Childless and getting older

[rescueme]

...has to be written out and either DH or one of my siblings will have the power of attorney.

And if you have neither?

 

[WhoDaresWins]

In worst case scenarios I have seen people who become incompetent to manage their own affairs (and lack any willing and able informal supports) get court appointed guardians, either a government agency or a private firm contracted to do so. Believe me, they are very closely monitored by the courts and everything that needs to be done for the person is done to keep them safe with compliance to the letter of the law. Some referrals come from the hospitals who cannot discharge the person safely back into the community after an admission. The hospitals hate to do this as it costs them money in legal fees so you know it is a dire case when the hospital petitions the court.
I cultivate my friendships with my handful of very close female friends and try to do favors for them when possible. They do the same for me. If I needed someone to take me for a medical test, it is no problem, and if I needed someone to stay with me short-term here at home for some reason, I would have a couple of volunteers at the ready. My two closest friends are listed on the HIPAA forms as emergency contacts at any doctors I visit and also at the local hospital (my son is the third and last resort ).

 

[FinanceDude]

I cannot begin to imagine how lousy and miserable my life would have been had I followed the so-called "life script" and had kids. I would lose all the things I so much treasure by being childfree, starting with my early retirement.

Tell us how you REALLY feel!!!

 

[Rocky Bottlechaser]

A lot of good comments. I was not even thinking of the problems some have encountered with aging loved ones who became obstinate and did not want to move, quit driving, take medications, etc..


It goes without saying that we will need all of the usual legal documents like a will, POA, and living will. My concern is about who will execute my wishes and what controls can I put in place to see that I am not 'ripped off'.


My DW and I have been involved with our fathers and a brother-in-law as their lives ended and those experiences have shaped my current concerns. My father-in-law set up a trust with his local small town bank where he was known. By the end of his life the small bank had been gobbled up by a mega-bank who knew nothing about him. He had a new trust officer every 12 to 18 months and none of them seemed very knowledgeable or competent. Mega-bank started double dipping with investment fees until my bother in law and I both questioned them about it. They did not agree that they were doing anything wrong but the Trust did get a rebate of some fees from then on. My DW's father would have been paying the extra fees if we had not stepped in.


My single brother-in-law had a serious accident which left my DW in charge of his affairs for several years until his death. She handled them as he wished but there was no oversight of her actions. He also had a trust that she managed and distributed after his death. All of the assets went to schools and charities. None of the recipients ever asked for any kind of an accounting to verify that they really did get their share. I am not surprised that they did not question it and it would have been a pain for DW if they had. But again the question: How can we put controls in place to be sure our wishes are carried out.


My father also had a trust. My brother and I became the trustees upon his death. After my father's death FIDO needed paperwork to set up a new account and then make distributions according to the trustees. We had to get the Gold Star(?) stamp on the paper work so we headed down to MegaBank 2 where my brother had an account. The bank officer verified my brother's identity, told us about all the security precautions the bank had to take with the stamp, and then stamped the paperwork. She never checked my ID. My brother could have taken anyone in with him. Then he could have done anything he wanted with the trust assets.


Bottom line: What controls can we put in place to see that our wishes are carried out while we are alive and after we are gone especially in light of the fact that the people we choose may not be around to take on the responsibility.

 

[rescueme]

Then again, there of us who have "adult children", but must make plans for their future, along with ours - before and after we're gone.

Having "special needs" kids is an entire other subject - and I don't want to derail the thread.

However, those of you that have children (to look after your affairs), and those of you who have no children (but have looked to other alternative means to answer your needs in old age), count yourselves as "blessed" - or at least very lucky in life...

I/DW know...

 

[Moemg]

I cultivate my friendships with my handful of very close female friends and try to do favors for them when possible. They do the same for me. If I needed someone to take me for a medical test, it is no problem, and if I needed someone to stay with me short-term here at home for some reason, I would have a couple of volunteers at the ready. My two closest friends are listed on the HIPAA forms as emergency contacts at any doctors I visit and also at the local hospital (my son is the third and last resort ).

This is so important as we age . I have my SO but I also have several female friends that I can count on and they can count on me . I can always count on my daughter but she lives a distance from me .

 

[Major Tom]

There are two sides to every coin. I know people who have kids that have been an absolute joy, and those for whom their offspring have been a trial, even in adulthood. I like to think that I would have done a reasonable job of parenting but who knows? I didn't make a decision not to be a father, but it didn't happen and although I occasionally wonder what it would have been like, the wondering doesn't last very long. I'm sure that parents occasionally muse as to what it would have been like for them had they not had children.

We only have one life to live and whatever we do, things work best if we look at life the way it is, forge ahead, and enjoy.

