Age-asymmetrical marriage: How to handle people's curiosity

[Amethyst]

My husband is a lot older than I am. He is my second husband, and eminently the better of the two. We have been married longer than almost anyone I know...some of the people who said it wouldn't last, are now dead My family and friends never cared about the age difference.

Still, I'm well aware that people are curious when they see any couple with a noticeable "difference" (race, age, what have you). Most people don't say anything. Lately, though, I have been getting an increasing number of remarks and questions from virtual strangers.

To me: "So you're father and daughter, right?" "No, we're married."

Embarrassed silence from the other party, as if they've just uncovered some dirty secret! This just frosts me. I feel like saying, "So, are you reporting us to the Age Gestapo?"

And then, some people - old men, especially - don't want to leave the subject alone. "Really! Are you using Botox?" As if they think I am really my husband's age, and just had some work done! That frosts me even more!

So, I want to nip the subject in the bud without a fuss. I can see the humor in the situation, and I've tried using humor to defuse it. However, I resent having to do this, because these people don't deserve it. Our ages, and even our relationship status, are truly nobody's business, except at the doctor's office. At the same time, I don't want to get all hissy and "that's none of your business," which could make me sound defensive.

Any ideas? This group is usually so good at coming up with comebacks!

 

[REWahoo]

Just tell them he's your Sugar Daddy, wink and smile...

 

[Walt34]

Hmmm....

"Why on earth would you ask that?"

"I'll forget to answer if you forget you asked."

"Are you taking a poll?"

"My, that's rude. I thought you had better manners."

 

[Philliefan33]

I am 11 years younger than DH. That's not such a big difference, but occasionally I will get comments. Sometimes I reply "yes, I married a sugar daddy".

 

[Midpack]

I'm not big on the comeback route, why entertain unwelcome questions from people who hardly know you at all (friends wouldn't ask such questions)? Maybe giving the shortest answers possible and looking them directly in the eye will end the conversations abruptly. Any more and you may just be giving them something to build a next question. If they persist, stop answering at all after 2-3 questions. If the silence doesn't get them to move on, and you want to continue, change the subject very conspicuously to make it obvious you're not interested in their questions along the age lines.

To me: "So you're father and daughter, right?" "No."

And then, some people - old men, especially - don't want to leave the subject alone. "Really! Are you using Botox?" "No."

 

[RunningBum]

"He married me for my money, and I married him for his looks." For all I know that's the truth!

I'd probably just take a long quizzical look at them, and then shake my head in annoyance and walk away. Pretty much the silent approach to Walt's good lines.

 

[audreyh1]

"So, are you reporting us to the Age Gestapo?"

I liked that one very much!

 

[Dash man]

"And you're asking this, why?"

"He married me for my money"

Turn to your husband and say "c'mon honey, it's time for my OB/GYN appointment"

Just say anything but what they want to hear.



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[spncity]

Oh, you can have lots of fun with this!

After one of you says, "Oh, we're married" -- then either one of you can say:
"You are looking at The World's Greatest Fisherman with The Catch of His Life!"

 

[daylatedollarshort]

To me: "So you're father and daughter, right?" "No."

+1. I might also just look puzzled and add, No, why do you ask? Otherwise you are silently going along with the basic assumption that you and your husband look mismatched. I would not buy into that assumption in the first place.

When I was pregnant I remember people asking when I was going to "pop" I would just play dumb and ask them what pop meant. Then they would try to explain and I would still play dumb no matter what they said I would still say I didn't know what they meant and watch them turn red and get flustered.

 

[bingybear]

Embarrassed silence from the other party, as if they've just uncovered some dirty secret! This just frosts me. I feel like saying, "So, are you reporting us to the Age Gestapo?"

Not to belittle the issue, but someone in the above case may be embarrassed that they made this error. Not necessarily trying to reflect on you.

It would not surprise me if some have trouble understanding it, but that is their issue.
It is your issue that you let it bother you. I remember many issues with peoples odd looks and comments to and about my parents. My dad was 8 years older than my mother.. ok not that much older. My dad was paralyzed on his right side and my mom on her left side (stokes as kids). My parents had to take it to court to get married in the late '50s (epileptics were not allowed to get married back then). Just imagine what kind of comments and looks they got trying to raise 2 boys.

Some people may have an initial misstep, but not have an issue long term. Others will never get over it. The first likely can be friends, the latter maybe not so much.

When I had an issue growing up, my parents would tell me "you have two good hands" ...not much I could come back with. I assume you have two good hand too?

A quote from the book Illusions by Richard Bach my help. “If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.”

Your friends will accept it, the others... not your problem

best of luck, pax

 

[Alan]

This has happened many times to me over the years even though DW is only 9 months younger than me. I usually reply, "No, we're husband and wife. I've just weathered badly". It's none of their business so I make no comment on the age difference (or lack of), it just happens that DW has always looked much younger than she is and I have always looked much older.

 

[Senator]

My DGF is 12 years younger. When anyone says anything, I typically respond with "I know, she is going to be too old for me pretty soon".

