Age-asymmetrical marriage: How to handle people's curiosity

[Rick_Head]

I'm a full 18 months older than DW. She has some health issues and looks about 20 years older than her age. I (of course) am the emblem of a healthy ER and look about 17.

OK, it isn't that bad, but why would we care what others think? Our friends and family know she isn't a cradle robber and I'm not a (male) gold digger so WTFC?

 

[purplesky]

My husband is a lot older than I am. He is my second husband, and eminently the better of the two. We have been married longer than almost anyone I know...some of the people who said it wouldn't last, are now dead My family and friends never cared about the age difference.

Still, I'm well aware that people are curious when they see any couple with a noticeable "difference" (race, age, what have you). Most people don't say anything. Lately, though, I have been getting an increasing number of remarks and questions from virtual strangers.

To me: "So you're father and daughter, right?" "No, we're married."

Embarrassed silence from the other party, as if they've just uncovered some dirty secret! This just frosts me. I feel like saying, "So, are you reporting us to the Age Gestapo?"

And then, some people - old men, especially - don't want to leave the subject alone. "Really! Are you using Botox?" As if they think I am really my husband's age, and just had some work done! That frosts me even more!

So, I want to nip the subject in the bud without a fuss. I can see the humor in the situation, and I've tried using humor to defuse it. However, I resent having to do this, because these people don't deserve it. Our ages, and even our relationship status, are truly nobody's business, except at the doctor's office. At the same time, I don't want to get all hissy and "that's none of your business," which could make me sound defensive.

Any ideas? This group is usually so good at coming up with comebacks!

This just goes with the territory. I think if you step back and try and understand how others perceive your noticeable age difference its just natural for people to be curious.

I know its easy for me to say. But if I married someone thats 10 to 15 years older or younger I would expect some strange reactions from some people.

 

[redduck]

Exactly. We are adults; we know how to introduce ourselves. A couple's introduction will tell you how they are coupled. "Hi, I'm Sam and this is my brother, George." (You don't go up to them and say, "Hey, are you guys gay?")

I guess Sam saying, "Hi, I'm Sam and this is my brother, George. We're both gay" just encourages more rude questions--or maybe it opens the door to a very interesting conversation.

 

[MooreBonds]

You can ask "is/are they your handsome boy(s)/beautiful girl(s)?" It's a friendly compliment that assumes nothing.

If a male stranger said that my child was a "handsome boy" or "beautiful girl", I'd definitely be wary, and likely the warning siren would be going off in my head.

 

[Moemg]

My late husband was a lot older than me and we were never questioned or got any remarks . My SO & I are the same age but people are always asking "Are you married ". It really does not bother us we just say we forgot to get married .

 

[Texas Proud]

And how did you respond to the shocking facts so revealed?



One thing that strikes me about this thread is that several people have counseled me not to "let it bother me," as if I were at fault for being annoyed when people openly betray their bigotry.

It's funny; we have many lengthy threads about "what to do when people criticize my early retirement," and my thought is always "if they're happy, why do they let what others say bother them." I guess where you sit is where you stand, or words to that effect.

I have been thinking about this a bit and I think you are being a bit rude to get upset at someone for asking a normal type question....

It is the norm that when you see and older man and a younger woman that the relationship is father and daughter and maybe much older brother and sister.... so asking the question 'are you father and daughter?' is a natural question.... you answer it 'No, we are married' and that should be that....

My daughter is 45 years younger than me... I have had people ask if I was her granddad, and I say 'No, her dad' and leave it at that... I have never been upset at that question.... and nobody has been rude to me....


So, I think the appropriate answer is the one you give... if they come back with something else that is rude, then fine, but just the normal question should not set you off....

 

[Texas Proud]

Well, I have read the posts that were after my last post that quoted OP...

It seems there there is a group of people that think a question such as the OP stated is just rude.... there are others, like me, that do not think so... Now, I put this in a certain context of where and when this question comes up.... if it is from someone just walking down the street, I would agree... but say you were on a cruise... sat down to eat and started a conversation with the people around the table... not rude IMO.... so context does matter...

 

[Redbugdave]

I think it is normal for people to be curious and even ask. It is mostly innocent.
I would give them the honest answer. That you love each other, (and age means very little).

 

[Totoro]

To me: "So you're father and daughter, right?" "No, we're married."

I sometimes play "evasive questions" just to entertain myself in situations like this (questions that feel wrong to you). Also called the "Eliza" tactic.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ELIZA

As in, for example:
Them: "So you're father and daughter, right?"
You: "A lot of people ask me that"
Them: "So, you're not?"
You: "What makes you think we were?"
Them: "Well, you look so much alike"
You: "We do? In what way?"

You score maximum points if you manage to make them forget about the original question and get them to start talking about themselves.

Extra credit for finishing the conversation in 1 minute or less

The problem alot of the time is that people didn't get a course in asking decent questions anywhere in their life. Especially elders have an additional 'issue' that apparently they tend to speak their minds more easily (something in the aging brain structure lowers thresholds). Not to excuse anyone, but we all have different frameworks and rules in what is appropriate.

I also suffer from Foot-in-Mouth disease rather frequently. Sometimes people are forgiving, sometimes not. I'm mostly grateful when they are.

