Would you stay in a marriage if your spouse Cheated?

[Moemg]

While others make a "joke" of marriage, I personally do not. If you can't commit for the long term and really mean it, than just live together, and live your individual lives.

Except for roommates couples who live together for a long term are committed . They just didn't say the vows . Plus think about it if there are no barriers to breaking up such as divorce wouldn't people who live together have to be more committed to stay especially when the rough times hit and they always do ?

 

[haha]

Except for roommates couples who live together for a long term are committed . They just didn't say the vows . Plus think about it if there are no barriers to breaking up such as divorce wouldn't people who live together have to be more committed to stay especially when the rough times hit and they always do ?

Well said I think. Marriage can be like an electric fence around a paddock. The horses know that they could bust out, but they also have learned that it is going to hurt like hell if they do.

I personally believe in the importance of committment. But at this time of my life, I don't really want to involve rule-miking bodies like the state in my personal life.

When I read threads like this, if I try to answer the question posed I find that I usually think, well, it would depend on a lot of factors that have not been listed. So I can see that my attitudes are somehwat at odds with many of the attitudes expressed. Since I know that my attitudes are likely to be less black and white than most others', including representatives of the state like family court judges, my conclusion is to avoid as much of that stuff as I can.

Ha

 

[Bestwifeever]

One comment on the vow thing. People also stand up there and promise to obey....Ha

I can't think of the last person I heard promise to obey in their wedding vows, including my own in 1972.

The people I know, both men and women, who chose to leave an unhappy marriage seem to be happy today.

 

[ggchi]

I am not suggesting that he cheated because the marriage was not good. What I am saying is that if they had a great marriage, why is she so quick to divorce him as a 55 year old woman and risk growing old alone? I personally, don't think it's smart to divorce your husband of many years if you have a good marriage and he had a one time indiscretion.

growing old alone? I can think of nothing worse than growing old with someone so untrustworthy. I suspect she knew of his womanizing, wasn't happy about it but considered the kids, her religion, his nature, and it was meaningless dailiances....but to do what he did and then have that woman live in Maria's home, not to mention as a mother, how badly she must have felt for the child involved as well as her own children. I had a situation somewhat similar but not as extreme happen to me, and you feel like a fool....you trusted him, you trusted her....for all that time you were living a life under a certain assumption and then you find out all this had been going on....I suspect she wasn't that happy in the relationship but was trying to stick it out...when this happened, she may have sank to her knees in prayer thanking God for Arnold doing something so atrocious she could finally justify leaving him... that's what I did when it happened to me.

 

[haha]

I can't think of the last person I heard promise to obey in their wedding vows, including my own in 1972.

OK, cancel that. Weddings give me a tummyache, so I may not be paying very close attention. We still have the death do us part, don't we? Or it is now mostly theater, photo ops, and videography?

 

[ggchi]

yep we had til death do us part and a lot of women stayed in marriages where they were physically, mentally, and emotionally abused. Back in the days of stay at home women that happened a lot and they stayed because they could not do otherwise financially. I agree that many people who could stick it out and work thru things, get out too easily, but overall, I'm glad there are options now. Wedding vows also say, foresake all others, don't they?

 

[Alan]

I can't think of the last person I heard promise to obey in their wedding vows, including my own in 1972.

The people I know, both men and women, who chose to leave an unhappy marriage seem to be happy today.

same for us in 1976.

I noticed that even Kate and William promised to "love, honour and keep" each other.

 

[WhoDaresWins]

My wedding vows in 1977 were in another language (Greek). Neither of us knew what the heck we committed to, just signed the documents after.

In answer to the question posed in this thread, I would have to say "it depends". If I was romantically involved with someone but not married, I would drop him like a hot potato if he were unfaithful or lied to me about something else of great importance. Ditto if I were married a very short period of time and there were no children. With children, it would get more complicated for me, and I would want to make every attempt to work it out provided my husband agreed to counseling and made a good faith effort to change. It would take a long time for me to trust someone after an affair, though, I can tell you that. I believe very strongly in the sanctity of marriage and putting the well-being of the family unit first.