 

[Amethyst]

I'm definitely going to try "Why do you ask?"

Ick, "pop." (Would that it were so easy to give birth, eh? )

+1. I might also just look puzzled and add, No, why do you ask? Otherwise you are silently going along with the basic assumption that you and your husband look mismatched. I would not buy into that assumption in the first place.

When I was pregnant I remember people asking when I was going to "pop" I would just play dumb and ask them what pop meant. Then they would try to explain and I would still play dumb no matter what they said I would still say I didn't know what they meant and watch them turn red and get flustered.

 

[Amethyst]

We love it!

Oh, you can have lots of fun with this!

After one of you says, "Oh, we're married" -- then either one of you can say:
"You are looking at The World's Greatest Fisherman with The Catch of His Life!"

 

[Amethyst]

I'm not big on the comeback route, why entertain unwelcome questions from people who hardly know you at all (friends wouldn't ask such questions)? Maybe giving the shortest answers possible and looking them directly in the eye will end the conversations abruptly.

Actually, I've done this, and it seems to be the cue for old guys to dig in with further questions! The type who would ask in the first place, is not, I'm afraid, the type who responds to subtlety and class.

I believe your recommendation of "don't answer at all after the first question" is worth a try. Just going "mmm" and looking in the other direction....

[/QUOTE]

 

[Amethyst]

Perhaps it shouldn't annoy me, but it does...thanks anyway, for sharing your parents' story.

It is your issue that you let it bother you.

[/QUOTE]

 

[Texas Proud]

Remember Barbara Bush She looked like her husbands mom or grandma.... sometimes it is the other way...

I will ask, just to be nosey a bit... but how many years? DW and I knew a couple where he was 63 and she was 36.... one time he told me he thought she would be married to him long enough to get a green card and move on... he told me one time he was just looking for sex.... but they have been married for 10+ years.... she is loud and will embarrass anybody who asks...

 

[Dancer373]

All these answers are wonderful !! I needed a good laugh

 

[Amethyst]

why do you ask? is there a prize?

I will ask, just to be nosey a bit... but how many years? ...

 

[Dash man]

"Oh don't worry about it! We're only second cousins!"


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[CaliforniaMan]

There is a very big difference between my wife's age and mine, I bet quite a bit larger than you and your husband. Not only is she much younger, but also from a different part of the world. Before she came I prepared her for possible prejudice and remarks that she might encounter. Didn't need to prepare myself since I am to old to give a rat's afterside as to what people think. Surprisingly, there have been very few negative comments, at least to our face. One negative Facebook comment, we gave no reply, just immediate unfriending and ban. A very close immediate family member expressing normal concern, gets a one time short answer. Casual friends sometimes ask how we met, sometimes get a short one sentence reply, other's just get "I was lucky." I agree with the idea "don't answer after the first comment."

As far as something like that Botox comment you got, I would just say nothing in reply other than, "Excuse me" and walk away. That type of question is inappropriate in any context.

Now for the hard part, and please don't take this the wrong way. But it is not their problem, it is yours. I have found over the years that difficult people (like me) don't get much guff from others, they pretty much get the idea that we do what we want and don't care about what they think, and are not goaded by their remarks. While kind people, I think probably like you, get the brunt of peoples remarks, because they know it affects you.

My advice (it's free, so take it for what it is worth), don't try to be kind to people that make offensive remarks. You don't owe them anything, not even a reply. If they get the idea, good you can still be friends (or acquaintances), if not, you have lost nothing by loosing them.

 

[old woman]

My ex was 17 years older and nobody much ever commented on it. One great aunt told him he robbed the cradle. One little boy guessed I was 50 because my ex was 50, just not good at guessing ages. We were married 17 years and it really wasn't a problem for other people.
I had some problems with it because he treated me like I was not as experienced as him. When we met I was 18 and he was 35 so he had done much more in life and kept saying he had been doing things before I was born. He seemed to think in most things he was head of household. He did let me handle all the financial stuff. He wouldn't let me save for retirement saying I was too young to need to save. His plan seemed to be at 62 to have me still working and him get SS, when I was too old to work I could be a widow and have just SS and he seemed fine with that. I am glad I divorced him 31 years ago he has been dead 22 so I would have been a widow long before retirement with nothing.

 

[ERD50]

I'm generally very poor at coming up with a good answer on the spot in cases like this, but here you have time to think about it.

If/when I can think before I respond, I think it is helpful to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they really didn't mean to be rude, maybe they just spoke before they thought, maybe they would be embarrassed once it sunk in. So give them a way out.

Maybe something like "Yes, there is an age difference, but it's never been an issue for us, we've been happily married for X years".

I bet that would settle it for most people. If they persist, some of the more 'in your face'/clever/snarky replies are probably in order. But most times, I'd think that comment would deescalate the situation, except for the truly dense/drunk/high.

-ERD50

 

[harley]

I'd say something along the lines of "no, we're married. How about you, are you his/her mother/father?" Especially vicious if they are the same age as each other. Don't get mad, get even.