Have you experienced ageism? (non-work related)

[tmm99]

I play a group sport and I'm usually the oldest one in any group. By decades. I'm in my mid 60s and people I play with are usually in their mid 20s to late 30s. Some groups have older people but they have more rec-level players. I used to play with a slightly older crowd (mid 40s and mid 40s) but they have family/obligations, so they don't participate as much, and I ended up going to a group with younger people.

I recently joined another group but this group is considerably younger - early 20s to early/mid 30s. I do kind of stick out, but if I want to play at a certain level, and since we don't have enough older folks here who can play at that level, I end up going to this place as well. Anyway, this group is the first place I've experienced ageism of some kind. The organizer seems to gravitate toward younger people. He organizes and hosts parties for them and I don't get an invite. The young ones go out to dinner afterwards and I've never been invited to that either. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to go anyway, but that's not the point. When he invites his players to different events, it seems he tells them to bring people with a similar "vibe". He recently sent an invite for a tourney hosted by a friend of his and he said something like "This is an older group than our group" or something like that to let his players know that they will be playing with older players. This organizer is kind of branding his group, it feels like. Personally, I don't care how the person looks (fat, thin, whatever) or how old - I will play with anybody who is close to my skill level.

The whole thing makes me feel kind of... not so good. I didn't even realize that some younger folks didn't want to play with older people. Having said that, I'm still playing there as the level is decent. I just play and leave, but it just leaves me feeling kind of lousy when I let this bother me.

I was just wondering if you have had similar experiences. I think this will happen more and more as I get even older. The other groups seem to be more inclusive and I don't feel so bad. The team I play with obviously doesn't seem to care, but I am starting to try to find master's programs/groups of people. I played with that kind of group before, but the level wasn't as good as the young players I was playing with, maybe I just need to look more seriously.

I want to hear what you've experienced if you want to share. All in all, I feel that some people are almost age-blind (like colour-blind). They talk to me like they're their same-aged friend and some others, not so much.

 

[Midpack]

I guess I’ve experienced the “ageism” you describe playing golf for example. But it doesn’t surprise or bother me.

When I was “mid 20s to early 30s,” I wasn’t looking to hang out or socialize with “mid 60s” players - so I don’t expect otherwise now that I’m the old guy. On an exception basis fine for all concerned, but I wouldn’t expect to play golf and socialize with people generations younger than me as a regular.

I wouldn’t blame the organizer either, it may well be he/she is acting with the (tacit) approval of other players. They’re including you in play respecting your skill level, but they don’t have to include you in socializing too. You’re at a very different stage in life.

I am 69 and more active than most my age, and there are people my age and especially older who I don’t care to hang out with at all. Is that ageism?

I am not suggesting the OP is an example, but I can think of a few people I know who are often excluded who may conclude it’s ageism or some other “ism,” but it’s not…

 

[wrigley]

When I was in my 20s and 30s I played a lot of golf with people in their 50s and 60s. I thought I was pretty good. I learned a lot from the 50 and 60 year old beat downs they gave me. We had a beer occasionally after the round but that was the extent of our social interactions. I'm curious which sport you are referring to? If you are that good that you can compete with people 40 years your junior, I applaud you. You might just have to leave it at that!

Mike

 

[f35phixer]

Pickle ball? I see it even among old player, WHATS YOUR RATING? you don’t play like a 4.0!!!!!!! Go play over there with THEM.

 

[Dtail]

Curious what sport it is.
For me in Pickleball, I have not experienced it at all. The sometimes non inclusion concepts among certain players is much more related to skill level vs. age.
Luckily I am usually in the top rating where I play, so will always be included.

 

[HawkOwl]

Every time you visit Facebook you are barraged by age-ist clickbait posts. Kind of surprising for such a pc company. I just laugh at the hypocrisy and move along.

 

[Trailwalker]

Ageism is a thing in our society, so I'm not surprised it exists in sports. I have a close friend with a much younger "third wife", and she doesn't want to hang out with his older friends, preferring the company of couples that are her age. We see a lot less of my friend in "couples situations" because he went along with it. It doesn't surprise me. People have preferences and make choices.

I see it in pickleball too. Inexperienced players often prejudge older players--until they find out that skill trumps speed and agility--although it certainly helps to have both.

