Gift Acknowledgements -- Care or Don't Care?

[PawPrint53]

My son married a woman with two children so, for the past three years, I have had two grandchildren. The oldest, a 23 year old boy who is in the Navy, I've only met once at Christmas a couple of years ago. My DGD is 20 and lives in the same city, and I see her more frequently and have done things with her. I give both of them money for their birthdays and once gave them $250 each (along with my kids and their SOs). Unless I am face-to-face with them, I never get a thank you text, email, card, etc., no acknowledgement whatsoever.

It kind of bothers me. But I hesitate to say anything because the relationship with one is pretty nonexistent and tenuous, though okay, with the other. Still, it bothers me so I think, should I quit giving them gifts or just suck it up and realize they are never going to acknowledge the gift? I need to do something because it niggles at me. Anyone else have this issue?

 

[DFDubb]

Stop giving them gifts. They're too old and it's got to be WAY more awkward for them than it is for you. You have to understand that you're closer to them then they are you. You even refer to them as your grandchildren, but these are not your grand kids. For them, you're the mother of a guy that their mom married after they had already been raised.

I came from a broken/split home. My family was my family, the family of my step dad, not so much. Even after 30 years it's not the same.

 

[braumeister]

Stop giving them gifts. They're too old and it's got to be WAY more awkward for them than it is for you.

I agree.
For one thing, how would they thank you? For young people that age, even email is hopelessly old fashioned and they are probably not very comfortable using it. Forget about a phone call or letter to thank you. They don't know quite what to do, so they just let it drop, assuming you did it just because you wanted to, not because they asked for it.

 

[GravitySucks]

I like a call or a text acknowledging they received or appreciate the gift. I don't expect a hand written card from anything anymore. Not do I send them.
I'm out of gifts for a few people. One acknowledged that she got my present by telling me I miss speller her name on the envelop. The other no notice they even got the packages.

 

[PawPrint53]

You even refer to them as your grandchildren, but these are not your grand kids.

My son adopted the girl and will adopt the boy when he gets back to the U.S. They refer to him as their Dad, and my DGD refers to me as Grandma so it's a bit different than your family.

I've always referred to my stepdaughters as my daughters and my DH refers to my sons as his sons. I guess each family is different, but we don't have any distinctions between biological and blended.

 

[Amethyst]

Don't give them any more gifts. They don't appreciate them. There just is no other way to put it.

A little kid takes gifts for granted, but a young adult usually has enough sense of social obligation to find a way to thank someone for a nice present. You don't expect a flowery thank-you, maybe just a few words, but something.

These young adults don't even text a quick "Thx for the cash!"? Teenagers of my acquaintance text thank-you's all the time.

 

[Aerides]

Since they were both 17/20 when they technically became your grandkids, it's a little different than if they were say 7/10.

Either way they are both old enough to know better. Does their mother, your DIL, acknowledge gifts or is she the same? Basic manners.

Yes, it should bother you, I'd be bothered. A handwritten note is not a reasonable expectation, but an email or text at minimum.

Dial back the gifts, send a card, and not a mushy one.

 

[harley]

DW gets really upset that Son-in-Law and her nephews don't ever acknowledge our gifts. I don't worry about it so much, but I keep telling her that if it bothers her, just quit giving them anything. They're all adults and don't need them. DD and DGD (12) both make sure to say thanks, either directly, via phone call, or at minimum a text message. DD even sends thank you cards and makes DGD do so also. Not always in a timely fashion, but at least soon enough to keep the pipeline open.

 

[Moemg]

We added a new DIL this year .I always buy the DIL's Christmas and birthday presents , She has never acknowledged my presents so no more.

 

[RAE]

Don't give them any more gifts. They don't appreciate them. There just is no other way to put it.

+1, totally agree with Amethyst.

 

[Gumby]

+1, totally agree with Amethyst.

With great respect to you and Amethyst, I give gifts to young family members because that's what I want to do. I am happy to be in a position to do it, whether or not the recipients ever acknowledge the gift.

 

[SheitlQueen]

Quit with the gifts. If they can't be polite enough to thank you, it's obvious they must not think much of them. Or you either.

 

[RAE]

With great respect to you and Amethyst, I give gifts to young family members because that's what I want to do. I am happy merely to be in a position to do it, whether or not the recipients ever acknowledge the gift.

OK. For me personally, giving a gift to someone that does not even acknowledge the gift (particularly a young person) only helps teach that person that it's fine (and perfectly normal) to accept gifts from others without even saying "thank you". It shouldn't be normal. I was always taught that the least you can do when someone gives you something is to show your appreciation by saying thank you. If you fail to even do that, it says something about your character as a person.

 

[Ready]

Giving cash gifts to grown adults seems a little out of touch to me. If you are close to them and know of something they might enjoy it's fine, but cash is kind of impersonal, and at their age it's probably not appropriate.

 

[Gumby]

OK. For me personally, giving a gift to someone that does not even acknowledge the gift (particularly a young person) only helps teach that person that it's fine (and perfectly normal) to accept gifts from others without even saying "thank you". It shouldn't be normal. I was always taught that the least you can do when someone gives you something is to show your appreciation by saying thank you. If you fail to even do that, it says something about your character as a person.

You are quite correct; it should be normal to show your appreciation by saying thank you. Some of my young relatives do, but not all. If I were their parent, I might be saddened that I had not taught the latter appropriately, but I am not. In any event, I choose to be happy with the giving alone.

