Join Early Retirement Today
Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Would you stay in a marriage if your spouse Cheated?
Old 05-19-2011, 08:27 PM   #1
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 710
Would you stay in a marriage if your spouse Cheated?

The recent thread by theFed made me think of this question, especially in light of the Arnold and Maria scandal. What if your spouse cheated? What if it was a one time indiscretion? Does it matter the circumstance? For the ladies, what if a seductress initiated the physical contact with your spouse? Assume that the marriage is an otherwise great marriage with lots of love and respect. Frankly, I am puzzled why Maria would choose to leave Arnold for something that happened so long ago supposedly by a woman who set out to seduce Arnold. Did she make that decision because she is concerned about what others would think if she stayed? Maybe the marriage was not a good one to begin with. I don't see myself remaining in a marriage with someone that's a cheater but I am not sure if I would want to throw away my marriage of many years for a one time indiscretion particularly one with small children.
__________________

__________________
Letj is offline  
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 05-19-2011, 08:45 PM   #2
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
GregLee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Waimanalo, HI
Posts: 1,881
Quote:
Originally Posted by Letj View Post
... I am not sure if I would want to throw away my marriage of many years for a one time indiscretion particularly one with small children.
Well, er, how small are the children?
__________________

__________________
Greg (retired in 2010 at age 68, state pension)
GregLee is offline  
Old 05-19-2011, 08:46 PM   #3
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 4,898
I'm surprised that you are puzzled as to why she would leave for something that happened so long ago. He kept that secret for ten years while his mistress worked in their home. Then he told her about it after he left office when it wouldn't affect his political career. To me, that action in itself reveals a whole lot about his character, and none of it good.

In addition you write "Maybe the marraige was not a good one to begin with." This is often what people say when one spouse cheats, as if that justifies cheating and betrayal. I really don't understand that attitude at all. If the marriage is not a good one, you try to make it better or you divorce. Ideally, you don't cheat on the person you love(d).

But what do I know? I followed my ideals and I'm divorced.
__________________
Zoocat is offline  
Old 05-19-2011, 08:50 PM   #4
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Moemg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Sarasota,fl.
Posts: 10,038
I would have to look at the circumstances of the cheating and whether I wanted to stay in the relationship . When I was younger I would have said "No way " but being older I would weigh the factors . If it was a one time thing I might forgive but I would not forget . More than once and I would be throwing his clothes on the lawn . As for Arnold if you are going to cheat at least do it with someone hot not your house keeper .
__________________
Moemg is offline  
Old 05-19-2011, 08:55 PM   #5
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 2,426
I think I could forgive a one time mistake, even a mistake that took a period of time and then was over and never repeated. What makes me really mad about the Arnold thing is that he has been lying about it daily for 14 or 15 years. It's not like this happened once and then was over and gone from his life. He's had continued contact, an ongoing relationship of some sort with the woman and has financially supported her, their son and some of her family.

I don't care if the woman was a seductress. Arnold is responsible for his own behavior. Each and every time he had sex with her. And each and every time he sent her a check and each and every time he didn't tell Maria about his extra son.

Just shameful.
__________________
Married, both 62. DH retired June, 2010. I have a pleasant little part time job.
Sue J is online now  
Old 05-19-2011, 09:02 PM   #6
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Fireup2020's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,186
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moemg View Post
I would have to look at the circumstances of the cheating and whether I wanted to stay in the relationship . When I was younger I would have said "No way " but being older I would weigh the factors . If it was a one time thing I might forgive but I would not forget . More than once and I would be throwing his clothes on the lawn . As for Arnold if you are going to cheat at least do it with someone hot not your house keeper .
Divorced upon a time here...but, ditto what Moemg said!

This is not a pass for you guys people to go out and sow oats!!
__________________
Make no mistake, my friend, it takes more than money to make men rich. - A. P. Gouthey
Fireup2020 is offline  
Old 05-19-2011, 09:09 PM   #7
Administrator
W2R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New Orleans
Posts: 38,949
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sue J View Post
I think I could forgive a one time mistake, even a mistake that took a period of time and then was over and never repeated. What makes me really mad about the Arnold thing is that he has been lying about it daily for 14 or 15 years. It's not like this happened once and then was over and gone from his life. He's had continued contact, an ongoing relationship of some sort with the woman and has financially supported her, their son and some of her family.

