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customer service?
Old 07-26-2006, 10:48 AM   #1
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
ladelfina's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 2,713
customer service?

This is one of the funnier things I've read lately:

Dear Crazy-As-Bat-****-Lady: The fridge doesn't come with a pedigree!

Date: 2006-06-25, 8:44AM PDT

Dear Crazy-As-Bat-****-Lady:

I am honored that you chose my ad for a mini fridge out of all the ads you could have chosen. It makes me feel good that my mini fridge will be supplying you with the ice cold beverages you've obviously become accustomed to.

Next time you answer one of my ads, please note the following:

1. I am not Home Depot. If you travel thirty minutes to pick up a bulky 40-pound object, please come prepared with the necessary items you'll need to secure it to your vehicle. Yes, I have rope. I have a lot of rope. I have many different colors and sizes of rope. No, you can not have my rope. The ad said I was selling a fridge, not a fridge with rope. Nor was I selling a fridge with padding so that the pleather seats on your piece of crap car don't get marked up.

2. What part of 'buyer must pick up' in the ad was confusing to you? Yes, I have a vehicle. No, I don't want to haul your fridge all the way to East Bumble**** on the hottest day of the year. No, I'm really really sure I don't want to do that. No, really. I'm sure.

3. Please call me only once with ALL your questions. I left for the day, and had 5 messages on my answering machine, the last one was at 10:30 pm. Frankly lady, you were sounding a bit too crazy by the end of the day. It's a fridge. A small metal box that keeps **** cold. I don't have the fridge's family tree. For all I know the fridge's was conceived by a slutty young Maytag that graced some hillbilly's side porch. I don't know the exact age of the fridge. I bought it a few months ago, I used it for a couple of days, ok, I lied, I used it a whole week. The fact is, you're not buying a race horse, you're buying a used fridge.

4. No, I will not knock $10 bucks off the price of the fridge because your anal retentive eyes picked up the ittiest, bittiest hairline scratch from across my driveway. I'm not making judgements on you, but I'm pretty damn sure Donald Trump didn't send you across the country to pick up a used fridge for Trump Towers. Though I'd wager the whole concept of the mini-fridge bar is a familar one to you.

5. Yes, you can unplug a fridge without any harm to the fridge. Believe me, the fridge is fine. The manufacturers have figured out a way to extend the life of a fridge that has been unplugged. Yes, I'm absolutely sure of that. No, you did not have to leave 2 messages about your concerns with the fridge being unplugged, and frankly it was a little embarrassing having the same conversation with you in my driveway where my neighbors could hear.

6. No, I don't have the operating instructions. I can write them down for you though: Plug fridge in. Open door. Put crap inside. Take crap out when it's cold. Eat or drink crap.

7. I am not a fridge pimp. I don't have any more fridges at that price. No, I don't know where you can get another fridge at that price. Yes, I know it's in great condition for the price, and I'm sure you'd like your other crazy-as-bat-****-mini-fridge-buying-friends to have one just like it, but this is all I have. Here's a thought, there's this online classified ads website. Yeah, you may have heard of it, it's called CRAIGSLIST. I dunno, maybe, just maybe, in this great land of ours, there's another mini-fridge being advertised there.

8. Please remove my phone number from your address book. I think our relationship is over. Oh, and if you've added me to your AIM Buddy List, please delete me. Please. I beg you.

Yours truly,

The mini-fridge seller

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Re: customer service?
Old 07-26-2006, 11:06 AM   #2
Full time employment: Posting here.
shiny's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 673
Re: customer service?


Did you read some of the ones written in Seattle?

I might have a new answer to the question "what do you do all day"!

I'm made of atoms, you're made of atoms, and we're all in this together. Ben Lee
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Re: customer service?
Old 07-26-2006, 11:24 AM   #3
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
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Posts: 2,713
Re: customer service?

nope.. my sister passed this one on..
Unfortunately this IS part of my answer.. People are working hard all day generating crap for me to look at!
Tears running down my face now as I'm reading the one just above this one.. !
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Re: customer service?
Old 07-26-2006, 11:42 AM   #4
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
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Posts: 15,911
Re: customer service?