 

[Souschef]

Giving cash gifts to grown adults seems a little out of touch to me. If you are close to them and know of something they might enjoy it's fine, but cash is kind of impersonal, and at their age it's probably not appropriate.

YMMV. Most grown kids have what they want, but I am splitting my RMD among our 4 sons. I feel they can use the money now instead of when I punch out.

 

[Jerry1]

With great respect to you and Amethyst, I give gifts to young family members because that's what I want to do. I am happy to be in a position to do it, whether or not the recipients ever acknowledge the gift.

I'm in agreement with Gumby. It is sad that writing thank you letters/cards is a lost art (though one of my DD's took it up and does send physical cards - yes they do still exist). However, as the giver, you have to give because you want to - no other reason. While you may not get a thank you, I can assure you they appreciate it. At one point in my life, my DMIL would give me $50 at Christmas. I didn't need $50 and she didn't need to give me anything. All was good. But I can assure you, I slid that $50 in my pocket with a smile. Of course, I thanked her because she was physically right there.

 

[travelover]

Every case is different, but in my experience, many in the generation of about age 20 to 40 do not say thank you and do not appreciate gifts. They expect then and know they deserve them, but do not feel obliged to say thank you unless it is immediate and in person and their mother is present.... and even then it is half-hearted.

I continue to give gifts because if you turn off the tap due to a lack of courtesy and gratitude , you are the bad guy. So, fork out the money and bite your lip.

Of course there are exceptions and those young folks are to be commended.

 

[Aiming_4_55]

It kind of bothers me.

If it bother's you, perhaps that's your answer.

Perhaps at the next birthday, send a card only, ask how things are going with the military and that it's a great service to our country and adulthood.

As for my family, the traditional holidays or birthdays gifts ($50ish) when we're in person, always the verbal thank you and hug; or the phone call during the event as a family. For some of the individual celebrations, i.e. graduations, housewarming, weddings...aka larger gifts amounts $100 for high school graduations, $250 for college graduations, etc. always get a handwritten card in the mail after the in person verbal/hug. It's what we do in our family. Sure some of it might be the parent reminding the kids to write Thank you notes.

I only have a few older nephews, age 24 or older or out of college. I usually only send a holiday card and that stops if we don't receive a holiday card or email after a few years.

My observation or awkwardness is when the older nephews, over 24 and gainfully employed, but not gifting anything to the smaller cousins, say under age 10. Generally a $10 gift earns a big smile and hug from the little ones. Perhaps I have high expectations.

 

[Scuba]

I think it depends whether you actually want to give gifts to them or not. If you’re only doing it because you feel obligated, then stop. But if you truly want to do it, I’d continue, but next time, I’d text the recipient a few days after I think they should have received it and ask them if they got it. Hopefully at that point they will thank you and perhaps you could gently coach them into being more proactive with thank you’s even if only by text.

 

[Amethyst]

That's your choice and I respect it.

With great respect to you and Amethyst, I give gifts to young family members because that's what I want to do. I am happy to be in a position to do it, whether or not the recipients ever acknowledge the gift.

 

[Amethyst]

While I cannot argue with someone else's observations, my own observations of this age group have been somewhat different. Granted, many (though not all) of them are based on work experience.

Somehow, even the youngest people in a workplace seem to know how to say "thank you" for help or favors. I think it would be interesting to know if they are as quick to thank relatives...or if they maybe take relatives' kindness for granted, compared with their benefactors at work.

As for being seen as the "bad guy," why would one care how one is seen by people who don't appreciate one? *They,* the recipients, get to keep score, but the giver doesn't? Just wondering.

Every case is different, but in my experience, many in the generation of about age 20 to 40 do not say thank you and do not appreciate gifts. They expect then and know they deserve them, but do not feel obliged to say thank you unless it is immediate and in person and their mother is present.... and even then it is half-hearted.

I continue to give gifts because if you turn off the tap due to a lack of courtesy and gratitude , you are the bad guy. So, fork out the money and bite your lip.

Of course there are exceptions and those young folks are to be commended.

 

[Bestwifeever]

I don’t really notice any more if I don’t get thanked; as long as I know the gift was received so I don’t have to go chasing it down, I’m okay with it. BUT I do notice every single sweet sincere thank you I might be lucky enough to receive.

I think the OP should mention to the son about the lack of thank you’s and then let it go. Like Gumby, I would still send the gifts regardless, as we may never know how important it is to the grandchildren that someone cares enough to send them, but it is totally up to the OP and understandable if you choose to stop sending them.

 

[ncbill]

All our kids acknowledge gifts with a thank you, usually written, sometimes with a phone call.

Because we make them do so.

 

[jollystomper]

to the OP, since this has gone on a long time, and given their ages, I would agree with those who say stop giving gifts. Still acknowledge the event with a card.

The effort to say "thank you" is is much less than the effort it took to to prepare and send the gift. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

DW and I give gifts to our nieces and nephews and their kids, ranging in age from early 40's down to 3. We have always gotten some time of acknowledgement - phone call, letter, text message, picture. For the younger ones, the parents teach them to acknowledge gifts.

It is fine to make your kids acknowledge gifts. That is how they learn. If they are not taught... well, IMHO it falls into the "were they raised by wolves?" category.