Scary Dreams

[haha]

Every now and again I have a dream featuring an argument with my ex, only we are stilll married. In last night's installment she told me she wanted a second land line, in addition to the one we already had and our cell phones. I say, "why?" No one ever uses the one we have." "I just need it, in case you are on the other one." "But I am on it maybe once a month!" "I don't care!"

At that I wake up terrified, being once more confronted with the marriage dilemma- the next best thing to a negotiated solution can be being ripped apart in a divorce. Just like whoever is the most timid makes the rules about sex, whoever is the least committed makes the negotiating rules.

Then I get fully awake and a big smile comes across my face-"Hey boy, you already be divorced!" It's the same feeling as when I would dream about forgetting to study for an exam, or write some paper. I'd wake up and discover that I already graduated!

I think this attitude kind of warps my personality, but it's worth the warp to avoid ever being stupid enough to go lock myself in a room with a maniac and lose the key again.

Ha

 

[W2R]

I think that marriage can be, and for many people is, the most wonderful and fulfilling of life experiences.

But after 23 years, my marriage failed. I wish it had been better, but that was not to be. Like you, I am enjoying being single again.

 

[Richard4444]

Hmmmm. First you say : only we are stilll married then you go on to say: Then I get fully awake and a big smile comes across my face-"Hey boy, you already be divorced!"
You can't have it both ways - or can you?

 

[eytonxav]

It's the same feeling as when I would dream about forgetting to study for an exam, or write some paper. I'd wake up and discover that I already graduated!

As a EE grad, on occasion I still get those exam nightmares, but the really crazy thing is I find that I now have a yearning to go back to school again, just for the fun of it

 

[omni550]

A lady I worked with explained it to me this way, going from best to worst.

#1 - Happily Married
#2 - Happily Single
#3 - Unhappily Single
#4 - Unhappily Married

From reading many posts on this board, it seems as though we have many 'marrieds' who are in the the first category. Bravo to them. I wonder if they just lucked out...or if there's something else to which they can attribute their marital success?

omni

 

[haha]

Hmmmm. First you say : only we are stilll married

Ever had a dream yourself?

 

[Chuckanut]

My scary dream is that I am back in college and I have somehow totally forgotten about an important class I enrolled in. It is about a week until the end of the quarter and I am desperately trying to make up the missing work and find out when and where the class meets. Then I wake up and realize I have two degrees and will soon have another - the MRL (Master of the Retired Life).

 

[eytonxav]

From reading many posts on this board, it seems as though we have many 'marrieds' who are in the the first category. Bravo to them. I wonder if they just lucked out...or if there's something else to which they can attribute their marital success?

omni

You can probably attribute it to the drinking water

 

[haha]

From reading many posts on this board, it seems as though we have many 'marrieds' who are in the the first category. Bravo to them. I wonder if they just lucked out...or if there's something else to which they can attribute their marital success?

omni

Perhaps survivor bias? Lack of marital cooperation makes the heroic savings programs that many here adopt impossible. Also, divorce can be real setback. In many cases divorce settlements and child support can pretty well cancel any idea of getting out of work early with a good standard of living.

I know plenty of middle aged couples who have developed reasonable workarounds to broken marriages. If they both can read the writing on the wall, and both realize that neither can blow up the ship without going down with it, a kind of detente may ensue. But all it takes is one of them to be truly done and then look out.

I know, sounds marvelous doesn't it?

Ha

 

[W2R]

I think that marriage can be, and for many people is, the most wonderful and fulfilling of life experiences.

But after 23 years, my marriage failed. I wish it had been better, but that was not to be. Like you, I am enjoying being single again.

Oh, and as for scary dreams which I guess is the topic in hand - - I don't often have scary dreams any more, now that my work stress has pretty much vanished. Sometimes I have nightmares about something endangering my daughter (like, rushing to pull her, as a toddler, out of the way of an 18-wheeler). Sometimes I nightmare about the Gulf Oil Spill, which happened less than a year after I retired. I dream that they call me back to work, and that those performing my job functions are messing up badly and that I have to set things right.

These are my (rare) nightmares. I never dream about my marriage, which seems very far behind me.

 

[Chuckanut]

Perhaps survivor bias? Lack of marital cooperation makes the heroic savings programs that many here adopt impossible. Also, divorce can be real setback. In many cases divorce settlements and child support can pretty well cancel any idea of getting out of work early with a good standard of living.

+1

 

[Amethyst]

Scary dream I have a few times a year: Car starts driving itself; refuses to obey steering wheel or brakes!

The earliest dreams I can remember (age 3-5) were extremely scary. Bad guys were chasing me and I knew they wanted to kill me. I would flee up and down flights of stairs and in and out of strange, skeletal buildings. Every now and then I would catch a glimpse of a bad guy who would flash an evil, "I'm gonna kill you, kid!" smile. I often woke up crying for my mother. I'm sure those dreams must have come from watching TV.

Most recent time I dreamed about a bad guy, he had invaded our bedroom, which is just beyond the landing at the top of the second-story stairs. I went for him and somehow managed to throw him down the stairs. So I guess my subconscious has grown up.