I don't care if the woman was a seductress. Arnold is responsible for his own behavior. Each and every time he had sex with her. And each and every time he sent her a check and each and every time he didn't tell Maria about his extra son.

Just shameful.
It doesn't sound like they had much of a marriage, does it. Life is sad and perhaps the saddest of all, are those who don't know what they're missing.
__________________
Already we are boldly launched upon the deep; but soon we shall be lost in its unshored, harbourless immensities.

- - H. Melville, 1851
W2R is offline  
Old 05-19-2011, 09:10 PM   #8
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 710
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oldbabe View Post
In addition you write "Maybe the marraige was not a good one to begin with." This is often what people say when one spouse cheats, as if that justifies cheating and betrayal. I really don't understand that attitude at all. If the marriage is not a good one, you try to make it better or you divorce. Ideally, you don't cheat on the person you love(d).

But what do I know? I followed my ideals and I'm divorced.
I am not suggesting that he cheated because the marriage was not good. What I am saying is that if they had a great marriage, why is she so quick to divorce him as a 55 year old woman and risk growing old alone? I personally, don't think it's smart to divorce your husband of many years if you have a good marriage and he had a one time indiscretion.
__________________
Letj is offline  
Old 05-19-2011, 09:12 PM   #9
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 710
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oldbabe View Post
I'm surprised that you are puzzled as to why she would leave for something that happened so long ago. He kept that secret for ten years while his mistress worked in their home. Then he told her about it after he left office when it wouldn't affect his political career. To me, that action in itself reveals a whole lot about his character, and none of it good.
We can't conclude that Maria did not know. I think it's very likely that she knew about it but chose to stand by his side to protect his political career.
__________________
Letj is offline  
Old 05-19-2011, 09:12 PM   #10
Moderator Emeritus
Bestwifeever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 16,375
He'd wish I'd left....
__________________
“Would you like an adventure now, or would you like to have your tea first?” J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
Bestwifeever is offline  
Old 05-19-2011, 09:27 PM   #11
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
calmloki's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Independence
Posts: 5,460
Quote:
Originally Posted by GregLee View Post
Well, er, how small are the children?
You, my friend, are a serious language geek.
__________________
calmloki is offline  
Old 05-19-2011, 09:30 PM   #12
Full time employment: Posting here.
Moscyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 728
Quote:
Originally Posted by Letj View Post
I am not suggesting that he cheated because the marriage was not good. What I am saying is that if they had a great marriage, why is she so quick to divorce him as a 55 year old woman and risk growing old alone? I personally, don't think it's smart to divorce your husband of many years if you have a good marriage and he had a one time indiscretion.
Point worth considering. If it was in my earlier years of marraige, I'll get a divorce asap. Having been married 25 years and if it happens now, I'll consider your point but likely will still divorce. I think these answers would be similar to his too if the situation was reversed.
__________________
Moscyn is offline  
Old 05-19-2011, 09:49 PM   #13
Moderator
Sarah in SC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 13,457
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bestwifeever View Post
He'd wish I'd left....


Exactly. But as for Arnie, I think he was a serial womanizer, this just happened to be the only, er, issue from his infidelity.

I don't care how old we are, I'm not staying with a cheater just so I'm not alone. No children, small or otherwise.
__________________
“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching.”
Gerard Arthur Way

Sarah in SC is offline  
Old 05-19-2011, 09:51 PM   #14
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 213
I would not forgive. A marriage is about respect and trust. Either you are in or you are out.
__________________
52andout is offline  
Old 05-19-2011, 10:05 PM   #15
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
haha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 22,387
Tough crowd. Having someone cheat on you is challenging, but harms you less than having her spend too much money, drink too much, get really fat, use cocaine, have lousy inlaws, get you involved in disputes, etc. Things change if she is unavailable or unloving to you.

