Stuck newbie

[astromeria]

Road--I didn't get very far with the hubster on LBYM and saving a lot to FIRE until I stopped the discussions and gave him "The Millionaire Next Door" to read. Hearing it from a dispassionate author(ity) helped him cut through the emotions (my wife is depriving me of the things I love and the way I live!) to just see the facts, including the fact that a lot of people have stepped off (or never gotten aboard) the hamster wheel and are having more fun than us!

The funny thing about ratcheting down the expenses is that we actually ended up living better and feeling much more happy and relaxed while semi-retiring at 52 (and I retired fully at 55). Now he's the more frugal one

Good luck.

 

[resue04]

I advise NOT having a custom home built at this time. It would be very stressful on an "already stressed" marriage. My husband is a builder and we see it happen. You and your wife will not agree on many items, there will be delays & changes - you don't need this right now. Sell the McMansion, find a wonderfully charming but smaller home and allow a decent budget to decorate & landscape & take a special vacation. Think about having a new home built later on.

Your wife is a little nervous about the changes right now - but you seem like a thoughtful guy. I am betting it will work out great for both of you.

 

[AFloat]

Is it me or is this just a crazy, stressful field?

RoadAhead -
IT's an extremly stressful field. I used to love programming and system development but at some point it turned on me and became a monster that I couldn't control. I made a good living but I had to get out to salvage my life. Once your out you'll never go back. I've been RE for 7 months now and can not imagine going back to IT. There's too much else in life.

 

[foxhuntr]

I guess I need to chime in.  My wife and I lived in a nice big place with a swimming pool in San Jose and a $350K mortgage.  I was employed in high tech.  I was laid off in 2001, and immediately put the house on the market and started looking for work.  Because this was in the middle of the tech crash, the house took 9 months to sell and I was still out of work.

When the house finally sold, we decided to move to a small town in another part of CA where we could buy a small (1900 sq. ft.) house with the equity from the SJ house.  Two days after we moved in, I got a job offer from a small food company nearby at about 40% of my high tech salary and went to work.  4 years later and we couldn't be happier.  No stress, no bills, love the small town, the job is fun, love the neighborhood, etc. etc.

Best thing that ever happened to me.  Sorry I can't claim credit for it!

 

[LOL!]

On the 3rd party help, there is mention of "Triangulation" in an article partly on emotional barriers about money:
http://www.fpanet.org/journal/articles/2006_Issues/jfp0806-art7.cfm

When two people are uncomfortable with each other, they "triangle" a third to decrease tension. The third party may be another family member, a friend, or even the financial advisor, who could end up being blamed if something goes wrong.

 

[spideyrdpd]

I would spend a few days doing the open house and looking at model homes. I am sure the kid is just echoing what her mom says. I think most people hate change. Even if its going to be an improvement in the long run many people dont want to upset the status quo.
I would also look for other things that can bring her over the the dark side (err your side) . Try to find an area that might be closer to her family. Ok that might be a big negative but you get the idea.

PS when I hear you guys talk I am glad I didnt pick my other college choice > computers . Although I think I would of been good at it.

 

[Scrooge]

IT's an extremly stressful field. I used to love programming and system development but at some point it turned on me and became a monster that I couldn't control. I made a good living but I had to get out to salvage my life.

As a roving IT consultant for the last (almost) 20 years, I have seen all kinds of IT places. Some are very intense to the point where working 100+ hours/week is not unheard of. Been there, done that, got the ER discharge slip. Others are as slow and bureaucratic as any other big business/government department that I have seen. And then there are all kinds of oddball little places, often run by one or two people with no CS background.

It can be rough sometimes, but at least I have enough stories to last me the rest of my life

 

[Under FIRE]

Road,

I hope you're progressing well in your fledgling lifestyle blueprint since your last post.

Yup, spousal (... and to a lesser extent offspring) buy-in are crucial to the sustainability of any structural shifts in your lifestyle. The disconnects I noticed here include a dichotomy of life philosophies (LBYM, true happiness, ... the works); spousal lack(?) of awareness of your not-so-silent cry to end your job-related sufferings; and divergent views on what really matters in life and marriage and family.

Before you talk downsizing, decompressing, de-cluttering and such, you need to pin-down the fact that: at the current life-work trajectory, you'll either drop dead within 12 mths or, if you're still alive beyond the 12 mths, you'll be forced to take drastic measures to either keep (work harder and harder  ) or get rid  (work hard to sell in a rapidly souring RE market) of the 5,000 sq ft money pit.

