working wife w/retired husband support group

[Moemg]

I've got to be sure my DW never See's this thread.
This fix her breakfast & pack lunch stuff is frightening.
Steve

Leave her an instant oatmeal package and a few bucks for lunch and you are good to go !

 

[Katsmeow]

how much longer do you plan to work

My answers are sort of semi.

DH retired and I work part time doing part of my work in the office 1 or 2 days a week and then the rest at home. I'm 7 years younger than DH and I guess I'll do it until it isn't fun any more. Right now, I have the advantage of being able to do the fun part of work but without the stress and things I didn't like when working full time.

how long has he been retired

Since last June.

what does he do that drives you crazy

Not a lot. Or, rather, nothing new. However, I noticed recently that now that he is home all the time he seems to, well, get irritated by me more than in the past. Certain things that never seemed to bother him before now seem to perhaps because he is around them more. We were sharing an office at home until a few days ago. I had to laugh at your mention of World of Warcraft because DH and I are avid players. We both play quite a bit. However, we have entirely different playing styles and things we want to do in the game so we rarely play together. Anyway, in the same office all the time together (except when I went to the office) I think we at times got on each other's nerves. A few days ago I suggested that he move his office in the other room and he did and that is seeming to work better although in my ideal room we would share an office half the time and not share it the other half but that hasn't been practical.

what does he not do that drives you crazy

We are jointly homeschooling our daughter (9th grade) and that is going well. We also both drive our son to and from college (he is younger than typical so doesn't drive yet) and to other activities and share those. he doesn't give me a hard time about staying up until 2:00 even though he is still an early riser and early to bed person. He got used to that when he worked and had to be at work at 6:30 and has stuck with it largely.

did he take over some of the "chores" on his own or did you have to push

We still have a 14 year old and a 16 year old at home so they do a lot of the housecleaning type chores. Beyond that we've always had a very equal division of labor since in the past we both worked full time although my work required more hours than his did. And my work always required me to do work at home so he was used to coming home and having to do tasks when I was still at work or doing work at home.

does he want you to retire soon

Yes, but right now he thinks it makes since for me to not fully retire. We currently own two houses and want to sell our big house. It makes it easier to maintain both houses with me working a little. However, as long as I'm enjoying working he's cool with me working however long I want to and he's cool with me quitting if it become stressful and unfun.

do you have any special plans to do together when you are both retired

Well, once we sell this house we plan to build a new house on land we have so that is a big project (I'm sure I'll want to be working during that though just to get away from the stress of it). We will still have at least one child home for at least the next 3 1/2 years. However, I'm not big on travel so that isn't a huge goal for me. Maybe a little bit but not tons of it.

 

[Katsmeow]

We are both avid players...end-game raiders primarily...and our guild is made up of several married teams. I'd say learn to play so you can appreciate what he's talking about sometimes. It's great fun.....certainly a challenge sometimes....and the headsets with microphones are so attractive!

For DH and I it is good that we both play since it gives us a common interest and we enjoy talking about it and we can help each other at times.

On the other hand it is bad as our play styles are so different. I'm the end game raider. DH is the altoholic who loves to level up. I have plenty of alts too but when I level an alt up I then start gearing them up to at least starting raid level. DH is sort of done with them for all intents and purposes when they get to 85. He gets annoyed with me for telling him everything he is doing wrong and I get annoyed at him for not taking my good advice (a little bit of an exaggeration but not much).

For a few months last year we were living in separate houses 10 minutes apart (we had our house on the market and he stayed in our other house with our pets while we were trying to focus on selling the house). During that time we both had headsets with microphones and we would talk on Skype while each of us was playing. I would be doing heroics (I obviously couldn't talk to him while in raids) or something and he would be questing and we would have a grand time just chatting.

When we both got back into the same house sharing an office we talked less because we each had our headphones on so we couldn't hear anymore what each other was saying...we actually talked less than when we were in different houses.

 

[audreyh1]

oops! I guess decompose was not the word I meant to use but with DH's inactivity of late it probably was not that far off the mark!

