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Old 04-18-2008, 06:30 PM   #121
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What do YOU want to do?
That's the right question...and will be the right answer.
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Old 04-18-2008, 06:35 PM   #122
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Yeah, there's nobody who can answer this question for you. What I would do may not be at all right for you.
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Old 04-18-2008, 06:45 PM   #123
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One month = one year? 6 months = 6 years? I'd stay 6 months and then take 6 years to decide if I want to go back to work.
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Old 04-18-2008, 11:58 PM   #124
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One month = one year? 6 months = 6 years? I'd stay 6 months and then take 6 years to decide if I want to go back to work.
HONO is 100% correct on this one.... there is NO decision to be made... heck with the salary difference you can fly back and forth all the time and STILL have lots left over...

IMO the decision is.... here is a 5 course dinner from a 5 start restaurant OORRRRR here is something from the $1 menu.... what do you want to eat??

If you say the $1 menu then how did you ever become a lawyer? Just curious... not trying to be mean....
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Old 04-19-2008, 05:03 PM   #125
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I have been offered a position on the West Coast that is a very good job, but the annual pay is what I would make in less than one month in my current position. Also, I would get very little vacation and would essentially be starting over. The alternative is to stay put, make as much $ as I can in the next several months, and look for a new job later if DH confirms he is happy in new location with new position. Of course, this job no longer will be available. It is a great position with a lot of responsibility that will help me long-term in my career, but the $ is very low. Do I take this job, or wait it out in my current position? Thanks.
When you say "help me long-term in my career" - weren't you looking to possibly retire early (or at least semi-retire) at some point in the not-too-distant future? If so, I doubt that if you would have little vacation time with a new job at a lower level, as you move up the corporate ladder, you would have even LESS time for vacation (might earn the time off, but never have a chance to use it), AND the stress will consistently grow (almost a guarantee with more responsibility higher up the ladder).

Would you rather work 6-12 MONTHS at your current gig, or work 6-12 YEARS at a new job with progressively more stress and fewer benefits? (given an approximate salary cut of 90%+) If you would absolutely LOVE the job and thrive at work, that's one thing...

And, don't sell yourself short - if you do have good talents and abilities, although the current job offer may not stay open for 6 months, someone in your shoes should be able to find another job...if not, work at your current job for 1 year and retire!
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Old 04-19-2008, 05:28 PM   #126
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Seems crazy to walk away from that kind of money, but like others that's coming from someone who doesn't have the option.

I believe I'd spend the next 12 months working in a Guatemalan slaughterhouse for 100k a month.

Okay, maybe that's going a little too far (or not).
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Old 05-07-2008, 09:15 AM   #127
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Hi everyone. Current situation is that my current job may allow me to move to West Coast and work from there, at least for a while. That would give me some breathing room to sort things out, while still earning far more than I could earn in new position. Has anyone telecommuted or worked from home? Does it get lonely? Thanks!
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Old 05-07-2008, 09:20 AM   #128
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Good for you! That will help you get that much closer to FIRE, and be with your spouse. I haven't telecommuted, but I think I could do it fine as long as DW or kids were not home. In my case, the "honey-dews" start whenever DW is home.

Good luck!

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Old 05-07-2008, 10:49 AM   #129
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Hi everyone. Current situation is that my current job may allow me to move to West Coast and work from there, at least for a while. That would give me some breathing room to sort things out, while still earning far more than I could earn in new position. Has anyone telecommuted or worked from home? Does it get lonely? Thanks!
Congrats! I've been telecommuting for over 7 years and love it! It's not for everyone though. I'm basically not the type to get lonely just because I'm alone. I use emails, forums like this, IM, and phone to keep in touch with people. I really like that I don't have the distractions of cubicle land, or even an office where people would still drop by when I'm deep into something and don't want to be bothered. I also like that I can flip on the NCAA tourney or listen to my music or whatever I want as background.

A friend of mine telecommuted and it wasn't for him, because he was more of a social animal. His wife would come home and just want to unwind from her day at the office and he would want to chat about everything. Likewise when the UPS guy would come he would try to start a conversation but those guys are running back to their trucks for the next delivery. I don't think he lasted a year before he came back to the office.

You definitely need the discipline to work while there are plenty of distractions around the house. Besides just goofing off because you have no supervision, I think some people start thinking about their bathroom needing cleaning and not have time to do it after work, and get off on things like that. But I found there were just as many distractions in the office. People would start chatting about last night's game and I'd join in, or about last night's Dancing With the Stars show and I'd want to scream because I hate the show and didn't want to hear all about it.

One difficulty for me is that people would share real work information via informal hall talk that I wouldn't be a part of. When I first started telecommuting I joined a team of two other guys who had adjacent cubicles, and I had a lot to learn. They would discuss things among themselves and I missed a lot, so I asked them to call me and put it on speaker phone and let me join. Now I basically work alone with one of them as backup, so there's not much to miss anymore.

