What would you do about an alcoholic relative?

[H2ODude]

Reading threads like this chills me to the bone. So many drunks behind the wheel, and apparently there's nothing anyone can do about them. It's a reason why I don't road bike much anymore, and why I say a little prayer every time my husband goes out for a ride.

I don't road bike anymore either but I don't give a thought to the drunks in the daytime (and I know they operate all hours). It's the people on the phones/texting. Almost every time I'm out I see weaving, poking way below speed limit, and when pass can see the use of the phone. I'm sure it's one of your other reasons too, but I really fear the distracted in the daytime more than the inebriated.

 

[Rianne]

I knew 3 of these people who were killed. They were generous, kind incredible people. One of the men left behind a wife with lung cancer.

New trial date set in Kalamazoo fatal bicycle crash | MLive.com

 

[MRG]

I don't road bike anymore either but I don't give a thought to the drunks in the daytime (and I know they operate all hours). It's the people on the phones/texting. Almost every time I'm out I see weaving, poking way below speed limit, and when pass can see the use of the phone. I'm sure it's one of your other reasons too, but I really fear the distracted in the daytime more than the inebriated.

Yeah a lady rear ended me on I70 because she was texting. Of course in MO . its legal.

 

[TimeMeasure]

I’ve heard from some of her friends that she is regularly driving after drinking and weaving all over the road. My sister doesn’t admit she has a problem or take responsibility for the consequences.
I’ve considered reporting her to local police as someone they should monitor. I’d feel really bad if she killed or seriously injured someone. At the same I time, I don’t want to cause additional problems in her life so I haven’t done anything yet.
If she found out I reported her to local police, she’d probably never speak to me again. She is my only living family.
What would you do?

Implied in your post are actually two separate questions:

1 - Do you have any obligation to do anything at all?
(and as you stated, risk ending speaking relations with a sister)

2 - If you are obligated to do anything, then what would you do?
(i.e., what would be effective, if anything)

On the 1st question ("Do you have any obligation to do anything at all?") -

With all due respect: How can this even be a question?

Can empathize with not wanting to strain or end relations in your family, particularly if your sister is your only living family. That must be a painful dilemma. But no one deserves to have speaking relations with a family member - at the expense of another person's life. No one deserves to preserve the illusion of a healthy family of their own - if the cost is the reality of the destruction of another family.

There is no point in being overly diplomatic on such matters. If your sister kills a wife, or a husband, in another family, how much satisfaction will it bring to still be on speaking terms with a sister, knowing that that death is not only your sister's responsibility - but also partly yours, because you knew the risk and, knowingly, did nothing?

On the 2nd question ("If you are obligated to do anything, then what would you do?") -

As others have said, effective options are limited - but that does not mean there are none worth trying. To expand on what others have said:

There are no easy answers. Unless it’s a very small town I doubt the police will “monitor” anyone, they can only respond if you alert them of a drunk driving while she’s driving drunk. There is no right answer, but we’d prioritize not harming herself or other innocents - over her not speaking to us. But unless you can report her in real time, you’re probably not accomplishing anything.
...
Talk to the local police and ask them.
...
Unfortunately most alcoholics have to ‘hit bottom’ before they’ll wake up, and hitting bottom can hurt many other loved ones along the way.

Some good points here. Would qualify, however. Although the police may not actively monitor someone, it would almost certainly help them to know of a problem actor. And if you can furthermore let them know of certain days, or times of day, when there is likely to be drunk driving, they might very well be willing to time their patrols so as to be able to observe infractions indicative of drunk driving.

Exactly. OP, what would you ask the police to do, set up a surveillance team to follow her around? Do you realize how much time and resources that would take? That's just not something that the police can or would do.

See above. Also see article referred to below. There are more actions, and outcomes, possible than simply a binary choice of "do nothing" vs. "notify the police and they will perform surveillance."

If she is your only family, I assume she has no kids, ex husband, or anyone else that could observe her driving and report it to the police. The actual "crime in progress" is what gets the police to act.

This is not necessarily true in every jurisdiction. Witness this article, describing an incident in which a wife's knowledge of her husband's drunk driving was sufficient to prompt a state trooper (notice: not even "small town" police, but a state trooper) to follow her husband. Although the case against her husband was ultimately dismissed, that does not negate the fundamental point: A tip from a family member was sufficient to prompt police to follow a drunk driver, and had that drunk driver committed a vehicular infraction, the charges would have stuck - and lives potentially would have been saved.

I would still call her local DMV. They might have a way to notate her record, and procedures in place for this sort of thing.

Either way, I'd feel compelled to do something. Not to save her, that you can't do. But to save a potential victim when she risks vehicular homicide on a regular basis.

Bingo.

 

[JustCurious]

Although the police may not actively monitor someone, it would almost certainly help them to know of a problem actor. And if you can furthermore let them know of certain days, or times of day, when there is likely to be drunk driving, they might very well be willing to time their patrols so as to be able to observe infractions indicative of drunk driving.