 

[braumeister]

The situation is very satisfactory for us. I retired nearly 10 years ago, but DW has no interest in quitting, despite the fact that we're FI.

She enjoys the social aspects of her w*rk so much that she's much happier going there every morning. I'm perfectly happy handling the household chores (I enjoy cooking, for example), and her only complaint is that I don't leave her enough of them to do (to make her feel more useful around the house).

We're unusual, because we married when we were both over 40, and we both had fully developed lives. For example, we often take separate vacations to pursue personal interests.

I'm very lucky.

 

[travelover]

This whole topic seems alien to me. I've got to say, I can't really relate to the mindset where one half of a couple is able to retire, but the other half isn't.

In my case I got a generous buy out with pension and paid health care at age 54. DW will not qualify for a pension and paid health care until she is age 60. I sure as heck wasn't gonna work for 9 more years to make it all even. She enjoys her career still and I do all the heavy lifting at home. I can't imagine that she would be happy holding my retirement hostage. It works for us.

We've always treated our marriage like a partnership. We're a team. There's no "my money" or "your money," it's all "our money."

You might change your opinion if you divorced midlife and wrote a check with enough zeros. When you remarry in midlife and there are step-kids, things get much more complicated.

 

[freebird5825]

Are you suggesting running a gross-out competition against a guy, let alone an ER'd guy with the time on his hands to devote to a world-class effort of winning such a competition?

Sorry, I keep meaning to bow out of this thread, but the slow fat pitches keep hanging right over the plate...

I knew someone wouldn't be able to let THAT one go over the plate.

In all seriousness, a lady still w*rking should not have to do double time when her spouse is home all day, or vice versa. It just doesn't make sense.

Mr B and I (him retired, me FIREd) divide duties. He hates laundry, the bulk of which is mine anyway. So I do the laundry. If I let him empty the dishwasher, I may never find things again, at least not where I am looking for them. That would drive an ultra organized person like me nutz.
I hate taxes and insurance paperw*rk, so he does all that resarch and evaluation and paperwo*rk. I despise grocery shopping, he enjoys checking the sales flyers and finding the bargains. We both enjoy planning meals and cooking together.

My point is 2 people living in the same household can discuss and agree upon who will assume 1 particular duty completely or agree that both can share a duty. It's called compromise.

 

[Silver]

For DH and I it is good that we both play since it gives us a common interest and we enjoy talking about it and we can help each other at times.

On the other hand it is bad as our play styles are so different. I'm the end game raider. DH is the altoholic who loves to level up. I have plenty of alts too but when I level an alt up I then start gearing them up to at least starting raid level. DH is sort of done with them for all intents and purposes when they get to 85. He gets annoyed with me for telling him everything he is doing wrong and I get annoyed at him for not taking my good advice (a little bit of an exaggeration but not much).

For a few months last year we were living in separate houses 10 minutes apart (we had our house on the market and he stayed in our other house with our pets while we were trying to focus on selling the house). During that time we both had headsets with microphones and we would talk on Skype while each of us was playing. I would be doing heroics (I obviously couldn't talk to him while in raids) or something and he would be questing and we would have a grand time just chatting.

When we both got back into the same house sharing an office we talked less because we each had our headphones on so we couldn't hear anymore what each other was saying...we actually talked less than when we were in different houses.

Nice to find a fellow WOW'er here. FTW! My main is a holy priest and DH is pally tank so we raid together a lot. Lots of alt's here as well. It's kind of like a little known sub-culture with millions of people quietly playing.

For the Alliance!

 

[Sarah in SC]

Funny. I cannot help but think that a thread by a man complaining about his lazy housewife spouse would get a slightly less warm reception than this one.

True. But such are our complex gender roles.

One of my DHs fave stories is when I quit a job the month before Christmas years ago. I took a month to find what I wanted, so I spent lots of hours lounging on the porch, reading books and smoking cigarettes while he went off to work. At about 4:30, I'd struggle to my feet, spray some pine cleaner in the house, and start something for dinner.

