Do you tell parents portfolio value?

[Arifriekinel]

What exactly are we looking for from our parents? What if things turned bad and we had lost it all? What would we say to them then? Does reporting net worth in good times make it harder in bad times to discuss declines?

I'd imagine when we're down, we want to know that they still love us, to help us and guide us, and when we're up, we want them to be proud that they've done well in that guidance and proud of us and happy for us. I've got no qualms with the word proud, and love when my mom says 'Oh honey, I am so proud of youuu!" In her super-mom way.

When our son was out of work I could tell he needed to discuss some money matters and ask for us to help him but sensed he was ashamed of the state of affairs. We always told him things would get better, etc. etc. He's feeling a lot better now after finding a good job. If he announced he had saved $1M some years from now, I'm not sure how I'd feel. Maybe relieved but then a little worried that he would not know the details of managing the money into ER. Parents always worry.

That's true. I'm pretty educated when it comes to credit and finance, and my mom knows this, and knows why I wanted a credit card to get cash back, pay every month, and build credit for when mortgage time comes.

But of course when I let her know I finally got approved after trying for the last couple of years to no avail, her first reaction was to panic

 

[Boose]

We haven't shared the Number with my parents - I feel humble about it because Mom is on her encore career in her early 60s after more than a decade of catch-as-catch-can employment, and Dad took SS at 63 after 18 months of UI. My financial acumen and the majority of our accumulation come from my staying (happily) married to a savvy guy with tech skills, and being part of his family, who understand investing. My parents came from working-class backgrounds and divorced when I was 11. I was on the YMOYL path when I met DH but it would have taken me a lot longer to accumulate with my liberal arts B.A. Mostly I knew that I should eat pasta e fagioli instead of steak, and get a government job with a pension.

IDK how much my in-laws know about our Number, but they are impressed by our frugal practices as well as our calculated spending, and still continue to send us a nice check at birthdays and Christmas.

 

[W2R]

I never really talked about money with my parents, until my mother was around 95-97 or so and expressed some worry about my situation to me. She was a very loving person and wanted to know that we three kids would be OK after she was gone. So, I told her that my house would be paid off later that year, how much my nestegg was, and that I would be able to retire in 2009 and support a lifestyle similar to the lifestyle my grandparents had in retirement. At her age, the lifestyle description meant more than the literal size of my nestegg, because of inflation and because of cost of living differences between Honolulu (where she lived) and New Orleans.

She asked if I would have a pension, and I told her I would but did not tell her that it would be so tiny.

She asked me about my investments, and how did I know what to invest in. I told her that I was running my ideas past my very sensible big brother, which was true, and that I might even get a fee-only financial planner to look at my portfolio just before retiring, which I never did.

Then, she said I should marry Frank. Oh well. I know she was just doing the "mother hen" thing but I have no plans to ever marry again.

 

[Andre1969]

I did have a little conversation with my Mom last summer, kind of a "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" type thing. As it turns out, I was a lot better off than she thought I was. And, she and my stepdad were a lot better off than I thought they were, which made me breath a sigh of relief. I always knew they were okay financially, plus they're retired now and have a decent pension. But, I do have this recurring dream, where they run out of money and have to move in with me, and drive me crazy!

I also know how much my uncle has saved up, mainly because I handle his finances for him. But, he's never asked me how much I have saved. He just jokes that if I botch things up and lose his retirement money, he's going to come live with me in his old age!

I also have a pretty good idea of how much Grandmom (Mom and uncle's Mom) has saved up. But, we don't talk finances with her anymore, because then she starts getting worried. She always thinks she's running out of money, even though at the age of 89, she's still accumulating, rather than burning through it!

On my Dad's side of the family though, we don't talk about it. For some reason, it just always seemed awkward. All I know is that my Dad had enough money in his checking account in 2003 to write a $13,000 check for a used Buick. And, he did pay for roughly 1/2 of my college education back in the 1989-93 timeframe. His employment history was really spotty in his younger years, though, so I doubt he's getting much SS. And he wasn't in the federal gov't all that long, so I dunno if he's getting much from that.

Granddad was a railroad worker, retired in 1974 at the age of 60. He gets a nice pension. When I was a little kid, I thought they were rich because their house has three bathrooms, they almost always went out to eat (or at least they did when us Grandkids were over), and always had a fairly new car. However, "eating out" usually meant Bob's Big Boy or the Hot Shoppes. And the cars were usually something like a Dart Swinger or Granada, and they only had one car at a time. So even though they seemed "rich" to my young eyes, they lived relatively modestly.

 

[Lsbcal]

...(snip)...
She asked if I would have a pension, and I told her I would but did not tell her that it would be so tiny.