 

[Letj]

Well, I don't think that infidelity is a good thing. But as someone wrote above, when families have to be DNA typed for medical reasons they discover that 10% of the offsring do not belong to the guy who thought he was the father. That's matings that have produced babies, one might imagine that there are more that did not result in a pregnancy. Pretty common for something that people want to be so inflexible about. And clearly this involves female infidelity, so all the powerful man blaming rhetoric does not apply

My bet is that there is more than one person, maybe some right here on the board, who are absolutely sure that they would divorce their spouse tomorrow if he/she had cheated, and that person's spouse has in fact been with another.

One comment on the vow thing. People also stand up there and promise to obey. What woman here would even make a show of obeying her husband? It is laughable. An American man is lucky if his dog wil obey him.

How about the death do us part business? Looks like these vows are mostly pretty words, like most vows.

Ha

You are clearly one of our most thoughtful and analytical posters. I couldn't agree with you more. I too would swear up and down that I would divorce a cheating spouse but does any of us really know whether our spouse has cheated? Maybe it's better not to really know.

 

[Letj]

Not too bothered as long as it is, a) not a long term affair, and b) not the whole cricket team.

If she can remember all the details then the re-telling of the one-off's will help spice up our later years.

PS
now been living together 37 years, married for 35 of them and the sentiment is still the same. A long term deceiptful affair would hurt, one or two lustful flings would not.

How do you define long term affair? What if the man was regularly seeing a prostitute like Spitzer? Actually, I think his wife as a smart woman not to destroy her family by divorcing him, especially considering that no child resulted from Spitzer's daliances.

 

[haha]

How do you define long term affair?

The situation I am about to describe is obviously not the same, because I was not married to the woman, but I went around with, slept with, and got very emotionally close to a wonderful woman who was running almost the exact same affair with another guy. I can't remember, maybe I got her Tuesday and Saturday, and he got her Monday and Friday. It went on like this 4 or 5 years. I moved away, as otherwise I am not sure that either of us would have tired of it.

In many ways that was a primo relationship. I knew she was looking to him to provide things that I either had no interest in, or just was not very good at, and vice versa. For some reason that I cannot quite figure out it just did not arouse any jealousy in me. Not that jealousy was not an emotion I was quite susceptible to, just this time it did not get get to me. I knew the other guy casually.

Some years later she showed up on my doorstep in another city. I was as drawn to her as ever, and I was surprised that she had not married other guy. We didn't sleep together, as I was living with a woman at the time. But it was veyr nice to be with her again.

One thing that hasn't been mentioned is that it is often easier to get another partner to satisfy sexual aspects than to try to talk your spouse into it, which IMO tends to have a low yield.

Ha

 

[Alan]

How do you define long term affair?

This is, of course, a big grey area. If DW confessed that she once met and slept with a guy at a party on a conference she had attended, then that is a lot different than me finding out that she had been regularly sleeping with a collegue at work, lying to me about where she had been going in an evening etc.

 

[okapi]

Not sure. I know people who had affairs or are in one,and it seems like its a big pain in the butt.A lot of work.I"m married 26 years. Wife with MS.Don"t mind taking care of her.Great woman and it keeps me out of trouble.I don"t want to be running around like a nut case like the folks I wrote about above.I read somewhere once that if your gonna cheat do it in a dream or a fantasy,cause its not real. Maybe thats what Lady Ga Ga is for.

 

[Glo]

I've been married more than 40 years and would divorce tomorrow if DH cheated. He knew that going in.

 

[rescueme]

I personally believe in the importance of committment.

If you truly mean what you say, than there should be no problem stating your vows (and stick to them) to your "significant other", your family, and your friends, in a formal manner.

IMHO, that's what makes marriage different than just "playing house", and the reason that you work out your future together - good or bad.

