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Old 12-22-2010, 02:44 PM   #261
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I have no idea what the real statistics are but from 16 years in Family Law as a paralegal my observation is that the one who has the initial papers drawn up is not always the person who initiates the proceedings. In my state there is a petitioner and a respondent. You might think the petitioner is the original person who wants the divorce but that may not always be the case. Often the two parties have attorneys already negotiating before the initial papers are drawn up; in many cases I saw, the petitioner was the party whose attorney had someone available in the office to draw up the papers. Who becomes petitioner apparently is negotiable, IMO.

I am not an attorney.
I was wondering the same thing, Cuppa--a 62-year-old friend's marriage is probably not going to survive and she is probably going to file soon, but the reason for its demise is squarely in his lap, if you know what I mean. So who really is instigating the divorce? Statistically, she is, but realistically?

The Younger Next Year authors make it sound like the women just up and said I'm out of here, I'm living my life now. Probably a little more complicated in most of the cases.
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Old 12-22-2010, 03:01 PM   #262
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I was wondering the same thing, Cuppa--a 62-year-old friend's marriage is probably not going to survive and she is probably going to file soon, but the reason for its demise is squarely in his lap, if you know what I mean. So who really is instigating the divorce? Statistically, she is, but realistically?

The Younger Next Year authors make it sound like the women just up and said I'm out of here, I'm living my life now. Probably a little more complicated in most of the cases.
In my mind, whoever decides to go for the divorce is the instigator, regardless of the real or imagined faults of the other party. That is not to say that it wasn't a good idea, just that the meaning of "instigator" is pretty well defined.

OTOH Cuppa's example casts doubt on the reliability of the data that may be have been used to come up with this 60% statistic in the first place.

Ha
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Old 12-22-2010, 07:19 PM   #263
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She did not seem to be preoccupied with the American woman's number one preoccupation- "Let no one assume that I am not identical or superior to a man in every important way, except that I am a morally higher being; and let no man try to put anything over on me.”

Ha
Is this why a few girlfriends have asked me if I was going to let DBF "get away with _____ ?!" (more than one fill in the blank) He's a guy...it's ok if he gets to be one (I expect him to - including the "I am man, hear me roar" (shoulda seen him Sun & Mon after his NYG lost)! LOL He puts up with my stuff too...
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Old 12-22-2010, 11:52 PM   #264
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@CuppaJoe and @Bestwifeever,

In my state (and in most states as I understand it) it doesn't really matter who did what, or who is the petitioner, or any of that. The idea is called no-fault divorce. The two parties are splitting, who really cares why enough to dig into the reasons, I guess.

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Old 12-23-2010, 09:08 AM   #265
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@CuppaJoe and @Bestwifeever,

In my state (and in most states as I understand it) it doesn't really matter who did what, or who is the petitioner, or any of that. The idea is called no-fault divorce. The two parties are splitting, who really cares why enough to dig into the reasons, I guess.

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Yes, in Louisiana a couple can get an uncontested divorce (we did, in 1998). There is no need to show up at court. We went to the lawyer together, signed the papers, and that was all. The lawyer did the rest.
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Old 12-23-2010, 09:15 AM   #266
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@CuppaJoe and @Bestwifeever,

In my state (and in most states as I understand it) it doesn't really matter who did what, or who is the petitioner, or any of that. The idea is called no-fault divorce. The two parties are splitting, who really cares why enough to dig into the reasons, I guess.

2Cor521
I agree--if the marriage is over, it's over. The Younger Next Year authors are stretching a statistic (two-thirds of divorces after age 60 are filed for by women) to shore up their idea that it's important to stay married. Which doesn't even make any sense.
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Old 12-23-2010, 11:35 AM   #267
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After they rip into the offensive stereotype of the retired male (to such an extent that one wonders why the wife is waiting til he's retired to file for divorce), they tell us (the women readers this book is aimed at) to teach him new tricks and keep him around.
Being a guy, I can think of two reasons:
1. If he's at the office most of the day then it's tolerable. When he retires he's underfoot and the "problem" can no longer be avoided. In the Navy, this also explains why families whose Navy spouse is on shore duty have so many more family issues than families whose spouse is on sea duty. When you're on shore duty, you spend more time with your spouse and things can't be swept under the rug anymore.

2. Maybe it's easier to get part of the pension after he's retired and actually drawing it. But there are a lot of different pensions out there and I may be overgeneralizing.

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... to shore up their idea that it's important to stay married. Which doesn't even make any sense.
Again, it makes statistical sense if you're a guy. Married guys live longer, both chronologically and perceptually.

But I think this whole "Old Fred" issue will start to decline as the "traditional" gender-marriage roles fade away.

Meanwhile, spouse has never been so motivated by a workout program as she has by the sight of a friend who's approaching 50 and is becoming alarmingly overweight. Now that I have such a newly-dedicated workout buddy, though, my own workouts are up to 6-7/week and it's gettin' pretty challenging...
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Old 12-23-2010, 11:52 AM   #268
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.... The Younger Next Year authors are stretching a statistic (two-thirds of divorces after age 60 are filed for by women) to shore up their idea that it's important to stay married. Which doesn't even make any sense.
So can we conclude that they are taking an inherently sexist (dubious, IMO) statistic in a book with an inherently sexist title and concept and giving us the impression that we can infer more sexist ideas from it?