One more good reason for a man to avoid marriage. If you aren't married and someone cheats, you and she can decide what you want to you, but you can't be punished by having her or him run off with the bankbook. In this state, you must remember to send her home to momma before she can spend 365 days under your roof.

Ha
__________________
"As a general rule, the more dangerous or inappropriate a conversation, the more interesting it is."-Scott Adams
haha is offline  
Old 05-19-2011, 10:08 PM   #16
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 567
I'll cross that bridge when/if I get there... but this here vasectomy says that, if there are kids involved, they ain't mine. (so kids would be another data point to consider, although I suspect I'd be on to something after she had the first one)
__________________
Webzter is offline  
Old 05-20-2011, 12:37 AM   #17
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 589
Divorce for sure. The problem isn't so much that it puts a financial burden on you, it is just one of the fastest ways to destroy someone's trust, creating a huge emotional burden by having to be around them. Small children may be a reason to wait some time, but that doesn't in any way fix the problem.

I do think marriage itself has way too many negatives until a person is established in life, or has nothing. Those are two extremes that many people do not fall under. I really cannot see myself married, with a proper pre-nup, until my mid 30s. The financial pitfalls to an early and long marriage are staggering. Back to the main point, marriage doesn't create trust, actions are what create and maintain trust.
__________________
plex is offline  
Old 05-20-2011, 02:09 AM   #18
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Duesseldorf, Germany
Posts: 1,005
Quote:
Originally Posted by Letj View Post
Frankly, I am puzzled why Maria would choose to leave Arnold for something that happened so long ago supposedly by a woman who set out to seduce Arnold..... I am not sure if I would want to throw away my marriage of many years for a one time indiscretion particularly one with small children.
I would not regard the delict as something that happened long ago and only once. The results of this event as well as the lies and cover ups from both parties to her probably stretch out till everything was disclosed recently. It would feel like an important part of my marriage has been an ongoing lie.

+1 to SueJ
__________________
chris2008 is offline  
Old 05-20-2011, 07:16 AM   #19
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
donheff's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 8,650
It depends. I can think of numerous situations where I would try to work things out and numerous others where I would walk without discussion. I don't have enough information to conclude how I would act if I were in Maria's shoes.

An interesting side note is that a lot of male cheaters will not tolerate the same in their wives (Arnold?). I guess being a dick head is a generic feature.
__________________
Every man is, or hopes to be, an Idler. -- Samuel Johnson
donheff is online now  
Old 05-20-2011, 08:08 AM   #20
Moderator
Sarah in SC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 13,457
Quote:
Originally Posted by haha View Post
Tough crowd. Having someone cheat on you is challenging, but harms you less than having her spend too much money, drink too much, get really fat, use cocaine, have lousy inlaws, get you involved in disputes, etc. Things change if she is unavailable or unloving to you.

One more good reason for a man to avoid marriage. If you aren't married and someone cheats, you and she can decide what you want to you, but you can't be punished by having her or him run off with the bankbook. In this state, you must remember to send her home to momma before she can spend 365 days under your roof.

Ha
Ah, but I probably wouldn't stick around for any of those other things on your laundry list either. Well, unless we both got fat together! And definitely not sticking around for the lovely euphemism "unavailable or unloving"! I am always bewildered by stories of people who say that before their divorce, they hadn't been intimate in many years.
__________________

__________________
“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching.”
Gerard Arthur Way

Sarah in SC is offline  
Closed Thread


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Have you ever cheated on a partner? thefed Other topics 104 10-14-2009 04:59 PM
Retirement and Marriage Milton Young Dreamers 2 09-29-2007 05:59 PM
Making marriage last Martha Other topics 105 07-22-2006 07:52 AM
Anyone started a marriage while FI free4now FIRE and Money 29 01-26-2006 04:58 PM
Second (or third) marriage and ER John Galt Other topics 9 12-12-2004 02:54 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 07:02 AM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.