when I come home to an empty house it is so uncomfortably quiet.  I so much prefer the yells of "DADDY!!!" as I approach the door and enter the chaotic realm.  I watch the oldest read and I'm uterly amazed at how well she does for a 5 year old.  I watched the youngest walk for the first time last week.  And the three year old...well, as he's flying through the air to land on the couch (again) and I start punishing him for doing it I'm saying to myself "wow, he can really jump!"   I obviously wouldn't trade them for anything.  And as Maximillion said "Renting" your friends/relatives kids for a week is definitely not the same thing.  

Financially they are expensive, but I'm not altogether convinced that it is "my life costs this much, but if I had kids...Wow would that be expensive!"  I'd just have more (costly) hobbies and things to keep me entertained.  So would DW.  I know we'd travel more, etc.  We still plan to RE.  Maybe a few years later than a couple in our shoes that didn't have kids, but that's the type of choice that everyone makes along the way.

Kids to me are not about "the experience" as if they are something to check off a list of things to do.  They are about life and living and are absolutely fantastic (to DW and I at least).  If somebody makes the decision to forego having children then that is their choice, but I'd never go back.

Oh, and if you are being told that 35 is supposed to be a magical cut off point for not having children don't tell my wife.  She'd go ballistic.

AV8

 

[LRS]

I hear you about the chaos. There are days when I think I'm either going deaf or cracking up or both. Then there are the days when both kids are out of the house (more frequently now that they are ages 12 and 17), and I think how much I'll hate it when the they are grown and gone. They have become such terrific people--not strangers, by the way, but individuals.

People who are wise enough to know they do not have the temperament for child-rearing should exercise their right to remain child-free. A no-brainer, in my opinion.

But about that Ann Landers survey from the "70s ... I remember my dad, of all people reading it, and saying "I love my kids and I don't regret a single moment I spent with them." This after yelling at me and my sibs for the duration of my childhood. Who knew?

 

[Maximillion]

My Youngest Son was about 7, I opened up my Attache Case on the plane, there in Dymo tape he had printed "Have a safe flight Daddy".

That tape is still there.

 

[Outtahere]

People who are wise enough to know they do not have the temperament for child-rearing should exercise their right to remain child-free. A no-brainer, in my opinion.

That's exactly the way it should be. I knew from the time I was a kid that I didn't want children, I don't know why, it was something I just knew. I definately don't have the temperment or desire.

 

[Sheryl]

That's exactly the way it should be.  I knew from the time I was a kid that I didn't want children, I don't know why, it was something I just knew.  I definately don't have the temperment or desire.

Same here. It's all about the "road not taken" discussion. Make a decsion, embrace it, and move on. You can second guess forever but it's a pointless endeavor.

Once you've got a kid or kids, you've got 'em, you're a Mommy - so love them like crazy and be the best mommy you can be.

Gia brought up all the abused and abandoned kids our there - with parents that obviously shouldn't have been parents. The real problem in that situation is that those "parents" were to stupid, uninformed or psychopathic to even consider childbearing a conscious decision, much less to make a different decision.

JMHO.

 

[yakers]

I hear you about the chaos. There are days when I think I'm either going deaf or cracking up or both.

Younger son is a Mohawk haired rock drummer. Maybe some hearing loss by other than aging on my part and a few dead grey cells but I wouldn't have  it any other way.

 

[Jarhead*]

But about that Ann Landers survey from the "70s ... I remember my dad, of all people reading it, and saying "I love my kids and I don't regret a single moment I spent with them." This after yelling at me and my sibs for the duration of my childhood. Who knew?

I don't either, but not sure that (at least in my case) it would be representative of the current climate re: raising children.

My wife was a stay at home mother. My job (in the mid sixties) was to "bring home the bacon".

My wife had the "easy" job. (Eye roll).

I don't think I changed their diapers, (maybe 3 times, when I couldn't locate Mrs. Jarhead).

I was always their "hero", that showed up to take them fishing, and generally to get them away from "mean mom".

Have no idea what raising children are with both husband and wife with outside jobs, but I'm sure the husband is more involved in "process" than I was. 8)

 

[Jay_Gatsby]

No grandkids yet.  Our son is 31 and just broke up with his girlfriend after 2.5 years.  No near term prospects there.  Our daughter (28) works in the theater ("forget it dad, all the unmarried men I meet are gay!").  Raising kids was  both the most difficult and the most rewarding thing we have ever done.  I have to bite my tongue to keep from reminding my son that he is the only male on my father's side of the family who can carry on the family name. 

Grumpy,

Don't worry too much about your son. One would think a 31-year old might have his head on straight at that age, but it's been my personal experience that is typically NOT the case. It's comfortable to be in a relationship, but when you are forced to think about the next step (marriage), you often question very seriously whether the person you're currently dating is someone with whom you WANT to spend the rest of your life. Fortunately, a breakup at that point is often followed by a relationship within six months to a year that often blossoms into marriage. Put differently, the early-30s breakup is often a watershed moment -- deciding on what you DON'T want, and the almost immediate development of a laser-like focus on finding what you DO want.

As for your daughter, I'd be concerned once she passes 30 years old, since it's been my experience that such age is often a panic point.

 

[laurence]

Some of you know the challenges I've faced with my daughter, 18 months old now. Down Syndrome, heart defect, 911 calls, etc. Just this morning the eye doctor told me she may need surgery to correct wandering eyes/ weak eye muscles, but that we were going to work to avoid it. It's been tough. Despite all that, I wouldn't trade her for the world. I've experienced the greatest joy in this past 1.5 years. She is the love of my life. I always knew I wanted kids though, so I don't know what to say to those of you who are on the fence.

 

[Maximillion]

jarhead, my edxperiance is almost identical to yours, the only differance is that my wife returned to work after 8 years and for a few years we had a German Hause Frau to watch the kids until one of us got back.

The Canadian Government recognises the contributions of stay at home Mothers and allows them to claim up to 8 years of Social Security for the time they stayed home.

Laurence, our community is active in Special Olympics, amazing what those kids can do and the sports manship they exhibit.

A recent movie was made about a non challenged individual pretending to be so he could compete in the SO, I thought it was the worst example of bad taste.

 

[eridanus]

A recent movie was made about a non challenged individual pretending to be so he could compete in the SO, I thought it was the worst example of bad taste.

The Special Olympics didn't think so. They assisted in the movie's creation.

 

[Cool Dood]

The Special Olympics didn't think so. They assisted in the movie's creation.

Ah, but I'm sure Maximillion knows better than they do.....

 

[Maximillion]

Why?

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Because you're a jerk.

 

[laurence]

I heard a brief blurb on this movie, they sent around literature to all the Down Syndrome support groups (including mine) talking about how they consulted on it, not disrespecting, blah blah.  We all just shrugged our shoulders.  The bad old days of DS kids and adults being shunned and made fun of seem to be behind us, all the parents we talk to say their kids are doing quite well, mainstreamed in regular schools, they have friends both with and w/o DS, and as they become adults, they get jobs, move out, heck, lots of parents could only hope for so much!  

This is not to in any way gloss over the challenges and difficulties, but things are better than they were.  We can't get out of the store or resturant without a small crowd, everyone saying things like, "my sister/cousin/uncle/neighbor has DS and he/she is the most wonderful person!" and share a personal story.