 

[haha]

This is so important as we age . I have my SO but I also have several female friends that I can count on and they can count on me. I can always count on my daughter but she lives a distance from me .

This is always more difficult for men, especially married men. If a married man loses his wife late in life, too often there goes his support system, other than children.

Ha

 

[Moemg]

This is always more difficult for men, especially married men. If a married man loses his wife late in life, too often there goes his support system, other than children.

Ha

Unless he lives in a 55 plus community . Then the neighbors usually rally around and help each other and if he's looking for female companionship he has his pick of many women bearing casseroles in search of male companionship.

 

[haha]

Unless he lives in a 55 plus community . Then the neighbors usually rally around and help each other and if he's looking for female companionship he has his pick of many women bearing casseroles in search of male companionship.

Good point, some churches also are this way I believe.

Ha

 

[Amethyst]

Not sure what these women want the men for, since we have been told (in other threads) that women who are post-menopausal, lose their interest in sex! Maybe there could be some exceptions? Anyway, I can't see chasing some old codger around with a casserole, just so he can open jar lids that are too stiff for my hands

But this isn't helping the OP. To his question, I cannot offer a good answer. I don't know how one ensures that non-family will treat an infirm person honestly, intelligently, and compassionately. I have heard that wealthy families "retain" a law firm to look after their interests, but I suspect the "retainer" has to be very large, and the "history" with the firm rather long, to ensure quality.

Amethyst

Unless he lives in a 55 plus community . Then the neighbors usually rally around and help each other and if he's looking for female companionship he has his pick of many women bearing casseroles in search of male companionship.

 

[Major Tom]

Not sure what these women want the men for, since we have been told (in other threads) that women who are post-menopausal, lose their interest in sex!

Amethyst

Companionship with someone of the opposite sex perhaps? Even at my age (late 40's) companionship is the much more important reward of having a close female friend.

 

[haha]

Not sure what these women want the men for, since we have been told (in other threads) that women who are post-menopausal, lose their interest in sex!

As the Brian Jack zydeco song goes, believe none of what you hear, and half of what you see. So unless you have been naughty with some older couples, you'll just have to wait and see for yourself I suppose. Et toi!

"People always talk about what they heard, unless you see it for yourself don't believe a word.."

Ha

 

[Amethyst]

I must google that song...what a wonderful line!

As the Brian jack zydeco song goes, believe none of what you hear, and half of what you see.

Ha

 

[haha]

I must google that song...what a wonderful line!

The name is None of What You Hear, by Brian Jack and the Zydeco Gamblers. I bought the CD from the band, at a great zydeco festival in Sparks Nevada in 2001. This song really brought down the house, because the rumors were of course flying that weekend! I haven't been able to find it online so that I could link it.

Hey, here is a short sample from this very CD.

Give Me Some Room None of What You Hear by Brian Jack @ ARTISTdirect.com

Ha

 

[freebird5825]

Childless and widowed, now age 53.
I've never felt incomplete without children. I was never strongly maternal. I know I have said "TG I didn't have kids" many times when I saw what my age peers with children were dealing with.

For myself, I have a Trust set up that will allow my affairs to be taken care of by a local bank that has a Trustee department set up for this very reason. I wrote in "not to exceed" clauses to keep the cost of trust management under control. My trust attorney (and Successor Trustee) is approx 10 years younger than I am. Either he (or a partner in his law firm) or the bank can be appointed as Successor Trustee if conditions warrant.
I felt better going with this route than entrusting my welfare to my siblings. The things I heard them say with my own ears and their behavior toward my Mom in her final days was more than enough to convince me I was better off without their interference. Not to say that they won't try anyway. My Trust specifically prohibits that from being allowed, i.e. my explicit wishes will override the usual "next of kin" laws.

 

[Moscyn]

For myself, I have a Trust set up that will allow my affairs to be taken care of by a local bank that has a Trustee department set up for this very reason. I wrote in "not to exceed" clauses to keep the cost of trust management under control. My trust attorney (and Successor Trustee) is approx 10 years younger than I am. Either he (or a partner in his law firm) or the bank can be appointed as Successor Trustee if conditions warrant.
I felt better going with this route than entrusting my welfare to my siblings. The things I heard them say with my own ears and their behavior toward my Mom in her final days was more than enough to convince me I was better off without their interference. Not to say that they won't try anyway. My Trust specifically prohibits that from being allowed, i.e. my explicit wishes will override the usual "next of kin" laws.

Good point. Even amongst siblings or even with spouse, we can have different values or degrees of values. I have seen too many old folks put away in old folks homes when they rather stay in their own homes and have a part-time help. I discussed this topic with my friends recently on who would be their attorney and most picked spouse or failing whom, one of their siblings. A few chose their close friends above spouse and siblings. One asked "wouldn't your spouse feel betrayed if you do not appoint her/him as the attorney?"