Amethyst

 

[MichaelB]

Perhaps survivor bias? Lack of marital cooperation makes the heroic savings programs that many here adopt impossible. Also, divorce can be real setback. In many cases divorce settlements and child support can pretty well cancel any idea of getting out of work early with a good standard of living.

Ha

This has to be a major factor. Divorce is so costly it probably ends the dream of FI or ER for most people, so they are underrepresented here. But it also says a lot about the members here who are divorced yet still managed financial independence or early retirement.

 

[Amethyst]

Even though I know perfectly well what you mean, the notion of something as anarchic as sex having "rules" makes me laugh

Amethyst

Just like whoever is the most timid makes the rules about sex,

 

[Marita40]

I've had all the usual scary school dreams: about to graduate and suddenly realizing I forgot to take a required math class; showing up for an exam without a pencil (and no one would give me one; teaching a class and suddenly realizing I was naked

One repeated and very scary dream is that I have killed someone and am guilty and horrified. The person killed is never someone definite nor is the motive or the method. I wake up with a terrible feeling of abandonment, guilt, and despair--only to have them changed to enormous relief and joy when I realize it was only a dream!

 

[GrayHare]

My scary dream is that I am back in college and I have somehow totally forgotten about an important class I enrolled in. It is about a week until the end of the quarter and I am desperately trying to make up the missing work and find out when and where the class meets. Then I wake up and realize I have two degrees and will soon have another - the MRL (Master of the Retired Life).

Virtually same dream for me. That a "lack of preparedness" dream has been mentioned in this string several times makes me wonder if it is more common among those who w*rk+save to be adequately prepared for FIRE.

 

[bbbamI]

Every now and again I have a dream featuring an argument with my ex, only we are stilll married. In last night's installment she told me she wanted a second land line, in addition to the one we already had and our cell phones. I say, "why?" No one ever uses the one we have." "I just need it, in case you are on the other one." "But I am on it maybe once a month!" "I don't care!"

At that I wake up terrified, being once more confronted with the marriage dilemma- the next best thing to a negotiated solution can be being ripped apart in a divorce. Just like whoever is the most timid makes the rules about sex, whoever is the least committed makes the negotiating rules.

Then I get fully awake and a big smile comes across my face-"Hey boy, you already be divorced!" It's the same feeling as when I would dream about forgetting to study for an exam, or write some paper. I'd wake up and discover that I already graduated!

I think this attitude kind of warps my personality, but it's worth the warp to avoid ever being stupid enough to go lock myself in a room with a maniac and lose the key again.

Ha

So let me get this straight....getting married again is not your cup o' tea.

 

[Bestwifeever]

I've had some truly horrible dreams, but waking up next to DH makes them go away.

 

[W2R]

I've had some truly horrible dreams, but waking up next to DH makes them go away.

Aw! That is so sweet.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Aw! That is so sweet.

I know, could I be any cornier? They were really awful awful dreams that I couldn't even share with him, either.

DH had a nightmare once that was so bad his screaming woke me up. He dreamt he was being pelted with rocks by small children.

 

[Zero]

Just erased a "too long" funny story about a friend who married and divorced 3 times, he was Lothario so he go what he deserved. In 1970 he had a million or two and owned 2 Pep Boys, today he is a 66 year old draftsman for Boeing, drawing aircraft brackets and screws.

Wonder what his bad dreams are?

 

[Moemg]

I have a recurring dream that it is Christmas Eve and somehow I have forgotten to buy presents , get a tree , get food , etc.. So I run wildly to the stores as they are closing their doors . My second dream is that I have returned to work but I immediately realize it is a mistake and do not know how to get out of it .

 

[antmary]

What a great thread! Just last night I had a dream that I was to teach a class. I finally found the (teaching) building in a big city somewhere. I parked near a bridge, and walked to the classroom. Then I realized that I had forgotten all my teaching supplies. I ran outside, and they were towing off my car...then I turned around to look for the building, and ended up walking up and down several streets. What a relief to wake up! No class today

Bottom line, I love to feel in control ( in a healthy way) of my life - especially finances. I guess that is why I spent so much time planning out our retirement. When I was younger, it was much easier to just go with the flow. Going through a divorce in my 30's was a rude awakening; now I consider it a gift because there was enough time for me to start over - and work toward financial security.

 

[Gumby]

I occasionally dream that I am back in the Navy and I am missing part of my uniform. That's about as bad as my dreams ever get. Mostly I don't dream at all (or at least I never remember them).

 

[tmm99]

Ha,

I still occasionally have these married dreams like you - and it's been almost 20 years since my divorce. It's a HUGE relief when I realize that it was just a dream. The fact I was married to this guy seems like a dream when I am awake, but the agonizing emotions I feel in my dreams are sooo real. That tells me that I probably stayed in the marriage way longer than I should have. It's kind of like post tramatic stress or something. No kids or messy finance invovled in my case, but still. I imagine things could be a whole lot worse when kids or tons of money are in the equation. (I cannot imagine paying alamony for the rest of my life, for example. That would really dampen my mood.)

I personally have nothing against marriage though. Plenty of people get married to reasonable people and are very happy. As I have been single for so long, W2R's arrangement or something similar appeals to me a great deal. (I have an SO of 15 years and we live separately.)