Mooching mom getting worse each year...

[2035]

Hi Folks,

As I've mentioned before, I come from a family of spenders with no sense of fiscal discipline...especially my mother.

After decades of spending money like it grows on trees (including a $73k inheritance in'93), never saving a dime for retirement (even when she could), ignoring my pleas to "save for your inevitable old age," and begging me for money ($25-700) every few months, she claims to have hit rock bottom due to years of under-employment and no budgeting.

Sorry, my point is how do I deal with helping someone who will never learn but keeps begging me bail her out? I'm so frustrated! I've worked sooo hard to save my nest egg and I never mooched off of my parents and now my mom expects me to bail her out throughout her old age. I'm single, an only child, no kids and supporting myself in an expensive area. I'm not cold, I swear... I'm just at my wits end...helped her so often only to have her revert back to her old ways.

Anyone else in this position?

 

[Keim]

Thankfully I am not in your position. I am reminded of a saying I learned from a lifeguard in the Scouts: You can't save someone from going under if they drown you in the rescue attempt.

 

[chris2008]

Learn to say a polite but firm "NO".
Like in "Unfortunately, I cannot help you with money this time. I have no funds available".
It may also help to ask her from time to time when she plans to pay back what you have loaned her last time.
You are not obliged to sacrifice your own future for a parent who never learned to live within her means.
You could also direct her to outside help like debtors self help groups that are available in her area.

 

[panacea]

"Sorry mom, but I've got my own bills to keep up with! Times are tough and I'm not in a position to part with money right now. I know it might seem like I've got money to burn but I really am living on a budget. If I get too far off track, I'm going to be calling you for money and I just don't think that's fair to you. Maybe I can help out by taking a look at your budget with you or getting you connected with someone else who can."

 

[MichaelB]

2035, there is no easy answer, and it is a heartbreaking situation. You can (and should) learn to say no. You can check regularly to make sure there is food and electricity. You can also look into what resources are available for your mother in the town and county she resides. There are many programs that provide meals, medical care and transportation to seniors in need, and when she asks you for assistance you can redirect to them.

 

[travelover]

Sorry, it is all invested.

Mooching is a sickness and unfortunately, you have become an enabler.

 

[kz]

Coming from someone who has been there, done that, food and utility bills would be the only thing I would help with if you truly fill the need to do something for her. In our case we found out she liked her casino trips more than anything else. And I mean anything else!

 

[Walt34]

I have an ex-half SIL like that. She spent every nickel she ever had, mooched off everyone who would give her a dollar, and is now in her 80's living on her $1k/month SS income in a subsidized apartment.

Some people just cannot be saved and I suppose they exist to serve as an example to others.

 

[Sarah in SC]

"Sorry mom, but I've got my own bills to keep up with! Times are tough and I'm not in a position to part with money right now. I know it might seem like I've got money to burn but I really am living on a budget. If I get too far off track, I'm going to be calling you for money and I just don't think that's fair to you. Maybe I can help out by taking a look at your budget with you or getting you connected with someone else who can."

This is a really good start. And maybe budgeting to send her a couple of grocery store gift cards every month.
You have my sympathy, though, because she'll surely try to make you feel guilty, especially as an only child. Be firm.

 

[Nemo2]

Tell her you're broke, and that a loan shark leg-breaker is looking for you and that you gave her name as a guarantor.......she won't make contact for a while.

 

[Midpack]

We're in a far, far milder version of what you face, though DW's Mom has five children so the burden is easier to deal with.

Like others have said, it's a tough situation. And unless you learn to say no, you're unfortunately enabling her to some extent. Instead of cutting her off cold, maybe tell her what you plan to do to wean her off your financial support over time - but then you have to follow through somehow. You do have to look out for yourself.

That said, I knew co-workers throughout my career faced with enabling family members re: money, alcohol, drugs, gangs. etc. I had long painful discussions with many of them. Few of them could stop their enabling, and in talking to them it has to be incredibly difficult to enact "tough love." In one case, the guy spent his entire life savings enabling his wayward kids. It didn't work after all that money, and he's 59 now and will probably have to work until he's who knows how old. Retirement won't be an option for him anytime soon.

Your intentions are wonderful, best of luck...

 

[Buckeye]

How about putting her on a monthly allowance with a grocery gift card thrown in on special occasions? When she asks for money, you can tell her next month's allowance will be deposited to her account on XX date. Make it an amount you are comfortable with continuing forever with maybe a small annual bump. What a good son you are that sends his mom money every month!

You might even consider some counseling to learn how to defend yourself emotionally against her manipulations. Ultimately, you have to say "no" but maybe the pros can give you some help in how to deliver the "no" and make it stick without feeling so guilty.