It totally fooled him that I'd been housecleaning all day and it wasn't until years later when I confessed my pine cleaner trick, that he learned the truth. But now he loves telling the story to highlight my laziness in the housecleaning dept.

And Nords, we've had those gross out competitions. I "win" every time he has to clean the bathrooms.

 

[Nords]

The best advice I have for this thread is that in ER (and any other significant life change, like empty nester) everything should be up for re-negotiation. People change, and they should have a chance to change the deal.

And Nords, we've had those gross out competitions. I "win" every time he has to clean the bathrooms.

Early in our marriage, when I was [-]young & stupid[/-] much more idealistic than I am today, I made an offhand comment about optimal dishwasher packing.

30 years later I'm still in charge of dishwasher loading. But it's optimal...

 

[Moemg]

.


Early in our marriage, when I was [-]young & stupid[/-] much more idealistic than I am today, I made an offhand comment about optimal dishwasher packing.

30 years later I'm still in charge of dishwasher loading. But it's optimal...

What is up with guys and dishwashers ? Gary waits until I am asleep and then he rearranges it .

 

[haha]

What is up with guys and dishwashers ? Gary waits until I am asleep and then he rearranges it .

I wouldn't say this is guys. Maybe "some guys".

This is first I have heard about this particular conflict.

Ha

 

[FIREd]

What is up with guys and dishwashers ? Gary waits until I am asleep and then he rearranges it .

Now, is he as eager to empty the dishwasher in the morning?

 

[FIREd]

Early in our marriage, when I was [-]young & stupid[/-] much more idealistic than I am today, I made an offhand comment about optimal dishwasher packing.

30 years later I'm still in charge of dishwasher loading.

In the words of the wise:

"in ER [...] everything should be up for re-negotiation. People change, and they should have a chance to change the deal".

 

[harley]

What is up with guys and dishwashers ? Gary waits until I am asleep and then he rearranges it .

Dishwashers are built with a single logical arrangement. Putting things in in any different order is suboptimal. If your dishes are different colors they need to be put in proper order by color too.

 

[braumeister]

I am told that it has to be loaded/unloaded in the correct order as well.

 

[ERD50]

Dishwashers are built with a single logical arrangement. Putting things in in any different order is suboptimal. If your dishes are different colors they need to be put in proper order by color too.

Oh yes, there is a science to it. Things must be arranged in such a way to reduce 'shadowing', so that dishes get maximum exposure to the water streams. It's important (well, to us obsessive people).

We recently had a little family discussion. FIL purposely arranges spoons together, forks together, etc. I purposely split them up, with forks between spoons (reduce the 'shadowing' of two nested spoons). Not surprisingly, DW and SIL both said " ?, we just throw them in any old way".

So I try to get it arranged before someone runs it. And yet, if DW nests two bowls and runs it, and I leave the one that now has baked on crud on the counter for her as an example of what poor packing leads to, it's somehow my fault? Such is life.

-ERD50

 

[Katsmeow]

Funny. I cannot help but think that a thread by a man complaining about his lazy housewife spouse would get a slightly less warm reception than this one.

I was 37 when I married DH...my first marriage. His ex-wife had been a housewife. He was clearcut in his view that if a man is out working all day and the wife is at home then she should be in charge of most of the housework and other household tasks. He also felt that if both were working then it should be evenly divided.

We both worked full time so we evenly divided from the beginning. Unlike many marriage I was never in charge of vacuuming and dusting since I'm extremely allergic. He did do the traditional male "outside stuff" and did the vacuuming and dusting. On the other hand, I did all the financial stuff and bill paying.

We had been married several years when DH starting thinking that he was doing more work than me that handling financial stuff and bill paying couldn't possibly be taking me any time.

Instead of arguing, I offered to trade some jobs with him giving him all the financial stuff and bill paying. I turned over Quicken to him (the software I was using then) and told him how to do it.

