The Technology of tracking your college freshman...

[Blue Collar Guy]

,,,,,........ You do realize that you can't even legally get access to your son's grades without his permission?

these are just technicalities, hahah, no jury would ever convict

 

[aja8888]

these are just technicalities, hahah, no jury would ever convict

Especially if Dad is writing the checks for the student's tuition, books, room & board.

 

[GrayHare]

How does the student feel about such monitoring?

 

[euro]

How does the student feel about such monitoring?

What he don't know, won't hurt him

 

[brett]

I am at a complete loss as to why a parent would want to 'spy' on the child at college or university. What good would come of it?

If you do not trust your child at this point, then it is game over.

Let them be themselves, make their own mistakes, learn from them, move forward, mature, and above all enjoy the college/university experience. And get on with your own life.

 

[chris2008]

Your son will know soon, due to strange questions from you, strange looks and talk.
If he has self respect, he will put a lot of effort into hiding his private life from then on.
It will undermine your relationship long term.
If you believe to have done a good job in parenting so far, you better think twice and respect privacy of this young adult.

 

[flintnational]

Three day weekend and he's an hour and a half away. I guess we will know if he's coming home when the door opens...

I loved my parents dearly. When I first went off to college, I did not go home for 8 weeks. Did I mention that home was only 80 miles away!! If I recall correctly, they have women, beer and football weekends at college. Now that I think about it, does your son need a room mate?

FN

 

[Philliefan33]

I am at a complete loss as to why a parent would want to 'spy' on the child at college or university. What good would come of it?

If you do not trust your child at this point, then it is game over.

Let them be themselves, make their own mistakes, learn from them, move forward, mature, and above all enjoy the college/university experience. And get on with your own life.

+1

Trust that if they get into trouble they don't want to handle on their own, the first call will be to mom and dad.

 

[rayinpenn]

I am at a complete loss as to why a parent would want to 'spy' on the child at college or university. What good would come of it?

If you do not trust your child at this point, then it is game over.

Let them be themselves, make their own mistakes, learn from them, move forward, mature, and above all enjoy the college/university experience. And get on with your own life.

Checking that your child is eating when he told us he was skimping on dinner is "spying"? your kidding right? If it is I plead guilty- did you ever wonder why so many college kids get mono? I reminded him how it is important to get a balanced meal in him. He knows we care.

We also check on his grades... guess what it's my dime and I told him if he doesn't do well it's community college for him. I'll buy myself a nice fishing boat with the money we save.

This isn't my first rodeo - his summa cum Laude sister landed a very nice position with a huge firm and is in graduate school. Same deal do well or I pull the plug. I knew she was eating and hit the gym daily.
Do well and you get a semester in Australia, she loved it.

A bit of background...

Finally I know this kid ... he stopped doing his advanced math homework when he realized his high test scores would get him a B. His personal life is his own but when it comes to his grades and health yeah we get involved.

A year or so ago he was an addicted puffy computer gamer - staying up all hours to play. So we mandated he get a job ... he did and at the same time hit a growth spurt and lost a good deal of weight. This taller kid needs to eat as his 32 inch jeans are falling off him.

 

[RE2Boys]

I hear ya, Ray. Leaving in a few minutes to make the 80 mile drive to visit our freshman college son. Dropped him off ten days ago and have heard little from him. Exchanged a few texts and emails to take care of business matters (tell him his last summer paycheck arrived, a scholarship check came in the mail, and coordinate purchase of textbooks).
Mom is disappointed he hasn't called to talk.

We've got a cover, the HS soccer team he was a varsity player on just a year ago opens its season today at the HS right across the street from the college campus. Plan to go to the game with him, have a late lunch, and head home. Fully suspect he will spend half the time with his old teammates.

 

[sengsational]

If I had to do it again, I'd have a self-reporting agreement in place. I'd start at age 12 with "If I pay for college, I want a weekly report of your academic status". That may sound "helicopterish" but I'm sure that a bit of advice would have saved a lot of teeth gnashing. All that being said, both graduated in 4 years from internationally recognized universities.

As to finances, I first tried a detailed approach, which got zero cooperation. So I changed over to using the university budget, and sending a weekly amount. Before going there, I made sure they knew that if they didn't plan properly, they couldn't come to me to bail them out. That worked great...I set up the periodic transfer and never heard boo about their financial decisions, and they never hit me up for more. Now, if we get audited on the 529 spend, we will have to dig up the credit card details, but I doubt that will happen.

 

[KM]

So DD was a gymnast throughout her younger years. She was thrilled to find out her college of choice had a gymnastics club in fact, it helped finalize her decision.

Like most parents, I worried a lot when I dropped her off there - 800 miles from home. She was pretty shy throughout high school. Would she make enough friends? How will she handle partying? Would she go out drinking to make friends, etc, etc.... The alcohol and parties had been my sons downfall [emoji20]

About two weeks after we left her I get this message from her....

DD - im so proud of myself. I did the bars tonight!

Me (*bad feeling in the out of my stomach....but not wanting to lose it* - Really, honey? But your only 18. I didn't think you were old enough to do the bars. Or do they just let you in but not serve you?

DD - *silence*

Me - Hello?

DD - are you serious or was that just a bad joke?

Me - What?

DD - OMG, Ma! I did the bars. I went to the gym and worked out....on the UNEVEN bars. What the hell...?

Me - [emoji15] Whoops

I stopped worrying about her after that [emoji14]

 

[brett]

Well....since you are paying for the whole shot you might just want to move into the dorm with him and shadow him for his entire first year. And perhaps have is marked assignments given to you for verification since you paid his tuition.