I'm not saying you can't/should not get divorced (my parents were), however marriage (be it in a church, or in front of a JP) sets the stage - or should I say "foundation", that a future together is built upon.

Of course, what do I know; DW/me have only been married for 41+ years ...

 

[FinanceDude]

One thing that hasn't been mentioned is that it is often easier to get another partner to satisfy sexual aspects than to try to talk your spouse into it, which IMO tends to have a low yield.Ha

 

[Webzter]

http://youtu.be/aIgHvW85AH4?t=3m0s

I'm not a witch, I'm your wife!

 

[veremchuka]

I am pretty much surprised at the majority of replies here of questioning the parameters of your spouse F'ing another person! That's what it is folks F'ing another person, think about that and what that entails. You can put lipstick on a pig but it's still a pig.

Does being shot by your spouse also require assessing where the bullet hit you in order for you to decide whether to call the cops and end the marriage in that order?

I'm pretty judgmental, some things are cut and dried but apparently not to many here. I have to say that I am surprised by the replies.

 

[Amethyst]

Ha, Since you seem to be saying that nobody was married, and both men were witting, this doesn't sound like two affairs - it is consensual polyandry. I believe "affairs" are when married people sneak around.

Amethyst

The situation I am about to describe is obviously not the same, because I was not married to the woman, but I went around with, slept with, and got very emotionally close to a wonderful woman who was running almost the exact same affair with another guy. I can't remember, maybe I got her Tuesday and Saturday, and he got her Monday and Friday. It went on like this 4 or 5 years. I moved away, as otherwise I am not sure that either of us would have tired of it.


Ha

 

[Brat]

Humm, it appears to me that Warren Buffett and his first wife made an arragement that worked for the three of them.

I am in the "it depends" camp (I am 70 and husband is a couple years older). If I were in long term care with no prospect of recovery and my husband was not, I would not divorce him because he developed another relationship. Just don't parade her through the facility, please. Be discrete.

 

[haha]

Much of the "divorce the pig now" crowd seems to feel that no candy at all is better than candy shared. Or alternatively that they are so attractive that they can come up with another without a lot of downtime. I think that this is just one more ymmv, or circumstances shape choices situation.

Just as a thought experiment, who is cheating their spouse more, a loving, physically and emotionally generous mate who perhaps goes outside at times, or a denying, sour, unhappy person who would "never cheat". Admittedly, these are extremes, but certainly not unknown.

Ha

 

[Ronnieboy]

I've been married more than 40 years and would divorce tomorrow if DH cheated. He knew that going in.

My DW not only told me that, but she would take a part of me with her

 

[sundance]

I think he is known to the world as a womanizer but they must have loved each other enough to forgive each others flaws ...BUT we all have our limits. There is more to this then we know.

 

[Brat]

What DSK's wife will do after this settles out is hard to know. If he had lovers on the side, given France's cultural tolerance for that, he wouldn't be in this pickle and she would be accepting. Frankly I think she may have been attracted by his position of power. This, I believe, has evaporated and there is no reason for her to tolerate aggressive behavior.

One never knows what evidence will be produced but it appears to me that his attorneys do not claim that sexual contact didn't happen. The next question is consent. The totality of the circumstances of which I am aware make consent doubtful. IMHO jury selection will be lengthy and if he is convicted a jury will render a harsh sentence. I don't think he understands that this is not a wink & a nod culture once a sex crime has been charged. As difficult as it will be for him this is one circumstance where a plea deal would be in his best interest.

Were I her I would get my own attorney.

 

[FIREd]

What DSK's wife will do after this settles out is hard to know. If he had lovers on the side, given France's cultural tolerance for that, he wouldn't be in this pickle and she would be accepting. Frankly I think she may have been attracted by his position of power. This, I believe, has evaporated and there is no reason for her to tolerate aggressive behavior.

Actually, DSK's wife was the power player when the couple got married. She was one of France's most famous, respected and powerful journalists (think Barbara Walters) and she came from a wealthy family. DSK was a virtual nobody back then.