 

[Texas Proud]

Sorry, it is all invested.

Mooching is a sickness and unfortunately, you have become an enabler.

+1

As long as you enable, you will get the same results...

Sometimes it is hard, but you have to be willing to let your loved ones hit rock bottom... and I am not talking about what they whine as being rock bottom, but the real rock bottom... where they want to actually change instead of doing the same thing all over again...

 

[2035]

How about putting her on a monthly allowance with a grocery gift card thrown in on special occasions? When she asks for money, you can tell her next month's allowance will be deposited to her account on XX date. Make it an amount you are comfortable with continuing forever with maybe a small annual bump. What a good son you are that sends his mom money every month!

You might even consider some counseling to learn how to defend yourself emotionally against her manipulations. Ultimately, you have to say "no" but maybe the pros can give you some help in how to deliver the "no" and make it stick without feeling so guilty.

I'm a woman! (((blushing)))

I'm definitely going to consider all the great advice given here and the seeking professional guidance on this matter. Everyone here has been so helpful!

 

[GRambler]

I'm in a similar situation with my brother. Got that call the other day, needed money to get his power turned back on.
I gave it without question or comment, other than maybe he needs to rethink his stratagey. I know he'll never pay it back.
Being my brother he knows the next time he asks it will be a resounding NO and he'll end up asking for it from someone else.
He could have ER'd had he not gotten stupid with his money, now he has none.

It hurts to see him struggle, but there's not much I can do for him. We won't have enough to support us and him.
The old saying: "A oversight on your part does not mean an emergency on my part"

 

[Major Tom]

I have an ex-half SIL like that. She spent every nickel she ever had, mooched off everyone who would give her a dollar, and is now in her 80's living on her $1k/month SS income in a subsidized apartment.

Some people just cannot be saved and I suppose they exist to serve as an example to others.

She's lucky she's at least getting the SS that she does. There are quite a few folk out there who qualify for much less SS who have equally poor money managing habits. I wonder what happens to some of these people.

Some great advice here, and I think that the advice to learn how to deal with any guilt etc as a result of saying no is as important as learning how to actually say no (or to severely limit the aid given).

I feel for you 2035. It can't be easy being the parent in this situation.

 

[Bestwifeever]

After decades of spending money like it grows on trees (including a $73k inheritance in'93), never saving a dime for retirement (even when she could), ignoring my pleas to "save for your inevitable old age," and begging me for money ($25-700) every few months, she claims to have hit rock bottom due to years of under-employment and no budgeting....

I'm single, an only child, no kids and supporting myself in an expensive area. I'm not cold, I swear... I'm just at my wits end...helped her so often only to have her revert back to her old ways.

I don't think you're cold at all. Is your mother still underemployed or is she now retired? I looked at your intro post and am calculating that if you're 38, your mother is maybe in her mid to late 50s? Is she looking at you as her bridge to social security at 62? I really feel for you as you probably have decades of dealing with this ahead of you.

You could tell her your company has a new plan where all of your own retirement money and savings are now going and you can't touch it until you yourself retire. And the most I would do is send her a little $ instead of a gift for her birthday, Christmas, mother's day.

 

[Moemg]

I really think it depends on your mother's age . If she's in her 60's I'd suggest a job but if she's 80 I would look at her expenses and probably help her out with a set amount every month and ignore other requests . Maybe also drop off some groceries when you visit .

 

[rescueme]

One thing you might do if your local utilities have the option, and that is to send you a copy of the electric, gas, phone, whatever bills every month.

In this manner you at least can be aware if the bills are not being paid on a timely manner (the money is being used for something else) and you can be a bit proactive in this area (by asking why "x" bill has not been paid).

I do it for my (adult) disabled son. He takes care of paying his own bills for his apartment and does well in this area, but I get a copy just to keep an eye on things "just in case".

It's better to know ahead of time rather than have to intervene (if you wish) the day before the electric is turned off.

Good luck to you...

 

[palomalou]

I may indeed be cold, but I think parents have a responsibility to children, but not the reverse, unless the parents ARE responsible for their children. People choose to have children, or should. If they cannot take care of children, including educating them, they should not have them. They should not have more children than they can care for.
Children do not choose to have parents. I am a bit indignant because of a situation I know in which the parents did not do squat in helping child with higher ed--who did it all with working and scholarships--then parents retired early. In my opinion, child does not owe parents anything as their lack of foresight seems to be coming back to bite.
Perhaps a bit on the crabby side today...