 

[jollystomper]

Anyway, this group is the first place I've experienced ageism of some kind. The organizer seems to gravitate toward younger people. He organizes and hosts parties for them and I don't get an invite. The young ones go out to dinner afterwards and I've never been invited to that either. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to go anyway, but that's not the point. When he invites his players to different events, it seems he tells them to bring people with a similar "vibe". He recently sent an invite for a tourney hosted by a friend of his and he said something like "This is an older group than our group" or something like that to let his players know that they will be playing with older players. This organizer is kind of branding his group, it feels like. Personally, I don't care how the person looks (fat, thin, whatever) or how old - I will play with anybody who is close to my skill level.

Is this "ageism" concern about participating in the actual sport itself, or about participating the social activities outside of the sport? There is a difference.

 

[Music Lover]

I play in cover bands and the music that I grew up on and what we usually play, now called classic rock, usually doesn't appeal to younger players. If we are looking to fill a spot someone in our age range is almost always a better fit than someone a couple decades younger.

And it works both ways...I'm 61 and if a band of 30-year olds is looking to fill a position it's highly likely that I've never heard 80% of their set list and of that 80% I wouldn't like most of the songs.

 

[tmm99]

Is this "ageism" concern about participating in the actual sport itself, or about participating the social activities outside of the sport? There is a difference.

I think it's the whole vibe of this particular group, projected by the organizer that bugs me, I guess? Obviously, the concern is more with participating in their sports programs. I didn't get invites for certain tourneys although they were open to any level, but not being invited to the social part and him mentioning to the group to bring people of "a similar vibe" kind of gets me too, but like I said, it's not like I would participate anyway, so it shouldn't really matter, but I just feel bad that people want to exclude the old just because they're old.

Sorry, the sport is volleyball.

I belong to another volleyball group and the organizer (early 40s) organizes a potluck every season and absolutely everyone is invited to it. Totally inclusive, and that's what I expect from organizers, not hand-picking who can attend. It should be up to you to sign up or not. I asked one woman in the group (mid 20s) to go with me (she never comes to the potlucks) and she came and said to me something like "I'm surprised that there were younger people in the group that showed up." So I see that people are conscious of age and make decisions based on age, but still, young people/old people can decide to sign up, or not. It's inclusive.

I play COED volleyball - 4 men, 2 women and I'm one of the female setters so it's not like I have to jump all day and hit and block like the guys. As for my main team, three of the guys played in high school. They're all fairly experienced players. (I played in high school as well, but I barely remember how I played as it was decades ago.) As for the male players, they are definitely more advanced than I am. The other female setter is a bit like me level-wise but both of us are setters/female, so it may not be a fair comparison.

 

[Lsbcal]

When I don't enjoy an activity I just STOP IT.

For instance, I have recently stopped playing online chess. Nothing to do with ageism but I felt my fun time was better spent elsewhere. At 75 I stopped running and am now walking daily.

Sports are so much about how good you are compared to others nearby. I often reflect on just how healthy competition is. The answer for me seems to be to turn the dial down.

 

[tmm99]

When I don't enjoy an activity I just STOP IT.

For instance, I have recently stopped playing online chess. Nothing to do with ageism but I felt my fun time was better spent elsewhere. At 75 I stopped running and am now walking daily.

Sports are so much about how good you are compared to others nearby. I often reflect on just how healthy competition is. The answer for me seems to be to turn the dial down.

I don't get what you mean, exactly? Are you saying you want to dial down because you're not as good now as you're older?

 

[tmm99]

I play in cover bands and the music that I grew up on and what we usually play, now called classic rock, usually doesn't appeal to younger players. If we are looking to fill a spot someone in our age range is almost always a better fit than someone a couple decades younger.

And it works both ways...I'm 61 and if a band of 30-year olds is looking to fill a position it's highly likely that I've never heard 80% of their set list and of that 80% I wouldn't like most of the songs.

That makes perfect sense to me. Unless you end up finding someone who's young and loves classic rock.

 

[tmm99]

Ageism is a thing in our society, so I'm not surprised it exists in sports. I have a close friend with a much younger "third wife", and she doesn't want to hang out with his older friends, preferring the company of couples that are her age. We see a lot less of my friend in "couples situations" because he went along with it. It doesn't surprise me. People have preferences and make choices.

I see it in pickleball too. Inexperienced players often prejudge older players--until they find out that skill trumps speed and agility--although it certainly helps to have both.

