Have you experienced ageism? (non-work related)

[tmm99]

Try hiking. The old people can out-hike the younger people.

I wish I liked hiking...

 

[Aerides]

He organizes and hosts parties for them and I don't get an invite. The young ones go out to dinner afterwards and I've never been invited to that either. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to go anyway, but that's not the point. When he invites his players to different events, it seems he tells them to bring people with a similar "vibe". He recently sent an invite for a tourney hosted by a friend of his and he said something like "This is an older group than our group" or something like that to let his players know that they will be playing with older players. This organizer is kind of branding his group, it feels like. Personally, I don't care how the person looks (fat, thin, whatever) or how old - I will play with anybody who is close to my skill level.

The whole thing makes me feel kind of... not so good. I didn't even realize that some younger folks didn't want to play with older people. Having said that, I'm still playing there as the level is decent. I just play and leave, but it just leaves me feeling kind of lousy when I let this bother me.

It might not be ageism, but just "which one of these is not like the others" and the organizer is a bit of a jerk? Have you asked him - particularly about the group invites, why you were not included? Or talked to others on the team? If not, and if you don't feel comfortable, that's part of it too. In the group, are you making the same social efforts as the others?

Yeah, but if they see you out in the parking lot, walking to a nice car, suddenly they change their tune and it's "Daddy, will you marry me?"

That's not ageism, that's sexism...

 

[tmm99]

Aerides, yeah, I kind of mentioned one of his parties to him (like I heard it was a success or something, I can't remember. I wasn't sarcastic and I don't think he took it as such) and he said he decided to not invite me as a lot of young people come and get drunk and he didn't think I'd enjoy it, or something like that. And evidently, his party was pretty wild. I told him that that was fine. He also said he's been being accused of his group being cliquish, so his group may be seen by non-old people as having some other issues.

I am social with people, so I don't see any problem in that regard, but I don't go around talking to everyone. (After all, I'm there to play volleyball.) More guys come talk to me than women in that group for whatever reason and guys request to follow me on Instagram etc as well, which is odd, but some people seem totally fine with me.

He said he forgot to include me on the open volleyball tourney invite (open means all skill levels) when I told him that I didn't get the invite (I wanted to see if my mail was messed up) - I didn't press the matter, but as I started to understand that he's catering more toward younger folks, it all made sense to me. It's kind of odd that he is a man in his middle 30s and is catering to a much younger group of people (20 up to 30? 28?) (hosting parties etc, too.) Maybe he wants to try to hang onto his youth longer, I don't know. Otherwise, he seems like a real nice guy lol.

 

[jollystomper]

Aerides, yeah, I kind of mentioned one of his parties to him (like I heard it was a success or something, I can't remember. I wasn't sarcastic and I don't think he took it as such) and he said he decided to not invite me as a lot of young people come and get drunk and he didn't think I'd enjoy it, or something like that. And evidently, his party was pretty wild. I told him that that was fine. He also said he's been being accused of his group being cliquish, so his group may be seen by non-old people as having some other issues.

"He didn't think you'd enjoy it" is likely code for "we don't want to have a wild party with someone our parents age there" .

It's kind of odd that he is a man in his middle 30s and is catering to a much younger group of people (20 up to 30? 28?) (hosting parties etc, too.) Maybe he wants to try to hang onto his youth longer, I don't know. Otherwise, he seems like a real nice guy lol.

One consideration is that he feels more comfortable "leading" people younger than him, and that if he includes older people the others will not view him as the "leader".


Edited to add: And... if he is single, well,...

 

[Winemaker]

When we first retired I was 56, and annually we visit SIL and BIL who lived in a retirement community in FL. All the folks talked about was their aches and pains, ailments, doctor appointments, who died in the community and who was not going to be alive much longer. Pretty depressing, but it taught me a lesson about when I get to that point.

 

[ls99]

Yeah, people keep holding doors open for me and calling me sir.

 

[FlaGator]

Been watching this one today. Have a (weak?) parallel with a lady I recently met. Likes to dance, and I agreed to do some online lessons to refresh my skills. After seeing her repeatedly frown after she or I missed a move, I concluded she sees dancing as something she thinks she will be judged on, not something to have fun doing together.

Makes me want to step back, not just from the activity, but from her, because she values the activity much differently than I. I'm doing this to have fun with her, not for points on some anonymous person's scorecard when we go out. If I continue, it will be due to seeing the value in a continuing relationship. Jury is still out on that.

So, I'll ask the jerk question, rhetorically - are you doing this for fun, or something else? Follow up rhetorical jerk question - if the latter, why does socialization with (much younger) teammates matter to you?

 

[Breedlove]

It’s like this in the singer / song writer music . Everyone seems to want to hire the young kid that is good looking that brings in the girls. . I am better musician better singer but get told …you are a really good entertainer , But we want the new country. …l can play it but I won’t . So you see all us older musicians playing small backwoods or open mic. :

 

[tmm99]

Been watching this one today. Have a (weak?) parallel with a lady I recently met. Likes to dance, and I agreed to do some online lessons to refresh my skills. After seeing her repeatedly frown after she or I missed a move, I concluded she sees dancing as something she thinks she will be judged on, not something to have fun doing together.

Makes me want to step back, not just from the activity, but from her, because she values the activity much differently than I. I'm doing this to have fun with her, not for points on some anonymous person's scorecard when we go out. If I continue, it will be due to seeing the value in a continuing relationship. Jury is still out on that.

So, I'll ask the jerk question, rhetorically - are you doing this for fun, or something else? Follow up rhetorical jerk question - if the latter, why does socialization with (much younger) teammates matter to you?

