Girlfriend of 8 yrs wants to get married...and I don't

thefed · 06-11-2008, 09:27 PM

Well, here's another one of thefed's problems. ive been with my gf for 8 yrs...with a 6 month separation about 4 years ago. she left me because i was,admittedly, a day-to-day selfish a$$. BUT she certainly deceived me and was sleeping with a man while still sleeping in my house. i didnt even see it coming. over the next 6 months, we both realized our mistakes, mended the relationship, and moved on. we now have 2 kids (3 and 3mos), live in the same house,etc.

Well, i did propose to her 2 yrs ago...but thinking back, i almost felt FORCED to do so...pressure from our families,her,etc....it basically shut everyone up for a while....but now the pressure is back on....from her.

i dont want a conventional religious church ceremony,because im not into that. she does, but we settled on a vegas trip/wedding/honeymoon. a year ago i agreed we'd do it this fall. well, as fall apporoaches, i have COLD feet. I DONT want to do it, ive pissed her off because she 'feels like shes been living a lie'...

well, why dont i want to marry her? I honestly just cant forgive her for what she did. although i was not good at being in a relationship at the time, i NEVER deliberately did anything that would hurt her...it was unintentional,self-absorbed, greed-driven emotional absence.

i also suspect she had some part or knowledge of a certain event in my life that will affect me for ever. long story short, my illegal lifestyle at the time resulted in large sums of cash stashed around the house. shortly after she moved out, people I KNOW she mingled with attempted to rob me, police were involved, i am now a felon. LONG story VERY short. I dont WANT to believe she was a part of it, but i think her big mouth started things in motion. I cant forgive that. she swears she had nothing to do with it. i also suspect she slept with a second person while we were separated, someone i knew...but denies it. she'd never admit it, and i wont ever forget it...so its a stalemate

i also want a pre-nup, which she takes halfheartedly. i dont want her to be able to pull one over on me nect year or 10 years down the road. I dont THINK she would, but i didnt THINK she'd sleep with some guy while still residing in my/our home...nor did I have the slightest idea she'd have all her stuff moved out when she did...I was BLINDSIDED. I have significant assets for my age and want them protected. she alwasy said 'yeah, we can do a pre-nup" but now that im discussing details it aint going so well.

all in all, i feel not marrying her is my last bit of 'control' over the situation. i dont DISTRUST her now...not at all....but its the fear of the unknown holding me back

i dont know what to do....everythings fine on a day-to-day basis....until marriage talk comes up....

i even explained that im trying to find MYSELF right now...the whole inner peace thing I posted before...and she laughs at me...literally...saying 'how long is it going to take? we've been engaged for 2 years". i understand her point, but she definately doesnt understand where im at emotionally/spiritually/mentally right now...and that doesnt help

thanks for listening!

Khan · 06-11-2008, 09:29 PM

Have you ever considered birth control?

**REWahoo** · 06-11-2008, 09:29 PM

Don't marry her.

Marquette · 06-11-2008, 09:33 PM

> 'feels like shes been living a lie'...
What's that mean?

At this point, what are either of you missing out by not being married and what happens if you don't go through with it?

Prepared to live with it if you say no and she walks?

Prepared for a lifetime of misery if you go through with it just because you feel pressured?

Are you aware there are several billion females in the world and you could have moved on 4 years ago? Why didn't you? Is that enough to get you to want to marry now?

It's been my experience in life that I generally don't enjoy the things I feel forced to do. Your mileage may vary.

thefed · 06-11-2008, 09:33 PM

i just today asked her WHY it is so important we get married. her answer "its what i want'

me: but WHY?

her: its the right thing todo

me: why so? who says? is what we aredoing wrong??

her: its just right...and its what i want

me: because the church is pressuring you(church she works at PT offered topay for entire wedding,reception,food,etc)? your mom? are you embarrassed...what?

her: no i just want to get married...glad i'm living a lie" and she storms off

thefed · 06-11-2008, 09:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Khan

Have you ever considered birth control?

i love my children with all my heart and they couldnt have a better mother. they were planned.

thefed · 06-11-2008, 09:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marquette

> 'feels like shes been living a lie'...
What's that mean?