Then, she said I should marry Frank. Oh well. I know she was just doing the "mother hen" thing but I have no plans to ever marry again.

LOL, that mother hen thing (and father rooster thing) is so hard to resist.

 

[Sue J]

When DH lost his job and chose early retirement my Mom kept asking if he found a job yet, she just didn't get that he wasn't looking and that we'd be fine. My Dad knows that I'm like him and that we will always live below our means. I have not discussed dollar amounts with him, just that we have enough and can continue to save. That's enough info for him. He knows he does not have to worry about me.

The only time we talked specifics was when DH was in grad school and we were saving for a down payment on our first house. My Dad had said that he'd like to match what we had to give us a larger down payment. He didn't give me a dollar amount and he didn't know how much we had. So I told him that we had been looking at houses (just practicing) and planned to get serious when DH graduated and found a job. I wanted him to know where we stood and I needed to know if he had a limit on his match. We had a great conversation where he was surprised by how much we had and he was able to tell me that yes, it was over his limit!

Proud moment for both of us.

 

[W2R]

LOL, that mother hen thing (and father rooster thing) is so hard to resist.

So true! I have to bite my lip to keep from advising my daughter and her husband on personal finance issues. This despite the fact that they are adults who are doing fine, and living a more lavish lifestyle than I have ever had, and can afford to do so.

 

[Sojourner]

I've occasionally had the urge to tell my parents my net worth, but I've never come right out and done it. I think everyone in my immediate family knows I've done very well, but I don't really see any good coming from anyone knowing the detailed numbers. I know my parents are already very proud of my accomplishments, and I highly doubt knowing my exact net worth would increase that pride in any consequential way, so what would be the point?

In my experience, there is a fundamental difference between "Johnny is doing really well for himself and seems financially secure" and "Johnny is worth #.# million dollars." Knowing the actual number can induce a change in attitude towards shared expenses or other financial matters that can sometimes result in resentments. For example, no matter how close the relationship (be it friend or family), someone could feel a tinge of resentment if the known multimillionaire doesn't give an appropriate sized Christmas gift one year or inadvertently pays a bit less for a shared meal on occasion. And who knows, in some very subtle, subconscious way it might even end up affecting things like inheritances. In my opinion, it's best to avoid all of that -- even if you think it's extremely unlikely. In the end, you never really know how it might affect your relationship with someone, even a parent, so why take the chance.

 

[FUEGO]

We haven't shared anything about our finances with my parents or DW's parents or anyone in either family. On my side, my parents are doing well financially and mom is in line for a government pension and they also have a decent portfolio. My mom was excited recently and shared they they "were millionaires". She said they have a million dollars in their investments, but neither me nor my mom really knows if that means $1MM in brokerage account or including all 401ks and 457s, IRAs, etc. Dad manages the investments.

When my mom disclosed that exciting news, I decided not to reveal that DW and I are similarly situated financially and on track to FIRE within a few years (around age 35). I haven't exactly nailed down my disclosure strategy yet. I don't want them to worry that DW and I are unemployed when we are in fact retired. But I guess we can do that by saying "we have a lot saved up and it should last us for many years and we don't financially need to work right now".

The one thing I would be afraid of if I told my parents would be they let the secret out. Even my relatively responsible brother might resent us if we were to ever turn him down for requests to borrow money (he's working on an entrepreneurial project right now). So some things might be best left vague.


DW's family is a bit different financially. I think we will be much more guarded with them about our situation and maybe just say I'm working on a few projects to scratch up some money when we aren't working any longer (which probably won't be a complete lie). I think if they knew we had $10,000 in the bank let alone the true amount we would be the target of lending requests by some family, and possibly a target of robbery/theft by extended family or their associates (with these people operating on the assumption "we can take what they have and insurance will cover most of it so no biggie"). We definitely live a frugal lifestyle and don't appear wealthy by any means (millionaires next door style). So I don't think it will be hard to keep up the mirage (and the fact that we don't associate with the ruffians that would possibly target us). As for DW's immediate family, I couldn't simply explain the 3% rule, tax penalties for early withdrawal, etc as a constraint on what appears to be massive wealth. The majority of her family would probably cash out all funds and buy lottery tickets or something with similar chances of financial success, maybe a get rich quick scheme or two. Or just live lavishly for a few years and then be broke. So for the time being, we would like to keep our money as our money.

When I talk to my parents, I can tell they don't have any inkling we are planning on ER. My mom just suggested I stick it out with the current employer, because in only 28 more years I can get guaranteed health insurance as a retiree and a decent pension to boot. I just responded "I hope I won't be working in 28 more years, let alone at the current employer." I guess I could start easing into the "we may retire early" responses. DW is a little more loose lipped and occasionally mentions we may quit working and travel around the world for a while in the not too distant future. Coming from 30-somethings it sounds like pipe dreams unless you know our true financial status.