It's not a jerk question at all (although I am not quite sure what you mean lol.). What other posters said made me think as well. I play volleyball because it's fun, especially when I'm playing well with good players. But when I say I do it for fun, I'm not talking about the kind of fun you're expecting from dancing with your date. I'm a serious, intense player who wants to play really well and I try to improve and exceed my own expectations of myself. I look at volleyball as a competitive sport. I love it when I play well and our team wins. I see people who just go to pickups (lower-level casual play and you just go in as an individual) and that's fun to them. They laugh when they make mistakes and everyone laughs. Nobody gets serious if they win or lose. And nothing is wrong with that, but that's not the kind of fun I'm talking about.

Volleyball is a team sport and it involves a little bit of socializing. A lot of interactions during games and between games (during breaks too), etc, so I don't want to play with jerks, for example. And that sometimes extends to outings afterwards. As for going to those young kids' parties, I am not interested in going at all. It's just that I don't like it when the organizer isn't inclusive about it. As for the tourneys he puts together - I wanted to be included.

One thing I've noticed in my volleyball circle. This may shed some light on the dancing thing you mentioned (or not). I see some male players bringing in their novice GF, finances, etc to casual volleyball pickups. They are very patient with their women and they help them out when they cannot get the ball, etc. Good female players don't do so well with their not-so-good male BFs. They may get frustrated and roll their eyes, etc. I've seen this over and over again. I also know a couple who met each other through volleyball and used to play together all the time, but now they play on different teams although they're still together as a couple. The female player is the better player of the two. So if you do something with your date, try to find something she's interested in doing but you're better at. From what you said it sounded like your date may be a little more serious about dancing than you prefer. And if so, you'd better be a better dancer than her. If you're not, you may wanna find other common hobbies you two can do together.

I am not a sexist; it's just my observation in my volleyball world made me form this idea... I'm sure the attitudes may be reversed in some cases, but so far, I haven't seen it.

 

[tmm99]

"He didn't think you'd enjoy it" is likely code for "we don't want to have a wild party with someone our parents age there" .




One consideration is that he feels more comfortable "leading" people younger than him, and that if he includes older people the others will not view him as the "leader".


Edited to add: And... if he is single, well,...

Interesting point! (the leader thing.)

And yes, he's single.

 

[DayDreaming]

Try hiking. The old people can out-hike the younger people.

Hiking is one of my main activities. Most hikers I meet on the trail are pretty laid back and casual and greet me like "hey man, how's it going". But in the past few years, I've gotten a few greetings like "good afternoon, sir, have a safe hike!"

 

[Chuckanut]

Not that I can think of at the moment. But, I am the type of guy who considers 'being invisible' as one of the advantages of growing older. And I use it.

 

[FlaGator]

It's not a jerk question at all (although I am not quite sure what you mean lol.). What other posters said made me think as well. I play volleyball because it's fun, especially when I'm playing well with good players. But when I say I do it for fun, I'm not talking about the kind of fun you're expecting from dancing with your date. I'm a serious, intense player who wants to play really well and I try to improve and exceed my own expectations of myself. I look at volleyball as a competitive sport. I love it when I play well and our team wins. I see people who just go to pickups (lower-level casual play and you just go in as an individual) and that's fun to them. They laugh when they make mistakes and everyone laughs. Nobody gets serious if they win or lose. And nothing is wrong with that, but that's not the kind of fun I'm talking about.

Volleyball is a team sport and it involves a little bit of socializing. A lot of interactions during games and between games (during breaks too), etc, so I don't want to play with jerks, for example. And that sometimes extends to outings afterwards. As for going to those young kids' parties, I am not interested in going at all. It's just that I don't like it when the organizer isn't inclusive about it. As for the tourneys he puts together - I wanted to be included.

One thing I've noticed in my volleyball circle. This may shed some light on the dancing thing you mentioned (or not). I see some male players bringing in their novice GF, finances, etc to casual volleyball pickups. They are very patient with their women and they help them out when they cannot get the ball, etc. Good female players don't do so well with their not-so-good male BFs. They may get frustrated and roll their eyes, etc. I've seen this over and over again. I also know a couple who met each other through volleyball and used to play together all the time, but now they play on different teams although they're still together as a couple. The female player is the better player of the two. So if you do something with your date, try to find something she's interested in doing but you're better at. From what you said it sounded like your date may be a little more serious about dancing than you prefer. And if so, you'd better be a better dancer than her. If you're not, you may wanna find other common hobbies you two can do together.

I am not a sexist; it's just my observation in my volleyball world made me form this idea... I'm sure the attitudes may be reversed in some cases, but so far, I haven't seen it.

Good insights, and you accurately described what's going on with my dancing. I see a discussion and decisions in my future

Thanks for your OP and engaging with all the replies!

 

[Chuckanut]

Good insights, and you accurately described what's going on with my dancing. I see a discussion and decisions in my future

Thanks for your OP and engaging with all the replies!

+1

When I learned to dance and I got better, I would adjust things to help new female dancers and was happy to do so. But, as a newbee, I was treated poorly by the experienced female dancers. They didn't like dancing with me and it showed.

Maybe they should consider their behavior towards newbee males the next time they complain there aren't enough men at the dances.

Back to ageism, suspect I feel it when I am ignored at some events, but I often blame that on old folks who would rather judge and complain about younger folks than try to get along. I had a great time a few weeks ago I was walking through a store and there were three guys who looked like rather like punks from some hood. One commented on my hat, and we ended up having a great conversation for a few minutes about why men should go back to wearing hats and not just those who are cowboys.