At this point, what are either of you missing out by not being married and what happens if you don't go through with it?

Prepared to live with it if you say no and she walks?

Prepared for a lifetime of misery if you go through with it just because you feel pressured?

Are you aware there are several billion females in the world and you could have moved on 4 years ago? Why didn't you? Is that enough to get you to want to marry now?

It's been my experience in life that I generally don't enjoy the things I feel forced to do. Your mileage may vary.

im a very anti-establishment,anti-NORM person. its the NORM to get a 9-5job and work for a living. i didnt do that. its the NORM for people to get married in our situation. instead i see it as 1) a religious tradition that serves no purpose but to make one/both parties feel secure...remember that im not religious 2) a financial agreement

I didnt move one 4 years ago because she IS the woman I want to be with forever...but why do i have to be married to make that happen? I was ill every day without her...my mind body and soul ached. she IS the only one i want. but marriage doesn't seem necessary tome.

Marquette · 06-11-2008, 09:42 PM

Thus the first two questions. If it's very important to her, then is she prepared to walk from the relationship if she doesn't get it? Conversely, are you willing to go through with not getting what you want if that's the only way to keep her?

Beyond that is really semantics.

thefed · 06-11-2008, 09:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marquette

Thus the first two questions. If it's very important to her, then is she prepared to walk from the relationship if she doesn't get it? Conversely, are you willing to go through with not getting what you want if that's the only way to keep her?

Beyond that is really semantics.

Is she prepared to walk? *I* am guessing 95% NO. I will ask.

Am I willing to go thru with it if its 100% the only way to keep her....maybe. Like i said,i DONT like being forced. If she is dumb enough to walk away because everything is perfect EXCEPT that little piece of paper,i might have to let her go. would i regret that decision? likely YES.

thefed · 06-11-2008, 09:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by REWahoo

Don't marry her.

care to elaborate?

Marquette · 06-11-2008, 09:52 PM

Also, you should read between the lines about the religious ceremony. There's a chance that she wants the big to-do more than she cares about the religious part of it...

After planning out a ceremony, we eloped. However, that's a bit of a sore spot whenever there's a big wedding on tv. My wife is glad we skipped it, but she also feels like she missed out.

Tread lightly, there be dragons here.

**REWahoo** · 06-11-2008, 09:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thefed

care to elaborate?

If you aren't 99% sure you want to marry her, and it certainly doesn't sound that way, you shouldn't do it. I'm from the school that says you have to listen to your gut (a combination of thinking with the heart and the other head) and if you don't, you'll likely regret it.

Bottom line, if you have to ask this forum whether or not you should marry her...

DangerMouse · 06-11-2008, 09:57 PM

Sorry Fed, but if you had doubts about her loyalty to her, the time to speak up would have been before you DTD and had two children. Regardless of whether or not she was a blabber mouth and that resulted in your run in with the law, I think the two of you need to have some counselling to resolve the issue and allow you to move on beyond that time in your life. You have had two children together, you need to reach a point where you can forgive her and move on together, or you need to move on as a single man. Sounds like it to me that you could use some impartial counselling to help you resolve the issues.

thefed · 06-11-2008, 10:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DangerMouse

Sorry Fed, but if you had doubts about her loyalty to her, the time to speak up would have been before you DTD and had two children. Regardless of whether or not she was a blabber mouth and that resulted in your run in with the law, I think the two of you need to have some counselling to resolve the issue and allow you to move on beyond that time in your life. You have had two children together, you need to reach a point where you can forgive her and move on together, or you need to move on as a single man. Sounds like it to me that you could use some impartial counselling to help you resolve the issues.

i think some counseling would be a good idea.i'll bring it up.

ERD50 · 06-11-2008, 10:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thefed

well, why dont i want to marry her? I honestly just cant forgive her for what she did.

Ummm, then why did you have two kids with her? If you can't forgive her, then you are saying you can't have a relationship with her, whether that relationship is called 'marriage' or not.

