Mom & Sister update

[Moemg]

My Mom who is 93 was living alone in an apartment next door to her sister who is 73 . She had a cleaning lady and I paid for a home health aide to take her to the doctor's and food shopping . She had lots of friends and a support system in place . My younger sister was able to visit often . My older sister also visited and I would come for long periods at a time especially if she was having medical problems . She is mentally sharp and physically except for arthritis and being 93 she is okay . My older sister decided to move to Florida and she and her husband insisited my Mother move To Florida with them . Well it has been ten months and it is not working out . I have had my Mother several times for a week to ten days since she moved here and I am willing to have her visit once a month or once every other month . My sister has been hinting heavily that I should take Mom for much longer periods of time . I really do not want to for three reasons . 1 - this was not my idea and I spoke up that I thought it was a bad idea 2- I have steps in my house to the bedroom and My Mother has difficulty with the steps . It is okay for a week but after that she really struggles . 3- My Sister and my Mother have a financial agreement . My Mom pays rent and contributes money for food . So I told my sister what I was willing to do ( Have Mom for a week at a time monthly ) and I also told my Sister she needs to discuss this with my Mother .So am I a bad daughter and what would you do in this situation ?

 

[Gotadimple]

Exactly what you did.

What your mother wants is more important than what your sister wants.
You know your current home would not suit your mother long term.

You are not a bad daughter. Your sister would like you to feel like you are, but your mother raised you to be independent of her. I'm sure your mother would like to independent of all of her children. Maybe your family can still make that happen.

-- Rita

 

[TromboneAl]

It is a tough situation, and you have my sympathy. We went through this with my Mom, and there are no good solutions.

 

[haha]

So am I a bad daughter and what would you do in this situation ?

Not a bad daughter at all. Your offer seems more than generous to me. Still, this is likely to be a delicate situation for a while at least.

Does your Mother confide how she feels about things to you?

One thing I have learned over the years is that knowledge is power, and some people like to hoard information. More than once I have tacitly accepted what someone told me about a problem I was having with a third person, but somehow later got to the source of this "information" and found that I had been manipulated by the go-between.

Often in families this kind of power struggle and manipulation isn't even consciously done by the manipulator. If you confront them they are all innocence.

Ha

 

[FinallyRetired]

I sympathize, I went through a similar struggle for several years with my MIL before she passed away. It's a tough situation, no right or wrong answers. And don't think you are a bad daughter, it's just a tough deal.

Your mom would probably have been better left with the original arrangement, but that doesn't matter now, what matters is what is best for your mom in the current arrangement. If your sister and your mother are able and willing to go back to the original situation, that might be best. Otherwise, it's down to your sister taking the bulk of the responsibility, you and her sharing it equally, or finding a home for her.

Since you asked what we would do, here is what we did. We took care of my MIL for as long as we could. We also had stairs, so got a stairlift and something called a scalamobile. That got us through 6 months or so. Then we got to the point that we could no longer care for her in the way she needed, for medical as well as emotional reasons. Since no other family member could/wanted to step in, we found a home that was almost affordable, and they took good care of her for the last three months of her life.

 

[bbbamI]

I remember when you started that thread months ago.

So am I a bad daughter and what would you do in this situation ?

IMHO, no. I would do exactly what you are willing to do.

 

[freebird5825]

...My older sister decided to move to Florida and she and her husband insisited my Mother move To Florida with them . Well it has been ten months and it is not working out .
...My sister has been hinting heavily that I should take Mom for much longer periods of time .
...So I told my sister what I was willing to do ( Have Mom for a week at a time monthly ) and I also told my Sister she needs to discuss this with my Mother .
So am I a bad daughter and what would you do in this situation ?

Definitely not a bad daughter. I'd say you are a very smart lady for not getting sucked into a conflict that is obviously simmering away.
My thoughts...
The 3 of you need to sit down in the same room, same time, and hash this all out. Mom's wishes come first.
First and foremost, what does your Mom want?
What is she able to do on her own and can she afford her own place in an assisted living apartment?
If not, Plan B should not include shuttling this poor lady back and forth at her age. The potential for injuring herself is very high.

 

[Moemg]

Thanks everyone it is a tough situation .

 

[Moemg]

.
First and foremost, what does your Mom want?
What is she able to do on her own and can she afford her own place in an assisted living apartment?

My Mom wishes she had not moved from PA. . She dislikes Florida but if she has to live here she is content living with my sister and spending a week at my house . I'm not sure if she could afford assisted living . I've tried questioning her on it and she was vague . I am going to look into one of those chair lifts .

 

[Purron]

Definitely not a bad daughter. I'd say you are a very smart lady for not getting sucked into a conflict that is obviously simmering away.
My thoughts...
The 3 of you need to sit down in the same room, same time, and hash this all out. Mom's wishes come first.
First and foremost, what does your Mom want?
What is she able to do on her own and can she afford her own place in an assisted living apartment?
If not, Plan B should not include shuttling this poor lady back and forth at her age. The potential for injuring herself is very high.

My thoughts exactly.

 

[Dawg52]

Good luck. I would get all together to discuss openly. Hope it works out for you.

My mother is 91 and lives alone now, but she is just around the block from me. So easy for me to check on her every morning and night. I love her like we all love our mom's, but we do have our differences. So things are perfect right now, close enough to be there, but not too close. I guess that sounds kind of ugly to say, but you probably no what I mean. I'm a little too old to have to check with mom every time I want to go do something. And that's how it would be if we lived together.