 

[timo2]

It is touchy what family will do when they know who has what seems to be large amounts of money. When my father passed away, he left enough assets that it came to one million dollars. It was all hard work by my dad that did that, as his father was an autoworker and her father was a postal worker. So my mom had to tell all her widow friends how she was a millionaire, blah blah blah. But now she's not, as my oldest brother has 'borrowed' significant sums from her. She would have been much better off has she kept it quiet what she had in the bank.

 

[anethum]

When my mom expressed concern after I quit my job, I told her my financial details to set her mind at ease. I've been doing my parents tax returns for several years, so I already knew all of their financial details.

 

[retire2020]

sure...share it! It'll only make your parents PROUD.

 

[SumDay]

In your shoes, yes, I think I'd tell my parents. Not sure I'd make a formal dinner/announcement thing... I'd be more inclined to just drop it in casual conversation when an appropriate subject arose. That's just me though. If you are comfy telling them in a pre-arranged setting then go for it. And good for you - as a parent I'm proud of all my kids' accomplishments and I'm guessing they will be too.

Hopefully your dad isn't a helicopter parent like me, with no boundaries, and he doesn't ask you if you comprehend what fees can do to your balances.

 

[Lagniappe]

This depends completely on family dynamics, and every family is different.

Telling my mother anything about my finances has always resulted in requests from other family members for money.

Years ago, Mom was worried that I was taking a few months off to travel. I told her not to worry, and mentioned that I had received an unexpected tax refund of $7.3K. A few weeks later, my sister called with an urgent request for exactly $7.3K. More recently, after I ER'd last year, she was worried about how long I would take off work. Reassuring her that I could relax for as long as I wanted, requests from various relatives shortly started coming out of the woodwork, with my mom even calling to encourage me to "lend" to a sibling who "couldn't catch a break like you did". She has never asked for anything herself, but seems to think I should be the family bank for everyone else. If I had to do it again, I would keep my details more closely guarded.

 

[FIREd]

Obviously our parents know that we are doing OK, living on our own dime in an expensive city. But I think they would be really shocked if they discovered the true extent of our income and wealth. The in-laws think that our income is in the $120-$150K range (they have been poking around for a while in hope of a definitive answer) and my parents think we make about $70K a year. Both are far off the mark. I am pretty sure that they are equally off the mark regarding our net worth. While the desire to share our number with them is real, we are holding back because we know that our number will be leaked out to the rest of the family in a matter of hours. And I think that it will introduce all kinds of distortions in the family dynamics.

 

[Keim]

I have never spoken of specific amounts with family. Though my brother and I have occasionally spoken about investing strategies. We are vastly different. His family makes a good chunk more than mine, and also lives an obviously upper middle class lifestyle. Older, but nice home in a "desirable" neighborhood. Buys new cars. I appear VERY much lower middle class, with a modest home and older cars. One day he was talking about refinancing his house. "You should consider a re-fi too, Bro." I had just paid off my home that year. I. Couldn't. Resist. Telling. Him.

The look on his face was memorable.

 

[Calico]

This depends completely on family dynamics, and every family is different.

Telling my mother anything about my finances has always resulted in requests from other family members for money......Years ago, Mom was worried that I was taking a few months off to travel. I told her not to worry, and mentioned that I had received an unexpected tax refund of $7.3K. A few weeks later, my sister called with an urgent request for exactly $7.3K....

Wow - what an amazing coincidence that your sister had an urgent need for exactly the amount you had received. I think we share a sister.

My parents are long gone, and I will never share details of my financial situation with my two sisters. They would appear on my doorstep (at the speed of light) with outstretched hands.

The only family member I share (general) financial information with is a younger relative, whose net worth is about ten times mine. I am proud of her hard work, and she is proud of mine. She is constantly getting hit up for money by her in-laws and other relatives, and I keep reminding her that she earned her money by working multiple jobs for years, and she does not have to function as the family bank.

 

[Sassy]

We do not. With my parents, the running joke is "if I'm not asking for money, you can assume I'm doing ok." My parents don't need to know specific amounts, just that our butts are covered.

As for the inlaws....good lord. Years and years ago when Mr. Sassy landed his first job out of college, he told his mom his salary and that spread like wildfire through the rest of the family. Ticked him off and he learned his lesson. Never again. Not to mention I've been to enough of his family gatherings and have learned an awful lot about his cousins' spouses' finances, as in this CIL inherited $1M when her dad passed away, this CIL's spouse paid off his multi-million $$ business loan in X years, etc., etc. In this case it's a game of one upmanship from his mother, 2 aunts, and grandmother. It's so annoying, I don't even want to discuss how much I paid for a tank of gas.