This is nonsense. How exactly would it help for them to know that someone has a drinking problem? Law enforcement agencies are already overworked and under-resourced as it is, do you really think they have the resources and ability to "time their patrols" in response to someone who "lets them know of certain days or times of day when there is likely to be drunk driving" based on a random telephone call received from someone far away? You've got to be kidding.

 

[JustCurious]

They won't (and can't) do anything. Can you imagine all the notations on your (or anyone's) permanent record if all someone had to do was call in and report a suspicion? Every time you annoy someone they'd report you for something. Heck, I could dedicate my life to reporting people DWT'ing and never make a dent.

Thank you harley for posting this. I am constantly amazed by how many people have a paternalistic view of how our government agencies should function. I mean seriously, what if all you had to do was pick up the phone and "report" someone to the DMV and that would result in a "notation on their permanent record"? LOL It's so ridiculous I can't even write it without laughing. I can imagine getting pulled over and having the following interaction with a law enforcement officer...


Me: "Officer, may I ask why you pulled me over?"

Officer: "Mr. Justcurious, I ran your tag and I found that you have several notations on your permanent record. I see one of them was called in by a former girlfriend, she complained that you are an unsafe driver, she noted that you drove without wearing your seat belt one day, and you did a rolling stop at a stop sign another day."

Me: "I'm sorry about that officer, will you be writing me a citation?"

Officer: "I will let you off with a warning today Mr. Justcurious, but these notations on your permanent record are serious matters, and we will need you to come to the station and fill out a questionnaire regarding your driving habits and daily routine so that we can arrange for directed patrols to monitor your behavior."

Me: "Thank you officer, what time should I come to the station."

Officer: "Please follow me."

 

[Gumby]

A penchant for authoritarianism comes in many flavors, and those supporting it always have some good and noble reason. Just think of all the things that are justified by the need to "protect the children" or "fight the terrorists". It is a normal human reaction upon seeing problems to think that something must be done. Which is why we need to carefully step back and see if the solution might be as bad as the problem. Logic needs to prevail over emotion.

 

[kitesurfer2]

Thank you harley for posting this. I am constantly amazed by how many people have a paternalistic view of how our government agencies should function. I mean seriously, what if all you had to do was pick up the phone and "report" someone to the DMV and that would result in a "notation on their permanent record"? LOL It's so ridiculous I can't even write it without laughing. I can imagine getting pulled over and having the following interaction with a law enforcement officer...


Me: "Officer, may I ask why you pulled me over?"

Officer: "Mr. Justcurious, I ran your tag and I found that you have several notations on your permanent record. I see one of them was called in by a former girlfriend, she noted that you drove without wearing your seat belt one day, and you did a rolling stop at a stop sign another day."

Me: "I'm sorry about that officer, will you be writing me a citation?"

Officer: "I will let you off with a warning today Mr. Justcurious, but these notations on your permanent record are serious matters, and we will need you to come to the station and fill out a questionnaire regarding your driving habits and daily routine so that we can arrange for directed patrols to monitor your behavior."

Me: "Thank you officer, what time should I come to the station."

Officer: "Please follow me."

And that was the exact conversation we had

 

[brucethebroker]

Exactly. OP, what would you ask the police to do, set up a surveillance team to follow her around? Do you realize how much time and resources that would take? That's just not something that the police can or would do.

+1. My guess is that the police would politely tell OP that they were too busy solving REAL crimes: murder, robbery, terrorism, to follow Sis around.

 

[harley]

A penchant for authoritarianism comes in many flavors, and those supporting it always have some good and noble reason. Just think of all the things that are justified by the need to "protect the children" or "fight the terrorists". It is a normal human reaction upon seeing problems to think that something must be done. Which is why we need to carefully step back and see if the solution might be as bad as the problem. Logic needs to prevail over emotion.

+1000. The results of the law of unintended consequences are brutal.


As far as the OP's issue, if your sister really drives drunk a lot and is weaving all over the road, the odds are good that she'll get busted one of these days. And spending the night in the drunk tank is an amazing wake up call. And while there is a possibility of someone getting killed or hurt because of her driving drunk, people drive drunk all the time and nobody dies. There's really nothing you can do except hope she either gets popped or figures it out on her own. You're right about one thing, reporting her to the police will only result in ending your relationship (assuming she finds out) without actually accomplishing anything from a safety perspective. I wish her good luck, and hope she does figure things out and turns her life around.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Even if the police flagged her plate, would they actively track it? If her driving behavior is suspicious enough that the police run her plate, I imagine they will pull her over whether the plate is flagged or not.

The owners of the bas might be interested to know that she is being overserved, but I don’t know how you would get that secondhand information to them, but perhaps her friends could.

 

[Redbugdave]

You have no control over anyone but yourself. Not even your spouse. Looking at it another way...each adult is responsible for themselves unless you are their legal guardian. No sense in worrying about something you have no control over.