Oh, I just LOVE this one:

To the person/slut who disposed of their DILDO in my yard:

Date: 2006-06-25, 9:48PM PDT

I awoke this fine morning hoping to retrieve the Sunday paper from the lawn without incident, pretty standard. How shocked was I to encounter a DILDO on my lawn? It was flesh-tone… you know a waxy, crayon-ish, unrealistic shade of flesh and it wasn’t really smooth. There were bits of grass stuck to it and some small black bugs had claimed it as their own flesh-tone yard log.

NOW, I am all about people having a good time whether it is with other people or by themselves BUT since when did a DILDO become a one-time-use disposable item?

Plausible and not so plausible reasons why a DILDO may have turned up in my yard:

1. It was made out of biodegradable material - so really, any yard would serve as a perfectly acceptable place to dispose of your DILDO. Dispose is such an ugly word shall we use the phrase, return to the Earth, instead?

2. My yard looked too barren - so instead of placing a creepy gnome or obnoxious pink flamingo on the lawn to liven things up a bit you decided that a flesh-tone DILDO was the perfect choice to add just the right amount of spice.

3. This was a hint – so I’m a single chick living alone on the Eastside (truly this is a curse) who is not getting a lot of action. Could you be a little more subtle, please? A DILDO on the lawn is like someone walking around with a T-shirt on that reads, Bush is a ****ing moron…not too much to read into or figure out there! Jeeeeeeeeez!

***Side Note: No amount of cleaning, not even a run through the dishwasher on SANATIZE, would ever be enough to entice me into riding this pre-owned, mysterious lawn dong

4. It fell out – so you were walking across my lawn for some inexplicable reason last night and your portable, 9 inches (guesstimate) of love fell out of you and you didn’t notice. OR maybe you did notice and just thought…ewwww icky grass and bugs, let’s just leave it here. I’ll buy a new DILDO with my daddy’s credit card tomorrow.

5. Someone was practicing – so some big event or competition is coming up. Here is a list of the possibilities as I see them:

a. The Lorena Bobbitt Cock Tossing Competition
b. The rollout of the new board game: Hustler’s Scavenger Hunt
c. The 16th Annual Wear Your Cock on the Walk fundraiser for ED.
d. Naughty Lawn Darts on the Eastside – BYOD – bring your own dart.

6. New Candid Camera Show to Air – so this was all caught on tape and you may soon be viewing it in your living room. I’ll be the one with sever bed head wearing the purple, shorty pajamas and a WTF expression.

I just know the garbage man is gonna think it’s mine! Thanks DILDO slut!

"Neither my companion or I carry firearms on our persons. We depend on the goodwill of our fellow man and the forbearance of reptiles."

- English Bob
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Re: customer service?
Old 07-26-2006, 12:35 PM   #5
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Re: customer service?

Cheap place for extreme cat lovers - 73rd and 3rd

Date: 2006-06-02, 6:54PM EDT

I am a cat nutritionist offering a room in an apartment with a GREAT location (7rd and 3rd) for a very cheap price. $400/month for june, july, august. I am an extreme cat lover and have a total of 17 cats in a small apartment. I am not going to lie, you must be an extreme cat lover if you want to rent this place for the summer.

The room I am offering up for rent is a room for my cats. I am not going to lie, there is cat litter and droppings all over the room as I have not cleaned it since the middle of January. There is a twin bed on it which about 5 cats sleep in. You are welcome to share it with them, but you must NOT disturb them, as it is their place before yours. You are welcome to clean up some of the droppings, but you must leave most of the cat litter in place in the room, as there will not be much more room in the house for the cats to do their business otherwise. I am not going to lie, sometimes I wake up and have cat litter all over my body, but studies show that it is extremely sterile and will not cause you any sickness if you bathe daily and keep clean.

If interested, please send me an email explaining your situation, and writing a short blurb (essay, history, poem, whatever) about your love of cats. I reserve the right to revoke your room (with a refund) at any time if I feel that my cats are more depressed or are not enjoying your company.

Sarah...who has wasted a lot of time on the Best of Craigslist page.
“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching.”
Gerard Arthur Way

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