I can kind of understand about the younger wife. I can't relate to older women who only talk about their grandkids, for example. It's okay some of the time, but not all the time. I still have a lot of fun talking to all sorts of people though, young and old. I sometimes go out with my young group and it's interesting to hear what they're going through (online dating, break-ups, new jobs, what else they're doing, etc. They are pretty open.)

My volleyball is pretty similar to your story about pickleball. Young guys who don't know me are weary of playing with me at random pickups (usually lower level) until they see me play, I think.

 

[tmm99]

Pickle ball? I see it even among old player, WHATS YOUR RATING? you don’t play like a 4.0!!!!!!! Go play over there with THEM.

But that's just about the skill level. Nothing is wrong with that.

 

[tmm99]

When I was in my 20s and 30s I played a lot of golf with people in their 50s and 60s. I thought I was pretty good. I learned a lot from the 50 and 60 year old beat downs they gave me. We had a beer occasionally after the round but that was the extent of our social interactions. I'm curious which sport you are referring to? If you are that good that you can compete with people 40 years your junior, I applaud you. You might just have to leave it at that!

Mike

Yeah, you're right. I should just be happy that experienced players are willing to play with me regardless of/despite my age.

 

[Lsbcal]

I don't get what you mean, exactly? Are you saying you want to dial down because you're not as good now as you're older?

It’s just about whether you enjoy the activity regardless of the reasons. Age can come into it or not.

 

[Music Lover]

That makes perfect sense to me. Unless you end up finding someone who's young and loves classic rock.

Actually, there are a few. Plenty of kids grew up listening to their parent's music. A few years ago I played with an exceptional drummer, 25 years old that listened to Zeppelin, The Cars, Van Halen, etc.

 

[latexman]

Ageism? It's more like zero interest on someone's part, like when I suck my physique up in the gym and strut past the younger ladies. Zero (0) interest!

 

[tmm99]

Ageism? It's more like zero interest on someone's part, like when I suck my physique up in the gym and strut past the younger ladies. Zero (0) interest!

 

[Andre1969]

This isn't sports related, but I remember my grandmother's cousin saying she got tired of hanging out with the local senior citizens' group. The problem, is that she was well into her 80's, and still very fit and active. Most people her age were either dead, a shut-in, nursing home, etc. The people in the senior citizens group were mostly in their 60's, and she said it felt like hanging out with her kids!

 

[Andre1969]

Ageism? It's more like zero interest on someone's part, like when I suck my physique up in the gym and strut past the younger ladies. Zero (0) interest!

Yeah, but if they see you out in the parking lot, walking to a nice car, suddenly they change their tune and it's "Daddy, will you marry me?"

 

[punkinhead]

Casual sports leagues are partially social in nature and it's not ageism for young people not to want to socialize with people twice their age. I understand the problem though. It's hard to find people in my wife's and my age group who can do the the fairly long, difficult hikes we enjoy. Every year a couple more of our friend group can no longer do it.

 

[dmpi]

Try hiking. The old people can out-hike the younger people.

 

[tmm99]

Casual sports leagues are partially social in nature and it's not ageism for young people not to want to socialize with people twice their age. I understand the problem though. It's hard to find people in my wife's and my age group who can do the the fairly long, difficult hikes we enjoy. Every year a couple more of our friend group can no longer do it.

Surprisingly, it's just this organizer who seems to have this attitude, that I know of. I joined as a free agent this season in one league for the first time (ranked intermediate) (the company gathers and forms a team for individuals who want to play but are not interested in forming their own team) and the team captain (early 30s or mid-30s) decided to form a team of his own and asked me to join the team, so some people don't care about the age of players - just the skill level, I assume. Or he just didn't know anyone else who could set. But I know this won't be a social thing. Strictly business, and I'm fine with that.

That's my problem (like your wife). I don't know anybody in my age group or even a little younger in my area who can play. But I found an older group recently and they accepted me to play on a 55+ COED team for a one-day tourney next week in another town (over one hour away by car). If we win, we qualify for some kind of regional masters games and we'll go to another city to complete, so maybe this is where I need to be in the future. This group will definitely involve socializing.

One guy I know - he's in his mid-50s and playsr rec/int vball a lot. Maybe because he is a high school teacher - he goes out after the game and there are two other young kids (one uni student and another early 20's guy) who often come along. I guess this is an exception.