I did very well at university and landed a great job and a great career. This had nothing to do with how we treated our son or daughter. We certainly did not spy on either of our children when they went to university. Nor did my parents 'spy' on me when I was in college and then university.

Bottom line is that they are either mature or they are not. They either want to do it or they do not. At the end of the day nagging and spying won't work. They are in charge of their own lives now, regardless of who is paying for it. Your work is complete.

The real question is whether or not you think that your child is mature enough to attend a post secondary institution (local or remote) and be successful academically and socially.

 

[splitwdw]

Ray, When you first posted he had only been gone about a week and you had 2 conversations and were checking up on his eating habits.

Does he have a eating disorder that he's not eating?
When he was home, he was "on his computer gaming staying up until 2am and getting up at midday." Did this same behavior follow him to college?
We are all different, it sounds like you are comparing him to his sister.

My roommates' mother called all the time and would drop in for visits. She didn't want to go home during the holidays and breaks because her mom was driving her nuts. She came home with me a couple of times and her mother called her twice a day and called my mom to check on her.
Parents worry, that's their job but maybe take another look at how you and Mrs. Ray are treating him.

 

[Bestwifeever]

I and my two best friends flew 1000 miles and made the mistake of surprising DD on her birthday late in her freshman year. Someone in DD's college/dorm was laughing quite hard when she let us onto their floor late morning, where in DD's room we found several young people still asleep (I mean passed out) in the room, and someone had obviously thrown up in a trashcan. Everyone in that room graduated with honors but oh my!

Neither of our kids' schools ever sent parents the grades, ever.

 

[Amethyst]

I lived with my parents while attending undergraduate school. My father, who was retired, was extremely old-fashioned and strict. I even had a midnight curfew until I was 20. Nevertheless, he had no idea what I got up to on campus (which wasn't much, but it could have been, if I'd been so inclined). As for monitoring, I am sure that if Big Brother had been around back then, I could have foiled him if I'd wanted to. College kids are smart, remember.

 

[rayinpenn]

DD - OMG, Ma! I did the bars. I went to the gym and worked out....on the UNEVEN bars. What the hell...?

Me - [emoji15] Whoops

I stopped worrying about her after that [emoji14]

Now that is funny...

 

[rayinpenn]

Ray, When you first posted he had only been gone about a week and you had 2 conversations and were checking up on his eating habits.

Actually he told the Mrs he wasn't eating in the cafe. The school is small and there is limited options. I spoke to him once and reminded him to eat.
1) He lost a lot of weight recently
2) The meal plan cost several thousand and we opted for the most meals.

Subsequently We've checked his bill to make sure there were charges from the cafe.

All conversations (few and limited) have been texts initiated by him and business related. I.e. How do I the wash?

When he was home, he was "on his computer gaming staying up until 2am and getting up at midday." Did this same behavior follow him to college?

I have no idea but I hope not - he's got 9AM classes Monday - Friday.

 

[Amethyst]

Be concerned with his results (grades). If these turn out good - how he gets them is up to him.

A
I have no idea but I hope not - he's got 9AM classes Monday - Friday.

 

[rayinpenn]

Be concerned with his results (grades). If these turn out good - how he gets them is up to him.

Couldn't agree more...

 

[socca]

One of my favorite sayings about parenting (never been one, never will be one) is "Good parents provide their kids with roots and wings."

The bad news for the OP is that his son has flown the coop. His son will have to manage with the wings he has. Let him go. No more remote monitoring!

Just my opinion.

 

[Moemg]

One of my favorite sayings about parenting (never been one, never will be one) is "Good parents provide their kids with roots and wings."

The bad news for the OP is that his son has flown the coop. His son will have to manage with the wings he has. Let him go. No more remote monitoring!

Just my opinion.

I have to agree and I am a parent .

 

[rayinpenn]

The bad news for the OP is that his son has flown the coop.

Actually I thought it was good news for him to get out of the rut he was in. Work (they wanted too many hours), gaming too isolated. By the by he didn't fly the coop he got kicked out of the nest. I loved college, thought it was great for me, it was for the daughter and I hope it will be for him as well.

Update: he walked in about 7:00 last night, stayed up about 1/2 hour said he was exhausted and went to bed. Where he remains at this moment I predict stirring about 10:30AM (new 9AM class habits). Amazing thing! He came home with books in tow. Unbelievable.

We asked why he did come home after class he responded "too lazy".
Earlier in the day we exchanged some text on the Penn State game (Crushed Akron 52-0) I figure penn state has so much of my money I might as well root for them. Yeah the timings right they are a very solid team once again.

 

[Amethyst]

Is he on the main campus, or a satellite? Main campus looks like such a fun place. I think only the most jaded young person would get bored there.

A

We asked why he did come home after class he responded "too lazy".
Earlier in the day we exchanged some text on the Penn State game (Crushed Akron 52-0) I figure penn state has so much of my money I might as well root for them. Yeah the timings right they are a very solid team once again.

 

[rayinpenn]

I sit here in utter amazement; not only did he open a book (calculus). He spent a good three hours on his homework. Fortunately my daughter and her boyfriend were home and both tutored calculus in college. Plenty of help was sought and given.

I was so impressed I stayed up and helped him craft his first paper for his English class. The subject was what did I learn from my first job. Working in a supermarket for just above minimum wage and dealing with nasty customers provided plenty of fodder ...

Metamorphosis? I am hopeful. I encouraged him to get tutorial help and join a study group. Calculus has been the Bain of many a freshmen's existence. I believe If the help is available go and get it.