Your DW need to fully and rationally comprehend the life (and death) options in hand. Once the point gets across, your house (and all the trimmings) is just a minor detail.

Go search my "Hi, I am ..." post. I was CEO of two subsidiaries of a huge Telco MegaCorp. I came home drained after yet another 16 hour day and was a virtual rat race zombie wired to say/do/act/think the MegaCorp's way 24/7. No amount of cash and perks will compensate for a lost soul !  Sorry MegaCorp (....or IT Consultancy or whatever), my life's not for sale. I refuse to be unhappy and to see my life sucked from me for the sake of a 5,000 sq ft McM and (.... list all the clutter beyond whats in your bedroom and basic kitchen utensils).

In my case, upon getting "it," my DW metamorphosed from a prolific clutter-collecting enterprise to a top-notch advocate of LBYM and intelligent spending. My 7 yr old son is proving to be a masterful LBYM advocate himself. No tantrums at Toys-R-Us with this kid, LOL ! Anyway, DW's regular prodding for me to end the w*rk-induced sufferings played a big part in my pulling the plug literally cold turkey. One of the best decisions I've had to make. 

We may not be able to splurge on new toys and trinkets with previous impunity, but I'm home and free and am using my emancipation to enjoy our own simple life's pursuits.

The bottom-line, don't make the 5,000 sq ft plaster edifice the issue of contention. Stress on your need to stop doing something you hate that are  now affecting your health. The McM disposal and downsizing and de-cluttering are just the necessary elements in your bigger goal of maintaining your sanity and staying alive.

Good luck.


   

 

[Batyaboo]

Wow, Underfire,
I can totally relate. Not to the fancy lifestyle. But to the fact that for so many years I "sold my soul" to selling software for an international IT company. i worked so hard and by the time I got home in the evening I had no energy left for my kids.
I recently quit my job because I really do feel that there is much more to life than working my life away for some NASDAQ traded company to show better results. I can't tell you how free I feel. Even though I have a VERY simple lifestyle and can't afford anything right now. I had to give back my company car, laptop and phone. It wasn't easy, but it was as though I belonged to my company. Ewww.
It's nice to be free. If I were used to a fancy lifestyle I would never be truly free.

Dena


Moderator Edit: Deleted web address

 

[TromboneAl]

RoadAhead,

If you can manage it, this would be a good time to have a very mild heart attack.

 

[My Dream]

I guess we'll never know how RoadAhead43 made out. His last post was July 30, 2006, 11:23:06 AM , I wish him and his family luck. They may need it.

 

[jclarksnakes]

RoadAhead,

If you can manage it, this would be a good time to have a very mild heart attack.

Al,
...You keep me laughing.
Thanks,
jc

 

[swathi]

Choosing a right Divorce lawyer

you want to come out of a divorce with something more than the shirt on your back and ideally, with something closer to an equitable distribution of property, and other real assets are nice, too.......

[MODERATOR EDIT]

 

[Jeff55]

Jeff,
As I read your entry, it very much reminded me of where I was at 20 years ago. I was a very well paid, well educated health care professional, pretty much hating every work day. I wanted to get out of my line of work, but my training was so specialized, it did not "transfer" well to other career paths. So, I worked even harder and longer to try to amass enough money to retire. That caused even more stress and unhappiness.
Result: Mononucleosis for about a year, and a severe bout of depression. I also had the big house, etc.
What I learned: Happiness is more important than chasing the dream. I have not yet been able to separate myself from my job, but since I am self employed, I began experimenting with a reduced work week, i.e. 3 -4 days a week MAX...NO more than that. I took up fly fishing and oil painting. I literally started to not only smell the roses, but prune them, and enjoy them, etc. We moved to a less expensive area, and downsized from 3,500 to 2,300. Guess what? We didn't lose any self-esteem in doing so. Also, less windows to wash!
I could retire soon, so I hate my job less than ever, knowing that I can thumb my nose at it in 3-5 years (and possibly even sooner). I have a lovely supportive wife who supports all of this. This year, for the first time in many years, we decided to live in a budget to see how little we can live on. Even though I make over $300,000 a year, we rent movies rather than go to the theater. We limit restaurant meals to twice a month. We have stopped giving gifts to each other (who need them?), except for nice cards and expressions of love, of course. We shop at Target instead of Macy's. I love it! Bottom line: We need less than we think. Best of luck.