Girlfriend of 8 yrs wants to get married...and I don't

You don't trust her enough to marry her but you trusted her enough to bring kids into the world.

I don't get it.
 
Some of y'all might get part time work as volunteer preachers. What do any of us know about this that should make us feel qualified to give advice?

Life is always getting messed up. It's a human curse. But at the same time it's a human blessing to be able endure and sometimes even smile through all the sorrow.

Anyway, Fed isn't here for advice, he is here for entertainment (His and ours). And I must say that he is pretty good in that very important role. :)

Ha
 
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From your earlier thread about not being able to find peace, fed, I think you're at a weird time in your emotional life (maybe a quarter/third life crisis). That could be affecting all your decisions right now. Agree with Martha and others about counseling--alone for now.
 
Counseling, for sure.

fed, you clearly have a long term relationship that appears worth salvaging, and I would argue the kids are a consideration. I probably do not need to tell you what happens to father's access to kids in most divorce/separation scenarios. So I would suggest that you put good faith effort into counseling and perhaps also spend some time by yourself (not at work) really thinking about this before you make any decisions.

When DW and I got married, we had been engaged for 3 years. I frankly didn't much care whether we were married, engaged, whatever, so long as I was with her. You might give some thought about whether you want to be with her (and the kids) and act accordingly.
 
TheFed, you are a very brave guy to discuss this at a site where so many people are known to keep shotguns handy.

Whatever you decide, keep on posting here, you have some "family" here as well and we love you all the more for sharing.

P.S. there is some very good advise on this thread but it isn't counseling.
 
CuppaJoe said:
TheFed, you are a very brave guy to discuss this at a site where so many people are known to keep shotguns handy.

Whatever you decide, keep on posting here, you have some "family" here as well and we love you all the more for sharing.

P.S. there is some very good advise on this thread but it isn't counseling.
Click to expand...

Hey, I finally learned why his screen name is "thefed"...........:eek:
 
haha said:
Some of y'all might get part time work as volunteer preachers. What do any of us know about this that should make us feel qualified to give advice?

Life is always getting messed up. It's a human curse. But at the same time it's a human blessing to be able endure and sometimes even smile through all the sorrow.

Anyway, Fed isn't here for advice, he is here for entertainment (His and ours). And I must say that he is pretty good in that very important role. :)

Ha
Click to expand...

:cool::cool::cool:

In my opinion, the above is the only post that is worth considering.:D
 
thefed said:
im a very anti-establishment,anti-NORM person. its the NORM to get a 9-5job and work for a living. i didnt do that. its the NORM for people to get married in our situation. instead i see it as 1) a religious tradition that serves no purpose but to make one/both parties feel secure...remember that im not religious 2) a financial agreement
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Marriage isn't a financial arrangement, it's a legal one. The purpose is to be one legal unit, not separate entities. As for the religious aspect, I've never cared about what other people think. But it looks like that matters to your GF, because she said she's living a lie. That only matters to other people, not the 2 of you.

But when it come to kids I think a legal marriage is important.

You tell us you have issues besides the "expected norm" and religion aspects. You have not forgiven her and you don't trust her right now or in the future. And on top of that you are suspicious that she got you into your legal trouble and that she cheated another time.

I can't imagine getting married to someone that I didn't trust completely. I can't imagine living with someone that I had ongoing suspicions about old events.

From her point of view I wouldn't want to marry someone who was only doing it to shut me up. I wouldn't want to marry a man who suspected that I would turn against him. I wouldn't want to marry a man who hadn't forgiven me for an affair, even when I had told the whole truth, promised I would never do it again, and apologized.

Fed, if you have any hope of making this a lifelong married commitment, you need to heal yourself first. If you love her completely, you need to forgive her completely. She and the kids are a package deal. You obviously have a lifelong commitment to them.

If you look at this as her cornering you into a wedding you're only going to feel like a kid who needs to rebel - "You can't make me do it!" But if you look at it as becoming a better father and partner, a better man who can love a woman for who she is right now (a loving partner and mother) rather than who she was when you both screwed up, it will be a step in the right direction. You may just become a person who WANTS to get married, because it's the best thing to do for the family.

Don't decide right now if you'll get married, but open up yourself to making the commitment to her. But toss the baggage first. And FORGIVE.

