tough love -- college decisions

[Teacher Terry]

It doesn’t matter what you or your wife thinks. It’s about what your son wants. I worry because with your son’s issues he could be at a higher risk of suicide. Don’t pressure him.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

His shyness and or social anxiety is holding him back. Unfortunately there isn't anything I can do to help him with that issue.

There's actually a lot you can do to help young adults with shyness and social anxiety. You've received many good suggestions in this thread and there are entire books on the subject, Dale Carnegie type courses and sometimes therapy might be in order. Social skills can be learned just like learning to play a musical instrument, ride a bike or drive a car. But acquiring new skills isn't usually just a spontaneous event. Learning a new skill often takes lessons, coaching and lot of practice.

Does you son know how to ask open ended questions, offer social invitations likely to be accepted, prepare topics for conversations, be a good listener, etc.?

 

[rayinpenn]

Your son sounds like me when I started college ... time, some successes and exposure to lots of people cured all that. I sent both DS and DD on week long church missions to impoverished areas; I think the fellowship helped. It will all come in his time.

 

[Al in Ohio]

As a retired engineer it’s good to hear about his interest, but you do realize it’s probably the most difficult bachelors degree major in college you can attempt. It’s harder than pre Med pre law etc. More than 50% drop out before end of freshman year. And almost all of those were in their top 10% of their Hs class with close to 4.0 gpa. He might consider another STEM related major not so rigorous?
The other concern would be that community colleges don’t offer a true accredited engineering degree. That requires a four year program at a large accredited university.

All that aside, thanks for the updates and good luck with your son. I hope HE figures things out and chooses a path he enjoys and finds rewarding that he can thrive in.

 

[Luck_Club]

OP -- Update..

This topic got a huge amount of interest 13K+ views, so I can assume, we are not the only one to have faced such a difficult decision. To recap, our son was in our opinion not ready to handle college, so we forced (incentive strongly) a 1 year gap year in Ireland. While in Ireland he went to college, so he essentially is duplicating his first year studies.

He didn't fully take advantage of the opportunity in our eyes but it did turn out pretty good. He didn't join clubs or travel as we had hoped, but did go out with friends to the pubs and clubs. We both think he has grown tremendously in this past year. He is showing and taking initiative on his own to shape his future, which is what we had wanted all along.

Was it the extra time, was it the living on his own, was it the different perspective being in a foreign country? We don't know if it was 1 or all of them. What we do know is he has matured, and we feel better about his ability to handle the college experience.
He decided he wanted to go to the state school and didn't want to live in the dorms based on his friends horror stories. He found his housemate, off campus housing, and arranged it all on his own. Something he wouldn't have done last year. He learned CAD well enough to get a full time summer job using the skills at 1.5X the typical summer job wages. He even admitted he wouldn't have been able to do that until his junior year at State U.

He returns for the final few weeks, and then he will be able to color it done. Some day he may look back and appreciate it, but even if he doesn't if it gives him the drive to succeed at state U, we will feel as if we did good by him.

 

[lhamo]

Glad to hear it turned out so positively for all of you.

If he can, he should go talk with the International or Study Abroad advisors before he registers -- they may well be able to award him at least partial credits for the courses he took in Ireland. It would be a shame if he didn't at least try.

 

[HI Bill]

In my opinion, a community college is a waste of timee if someone truly wants to be an engineer.

I have to disagree on this one. I went to CC, and took 3 semesters of Calculus, 3 semesters of chemistry, and 3 semesters of physics. Also took statisics, properties of materials, etc. I was slow to develop mathematically, and had to start at the bottom rung, re-taking algebra and geometry. But myself (and a close friend) both made it through these classes at community college and moved on to the #1 or 2 party school in CA at the time. He went on to become an aerospace engineer, and now owns and runs his own aviation parts company, making high-performance propellers. I went on to become a successful project manager, now running >$10M in projects. Without CC, at my mental, emotional, and math stage of development, it's doubtful I would have made it through a 4-year BS college.

 

[HI Bill]

Here's my 2 cents (oops, too late). Forego any foreign schools. Credits and classes and other things don't usually translate/transfer well.

I would go with a peformance-based offer. Start out with taking a minimum of xx units in a CC. If your son brings his GPA up to 3.xx (taking pre-reqs), then after a year, you'll send him to the state school.

 

[target2019]

Was it the extra time, was it the living on his own, was it the different perspective being in a foreign country? We don't know if it was 1 or all of them. What we do know is he has matured, and we feel better about his ability to handle the college experience.
He decided he wanted to go to the state school and didn't want to live in the dorms based on his friends horror stories. He found his housemate, off campus housing, and arranged it all on his own. Something he wouldn't have done last year. He learned CAD well enough to get a full time summer job using the skills at 1.5X the typical summer job wages. He even admitted he wouldn't have been able to do that until his junior year at State U.

He returns for the final few weeks, and then he will be able to color it done. Some day he may look back and appreciate it, but even if he doesn't if it gives him the drive to succeed at state U, we will feel as if we did good by him.

Your instincts were correct. Congratulations. The foreign experience will pay off in the future, also.

 

[ivinsfan]

This is great. It looks like no long lasting fallout between you and your boy about the way things worked out in the last year. That's the most important thing IMO.

And I salute you for standing back and letting him enter the state school. I know it wasn't the school you wanted him to attend. He'll be fine not being in the dorms after his year away solo.

Check in now and then and tell us how he is doing.