An update on TheFed's popular "Should I Get Married" thread

thefed

thefed

Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
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Oct 29, 2005
Messages
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Looking back, it should've been clear. But I've learned a lot...too much to get into.

My pregnant wife and 2 children moved out Monday. The boys are here tonight and I'll be dropping them off at school in the morning.

I've never done anything harder than walk out of her new place after helping them move, and watching my 6 year old cry out "Daddy, I dont want you to go. I want to see you every day"

Unfortunately, a marriage cant be held together solely for the sake of the children...it isnt fair and it doesnt work. Wish I wouldve known that 5 years ago when the problems started...before we had 3 kids.

Anyway, I'm off to keep working...3am and no desire to sleep (or eat, or talk, or think etc)

Shoulda listened to the ER know-it-alls!

:facepalm:
 
Oh, no! I'm so sorry to hear this, thefed. Is there any hope that you can get back together? Don't give up yet.
 
Sorry to hear that. Hang in there; you aren't the first, and won't be the last...
 
So sorry to hear this. It does get better but it takes time.
 
Oh man. So sorry. It will take time to get used to. Hang in there.
 
Sorry too. I hope you both find happiness down the road, as many people here who have gone through the same thing have.
 
Sorry to hear your news. Hopefully you can repair what is broken. If not, hope you two can get to a good spot where you can co-parent in a peaceful environment.
 
thefed said:
Looking back, it should've been clear.
Click to expand...

Yes, hindsight is 20/20. I had to learn that the hard way too.

But I did learn and wouldn't appreciate DW as much as I do had I not had that experience first.

There is life after divorce.
 
I'm so sorry to hear this painful news. I wish you all brighter days ahead.
 
I'm sure with your entreprenuial spirit you will be able to provide for your children and will see them as often as you want and need.
 
thefed said:
Unfortunately, a marriage cant be held together solely for the sake of the children...it isnt fair and it doesnt work. Wish I wouldve known that 5 years ago when the problems started...before we had 3 kids.:facepalm:
Click to expand...
First of all, many marriages all over the world do exist because of the kids. Granted, it doesn't happen much in modern America or Western Europe.

2nd, you do have 2 kids and will soon have 3. That is a lot more than many modern men get out of 40 year marriages, so look on the bright side. You are an ancestor.

Ha
 
Sorry to hear about it... is it something that she initiated or you:confused:


I have known at least two couples that split and then got back together... one is my next door neighbor... so it that is part of your thinking, go for it..


But, off and on your posts did seem to show that marriage was not something for you... you wanted to do 'other things', and most of that (IMO only) is the chase for money... I think that finding a good balance between that and family is important... not for everybody, but for a lot of people...


Hope things do work out for you... just from your various posts I can see a possibility of some fighting going on with the various businesses that you have started over the years... IOW, you put down that the bounce house business was 'hers' in a number of threads here.... do you still think that:confused: (you don't have to answer, just throwing out some questions)....

Good luck...
 
so many issues. tough to talk about, think about. tough to sleep, tough to stay up. tough to eat. tough to think.

ugg.
 
My sister had a child with and was later married to a total loser for six months (he beat her, so she left). Even though it was very difficult for her, she maintained a cordial relationship with her ex for the sake of their son. They were both involved in his life, his schooling and his activities, and he turned out to be a fine young fellow. I really give her credit for putting aside her own feelings to ensure her child had a good life.

Just one data point.
 
thefed said:
so many issues. tough to talk about, think about. tough to sleep, tough to stay up. tough to eat. tough to think.

ugg.
Click to expand...

Yes, it is definitely tough. Lost 25 lbs and so much sleep that I couldn't think straight. My grown son told me to "bring out the big guns." In other words, get all the help that I needed, spare no expense. I enlisted my physician, a therapist, anti-depressants, a mediator, and a lawyer. I am thankful to all of them. And the meds were essential to function well, go to work, and deal with all the processes of the divorce. Good luck to you. It takes years to really grieve the end of a marriage and don't let anyone tell you it doesn't.
 
ive contemplated meds, but dont want to rely on something like that. at this point, something's gotta give though.

just got back from therapist! that helps a little

and yeah, im down 17 lbs since april 2
 
I am so sorry.
Get all the help you can and try to solve all issues in an amicable way.
Try to keep parenting matters apart from couple issues - for the sake of your good relation to the kids.
 
thefed said:
ive contemplated meds, but dont want to rely on something like that. at this point, something's gotta give though.

just got back from therapist! that helps a little

and yeah, im down 17 lbs since april 2
Click to expand...

I took the antidepressant for a year, and after I was through the divorce and moved, I went off it. So I feel that resorting to the meds helped me to think more clearly and be able to help my daughter who was just finishing high school. After the worst was over, I could drop the meds and learn how to deal with the aftermath without relying on them.

Best wishes.
 
So sorry.

For me, a good lawyer helped. I didn't have to get caught up in all the emotional garbage and just I just turned it over and let the lawyers argue it out to what would be a reasonable outcome, given the circumstances.

FWIW, the lessons learned made my second marriage as strong and happy as the first was miserable. Nineteen years with only two arguments. I did wait twelve years to find the right one for me, to marry again though.
 
Sorry to hear about it Fed.
Take some steps to protect yourself now.
Its a good time to open new bank accounts and have any deposits moved into those. I've read many stories of one party cleaning out the bank accounts, so watch out for that.
I assume you are seeking 50/50 parenting time? How does your wife feel about that?
Things get ugly fast, so you need to get help for yourself to remain healthy and focused on your goals.
 
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