And another vote for counseling. Do it just for yourself.
 
haha said:
Anyway, Fed isn't here for advice, he is here for entertainment (His and ours). And I must say that he is pretty good in that very important role. :)

Ha
Click to expand...

Are you SURE about that? There's enough apparent truth mixed into this story to make me wonder...

You just brought a new baby home a few months ago. Maybe you're just feeling trapped by all your new responsibilities. My advice would be to echo what others have said about seeking solo counseling.
 
ProspectiveBum said:
Are you SURE about that? There's enough apparent truth mixed into this story to make me wonder...
Click to expand...

I don't doubt the truth of any of this. Fed has been on the boards a long time. He gets something from being here, but it isn't advice. If you doubt this go back and read some old dramas, the advice given, and Fed's course of action. Simple things like house wiring are in a different category

Actually, I respect him for this.

Ha
 
Fed, there's a lot of good advice here, especially the advice that asks you to take a step back and really think about your behavior and activities. I'm with DangerMouse, too, I think counseling is in order -- you're in a bit of a tangle.

The question that arises for me is: What is it that you're afraid of? In my experience, being engaged/living together is NOT the same as being married, even if the day-to-day stuff is identical. It's the difference between feeling like you can walk at any time and being bound to try to work it out. It's a PUBLIC difference -- your living together / engagement is just between the two of you, but getting married is where you stand up in front of your larger society (even if it is just the JP or a Vegas elopement) and say, out loud, that you promise to commit to this person and this marriage, and to do what it takes to make it a success. It's where you take responsibility for the partnership, not just for your own life, but for someone else's too.

Both you and your girlfriend/fiancee seem to be aware of this difference, or you wouldn't be fighting over whether or not to get married.

So maybe this conflict isn't really over whether or not to get married -- maybe this conflict is over whether or not you're equal partners in your relationship. Your comment about needing "control" also leads me to think this.

Get thee to a counselor, friend. It might also make sense for you to go alone, too, so that you can speak freely to someone who isn't emotionally involved with you. I think it's OK to have the feelings you're having -- but when they get in the way of your life, of a committed and stable relationship (with this woman or someone else) -- then they're in control, not you. I hope you find what you need to work it out.
 
what a nightmare. but at least you might be starting to wake up and recognizing that you have just been living in your sleep, sleeping through your life. as you rub your eyes, in seeking counsel, explore just what it is about you that got you here. find the pattern & its cause(s) so that you can either break through or, if you can not (and there is no shame in that), learn to work better within it. otherwise you are bound to repeat bad habits over and over again as they lull you back to sleep.

as to relationships, i will only add to what's been said that love has little positive applicable value to a shared relationship without trust. whether we trust empirically or in faith, trust is the transformer of love. with trust, love offers hope and happiness but without trust, love becomes hatred at worst or sadness at best.

Texarkandy said:
If you split-up & she finds another guy, don't plan on seeing, being with, interacting, etc with your kids as much as you might think - despite what the court order may say...
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my personal experience with this is just the opposite. from very early, i consciously did my part to try to maintain a good relationship with my father over many years (& my mother encouraged this even when i would become disappointed), but he was never a very giving guy and so did not do his part. after years of this one-sided relationship, i'd had enough of being slighted. our mutual loss has been his fault alone.
 
haha said:
. He gets something from being here, but it isn't advice. If you doubt this go back and read some old dramas, the advice given, and Fed's course of action. Simple things like house wiring are in a different category
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I missed that thread...did he get electrocuted? :eek: Like my grandpa used to say...why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free ;)
 
Urchina said:
So maybe this conflict isn't really over whether or not to get married -- maybe this conflict is over whether or not you're equal partners in your relationship. Your comment about needing "control" also leads me to think this.
Click to expand...

Very insightful.

So much good information here, Texarkandy's long post was excellent as are many others.

I better stop before I write an entire page...

-ERD50
 
maddythebeagle said:
I missed that thread...did he get electrocuted? :eek: Like my grandpa used to say...why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free ;)
Click to expand...

AKA, why buy the cow when you can milk it through the fence?
 
I'd often felt that a man without a woman was like a neck without a pain. - Kinky Friedman

God Bless Us All:angel:
 
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