Now, interestingly, Mr. Sassy knows more about my parents' situation than his own due to my folks going over all their estate planning with me years ago. And, take note, only recently did my dad express regret for letting us kids know how much we could expect for inheritance. Turns out my sister's ex-husband went after her "potential" inheritance during the divorce process as he thought he was entitled to a chunk of it, never mind the fact that my parents were and are alive and kicking. A real winner there, he was....

 

[marko]

Funny story: Friend of mine had a brother who was clearly the most favored. Parents were also incredibly clueless.

When my buddy drove up the drive in a band new Rolls Royce, his mom's response was "oh...its the same color as your brother's new Toyota; have you seen his Toyota?! It's so nice...." (mom had no idea that she was looking at a RR)

This guy was the Senior VP of a nationwide sandwich company...mom told everyone "he works in a sub shop". Never occurred to her to wonder how he was living a legitimate $500+K lifestyle on a sub shop worker's pay.

 

[meekie]

I'm very open about my salary and savings to my mom, partly because I don't want her to worry about my finances, and partly so she knows that we should be in a situation to help her if needed. I also know that she wouldn't take advantage of me, I still have to fight to buy her lunch.
I also know her situation pretty well, and am trying to help her develop a budget and a withdrawal strategy. She'll be getting out of the business my dad built within the next year, and she'll be able to get survivors benefits from social security that looks like it'll pay her basic expenses. She's kinda surprised that DH and I are talking about retirement, but she also worries about my brother and SIL that make more than DH and I, and seem to spend a large portion of their money.

 

[rodi]

This is an interesting thread in so many ways.

My parents are both dead - but they knew we were saving hard, and living well below our means, and on track to be able to retire. My dad was a total LBYMs kind of guy. So he was proud that after some missteps in my 20's - I got the memo and got with the saving/LBYM plan.

My sister and her husband have similar income but have a lot of inheritance (his side). They aren't LBYM's - but have the nest egg to cover income shortfalls.

My brother was always on the verge of bankruptcy. When he died 5.5 years ago his estate was worth about $30k when the dust settled. not a lot for a 49 year old.

My husband's family is a whole nother thing.

His mom is the matriarch - but unfortunately is dealing with dementia. She's the QUEEN of LBYM, having grown up in hard times during the depression and raised 6 kids on my FIL's blue collar salary. Since my husband has been granted guardianship of both parents last month, he's trying to establish their finances/net worth. She is ANGRY about this, and obstructing every step of the way. She calls him daily to yell at him. And since her memory is going - sometimes she calls more than once a day - when she remembers/realizes anew that he is taking over her finances. She's particularly angry that he's learning her net worth. Think's it's none of his business.

DH's family lived with us 1/2 the year for the previous 5 years - well before she started showing signs of dementia. She knew we were comfortable, and was proud of that. She knew we had the assets to build the detached casita they lived in, without borrowing money. She didn't know the details of our finances, but knew we were ok and were savers.

 

[heeyy_joe]

I told my Mother and when I did she said "In the stock market, are you crazy?" We didn't talk about it after that. Depression child, orphan. Couldn't get her to open a checking account until she started collecting social security. When I worked in the banking business she thought I had gone over to the dark side.

 

[MDJO]

My parents are dead - would be proud of where we are. MIL is only parent left, and I would never share info with her. She is financially illiterate and fortunately has a good planner that is taking care of her. She might resent the fact that we have three times as much as she does (I know what she has, from helping out with her husband's estate.) Her other child is struggling financially, has made some terrible decisions. My sense is she has no idea of how much we have - she may even think that we are struggling, since we LBOM - few obvious signs of wealth....and I plan to leave it that way.

 

[obgyn65]

I do not discuss my personal financial matters with any colleague, patient or family member. This website is the only place where I feel comfortable enough to discuss my finances with like-minded people.

 

[MDJO]

I have never spoken of specific amounts with family. Though my brother and I have occasionally spoken about investing strategies. We are vastly different. His family makes a good chunk more than mine, and also lives an obviously upper middle class lifestyle. Older, but nice home in a "desirable" neighborhood. Buys new cars. I appear VERY much lower middle class, with a modest home and older cars. One day he was talking about refinancing his house. "You should consider a re-fi too, Bro." I had just paid off my home that year. I. Couldn't. Resist. Telling. Him.

The look on his face was memorable.

Reminds me of that old saying "Do you want to look rich, or be rich?"