Ponderings...Us human beings are supposed to be self analyzing and able to function on a higher level than animals. But, in real life that is not the case. I watch people make the same life mistakes over and over. Many do not seem to have the ability to come to any self realization enough to make change. I think alcohol is a symptom of a deeper illness inside.

 

[f35phixer]

Sounds like she’s been stopped before. I had friend who was mandated to pay to have Breathalyzer installed in his car. One possible solution.... if over car won’t start.

 

[Rianne]

IMHO, you can't force confidence, motivation, happiness, sobriety, work ethics or those internal things that drive a personality. A child from a crisis background, unbelievably horrible upbringing circumstances such as abuse and poverty can (and many are) successful achievers and grow into stable adulthood.

And children from stable middle/upper class upbringing, love from parents, good schools...can become addicts or attracted to living on the streets. What drives that internal engine, who knows? Science can't figure it out. How many young or adult people go to rehab, time and time again with no avail? It's internal and works only if one allows it to work.

 

[Denverite]

Reading threads like this chills me to the bone. So many drunks behind the wheel, and apparently there's nothing anyone can do about them. It's a reason why I don't road bike much anymore, and why I say a little prayer every time my husband goes out for a ride.

+1

Had a good friend in my hometown who was killed by a drunk driver while bike riding on the road. Hit from behind by a vehicle going about 60 mph. I stick to the bike trails when riding.

Also have an alcoholic brother for whom my siblings and I have tried everything to help. Nothing has worked. As noted previously, you cannot help someone who does not want/refuses to be helped.

 

[braumeister]

You have no control over anyone but yourself.

Even that may be carrying it too far.
If I really had control over myself, I wouldn't have these unnecessary ten pounds!

 

[Elbata]

Reading threads like this chills me to the bone. So many drunks behind the wheel, and apparently there's nothing anyone can do about them. It's a reason why I don't road bike much anymore, and why I say a little prayer every time my husband goes out for a ride.

Yep. That's why one shouldn't be upset when motorcycles squeeze between lanes. I don't mind someone running a red light in front of me, or pulling over in my lane when I'm right next to them. It's the one behind me I can't control. And it only needs to happen once.

 

[Dash man]

My alcoholic relatives are all dead from liver disease thankfully, and not by an accident ruining another family’s life. A friend of mine is in recovery and skipped town rather than face the charges when he was arrested and got the wake up call. He’s been sober for twelve years and I convinced him to return and face the music in his former home town. I paid his air fare to fly back so he could turn himself in and he paid for an attorney. Thirty days in the county jail and he is so happy to have the elephant off his back. He’s still clean and is getting his life together. His main concern now is finding a nice Catholic girl and getting married.
I guess the moral of this story is to be there when they hit bottom, because they will. That’s when they’ll need the support. There is nothing you can do before that IMO. Pray for them to not hurt anyone along the way. Alcoholism is a disease that requires the individual to decide when its time to ask for help. Be there when they do.

 

[unclemick]

I also recommend Al-Anon, for you, not for her. I wear a bracelet with the “Serenity Prayer” carved into it so I can help remember that I am powerless over another’s drinking.
I would also encourage her friends to turn her in when she is about to drive impaired. Many of us feel your pain

+1 more.

I lived 30 years in New Orleans.

heh heh heh -

 

[ivinsfan]

The problem here is that the cops can't even keep track of the known drunks on the road.

In this state (MN) I can't tell you how many repeat offenders driving without a license cause accidents and kill people while impaired. in a recent case one driver got his 20 plus DWI leaving a local bar. Patrons call in and or the cops park outside waiting for the guy to leave so they can arrest him yet again. At 20 DWI's what can the person have left to lose, probably no job, alienated or no family..they are in a dire situation.

If you lived locally and knew when and where your family member was driving drunk you have a shot at getting her arrested, but off the road for good that's another story.

 

[Scuba]

OP here. I really can’t predict when she might drink & drive. She mostly drinks at home and is retired so has no regular daily time that she’s on the road. I appreciate everyone’s input.

 

[harley]

She mostly drinks at home

See, she's not as irresponsible as you thought!

 

[kgtest]

Sounds like she’s been stopped before. I had friend who was mandated to pay to have Breathalyzer installed in his car. One possible solution.... if over car won’t start.

IMO this is the best way to stop someone from driving drunk. NO way to trick it since it requires you to blow into it every so often while driving.

I watched a girl sit on her rump last year waiting for her ignition to unlock. She eventually "took a nap" instead of "driving drunk" since the lock wouldn't let her start her car.

I actually had a sigh of relief seeing that device actually prevent someone from doing something really dumb, and for once I didn't have to roll around with them in the grass wrestling keys away.

 

[Scuba]

See, she's not as irresponsible as you thought!

Yeah, except then she goes out afterwards at times.