Two months later, our financial records were a shambles. Nothing was properly characterized in Quicken and we were starting to get notices about bills that hadn't been paid (not major ones that would hurt our credit, but still). He came to me and told me I could have that job back and we would take back his jobs. He's never complained since....

 

[freebird5825]

What is up with guys and dishwashers ? Gary waits until I am asleep and then he rearranges it .

This is an example of one of the multitude of reasons Mr B is relieved of dishwasher duty of any sort. However, I would be the nocturnal re-arranger.

I'm the perfectionist and like to spray off the food. I place the items in the smaller side of the double kitchen sink for later filling of the dishwasher in one session with the accumulated set of pre-rinsed dishes. No wooden handled knives or my good Henckels knives are allowed in the dishwasher.
In contrast, he will put in a single item, one at a time, with thick coatings of food on it. Those door hinges do have a limited service life, ya know. And a knife is a knife is a knife, isn't it?

And don't even get me started about the emptying part of the process...

See what happens when Engineers and Accountants cohabitate?

 

[Bestwifeever]

And yet, if DW nests two bowls and runs it, and I leave the one that now has baked on crud on the counter for her as an example of what poor packing leads to, it's somehow my fault? Such is life.

-ERD50

You know when she murders you, no jury will find her guilty.

 

[REWahoo]

Things must be arranged in such a way to reduce 'shadowing', so that dishes get maximum exposure to the water streams. It's important (well, to us obsessive people).

....if DW nests two bowls and runs it, and I leave the one that now has baked on crud on the counter for her as an example of what poor packing leads to...

Better leave a jar of petroleum jelly next to your example - should reduce discomfort when she uses it to perform a colonsocopy on you.

 

[Nords]

Dishwashers are built with a single logical arrangement. Putting things in in any different order is suboptimal. If your dishes are different colors they need to be put in proper order by color too.

See, I knew someone else on the planet would understand!!

It takes a creative mind to think of wedging cereal bowls sideways on top of the silverware rack, held in by the forks & knives. At least I'm pretty sure that the dishwasher design engineers never got this initiative past the marketing staff...

In the words of the wise:
"in ER [...] everything should be up for re-negotiation. People change, and they should have a chance to change the deal".

In this case the "negotiation" turned out to be that when our daughter left for college, spouse would assume her dishwasher-unloading duties. I'm happy to let her have that task, although I can't help pointing out how much more quickly it unloads (and how infrequently it has to be unloaded) as a result of the optimal packing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful. The dishwasher incident was early in the marriage and I instigated it. These days she mows and weedwhacks the lawn, because I got enough of that from working at a golf course as a teenager. She cooks her half of the food, not that we cook much in the first place. She dusts her own tchotchkes (despite her sneezing attacks) and vacuums. She even washes windows & screens...

 

[freebird5825]

...So I try to get it arranged before someone runs it. And yet, if DW nests two bowls and runs it, and I leave the one that now has baked on crud on the counter for her as an example of what poor packing leads to, it's somehow my fault? Such is life.

-ERD50

Are we related?

You will need me in your jury for sure.

 

[bssc]

I do the dishwasher myself because that way, I get the results that I want and I don't have to supervise anyone. And it is important that the dishes be sorted by color, that way it makes them easier to put away.

 

[gizmo]

funny that this has turned into quite a discussion about dishwasher loading & unloading since that is one of the few chores that DH does willingly (he thinks I don't load it correctly either).

there is also quite a bit about ex-wives & such.....my DH tells me stories all the time about how he used to clean bathrooms, grocery shop, do laundry, cook & basically keep everything picked up around the house in addition to getting daughter fed & off to school each morning (he was a fireman so worked 24 off 48). BUT his ex was not the appreciative type and basically accused him all the time of feeling guilty about something so that is why he kept doing stuff for her! I guess I have her to thank for him not doing much anymore.

this has been a fun & informative thread.....thanks everyone for contributing

I will probably give DH a couple more months to get used to the idea of being retire but if he does not start doing a little more on his own, we will have to TALK!