Quote:

all in all, i feel not marrying her is my last bit of 'control' over the situation.

And why is that important?

Quote:

my illegal lifestyle at the time resulted in large sums of cash stashed around the house. shortly after she moved out, people I KNOW she mingled with attempted to rob me, police were involved, i am now a felon. LONG story VERY short. I dont WANT to believe she was a part of it, but i think her big mouth started things in motion. I cant forgive that.

I have heard this rationale before. You are unwilling to take responsibility for your own mistakes. *You* were involved in the illegal activity - but when *you* get ripped off as a result, it wasn't your fault, oh no! - it was 'her fault' for having a big mouth! And you can't forgive her. You are a big man fed (satire). geez. Grow up.

Quote:

she definately doesnt understand where im at emotionally/spiritually/mentally right now...

Or maybe she does?

Quote:

she left me because i was,admittedly, a day-to-day selfish a$$.

Sorry fed, but from what you say, it sounds like you still are all those things.

I can understand cold feet, but you have two kids - you should have listened to your cold feet before you made that commitment.

Take it to Dr Phil.

Quote:

thanks for listening!

You're Welcome!

-ERD50

Notmuchlonger · 06-11-2008, 10:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by REWahoo

If you aren't 99% sure you want to marry her, and it certainly doesn't sound that way, you shouldn't do it. I'm from the school that says you have to listen to your gut (a combination of thinking with the heart and the other head) and if you don't, you'll likely regret it.

Bottom line, if you have to ask this forum whether or not you should marry her...

I agree. If you do not know for sure. Then don't do it.

Westernskies · 06-11-2008, 10:56 PM

Only Jerry Springer can sort this one out.

Caroline · 06-11-2008, 11:03 PM

IMHO -- you and she are adults who have control over your decisions. Your kids have no control and is your DUTY to do what is best for them.

How about setting your personal preference aside for a minute and figuring out what that is?

Hint: I'm pretty sure it's NOT an ongoing power struggle with related hard feelings, bickering, etc. etc.

Wags · 06-11-2008, 11:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by REWahoo

If you aren't 99% sure you want to marry her, and it certainly doesn't sound that way, you shouldn't do it. I'm from the school that says you have to listen to your gut (a combination of thinking with the heart and the other head) and if you don't, you'll likely regret it.

Bottom line, if you have to ask this forum whether or not you should marry her...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Notmuchlonger

I agree. If you do not know for sure. Then don't do it.

I concur.

Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her. - Kinky Friedman.

God Bless Us All

06-11-2008, 09:27 PM	#1
thefed Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 1,413	Girlfriend of 8 yrs wants to get married...and I don't Well, here's another one of thefed's problems. ive been with my gf for 8 yrs...with a 6 month separation about 4 years ago. she left me because i was,admittedly, a day-to-day selfish a$$. BUT she certainly deceived me and was sleeping with a man while still sleeping in my house. i didnt even see it coming. over the next 6 months, we both realized our mistakes, mended the relationship, and moved on. we now have 2 kids (3 and 3mos), live in the same house,etc. Well, i did propose to her 2 yrs ago...but thinking back, i almost felt FORCED to do so...pressure from our families,her,etc....it basically shut everyone up for a while....but now the pressure is back on....from her. i dont want a conventional religious church ceremony,because im not into that. she does, but we settled on a vegas trip/wedding/honeymoon. a year ago i agreed we'd do it this fall. well, as fall apporoaches, i have COLD feet. I DONT want to do it, ive pissed her off because she 'feels like shes been living a lie'... well, why dont i want to marry her? I honestly just cant forgive her for what she did. although i was not good at being in a relationship at the time, i NEVER deliberately did anything that would hurt her...it was unintentional,self-absorbed, greed-driven emotional absence. i also suspect she had some part or knowledge of a certain event in my life that will affect me for ever. long story short, my illegal lifestyle at the time resulted in large sums of cash stashed around the house. shortly after she moved out, people I KNOW she mingled with attempted to rob me, police were involved, i am now a felon. LONG story VERY short. I dont WANT to believe she was a part of it, but i think her big mouth started things in motion. I cant forgive that. she swears she had nothing to do with it. i also suspect she slept with a second person while we were separated, someone i knew...but denies it. she'd never admit it, and i wont ever forget it...so its a stalemate i also want a pre-nup, which she takes halfheartedly. i dont want her to be able to pull one over on me nect year or 10 years down the road. I dont THINK she would, but i didnt THINK she'd sleep with some guy while still residing in my/our home...nor did I have the slightest idea she'd have all her stuff moved out when she did...I was BLINDSIDED. I have significant assets for my age and want them protected. she alwasy said 'yeah, we can do a pre-nup" but now that im discussing details it aint going so well. all in all, i feel not marrying her is my last bit of 'control' over the situation. i dont DISTRUST her now...not at all....but its the fear of the unknown holding me back i dont know what to do....everythings fine on a day-to-day basis....until marriage talk comes up.... i even explained that im trying to find MYSELF right now...the whole inner peace thing I posted before...and she laughs at me...literally...saying 'how long is it going to take? we've been engaged for 2 years". i understand her point, but she definately doesnt understand where im at emotionally/spiritually/mentally right now...and that doesnt help thanks for listening!

