Anyone have moocher-repellent?

[ItDontMeanAThing]

I found it's both what I say and how I say it. I took an assertive training class in my early 20s because I had difficulty saying no. Didn't work very well because others saw it as a technique and knew I'd cave. Wasn't until I had the presence to look upon them as attempting to take advantage of me and upon myself as someone who isn't taken advantage of that such assertive techniques worked. Kinda like someone with martial arts training almost never has to use it because his quiet confidence is enough to deter someone who wants to fight.

My stock phrases include "I'm sorry, I can't do X right now." or "I'm sorry, I can't do X this time." Repeat that a couple times, then if necessary, "Was there anything else?" If they keep trying I say "I'm sorry, I must be going now." then walk away or hang up.

 

[Purron]

I found it's both what I say and how I say it. I took an assertive training class in my early 20s because I had difficulty saying no. Didn't work very well because others saw it as a technique and knew I'd cave. Wasn't until I had the presence to look upon them as attempting to take advantage of me and upon myself as someone who isn't taken advantage of that such assertive techniques worked. Kinda like someone with martial arts training almost never has to use it because his quiet confidence is enough to deter someone who wants to fight.

My stock phrases include "I'm sorry, I can't do X right now." or "I'm sorry, I can't do X this time." Repeat that a couple times, then if necessary, "Was there anything else?" If they keep trying I say "I'm sorry, I must be going now." then walk away or hang up.

Like you, I had to learn to say no. I've found it's better not to offer any excuses and be direct. "I'd rather not", "Sorry, but we'll be unavailable", and of course "No".

 

[haha]

I've found it's better not to offer any excuses and be direct. "I'd rather not", "Sorry, but we'll be unavailable", and of course "No".

Especially true if you never want to lay eyes on them again. IMO less suitable for relations with children, parents, and in some families, sibs.

Ha

 

[Moemg]

Like you, I had to learn to say no. I've found it's better not to offer any excuses and be direct. "I'd rather not", "Sorry, but we'll be unavailable", and of course "No".

That doesn't work with my sister . She will just hound me until I give in all the way or at least three quarters of the way . The dumbest thing she tries and she is ultra intelligent is when she says her husband thinks I should do it . As if that holds any weight with me .

 

[Purron]

Especially true if you never want to lay eyes on them again. IMO less suitable for relations with children, parents, and in some families, sibs.

Ha

True. I'm lucky in that I have no moocher relatives - just moocher "friends".

 

[FUEGO]

Especially true if you never want to lay eyes on them again. IMO less suitable for relations with children, parents, and in some families, sibs.

Very true. The simple "No" repeated ad infinitum and eventually hanging up on the caller would work on the long lost relative from Timbuktu. Not so well on siblings or siblings in law or parents that you see on a daily or weekly basis. At least if you want to maintain amicable relations with them...

 

[travelover]

Very true. The simple "No" repeated ad infinitum and eventually hanging up on the caller would work on the long lost relative from Timbuktu. Not so well on siblings or siblings in law or parents that you see on a daily or weekly basis. At least if you want to maintain amicable relations with them...

Right. For family I've found "Hell no!" to work better.

 

[braumeister]

Another method that has worked well with one of our ne'er-do-well mooching relatives is to agree to help him, but put so many conditions on our help that he backs off and goes away. There is always someone out there who will be a softer touch.

 

[Nords]

Very true. The simple "No" repeated ad infinitum and eventually hanging up on the caller would work on the long lost relative from Timbuktu. Not so well on siblings or siblings in law or parents that you see on a daily or weekly basis. At least if you want to maintain amicable relations with them...

That doesn't work with my sister . She will just hound me until I give in all the way or at least three quarters of the way . The dumbest thing she tries and she is ultra intelligent is when she says her husband thinks I should do it . As if that holds any weight with me .

If that's the way they behave then I'm a little unclear on the concept of why anyone would want to maintain amicable relations.

No one takes advantage of you without your tacit consent.

 

[Moemg]

If that's the way they behave then I'm a little unclear on the concept of why anyone would want to maintain amicable relations.

No one takes advantage of you without your tacit consent.

I agree but sometimes with family it's very complicated !

 

[Nords]

I agree but sometimes with family it's very complicated !

Agreed. However one way to cut through a Gordian Knot is to use a very big sword...

 

[HawkeyeNFO]

As they used to say in the old Navy aviation community, "Green light!!"

Thanks for the reminder Nords! I think it might be time to green-light the XO!

 

[travelover]

I agree but sometimes with family it's very complicated !

In DW's family it is not so much complicated as blatant emotional blackmail. In the worst case, dropping hints like "I'm so depressed over huge bills that I just don't know what I might do". Naturally, DW doesn't want to live with a suicide on her conscience.

Me, I'd supply the ammo. (just kidding)

 

[rescueme]

Me, I'd supply the ammo. (just kidding)

I'm not ...

 

[chinaco]

I suppose there are degrees of mooching.

I am not too concerned with the small stuff. It just winds up being a bit of an annoyance. I try to not make a big deal out of it. But sometimes I can get hung up on the "Principle of the Mooch"!

