Getting divorced: he partly blames RE dreams

[Marathoner]

I am still in a bit of a shock, but until 2 weeks ago I thought I had a wonderful marriage to a man who shared my beliefs and outlook on life.

That all changed when he told me he'd been having an affair for the past 2 weeks with a coworker and was divorcing me to be with her! I thought he was joking at first, but he was serious. He is throwing away a good 10 year marriage for a 2 week fling, and not willing to try to save the relationship.

I know he's making a huge mistake, but I must carry on and figure out what's wrong with me that I'd even consider staying with a cheater.

Anyway, the only complaint he had about me was that I think too much about the future. We'd discussed FIRE and he always told me he wanted to do so, but now he's told me that he really likes his job, is planning on working 60 hours per week for the rest of his life.

I am only in my early 30s, so I know I will come out just fine. I just know that divorce is one of the worst things that can happen to one's finances. Lots of changes on the horizon, and I hope I can still find a way to FIRE.

 

[Meadbh]

Oh cr*p! He doesn't deserve you. Looking back to your intro thread, I see he is an MD. Someone needs to knock some sense into him. Have you broken the news to your family and his? What about counselling?

 

[W2R]

I'm so sorry, Marathoner. I hope he comes to his senses soon. To me this sounds like some sort of cuckoo midlife crisis.

 

[toofrugalformycat]

My condolences, Marathoner. I hope you have friends (in addition to the people on this board) to go on long walks and talks with, but even more importantly I hope you can find a good counselor to work this out in your own mind. People are weird.

 

[obgyn65]

Sorry to read this. Take care.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Sucks. Good luck--take care of yourself. You are young and will recover from this.

 

[omni550]

Sorry to hear this, Marathoner. It's very tough to get blindsided by his behavior and decision to divorce.

I wish you all the best.

omni

 

[Marathoner]

Oh cr*p! He doesn't deserve you. Looking back to your intro thread, I see he is an MD. Someone needs to knock some sense into him. Have you broken the news to your family and his? What about counselling?

Yes. He had dreams of going to med school but didn't think he could do it. I showed him how we could make that happen, and I supported him through applying for school, school, residency, 1.5 years of fellowship, paid at least $70k of his student loans as well as all living expenses since I had a good job.

And now, 6 months away from making a doctor's salary, and with me losing my job in March, he pulls this. He doesn't want to pay me any alimony since it was my choice to support him through school, and if he pays me anything, he's just enabling me to not work as hard as I could. Blech.

It's like aliens have invaded his brain. This is not the man I've known for so long.

We did go to counseling once, but his mind is made up to divorce, and at this point, I wouldn't take him back. They're off looking at apartments to sublet right now so he's planning on moving out of the house by the end of the week.

toofrugal -- I do have a ton of support, both in real life and online, which has been very helpful. He has no friends and no family, just his new girlfriend. I can't even really be angry with him because I pity him too much.

everyone else -- thanks for the kind wishes. I know I will get through this and be stronger for it.

 

[Meadbh]

Wow. After this it will be very difficult for you to trust any man again. I certainly couldn't.

Now get yourself a good lawyer, and sue the bastard for all he's (going to be) worth.

 

[arebelspy]

Lawyer up.

Sorry this happened. =/

 

[73ss454]

Sorry for the bad news. I hope you stay stong, torture him and take him for a beatiing $ wise.

 

[RunningBum]

Sorry to hear about this, marathoner. It's likely you'll hit some of the lowest points of your life in the next few months. Fortunately it'll get better, though be prepared for setbacks.

As far as him not wanting to pay alimony, well, that's not too relevant to what will really happen if you get a decent lawyer. Good luck!

 

[WhoDaresWins]

Lawyer up.

Sorry this happened. =/

+1

Just keep in mind, the problem is him, not you. I believe you will be better off going forward in life as he does not deserve you.

I think a case can be made for receiving a percentage of his income for life since you supported him through med school. Fifty percent sounds like a good round number to me.

 

[audreyh1]

Hi Marathoner.

Well, that really stinks. But if it's any consolation, it's better to have this happen in your early 30s rather than later. I went through a divorce at 28 that left my savings at 0 and me carrying a mortgage alone. But that was early enough still to recover completely financially, find someone who shared my financial point of view, and still retire early.

When I think back on it, I am just very thankful that I got out of that relationship so early. It also helped me grow up .

Audrey

 

[tightasadrum]

Sorry to hear about this. I've heard this wife-funds-doctor-education-then-leaves story before. Your age is in your favor, although the loss of job is a problem. I've been married now for over 36 years. I sure wouldn't want to start over. But you're much young. Better you find out now instead of 20-30 years from now. Want to take any bets on how long the new one lasts?