 

[pb4uski]

I have a good female friend who ended up marrying a guy about 20 years older than her when she was in her early 20s. He has always looked and acted young even now in his 70s. I never really gave it much thought.

 

[athena53]

I've been the much younger partner twice- one was a long-term relationship that started when I was 25 and he was 45, and the other is current DH, who is 15 years older.

I remember only one relative stranger mistaking me for the first guy's daughter- he was the owner of a restaurant we frequented. He was a bit embarrassed when we corrected him. We changed the topic of conversation and that was the end of it.

I don't think current DH and I have ever had any rude questions or remarks. I guess I don't look young enough to be his daughter since, at age 62, I have mostly grey hair, I wear glasses and have furrows between my brows. I look younger but not that much younger.

Finally- no way I'd make a joke about the guy being a "sugar daddy"". A coworker jokingly used that term in my first relationship and I told her to stop (which she did). It's always been a matter of personal pride to me that I had my own career and made my own money.

 

[donheff]

Well I have to say I have learned a little something from this thread. I am a bit of a chatty cathy when I meet new people -- even casual strangers waiting in lines and such. I often strike up a conversation. If the strangers don't seem receptive I never push. But I will start to watch for situations where I might be tempted to ask an "is that your grand kid/child/wife" type question. On reflection, those questions are probably more geared toward getting specific information I don't need rather than just encouraging casual conversation. I can understand that people with relationships that fall outside typical age expectations may get enough intentionally nosy/gossipy inquiries to become sensitive to that type of question. Better to avoid them in the first place.

What about, "what do you do?"

 

[kcowan]

My older brother is 4 years older but looks much older, taking after my mother's side. When he went to the hospital (3x), they confused me for his son. Usually they asked him. It upset him but he took it like a man just explaining the truth. The hospital staff were not really nosey, just trying to make conversation.

A good friend got married for the last time 18 years ago to a Mexican woman 18 years junior. She has always looked young for her age. They get asked more in the last five years since he has turned gray/white. They consider it a compliment to her youthful appearance.

 

[Silver]

I think different people are indeed different in how they perceive other people's behavior. I'm in the camp that any question about myself from someone I do not know is rude. Period.

 

[HFWR]

BTW, I notice your kid doesn't look like you. From your wife's first marriage? Adopted? Does the biological dad have visitation rights? How's it working out? (Some personal, probing questions from total strangers can just make you feel uncomfortable.)

Milkman...

 

[Amethyst]

This has been an interesting thread, and I thank everyone for their contributions. There were several helpful ideas for nipping impertinent questions in the bud, without chiding or snapping at people.

All the suggested rationalizations for why people ask nosy questions - they're "elders" who lack inhibitions, they never learned to ask questions properly, they're gathering gossip fodder for their social group, or (this one slew me) it is just the sort of thing that people like Mr. A. and I ought to expect due to our strangeness, are beside the point.

I have decided that asking if we are father and daughter is fine, as long as the person simply accepts "No, we're married," and doesn't proceed to dig in, trying to get a lady to reveal her age, or her husband's. That would apply to the cruise dinner, just as it would anywhere.

Finally, I was incorrect to suggest asking about a little child by starting with "what a beautiful girl/handsome boy." It works for me, but I'm a woman. Coming from a male stranger, in this day and age, that could indeed raise a red flag with the child's minder or parent.

Athena53, I've followed some of your posts about you and your husband. You both sound loving and lucky to me. No "sugar" nonsense about it.

Amethyst

 

[tmm99]

I have been reading this thread with great interest.

I would never ask if two people are married or they are parent/child (unless I can come up with something more indirect to say that makes them want to disclose the nature of their relationship on their own.) I would be very curious to find out and I may ask my friends after they leave though. It's like when you think some casual friend looks pregnant.

I've noticed people (cashiers at a grocery store and alike) often referred me and my then boyfriend as husband and wife. (I imagine an old guy and an old woman grocery shopping or hanging together are usually married couples.) I guess it is human nature to categorize people into their "normal".

To answer the OP's question, I would just say "No" and turn away. I hope that would teach the person not to pry next time she/he is tempted to ask someone else a similar question.

 

[JPatrick]

Well your problem could be worse--like say, a guy walking a goat in Montana

 

[youbet]

I think if you step back and try and understand how others perceive your noticeable age difference its just natural for people to be curious.

Did you mean to say "it's just natural for people to be nosy busy-bodies?"

 

[Winemaker]

Why? You got something against my old goat?........

 

[JPatrick]

Why? You got something against my old goat?........

Guess it would depend on the age difference..

 

[youbet]

Guess it would depend on the age difference..

Do you measure that in human years or goat years?

 

[Winemaker]

Are you trying to get my goat?

 

[redduck]

Do you measure that in human years or goat years?

From the blog: "Leslie, the Goat Source"

How long do goats live?

A goat is considered mature at 4 to 5 years of age. An 11 year old goat is an old goat! Most does will live longer than the bucks, usually because they receive better care. I heard of an 18 year old goat that was still milking and kidding yearly! Now THAT is an OLD GOAT!!

 

[JPatrick]

Do you measure that in human years or goat years?

Well if an old goat is a teenager, then that's the measurement I'd like.
Always wanted to do the "if I knew then what I know now thing."