Dying Alone

[ExFlyBoy5]

Yeah..I know the title is depressing. I get it. I debated whether I would even post it, but I do think it's worthy of discussion. Basically, the article discusses how the percentage of non-married folks is increasing as well as the increasing rates of childfree (or childless if you prefer that terminology) couples thus resulting in an increase of folks dying "alone". It doesn't appear that the shift in overall percentages is that great, but it is an increase and it's of particular interest to me since the DW and I have no kids and don't plan on having them. Also, my blood family is dwindling and it's quite possible I will be the end of the line. At any rate, I thought it might interest some folks who may be in a similar situation.

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2017-10-09/americans-face-a-rising-risk-of-dying-alone

 

[Sunset]

Yeah..I know the title is depressing. I get it. I debated whether I would even post it, but I do think it's worthy of discussion. Basically, the article discusses how the percentage of non-married folks is increasing as well as the increasing rates of childfree (or childless if you prefer that terminology) couples thus resulting in an increase of folks dying "alone". It doesn't appear that the shift in overall percentages is that great, but it is an increase and it's of particular interest to me since the DW and I have no kids and don't plan on having them. Also, my blood family is dwindling and it's quite possible I will be the end of the line. At any rate, I thought it might interest some folks who may be in a similar situation.

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2017-10-09/americans-face-a-rising-risk-of-dying-alone

What about your adopted family ?
Maybe they could be there since you are not relying on your blood family ?

Or are you saying adopted children are as good as being childfree ?

 

[Rianne]

We don't have kids either. We've gotten close to all our neighbors and have good friends from childhood, not that they would be responsible for us. We're letting our nieces and nephews know they are our beneficiaries, so they might care for us if one of us is alone. I fear that state guardian issue presented in one of the threads. That said, there are many elderly with children who do not keep in contact with relatives or parents. I guess everyone is alone to some extent. Blood relatives are not guaranteed to care about family members in need.

I almost died when I was in high school and strangely my parents and family were the furthest thing from my mind. Like you're a part of a much bigger family or universe. Sorry, I'm getting spiritual here, even though I'm agnostic.

 

[jollystomper]

Maybe a better description is "dying without friends"?

 

[hesperus]

Ultimately we all die alone. Whether one dies physically alone or surrounded by friends and family, one always takes that last step on their own.
Nobody's coming with you.

 

[misshathaway]

I've been there at the moment of death or within 24 hours of it for both parents and one friend. When they were about to die they detached from everything. They were still aware that I was there but they didn't seem to need me to be there. I think the saying "Everybody dies alone" is true.

 

[socca]

Dying sucks, whether alone or not. I'd rather concentrate on living well than dying well. That said, heading into the wilderness to die alone peacefully and then letting the animals scavenge my remains is attractive. Unfortunately, thanks to overpopulation and overdevelopment true wilderness is difficult to come by these days.

 

[gayl]

What about your adopted family ?
Maybe they could be there since you are not relying on your blood family ?

Or are you saying adopted children are as good as being childfree ?

as someone who adopted 3 kids, I don't think that's what he was saying. Not in his boat but I wonder about a friend who is estranged from her only son. I've been there at both parents and my eldest son's death and hope that I won't die alone (I'm single)

 

[RobbieB]

One of the reasons I'm getting re-married is to not die alone. Mondo depressing.

 

[Sunset]

Dying sucks, whether alone or not. I'd rather concentrate on living well than dying well. That said, heading into the wilderness to die alone peacefully and then letting the animals scavenge my remains is attractive. Unfortunately, thanks to overpopulation and overdevelopment true wilderness is difficult to come by these days.

The animals won't wait until you are dead to fight over and tear out as much as they can, sort of like relatives hovering over the rich Uncle..

 

[mystang52]

as someone who adopted 3 kids, I don't think that's what he was saying. Not in his boat but I wonder about a friend who is estranged from her only son. I've been there at both parents and my eldest son's death and hope that I won't die alone (I'm single)

DW did not have a good relationship with her mother. Her mother died "alone," presuming you don't count the in-house hospice nurse. At least a few days prior her mother had at least some of her senses. DW still w*rks, and decided not to take off to fly down to Florida. She didn't mourn her mother's death.
Not for this thread, and it would be very lengthy anyway, but my mother in law did achieve what she wanted.

 

[imoldernu]

One of the major reasons for moving to our CCRC was to stay in a social circle.
The 50% quote from the article was a major consideration.

Strong social relationships boost a person’s chances of staying alive by 50 percent, according to a comprehensive 2010 review of 148 studies that followed 309,000 people for an average of 7.5 years. That’s about the same improvement to mortality as the one that comes from quitting smoking.

 

[MRG]

The animals won't wait until you are dead to fight over and tear out as much as they can, sort of like relatives hovering over the rich Uncle..

Yeah. I'm guessing having magpies and crows picking out your eyeballs isn't as much fun as it sounds!

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

What about your adopted family ?
Maybe they could be there since you are not relying on your blood family ?

Or are you saying adopted children are as good as being childfree ?

Uh..kinda confused with your questions. I am not adopted, just that my blood family is VERY small and there aren't many of us still around.

Also, not sure about the correlation between adopted children and being childfree (or childless) as I am describing is dying without children of my own (adopted or otherwise)...more specifically, dying without heirs.

Very good points on the fact that we will most likely all die alone...but I am more discussing the dying process...and how that could suck if it's a long, drawn out process (such as my Mom who had COPD and dementia and was in hospice for a year) with no friends or family around.