 

[Koolau]

I think you need to decide 1) Do I WANT to help? (not just "do I feel guilty if I don't help?" 2) If so, how much every month would I be willing to send mom... $25?, $50?, without being significantly impacted OR resenting her. 3) Sit down with mom and plan a budget. My guess is that she CAN live on her income if she follows a budget. Tell her you will pay $XX per month and no more toward her budget. If she comes up short, don't bother to call, because you will NOT help her exceed her budget.

I know it sounds easy for me to say. I've never been there, but at some point, you have to do what is right for you AND mom. Clearly, mom is not doing what is right for her OR for you. YOU must take the control if you commit any of YOUR money to mom, INC.

Good luck with this.

Just my $.02 worth and probably not worth that. YMMV

 

[Midpack]

I may indeed be cold, but I think parents have a responsibility to children, but not the reverse, unless the parents ARE responsible for their children. People choose to have children, or should. If they cannot take care of children, including educating them, they should not have them. They should not have more children than they can care for.
Children do not choose to have parents. I am a bit indignant because of a situation I know in which the parents did not do squat in helping child with higher ed--who did it all with working and scholarships--then parents retired early. In my opinion, child does not owe parents anything as their lack of foresight seems to be coming back to bite.
Perhaps a bit on the crabby side today...

Objectively true, but much easier said than done based on my experiences with coworkers over the years. I've watched other people truly suffer through similar situations and most ended badly despite the best intentions of the enablers. Earlier I mentioned a coworker who went bankrupt trying to save two of his three young adult children from drugs and associated criminals, sadly all for nought in the end. I feel for the OP like everyone else...

 

[Lancelot]

Sorry, my point is how do I deal with helping someone who will never learn but keeps begging me bail her out?

Just say no?

 

[easysurfer]

2035,

Looks like your mooching mom is in the camp of believing that "money in the bank is money wasted."

Family members can be pretty good at laying a guilt trip on another member, wearing them down after all, "How can one not help a family member, especially your mom?"

When the situation comes up, I have to remind myself several things (which makes it easier to say "No"). 1) It is more difficult for you, than on your mom. After you say "No", you may feel guilty for not giving a bailout, but for her, she will just move on to someone else who she can mooch from. 2) What rule is it that because you didn't blow your money that it's your role to bail her out. That's not fair to you to be her personal bank. 3) What if the roles were reversed? If you came to her and said, I'm in a financial bind, can you help out? Would she help or say "Sorry, Charlie!"

If those reminders down work, the bring it the big gun and say "I don't have the money." I have a brother who emailed me about a year ago, saying "Can I spare some $ to help him with his property taxes?" I had to remind him that since I'm a retired person, I have to watch my budget so closely just to put food on the table -- okay, exaggerated a bit, but you get the idea. He hasn't asked again, so that must have worked.

 

[youbet]

Hi Folks,


Sorry, my point is how do I deal with helping someone who will never learn but keeps begging me bail her out?

Anyone else in this position?

I can't comment on your specific situation because in our case the needy parent hasn't been financially irresponsible and doesn't ask for help. In fact, she's done surprisingly well all facts considered.

DW's mom finished raising four kids after DW's dad died young. Three kids got through college, including DW, and seem to be doing fine. The fourth moved to the west coast right after highschool, got a fed gov't job, married another fed gov't employee and both are now retired with fabulous pensions. So, not much room for going back and knocking the job their mom did in getting them launched.

At 85 yo, MIL is living off about $13k SS and a reverse mortgage. All savings are depleted. She gets by and is living in a nice condo and still drives. But we're (kids and kids-inlaw) all glad to help her out.

Here's what works for us:

1. Two local kids, DW and a brother, check on her everyday via phone and once a week or so in person.

2. I do basic maintenance on her car paying for small parts and incidental costs myself. Major issues (recently got new tires for example) are shared by all four kids. I email amounts and checks arrive promptly.

3. Major bills (some recent dental work for example) are usually split among the four kids.

4. We handled setting up the reverse mortgage on her condo and I'm now working on getting her on SNAP (food stamps). DW's local brother is searching for any other programs where we can get her aid. We're careful to not let any money gifted to her be in an account where it could disqualify her for aid.

5. We keep a list of things she could use and everyone stays on the lookout for a deal or opportunity to get those items. An out of town son recently got a new flat screen TV and instead of selling the existing almost new one, he brought it when he came to visit over the holidays.

So with a little sweat equity and creativtiy, I think we're doing a lot for the old gal without anyone jeopardizing their own financial status. In total, each kid probably got hit for just over $1k in 2011, which was a high year due to the dental work. DW and me and her local brother did invest some time. The two out of state kids sent extra things.

It's a very satisfying project. I feel good about it. It's not often that doing so little yields so much reward. I wish your situation could be more like ours.