 

[Martha]

I'm a little too old to have to check with mom every time I want to go do something. And that's how it would be if we lived together.

When my dad was 60 and my grandfather in his early 90s my dad suddenly started calling his dad by his first name. It was his way of saying old roles no longer applied.

Moe, I think your solution is a fair enough compromise. It would be great if the stair thing works out.

 

[Moemg]

The thing what is really driving me nuts is my sister is pulling out all the guilt trips in the book . Unfortunately this is the year I gave up guilt so it is not working . Last time my Mother was here my sister told me her husband was sick so of course I offered to keep my Mom longer only to find out they were at parties and socializing the whole time which so what just be honest and say Mom is driving me nuts could you keep her a few more days . So as you can see communication may be a problem we are from an Irish Catholic don't talk about it family .

 

[bbbamI]

Tell your sister momma can stay with you a week out of the month and you want part of the money momma is paying her. That might shut her trap...

Yeah, I know...but this situation fuzzes me up.

 

[Walt34]

Looks to me like sister is trying to do a dump job on you without making it obvious.

We are borderline having to deal with this with FIL - he's still living in his house, but can barely function there without a lot of help and doesn't want to face the realities. He's just too old to keep the place up by himself and doesn't have the income to support it.

We are trying to persuade him to sell the house and move to a retirement community that offers the complete continuity of care as needed, which he can just afford if he sells the house. He has visited the community several times and on the surface says he likes it, but overcoming the inertia is proving difficult.

Is that an option for your mother? My mother did that on her own, cried when she sold the house where she'd lived for 40 years, and six months later said "I wish I had done this ten years ago!"

 

[simple girl]

\We are trying to persuade him to sell the house and move to a retirement community that offers the complete continuity of care as needed, which he can just afford if he sells the house. He has visited the community several times and on the surface says he likes it, but overcoming the inertia is proving difficult.

Is that an option for your mother? My mother did that on her own, cried when she sold the house where she'd lived for 40 years, and six months later said "I wish I had done this ten years ago!"

I work in a retirement community (assisted living and independent living). So many of the people who come in to the independent living say exactly what you say. There are a few who have trouble adjusting (most difficult for those who recently have lost a spouse - just so much loss and change to adjust to). However, the majority love it.

Some people who come to the independent living have their costs subsidized by HUD. I don't believe this is possible for the assisted living; assisted living is quite a bit more expensive, and it is all out of pocket.

Moemg, I don't think you are a bad person at all! We all have to set healthy boundaries and limits on what we can do for others, and that is simply what you are doing. You did not create this situation.

 

[Dawg52]

When my dad was 60 and my grandfather in his early 90s my dad suddenly started calling his dad by his first name. It was his way of saying old roles no longer applied.

Problem is.......I've always called my mom by her first name. Strange I know, but we all did and she never had a problem with it. Maybe I could call her Mrs. Xxxxxx now to drive home the point. I doubt I could get away with that though.

 

[Moemg]

I work in a retirement community (assisted living and independent living). So many of the people who come in to the independent living say exactly what you say. There are a few who have trouble adjusting (most difficult for those who recently have lost a spouse - just so much loss and change to adjust to). However, the majority love it.

Some people who come to the independent living have their costs subsidized by HUD. I don't believe this is possible for the assisted living; assisted living is quite a bit more expensive, and it is all out of pocket.

I am going to look into the independent living plus they have options for short stays which may work in this situation . That way if my Sister wants to go on an extended trip that could be another option .

 

[Moemg]

Problem is.......I've always called my mom by her first name. Strange I know, but we all did and she never had a problem with it. Maybe I could call her Mrs. Xxxxxx now to drive home the point. I doubt I could get away with that though.

I would not do it . Those canes can pack a wallop .

 

[simple girl]

I am going to look into the independent living plus they have options for short stays which may work in this situation . That way if my Sister wants to go on an extended trip that could be another option .

Oh yeah, that's right - I forgot about those short stays. We have what is called a "respite" room in our assisted living center for those kinds of situations.

 

[vicente solano]

I can´t add anything to what has already been said. But it has been useful info for me.
My 82 year old Mom in Madrid starts living alone in a couple of months because her live-in daughter just got married. And another sister of mine just moved 600 plus km away to where I live. I have 5 siblings in Madrid but they are truly very busy, quite far too. They won´t be able to take care of her in the proper way.
I live in the countryside and have offered Mom my flat -15 min away-which is very confy and close to everything she might need in a small town. She has 4 children here that can get to her quicker than me and the ones in Madrid.
She wouldn´t hear of any solution other than staying in her flat, even if it means living alone. She knows that all her children are going to be permanently worried.

 

[Meadbh]

I can´t add anything to what has already been said. But it has been useful info for me.
My 82 year old Mom in Madrid starts living alone in a couple of months because her live-in daughter just got married. And another sister of mine just moved 600 plus km away to where I live. I have 5 siblings in Madrid but they are truly very busy, quite far too. They won´t be able to take care of her in the proper way.
I live in the countryside and have offered Mom my flat -15 min away-which is very confy and close to everything she might need in a small town. She has 4 children here that can get to her quicker than me and the ones in Madrid.
She wouldn´t hear of any solution other than staying in her flat, even if it means living alone. She knows that all her children are going to be permanently worried.

Sounds like the perfect solution, Vicente!