 

[audreyh1]

The scenario where a spouse helps finance a doctor through medical school, and then the supporting spouse is dumped just before the career is launched is actually a fairly common one. It even happened to a cousin of mine. This probably happens often enough that the lawyers have figured out pretty well how to handle it.......

 

[BTravlin]

I too am sorry to hear you're having to deal with this. Do you have children? I sincerely hope not as you will be tied to him for years to come if you do.

I would start documenting all of your assets & debts immediately before things start disappearing. Make copies of all statements: bank accounts, credit cards, investments, etc. You have to protect yourself and your future because you now know he's just looking out for himself.

 

[REWahoo]

... he's planning on moving out of the house by the end of the week.

It is difficult for me to understand why you haven't helped him along with this process by moving his things outside the front door.

 

[travelover]

My condolences. My 27 year starter marriage ended 12 years ago and I think my desire for an early retirement was a catalyst.

That said, things get better with time and new opportunities arise from the ashes. You will find someone that will make you happier than you ever thought you could ever be - but it takes time.

Most flings are designed to be destructive of the marriage - he has real no intention of a long term relationship with this person. Sometimes it is easier to smash the marriage than to merely leave it.

Hold your head high, act honorably, and accept that you are moving on to a new reality.

 

[Marathoner]

Thanks, everyone. I haven't contributed much to this forum over the months, though I do lurk daily so I feel like I know you, and your supportive comments are welcomed. I am grateful for them even though I have so few comments on the board!

To answer a few questions, no we don't have children, and for that I am grateful. I hope that once this is over I'm done with him forever. However, he keeps talking about how he still loves me so much and wants to help me out and hopes that I'll be there for him if he needs a sounding board. Are you kidding me?

My friends and family are taking bets as to how long this will last. Unfortunately, since he doesn't have any friends, it's unlikely that I will hear about it unless it happens before the divorce is final or if he comes crawling back at some point. I guess I will just have to use my imagination

I halfway expect him to come crawling back, which is why I am telling my real life friends and family about what's going on. That way, I'll be peer-pressured into not taking him back.

Only two weeks out, this is still so surreal. His behavior has been so strange, I never would have suspected he could do this. I do hope that I'm not scarred for life, but I am going to spend some time being single, finding myself, and will be very careful before entering into another relationship! I thought I hit the jackpot with him, and I'm not sure how he managed to fool me for so long.

Thanks again!

 

[73ss454]

His behavior has been so strange, I never would have suspected he could do this.

Men have a knack for thinking with the wrong head.

 

[audreyh1]

Boy, Marathoner, your story is sounding so familiar. I went through a similar experience with my ex (though I hadn't subsidized his education, thank goodness!). I think I figured out later that he had reached a point where he wanted a different kind of life, and really didn't know how to go about it, and getting involved with someone else from work (we worked at the same place -arrgh!) was a way of just forcing a change, even though he seemed generally clueless. We were also childless, thank goodness.

I focused on myself. I continued the counseling sessions on my own, focused on how to make better decisions about relationships and personal choices and what I really wanted for my own life. It ended up being a period of great personal growth and really, I got rid of what turned out to be a real drag on my quality of life.

Yes, my ex wanted to "maintain the friendship" somehow. Ridiculous. I think at some level he wanted to experiment, but still have the safety net of the relationship to come back to. Hah! It's laughable now. Trust gone. Respect gone. I wasn't so sanguine at the time, I assure you. But at least I knew he was illogical and being very immature, and I had better take care of myself and my own future!

You know when the divorce was final, I think he was quite shocked. He had been kind of attempting to reconnect (which I ignored), and I think he was in denial that I had truly moved on. Somehow he just didn't expect that. I don't think we ever knew each other very well mostly due to our immaturity.

I wish you the best. You owe him nothing; don't let him tell you otherwise.

Audrey

 

[braumeister]

I halfway expect him to come crawling back, which is why I am telling my real life friends and family about what's going on. That way, I'll be peer-pressured into not taking him back.

Only two weeks out, this is still so surreal. His behavior has been so strange, I never would have suspected he could do this. I do hope that I'm not scarred for life, but I am going to spend some time being single, finding myself, and will be very careful before entering into another relationship! I thought I hit the jackpot with him, and I'm not sure how he managed to fool me for so long.

Very sorry to hear about this, but you're obviously much smarter than he is, so you'll be fine.

As has been said, find a good lawyer (ask everyone you know for referrals, then pick the one you can work with best). Now is the time for a cool head and lots of planning. Best of luck!

 

[travelover]

I never would have suspected he could do this.

The person that you divorce is not the same person that you married. People change, some go a little crazy.

 

[Moemg]

So sorry to hear about your divorce !