For larger things, I have tended to help family members that find themselves in crisis.... assuming it was not a massive amount of money. I have made quite a few multiple k donations. But there are limits. Some tried to become frequent borrowers from the chinaco bank (and of course never repay).... I cut them off! Naturally they resented it and all of the sudden I went from the status of helpful sibling to insensitive selfish tight wad.

 

[Zero]

A true moocher [in my opinion] is a person who views asking others for money as a viable means of supporting themselves. That type of moocher is gonna catch a face full of palm if they come calling on me for a handout. Nothing lower on this Earth than someone scheming to get a free/easy ride at others expense.

A legitimate need for money is a different issue but that had better be for a desperate situation and infrequent occurrence.

And the absolute worst of the worst is the sibling who uses mom to facilitate the mooching. Asking her to do the asking.

Ugh, just plain, UGH.

 

[travelover]

..............
And the absolute worst of the worst is the sibling who uses mom to facilitate the mooching. Asking her to do the asking.

Ugh, just plain, UGH.

That would be my SIL. Nothing worse than to see DW's face when her mom calls up crying.

 

[Danmar]

Moochers have never been a problem for us. Friends and family only show when invited. We invite them fairly often but it's our decision. Only invite the ones we enjoy. Sounds like we are pretty lucky in this regard.

 

[FUEGO]

If that's the way they behave then I'm a little unclear on the concept of why anyone would want to maintain amicable relations.

No one takes advantage of you without your tacit consent.

Most of the mooching family in question are my in laws, ie DW's siblings, parents, etc. Not sure I want to lose the DW over some minor annoyances from the in laws, since she is on board with telling them no, and they aren't overly pushy about it now that we have them trained to expect a no. DW would NOT be on board with ceasing all relations with her siblings and parents who live within 2 miles of us.

 

[FUEGO]

Just had a moocher try to take me for $1200 yesterday. "Can I borrow $1200 from u until I get my tax return in Feb". Texted to me from my SIL.

My response (in an email): "We have a lot of credit card and other bills coming due in July and August. We won't really have any extra to let you borrow for a few months at least." Basically punting the ball I know, but this conveys the message I want to craft. "We don't have much cash laying around, and can't just fork over thousands at the drop of a hat".

The best thing is that my response is polite, honest, factual, reasoned, and says no.

This is the SIL that wanted to borrow a down payment to buy a house 6 months ago or borrow the entire amount, since she can't find financing. No, not the gambling addict SIL for those following along with my posts!

Every year around June/July/Aug she seems to need around a thousand bucks to carry her through Feb when her income tax return comes due. This is defining "living paycheck to paycheck".

Odds are she would repay me, since she has borrowed money probably 6 times before over the last 8 years, and generally repaid on schedule. But the interest I get on the loan isn't worth the stress of worrying whether she will repay. And I have to craft that image of "we don't have any money and are living paycheck to paycheck just like the rest of you".

 

[braumeister]

If she expects the refund in February, have you ever suggested that she simply change her W-4 so she has the money in hand instead of loaning it to the gummint?

 

[FUEGO]

If she expects the refund in February, have you ever suggested that she simply change her W-4 so she has the money in hand instead of loaning it to the gummint?

I thought about suggesting that, then I just saw her facebook employment status as "worked at XYZ Corp". Notice the past tense phrasing there. Not sure if she is still gainfully employed (she just had a baby).

And it would be a matter of capturing all of her Advanced Earned Income Tax Credit, since she is (was) in the perfect income range for getting that with a modest income and 4 babies and she is a single filer.

I'm not going to get in the middle of her tax withholding issues. We'll just exchange pleasantries at our 4th of July celebrations and keep it at that...

 

[Purron]

I thought about suggesting that, then I just saw her facebook employment status as "worked at XYZ Corp". Notice the past tense phrasing there. Not sure if she is still gainfully employed (she just had a baby).

Not a facebook expert, but I've noted it often says "has worked at" when I know they're still working there.

 

[FUEGO]

Not a facebook expert, but I've noted it often says "has worked at" when I know they're still working there.

Could be. I just looked at about 10 friend pages, and SIL's is the only one where it is phrased in the past tense (other than currently unemployed people's pages).

 

[Walt34]

Sounds like one SIL, who just got back from their SC beachfront hotel vacation in the 3-room suite. She was impressed with the granite countertops, stainless appliances, yada yada yada. ~$2,500 for a week and mind you, they could stay for free at the other SIL's place a half hour down the road.

But that's not good enough. It's not oceanfront, being two blocks from the water, and The Queen would have to make her own bed, do her own laundry, cook most of her own meals, clean up afterward, and vacuum the rugs. Sheesh, the place doesn't even have a dishwasher. My goodness, that would never do!

They also use their income tax refund to pay for the vacation, the rest of the time living paycheck to paycheck. They have so far avoided any major financial meltdowns and not asked for money but I'm sure that when the day inevitably arrives when hubby isn't making six figures anymore she's in for a rude awakening.