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Old 12-03-2014, 09:09 PM   #41
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OP should not get involved. Those of you that say "help" was appreciated from books given don't always see the end result. How many of you have done the "eye roll" or laughed later about well intentioned advice. I would never hurt my older relatives feelings by arguing or laughing at unsolicited advice. BUT when we get in the car or home we sometimes have a laugh, if we even recall the "advice". Your daughter should not be expressing her financial concerns to you but to her fiancé. These are suppose to be adults, respect their space.

One of the reasons given for divorce is financial incompatibility. Ask some of the members here.....they couldn't change their spouses.

Why would strings be attached to a gift?

This is well intentioned advice......but parents don't usually listen.
Yio're right, many kids roll their eys and laugh on their way home......then they need financial help and the eyes stop rolling. ......parents need to be coaches and mentors to their kids and then have them listen and/or roll their eyes.....my parents helped me a couple of times.....not because I overspent but because I wanted to start my own business.......and mentoring is really important.......should they only get advice from their peer group? I've been really lucky as a kid and a parent......I may not have appreciated my parents comments some of the time but, more times than not, they were right and as I look back I'm glad they talked and I rolled my eyes....then listened......they helped me win!
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Old 12-03-2014, 09:16 PM   #42
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Read the book DIE BROKE and then give it to him.
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Old 12-03-2014, 09:32 PM   #43
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parents need to be coaches and mentors to their kids and then have them listen and/or roll their eyes
I agree that parents should do this. Not in-laws. Address it with the daughter, and let her handle it like an adult.
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Old 12-04-2014, 11:09 AM   #44
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I like the idea of leaving books out. The books as bread crumbs to LBYM. I like that.

I wouldn't go "Here, read these!", but just have a few out in the open (maybe on the coffee table by your other reading material, or visible on a bookshelf) so the future SIL knows how you deal with money.

The future SIL may not pay any attention to the book titles, or in the back of his mind, someday he may remember the title or ask your DD what the title is.
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Old 12-04-2014, 02:11 PM   #45
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Don't try to advise him. Do not enable him or for that matter your DD.

When appropriate (does not look like you are lecturing, admonishing, criticizing, gloating, etc.) just tell what you do. Example: "I really like my new car. And since I saved for it over that last gour years, I don't have payments and I am not giving the bank my hard earned dollars as interest." Or, "I didn't like paying that $5,000 for the new roof, but thankfully I had the money and didn't have to add the cost of a loan to the cost of that roof." Then it ends, stops, and you hope he gets the message.

Like my old grand pappy used to say "The #1 Rule of Life is "YOU CAN'T CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE."
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Old 12-04-2014, 02:22 PM   #46
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When appropriate (does not look like you are lecturing, admonishing, criticizing, gloating, etc.) just tell what you do. Example: "I really like my new car. And since I saved for it over that last four years, I don't have payments and I am not giving the bank my hard earned dollars as interest."
I like that idea. Some people who grow up in families that live a certain way (maxed-out credit cards, perpetual car loan payments, whatever) think that's just the way things have to be. (The other side of the coin: I was raised by parents who were always saving and had no debt other than the mortgage, which they refused to pay off early because it was low interest rate and the maxed-out lifestyle is alien to me.) If he can see that you're living a more modest life but enjoying it a lot more because you don't worry about money, he may come around.
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Old 12-04-2014, 02:29 PM   #47
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Don't try to advise him. Do not enable him or for that matter your DD.

Like my old grand pappy used to say "The #1 Rule of Life is "YOU CAN'T CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE."
Thank you for this. I got a chuckle. I learned that I cannot control other people by 1) having a wife, and 2) having kids. In that order, luckily.

I also learned by all the kind comments on this thread to lead by example, maybe leave some books lying around as "crumbs", and talk mostly to my daughter about money if I talk at all, for now.

You all have prevented me from making some possibly serious mistakes.
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Old 12-04-2014, 02:52 PM   #48
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Thank you for this. I got a chuckle. I learned that I cannot control other people by 1) having a wife, and 2) having kids. In that order, luckily.

I also learned by all the kind comments on this thread to lead by example, maybe leave some books lying around as "crumbs", and talk mostly to my daughter about money if I talk at all, for now.

You all have prevented me from making some possibly serious mistakes.
I've been thinking you could also turn it around and ask your future SIL if he has any advice for you, considering he is in an MBA program and you are nearing retirement. He might love talking about finance in general, megabusiness trends, interest rates, etc., and funding retirement and other big purchases in particular. No need to talk specific dollars, just percentages, and your DD might be happy to see you respect his opinion and hard work in the MBA program even if his area isn't directly related to personal finance.