 

[Blackwoodt]

All that said, the best part now is grand children

Only if the kid, and grandkid don't live with you! I married my DH 20+ years ago. He had two girls, now 26 & 31. The 26 year old hooked up with a real winner, and has now been living with us for a year with the 16 month old grandkid. I'm still waiting for them to grow up… they can't take care of themselves, much less ever be able to take care of us in our old age. I never had the urge to have kids, and will be ecstatic to have my house back when they are gone.

 

[Brat]

The dilemma I see with older childless couples is that while wanting to live independently provision should be made for that phase of life when that won't work well. Many old friends have died and those that remain aren't able to travel.

If you wait to deal with infirmity until there is no choice you either move to a care facility or are cared for at home, basically isolated socially.

One of my mother's cousins was childless and very active in her community, in great shape physically (former professional dancer). Her deceased husband prepaid fees for her move to Twin Towers in Cincinnati but she didn't want to move from their home. When she couldn't drive or manage her home she finally relented. She moved to a lovely duplex there but couldn't find her way to the dining room. They needed to move her to one of their residential care units. If she had moved a couple years earlier she would have been able to adjust and avail herself of the fantastic activities at that facility. She missed so much.

 

[DFA]

No kids here; I am the oldest of 4 and DW is youngest of 10; we get our kid fixes as needed (not very often) and then go on our merry way. All of the families with kids are never going to retire, w*rk until dead, or laided off (forced to retire with little to nothing to show for it). I would not trust any of them to handle my affairs since they can not handle their own. I have issues being around kids they drive me nuts and they seem to be out of control (lived in a family where kids are seen, but not heard).

We are planning on retiring and living the good life and when it comes time to be taken care of, we will hopfully have a plan and I hope that time is a great deal down the road from today.

 

[GusLevy]

People tell me there's a void without children and the void increases as you age. Personally, I don't feel the void - yet. Should I prepare for the void that is to come and what can I do now to help ourselves?

The "void" in the aforementioned adage, for me, has always referred more to spiritual "meaning of life" issues rather than the physical void of not having children - later adults - to spend time with as a person grows older. I think that most sensible people can appreciate and accept the fact that even the best and selfless parenting can result in children growing up to be adults that may not wish to spend much time with their parents - nor be adults that the parents themselves wish to be around as well. The "void" then refers to a loss of potential rather than something that is measurable in my opinion.

Having said that, it is then clear to me that the "void" is an amalgam and function of personal thoughts on what the meaning of life is, what the point of the universe is, personal legacy matters, etc. - pretty much all the stuff that we think about when we try to make sense of what Life is all about. The feeling of void would then be something that does not grow in size in itself as it is the result of a binary decision: The path not taken at the fork in the road, so to speak. Thus, the "void" increases with age only in a relative sense - people who have chosen not to have children both decrease the ability to reverse that decision and/or decrease the time available to spend with their children if they decide to change their mind as they grow older.

There is no right answer to any of this stuff, of course. Feelings of regret - and void - are a part and parcel to all big Life decisions. And, no decision is probably greater in life than the one regarding to have children or to not.

 

[Amethyst]

And as I'm sure all are aware, the decision is not always up to folks! Infertility is a big problem for many. Adoption is not always practical, either.

Amethyst

TAnd, no decision is probably greater in life than the one regarding to have children or to not.

 

[Moscyn]

And as I'm sure all are aware, the decision is not always up to folks! Infertility is a big problem for many. Adoption is not always practical, either.

Amethyst

+1. Infertily, miscarraiges and sickness - many times even though we give nature a helping hand, still may not work. Adoption is not something every one - culturally or racially, can accept sometimes.

 

[Amethyst]

Many countries prefer not to adopt out infants to couples where one or both parents is over 40. Common practice (last time I heard; things can change) was to add a year to the adoptable children's ages for every year a member of the couple is over age 40. So, by the time couples give up on fertility treatments, they often can't adopt a baby either, and adopting an older child can be more of a challenge than people are ready to accept.

I guess my point is that childlessness is not always a choice. It is a situation that many people have to face up to whether they like it or not. That is another reason why this thread is important.

Amethyst

+1. Infertily, miscarraiges and sickness - many times even though we give nature a helping hand, still may not work. Adoption is not something every one - culturally or racially, can accept sometimes.

 

[Calgary_Girl]

Sorry, I can't relate.

As I'm typing this, I'm watching my 18 month old daughter with a big smile on my face. She's at the age where she's completely enchanted with the world around her and discovering new and interesting things every day. Of course there are days where she's a handful but most of the time I just watch her and am amazed at this little person who came into our lives.

Now, ask me again when she's 18 years old, how I feel .