I very much understand that we shouldn't rely 100% on friends or family to be around when we die. I have had *that* conversation 100x over with folks that don't understand our decision to not have kids (they love to say stuff like, "Who will take care of you when you get old?!?")

 

[pablo]

This is a very sad and sobering subject to consider. Each time I've witnessed friends or family members going through extended and sometimes painful endings to their lives I have resolved to make sure not to let that happen to me. Even in cases where they weren't 'alone' they were endured the worst misery. But short of a 'Final Exit' type of situation - what would I actually do for myself if it came to it? I don't know.

 

[RunningBum]

One of the reasons I'm getting re-married is to not die alone. Mondo depressing.

I'd rather die alone than get in another bad marriage. Of course the best is to be in a good marriage, but looking for get married for the purpose of not being alone is likely to lead to a bad decision by me.

 

[FIREd]

Ultimately we all die alone. Whether one dies physically alone or surrounded by friends and family, one always takes that last step on their own.
Nobody's coming with you.

That's how I see it too. And even if one has a big family, there is still no guarantee that one won't face death alone, especially if it is sudden.

Now being lonely in old age is far sadder and terrifying than dying alone in my opinion... But there again, kids or family may not be the crutch that some expect them to be. My grandmother was quite lonely in her later years despite having a pretty good size family nearby (the kids had to work and could not be there for her all the time). She was homebound and refused any form of communal living arrangement. My mom is quite lonely as well - single, few friends, attached to her home, I live very far (but try to call as often as possible), my sister lives down the street but does not have a good relationship with mom, etc... I feel quite sad for her and I can see her get bitterer with age.

 

[Sojourner]

As an unmarried, child-free guy, I obviously have some concerns about this potential (hopefully, distant) future situation. But I think to some degree, it's all kind of a crap shoot and a bit of a non-issue.

No one knows under what circumstances death will come or how quickly it will happen. If you develop a chronic, fatal illness, then you're likely to be surrounded by a least one or two close friends or relatives (siblings, nieces, nephews, etc.) near the very end. And as misshathaway pointed out, in the last few minutes you are likely to be so out of it you won't even know they're there. If, OTOH, death comes suddenly and unexpectedly, then of course you probably won't have anyone right there with you. But you won't know and won't have time to think about it or regret it.

Personally, I have a much greater fear of being relegated to a long-term care facility due to the ravages of something like dementia and spending my final years essentially alone and forgotten about by everyone I cared about. The moment of death itself, or the final few hours prior, would almost be like a welcome release in a situation like that.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

This is a very sad and sobering subject to consider. Each time I've witnessed friends or family members going through extended and sometimes painful endings to their lives I have resolved to make sure not to let that happen to me. Even in cases where they weren't 'alone' they were endured the worst misery. But short of a 'Final Exit' type of situation - what would I actually do for myself if it came to it? I don't know.

And there are ZERO guarantees when it comes to "making" that exit decision. I would love to know that it's MY choice, but I know better. I am sitting at the desk ALONE right now and could very well have a stroke and become incapacitated. Yes, I have an advanced directive that *should* protect me if I am "up the creek" but circumstances could dictate that I would be required to "hang around" for an extended period. And this type of situation could be greatly exasperated if there are no friends or family (or at least an advocate) to steer me into the direction I wanted to go.

Personally, I have a much greater fear of being relegated to a long-term care facility due to the ravages of something like dementia and spending my final years essentially alone and forgotten about by everyone I cared about. The moment of death itself, or the final few hours prior, would almost be like a welcome release in a situation like that.

Yes...this is MY primary concern, as well.

 

[misanman]

Not exactly dying, but I'm reminded of family members and friends who have faced some serious health issue and have had family that were advocates for them as they faced treatment related issues, helping to navigate the system and to secure the kind of treatment that was required.

More than once I've commented about how difficult this must be when there is no one to go to bat for you.

I think that securing suitable LTC when needed is a similar issue. What happens if there is no "advocate"?

 

[stepford]

This dovetails well with the cheery suicide post from the other day. DW and I are childfree and the youngest of our various blood relatives. Furthermore my family is generally longer lived than hers. So guess who wins the lucky die alone prize.

Basically my assumption has always been that I will enjoy the hell out of the next few decades with DW (the whole reason for ER) and then care for her when the time comes... and then hopefully have enough wherewithal to do what's necessary for myself.

 

[JoeWras]

Yeah. I'm guessing having magpies and crows picking out your eyeballs isn't as much fun as it sounds!

Or how about state assigned guardians? See other thread.

Man, this is getting depressing.

 

[exnavynuke]

I agree with the sentiment above that dying alone I don't think would bother me much, but becoming a "ward of the state" due to my mind/body falling apart, would be terrible imo.

 

[JoeWras]

I agree with the sentiment above that dying alone I don't think would bother me much, but becoming a "ward of the state" due to my mind/body falling apart, would be terrible imo.

Got that right. The guardian-elder-abuse thread is scary enough.

But then there are state run homes. My grandfather was in one in the early 80s, and I can say that it was truly hell on earth. As a young man of 18 or 19, I couldn't believe my eyes, and images, sounds and smells are seared in my memory of hell forever. The picture of urine dripping off the nice lady's chair. Or most disturbingly, the zombie-like gentleman beseeching me to get him the hell out of there, grabbing and reaching at me while he cried out.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

Or how about state assigned guardians? See other thread.

Man, this is getting depressing.

Well, the title of the thread should have told you that it wouldn't be a wonderful discussion!

But yes, the "other thread" is what gave me pause when I was thinking about posting this or not.