I look at my kids in their early thirties, launched into fairly decent jobs, married, kids, houses, the whole nine yards, and I still wish I could teach them more. So hard to let our little birds fly on their own.
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Old 12-04-2014, 03:07 PM   #49
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I've been thinking you could also turn it around and ask your future SIL if he has any advice for you, considering he is in an MBA program and you are nearing retirement. He might love talking about finance in general, megabusiness trends, interest rates, etc., and funding retirement and other big purchases in particular. No need to talk specific dollars, just percentages, and your DD might be happy to see you respect his opinion and hard work in the MBA program even if his area isn't directly related to personal finance.

I look at my kids in their early thirties, launched into fairly decent jobs, married, kids, houses, the whole nine yards, and I still wish I could teach them more. So hard to let our little birds fly on their own.

This is a great idea. Did you have a sales career? If not, maybe you should think about it.

I will keep this in mind and approach things when the time is right.
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Old 12-05-2014, 08:57 PM   #50
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Give them a gift subscription to Money magazine for Christmas.
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Old 12-06-2014, 10:07 AM   #51
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I've been thinking you could also turn it around and ask your future SIL if he has any advice for you, considering he is in an MBA program and you are nearing retirement. He might love talking about finance in general, megabusiness trends, interest rates, etc., and funding retirement and other big purchases in particular. No need to talk specific dollars, just percentages, and your DD might be happy to see you respect his opinion and hard work in the MBA program even if his area isn't directly related to personal finance.
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Give them a gift subscription to Money magazine for Christmas.
I really like both of these ideas! (Well, perhaps if I had to pick 1 magazine, might lean more towards Kiplinger's rather than Money). Especially the MBA-experience thing. But just remember that many MBA programs never touch on personal finance, and he many not know anything. You could perhaps start off by asking about his job and things he uses in his job from his MBA background, and then some time later hit up your personal angle of the "any advice on people nearing retirement" bit.
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Old 12-06-2014, 10:40 AM   #52
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I prefer Kiplinger's as well because they seem to be less sensational. Either one would be fine.
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Old 12-06-2014, 10:50 AM   #53
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Like my old grand pappy used to say "The #1 Rule of Life is "YOU CAN'T CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE."
Allow me to add the second part...with all due respect to grandpappy

You can't control other people...but what you can control is your reaction to them.

For those who remember good ol' dh2b (fiancé) when I first joined the forum, he was a real nightmare when it came to spending. It was one of the main reasons we broke up after 4.5 years. We split costs 50-50 and every time I turned around, there was some new gadget or tool or bauble he wanted to buy "for us". I mostly said no because I knew the item really was for him. Sometimes I agreed if it made sense to buy the item if it truly was "for us".

It really got ridiculous.

Please give your DD some advice, one on one in private, on the possibility of this happening and how to handle it.
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Old 12-06-2014, 11:03 AM   #54
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I started living a LBYM life after I read, "Your Money Or Your Life". For me, I just couldn't get motivated by just looking at numbers. Becoming a millionaire wasn't a tangible goal for me, but living my life so I had more time---specifically early retirement---was very motivating.

Make sure your daughter always stays informed about all finances. A friend's husband hid his spending (and their huge debt) from her and the marriage survived, but they suffered for about a decade digging themselves out of the hole he created.

My very thrifty sister married a very thrifty man and they've always kept finances separate and it's worked for them. They both pay 50% of household expenses, but are free to spend their money as they see fit.
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Old 12-06-2014, 11:50 AM   #55
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OP,
I grew up in a home where DF wanted to help. Mostly it was manipulation to get his audience to see, if they only did it his way, life would be better. He meant the very best, but that's not what his kids heard.

One of the most humiliating was gifting books or magazines, the message that the family heard was "you're not capable, let me show you how it's done". Guess what, all the kids in their own way, ran away. Took us many years to forgive that "help".

Bestwifeever gave you the Bestadviceever. Show him you trust him and his education. Worst thing that could happen with that scenario is you build his trust so that he can talk with you. Exactly the outcome you want. I think you've already understand that, but felt a need to share why it works. Best wishes to you, DD, and SIL.



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Old 12-06-2014, 11:58 AM   #56
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In my earlier years, if my mother, father, FIL, MIL, or any other relative would have tried to tell me how to manage my financial life (or any other aspects of my life for that matter), I'm sure I would have respectfully listened but I would have disregarded it immediately.

These days, like some others have said, I don't try to "give" financial advice. If I'm asked, I'll try to give information with the pros and cons "as I understand them".
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Old 12-06-2014, 12:21 PM   #57
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Keep in mind that your daughter chose this man to be her husband, and, very possibly, the father of your grandchildren. Getting a parent of a grandchild upset with one is usually not a good idea.

It's not always about money.
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