06-11-2008, 09:29 PM	#2
Khan Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Greater Dayton area Posts: 3,152	Have you ever considered birth control? __________________ "Candle wax and red wine can do interesting things to a keyboard."

06-11-2008, 09:29 PM	#3
REWahoo Administrator Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Texas Hill Country Posts: 11,608	Don't marry her. __________________ [Closed for renovation]

06-11-2008, 09:57 PM	#13
DangerMouse Full time employment: Posting here. Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: So. Cal. Posts: 628	Sorry Fed, but if you had doubts about her loyalty to her, the time to speak up would have been before you DTD and had two children. Regardless of whether or not she was a blabber mouth and that resulted in your run in with the law, I think the two of you need to have some counselling to resolve the issue and allow you to move on beyond that time in your life. You have had two children together, you need to reach a point where you can forgive her and move on together, or you need to move on as a single man. Sounds like it to me that you could use some impartial counselling to help you resolve the issues. __________________ I be a girl, he's a boy. Semi-FIRED July 08. Mid 40s, no kidlets.

06-11-2008, 09:33 PM	#4
Marquette Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 2,020	> 'feels like shes been living a lie'... What's that mean? At this point, what are either of you missing out by not being married and what happens if you don't go through with it? Prepared to live with it if you say no and she walks? Prepared for a lifetime of misery if you go through with it just because you feel pressured? Are you aware there are several billion females in the world and you could have moved on 4 years ago? Why didn't you? Is that enough to get you to want to marry now? It's been my experience in life that I generally don't enjoy the things I feel forced to do. Your mileage may vary.

06-11-2008, 09:42 PM	#8
Marquette Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 2,020	Thus the first two questions. If it's very important to her, then is she prepared to walk from the relationship if she doesn't get it? Conversely, are you willing to go through with not getting what you want if that's the only way to keep her? Beyond that is really semantics.

06-11-2008, 09:52 PM	#11
Marquette Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 2,020	Also, you should read between the lines about the religious ceremony. There's a chance that she wants the big to-do more than she cares about the religious part of it... After planning out a ceremony, we eloped. However, that's a bit of a sore spot whenever there's a big wedding on tv. My wife is glad we skipped it, but she also feels like she missed out. Tread lightly, there be dragons here.

06-11-2008, 10:56 PM	#17
Westernskies Full time employment: Posting here. Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 906	Only Jerry Springer can sort this one out.

06-11-2008, 11:03 PM	#18
Caroline Full time employment: Posting here. Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 904	IMHO -- you and she are adults who have control over your decisions. Your kids have no control and is your DUTY to do what is best for them. How about setting your personal preference aside for a minute and figuring out what that is? Hint: I'm pretty sure it's NOT an ongoing power struggle with related hard feelings, bickering, etc. etc.