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Old 11-24-2010, 09:57 AM   #21
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There's no more "having" to get married anymore in today's society, so no shotguns being put to anyone's head.
There ya go...... And that's one of the reasons why financial and other legal considerations go into the decision to either remarry or cohabitate in later life. If remarrying is going to cause issues with pensions, SS, retiree medical coverage, taxes (a big issue) or cause complications with estate planning and that sort of thing, then to heck with it, just live together.
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Old 11-24-2010, 10:01 AM   #22
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I was married. Loved it. Loved the building of a life together and the common history and achievements, including wonderful kids. But it only takes one person to force a divorce and after a very painful (yes, I tried everything including separation, counseling, etc) divorce leaving my kids and I hurt, financially upset and reeling, I would be very surprised if I remarried. First, I can no longer build a lifetime together, mine is half over including the raising kids. Second, I was SURE we were never divorcing and over the years (20+) we were so smug about how we KNEW we were permanent despite seeing others breakup. Third, ouch! Fourth, the financial hit was tremendous and even though we started with nothing, the plans we had for ER were devastated by the split. Fifth, the someone I knew better than anyone, turned out to be different than what I thought I knew. Scary, possibly permanently.

I am very reluctant to put myself in a position to lose half (or more) of what I've built up, and as a successful saver, I'm much more likely to be contributing the majority of assets to any future division of property. I suppose, love conquers all, so if the right person and right situation presents itself, I can never say never. But I'd be astonished, not to mention who'd be interested in bitter, hurt, old me.
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Old 11-24-2010, 10:01 AM   #23
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The reasons for marriage and the expectations for marriage have changed over time.
The reasons for practical marriage - social pressure, children, man works, woman takes care of the home are mostly gone. (I also think it was those things that kept previous marriages together.) While romantic love - soul mate - has gained focus - it is an unrealistic situation. Add to it that we live longer now and being with one person for 50+ years is a bad bet.

I was married for a short period of time and realized it was not for me. I even declined an offer of marriage from a woman once.

So what happens because of people who think about marriage/divorce, finances and the state of the world?
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Old 11-24-2010, 10:08 AM   #24
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Guys, I was under the impression that married men live longer, even after accounting for relativistic temporal distortion caused by marital stress.

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Originally Posted by Bestwifeever View Post
There's no more "having" to get married anymore in today's society, so no shotguns being put to anyone's head.
Other than the military's co-location policy...
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Old 11-24-2010, 10:16 AM   #25
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Extremely timely post for me as I was married back in May of this year to the woman who I was 99.9% sure was going to be my partner for life.

Here we are, six months later, and I'm filing divorce papers before the end of the year. I'm sure many of you will make assumptions along the lines of us not giving it enough effort or time and I won't bother to get into the details, but I will tell you that those assumptions would be incorrect.

That being said, neither of us is bitter toward each other and at 28 years old, I still have high hopes for meeting someone who I'm a little more compatible with and eventually, get married and start a family. Whether that's realistic or not, I haven't a clue, but I'm definitely not the jaded type who has completely given up on the institution of marriage. The key is finding the right woman - and vetting the living hell out of her

I realize that I may be a bit of an exception in this case being that I was married and will be divorced at such an early age, however I just wanted to offer an additional perspective.
Thanks for sharing Jim. IMO, the best divorces are often the quickest.

You are not alone- one of my sons was marreid at 22, divorced at 25. A 53 year old woman friend of mine was married at 22, divorced at 24, then stayed single until she allowed herself to become pregnant at 39. She then married the father, and they are very happy Unfortunately he is now very ill, so they are facing that issue now.

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Old 11-24-2010, 10:33 AM   #26
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Even though I've been happily married for 28 years, I feel marriage/monogamy is far too much work to be "natural", and is more likely a cultural construct. The statistics are horrendous, especially considering how hard it is to get a divorce, the financial devastation, stigmas of the past (religious and otherwise), fear of STD's and Aids, etc. How about all the should be divorce statistics?...separated fathers and mothers who never got married? How about all the miserable people who never get divorced?
I've always believed in the evolutionary "standard narrative" that alpha males competed for sex with limited numbers of coy females. The book Sex At Dawn completely changed my mind. Here is a shorter article with some of the main points.
Monogamy unnatural for our sexy species - CNN.com
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Old 11-24-2010, 10:48 AM   #27
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Are you trying to equate monogamy with marriage Pete?
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Old 11-24-2010, 11:05 AM   #28
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To refocus on the FIRE issue, I am a big believer in antenuptial agreements for marriages between retired people. My late FIL had one and it solved a whole host of problems. I will say it did/does treat my "step-mother-in-law" very fairly. She has a lifetime personal residence right in the house, his federal survivor pension and an annuity that helps maintain the house. A separate fund he set up pays the taxes on the house. She is a very nice lady, and was a fine grandmother to my children who were both born after DW's mother died. But having a clear fair and fully funded deal prevented a lot of heartache.
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Old 11-24-2010, 11:11 AM   #29
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First marriage lasted 19years and ended in a very bitter and costly(for me- over $5million) I got a fantastic daughter out of the deal. Would do it again. Second wife (15years) is a saint and no doubt this one will last till you know. Shouldn't have gotten married so young the first time. People change a lot at least up to their early thirties I think.
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Old 11-24-2010, 11:18 AM   #30
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Even though I've been happily married for 28 years, I feel marriage/monogamy is far too much work to be "natural", and is more likely a cultural construct.
Monogamy unnatural for our sexy species - CNN.com
Without question both Marriage and Monogamy are cultural constructs. They are very different. One of my Nigerian students was wrote her paper for my class on the problem of importing software that only has input fields for one wife. Many cultures also have a wide variety of types of marriage.
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Old 11-24-2010, 11:20 AM   #31
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Strangest of all to me is when I have commented that I would consider remarrying IF the right guy came along, every single woman I know who has been married for over 30 years (yes, I said every single woman) says to forget it, stay single so you don't have to answer to anyone else and can do what you want. This tells me something...