Disclaimer: I haven't followed this thread nor read the book, Younger Next Year for Women; and I see sexism everywhere.
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Old 01-06-2011, 08:57 AM   #269
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Phil himself is not delusional enough to get married.

Anyway, in a nutshell she was playing to him, in an easygoing way that appeared ingrained rather than amped up to do some persuading job on him. She did not seem to be preoccupied with the American woman's number one preoccupation- "Let no one assume that I am not identical or superior to a man in every important way, except that I am a morally higher being; and let no man try to put anything over on me.”

Many of us men can see the justice in this. And in a perhaps unrelated development, ladies may find us to be "commitment phobic". Sometimes it is nobody’s fault, institutions just get outdated.

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Are you still alive after this last post? LOL. Don't let the secret out, or else I'll be competing with a ton of other American males for South American women, and my Spanish is nowhere near fluent yet.
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Old 01-06-2011, 09:39 AM   #270
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Are you still alive after this last post? LOL. Don't let the secret out, or else I'll be competing with a ton of other American males for South American women, and my Spanish is nowhere near fluent yet.
Aha, another potential candidate for my Mototaxi Junket, Buns! Come on, the women are hot hot hot!

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Old 01-06-2011, 11:10 AM   #271
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Are you still alive after this last post? LOL. Don't let the secret out, or else I'll be competing with a ton of other American males for South American women, and my Spanish is nowhere near fluent yet.
For reasons that I do not understand, I am tolerated. Perhaps it is age.

Ha
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Here's a dissenting article
Old 01-06-2011, 11:22 AM   #272
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Here's a dissenting article

5 Reasons to Get (or Stay) Married This Year
You probably already know that married people on the whole are healthier, wealthier and have more satisfying sex lives than singletons or divorced people. You also already know that, absent some serious conflict, your kids would probably prefer it if you stuck together. And even if you were to split, whoever you married next would probably have equally annoying habits as your current spouse. So herewith, five reasons to get or stay married you probably haven't heard of.

5 Reasons to Get (or Stay) Married This Year - Yahoo! News

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Just One More Hazard of Marriage
Old 01-07-2011, 11:31 PM   #273
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Just One More Hazard of Marriage

Nation & World | Police chief quits over nude photos wife put on Web | Seattle Times Newspaper

You will love the chief's explanation of why he didn't make DW take down the pictures.
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Old 01-08-2011, 08:13 AM   #274
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Ha, it sounds as though that police chief is a very smart man!
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Old 01-08-2011, 08:18 AM   #275
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Nation & World | Police chief quits over nude photos wife put on Web | Seattle Times Newspaper

You will love the chief's explanation of why he didn't make DW take down the pictures.
"My wife is 6-foot-3 and weighs 300 pounds," said Ozmun, who became chief in January 2005. "If there is somebody that thinks they can control her, have at it. I have tried for 11 years and haven't been able to."

She'll make a hell of an NFL linebacker. Already has the tattoos.
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Old 04-01-2011, 04:59 PM   #276
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In the case of divorce in older life, I suspect my husband is planning for one but isn't saying. He wants to downsize and sell our lovely suburban house that we own jointly (about 5000 sq ft). Then, take the proceeds and buy another lovely home - smaller but similar in size (3500 sq ft). - in his name only on the mortgage and deed. Then take the rest and purchase another one, smaller but still sized nicely (1900 sq ft, not tiny) with 3 br 3baths and close to a pond in our town. This one would be mortgaged by me and deed in my name only. I could understand a house in a vacation town, but these homes are within 10 minutes of each other. He said we can rent the smaller one and live in the larger and more expensive oneI should note the smaller home is a lovely, year round house in a nice neighborhood. He tries to tell me the tax benefit would be worth it. I don't any benefit to selling our jointly owned home, taking the profits and mortgaging and deeding 2 homes completely separately. Why not just buy one home together that is less and saving the money or buying a real vacation home Does this make sense to anyone or does it sound like a plan for a future divorce? We have 2 children at home still, not out of school yet also.
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Old 04-01-2011, 05:27 PM   #277
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I have no idea what your husband's plans might be, but in most states who property is deeded to will have no effect on a property settlement in a divorce. There are attorneys on the board who might offer better information if they see this.

Why not start by asking him to explain his plan to you? It may or not make sense, but it might be a start.

Given that you have small children, you might want to tread carefully, as even if he is getting squirrely the your skillful moves could defuse the whole thing and put it safely down.

Ha
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Old 04-01-2011, 05:28 PM   #278
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I would be suspicious if my husband got that idea. I'd be asking questions.
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Old 04-02-2011, 03:23 PM   #279
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I would definitely be suspicious also. If he is insistent, tell him that you want the house that is free and clear to be in only your own name, and see what he says.
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Old 04-02-2011, 03:53 PM   #280
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Some people are honest and others just are not. Few people ever really regret what they did although they may regret getting caught or regret the other person having pain.

My rule of thumb is if the lips say one thing and the actions say another react to the actions and forget the words.

Regarding what is fair, you divide the pile but let me have first pick. Or let me divide the pile and let you have first pick.

If having one home paid in full while having a smaller home with a mortgage is a great idea, have the paid home in her name and the mortgaged one in his... since it was his idea after all.
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