(Course, I like W2R's setup myself...)
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Old 11-24-2010, 11:26 AM   #32
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I do not want to ever marry again, and Frank is willing to put up with that. He and I are happily unmarried.

"If it ain't broke, why fix it?"

Quote:
Originally Posted by youbet
It's a real plus/strength in today's world if a couple can separate the emotional and romantic aspects of their relationship from the financial and legal aspects and act appropriately. For older folks, say someone considering remarriage past mid-life after a death or divorce, the gov't is stacking the deck against marriage from a financial point of view.
+1 The above describes our situation. Our emotional and romantic committment to one another is as complete as anyone's, and that did not require any state sanctions.

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Why, thank you! I like it myself.

But each to his own, and for those married folks who are happy, I say "more power to you!" We all need to be happy in life and in our relationship or relationships, and whatever works is best.
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Old 11-24-2010, 11:29 AM   #33
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Perhaps I missed it, but I don't think anyone has mentioned the long term care issue. It's surprising. One might want to remarry to have someone to help with the difficulties of old age.
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Old 11-24-2010, 11:52 AM   #34
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Perhaps I missed it, but I don't think anyone has mentioned the long term care issue. It's surprising. One might want to remarry to have someone to help with the difficulties of old age.
If you are not married, and your partner wants to take care of you when you need it, in either the short or long term, then the problem is solved. Commitments like that do not require state sanction. I would not marry someone to force him to take care of me if he really didn't want be doing that.

One nice thing about being unmarried (and in my case, not living together and with completely separate finances) is the Medicaid issue, at least as I understand it. It seems to me that if one partner needs to spend down his money to qualify for Medicaid, the other partner's money is not involved and would not have to be spent down as well. So I would speculate that he/she is not left destitute after the sick partner dies or is dying.
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Old 11-24-2010, 11:57 AM   #35
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I would far rather be in the position where I could pay someone to care for me in old age than rely on a spouse, boyfriend, or child to take care of me <shudder>.

Jim, I'm sorry to hear things haven't worked out for y'all, but it is probably for the best to go ahead and get it over with.
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Old 11-24-2010, 11:58 AM   #36
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Perhaps I missed it, but I don't think anyone has mentioned the long term care issue. It's surprising. One might want to remarry to have someone to help with the difficulties of old age.
Along these lines, does anyone know the specifics of trying to have a [not married to you] SO take care of you when you are not able to express your own wishes (e.g. unconscious, suffering from dementia, etc.)?

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Old 11-24-2010, 12:04 PM   #37
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I would far rather be in the position where I could pay someone to care for me in old age than rely on a spouse, boyfriend, or child to take care of me <shudder>.
+1 The thought of marrying someone that I might not otherwise marry, in order to obtain a caregiver seems pretty ghoulish to me. I'd rather take financial responsibility for my LTC.
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Old 11-24-2010, 12:22 PM   #38
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First marriage in mid-twenties was a disaster. Fortunately brief.

Second marriage in early-thirties - fantastic. Still really enjoying this one. Hope we have many more decades together.

I have a feeling like some folks I learned a lot from my first experience that helped me find a much better/more compatible partner. The 30+ statistic may also be telling.

Never planned to have kids so that was never a motivation, but I enjoy being married to my best friend and having a household together.

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Old 11-24-2010, 01:00 PM   #39
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Strangest of all to me is when I have commented that I would consider remarrying IF the right guy came along, every single woman I know who has been married for over 30 years (yes, I said every single woman) says to forget it, stay single so you don't have to answer to anyone else and can do what you want. This tells me something...
(Course, I like W2R's setup myself...)
This seems a bit of a contradiction to real life. The stereotype, and there is some significant truth to it, is that in long-married couples the wife is more likely to be the one telling the husband what he can and cannot do. Hence the term "henpecked husband." Likewise, women are the ones often clamoring for marriage, so perhaps the advice you received is the voice of experience (i.e., don't push to get married so much, it's not all it's cracked up to be).
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Old 11-24-2010, 01:09 PM   #40
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Save for serious money losses (taxes, pensions...) I would marry again. Too old fashioned not to----- if I wanted to live with that person. Where I live peer and social pressure still count
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