The other big problem is that it's tough to separate home from work. Best advice is to dedicate a home office and when your day is over, leave the room and close the door. But it's tough when all you have to do is carry a laptop to your family room. I haven't really solved this, but I consider this flexibility in hours a strong point for me that makes up for disappearing in the middle of the work day to go for a run or ski an hour or two. So I often work 7 to 10 hours a day spread between 7am and midnight. Works well for me since I live alone, but it's not for everyone. I know people who have designed their home such that the office is a separate wing that makes it easy to get away from, and not hear the phone ringing.
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Old 05-07-2008, 10:58 AM   #130
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Sounds like a good solution for you and your company--you obviously are valuable to them and I'm sure you get a lot of satisfaction from your work.

DD started telecommuting from a home office when she moved across the country. She works nonstop on computer and phone and I am sure is putting in a lot more true work time than an in-office position results in. Try to set regular hours and don't answer the phone or be too available outside them if you can. Have regularly scheduled conference calls.

Remember to be good to yourself--get up and move around as much as possible, like you would in the office to go down the hall to talk to someone, to get a drink of water, to go to the printer/fax whatever. DD works out every single day to counteract the sitting.
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Old 05-07-2008, 03:01 PM   #131
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I telecommute about 20%, and it does get a little lonely. But I maintain frequent phone and email contact so it isnt that bad.
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Old 11-05-2008, 05:44 PM   #132
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Hi everyone. It's been a while. I ended up staying at my current job, at least for the time being. Given the financial crash this year, I am (mostly) glad I did, although cross-country commuting and living alone most of the time are no fun. Thanks again for all of your input and support. The question now is when to leave, as this situation cannot go on indefinitely. DH loves new location, as do I. I'll keep you posted.
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Old 04-10-2010, 01:52 PM   #133
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Hi everyone. It's been quite some time, so I thought I would give an update. I ended up staying in the high $ position, cross-country commuting every 3-4 weeks. Relationship has suffered dramatically and could be on the verge of ending. Financially, I am in great shape, but it has come at an enormous personal cost. Now I have to decide if I am going to move for a relationship that could well be over, or stay and guarantee that the relationship is over. Looking back, I likely made the wrong decision, although maybe the relationship was in for trouble anyway.
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Old 04-10-2010, 02:17 PM   #134
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Hi everyone. It's been quite some time, so I thought I would give an update. I ended up staying in the high $ position, cross-country commuting every 3-4 weeks. Relationship has suffered dramatically and could be on the verge of ending. Financially, I am in great shape, but it has come at an enormous personal cost. Now I have to decide if I am going to move for a relationship that could well be over, or stay and guarantee that the relationship is over. Looking back, I likely made the wrong decision, although maybe the relationship was in for trouble anyway.
The last two years in my job were like that, and I wasn’t certain the relationships would survive or recover. Now, 10 years later, they’re better than they ever were. Not just DW but children as well, and other family. Part of that was (is) me, part them – but job change was the spark.

It wasn’t until I left the job that I became aware of how much it had changed the way I related to my loved ones.
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Old 04-10-2010, 02:41 PM   #135
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Hi everyone. It's been quite some time, so I thought I would give an update. I ended up staying in the high $ position, cross-country commuting every 3-4 weeks. Relationship has suffered dramatically and could be on the verge of ending. Financially, I am in great shape, but it has come at an enormous personal cost. Now I have to decide if I am going to move for a relationship that could well be over, or stay and guarantee that the relationship is over. Looking back, I likely made the wrong decision, although maybe the relationship was in for trouble anyway.
So sorry to hear this. Best wishes now and in the future.
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Old 04-10-2010, 05:44 PM   #136
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Financially, I am in great shape, but it has come at an enormous personal cost. Now I have to decide if I am going to move for a relationship that could well be over, or stay and guarantee that the relationship is over.
Obviously very hard to say for someone else... But overall, sounds like you are all set financially, so staying does not buy you much more in life (unless you value your job more than the relationship). Saving a relationship probably is way more important... Worst case: you move, relationship still does not work out and... so what? is that much better than you staying and guaranteeing no relationship? I would not think so personally.

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Old 04-11-2010, 12:00 AM   #137
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This is someone who knows nothing about your relationship, job etc. etc...

But IMO, you working where you were and getting paid a LOT more money is the correct decision... and if you SO is about to leave.. I think there is something else going on... you would think that if you she was thinking long term... she would know that the sacrifice now pays off big dividends in the future... so to me, she saw no future and did not like the current sacrifice...

I know of people who did like you... for far less compensation... and their relationship was just fine...
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Old 04-11-2010, 12:12 PM   #138
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Dear Hoping,

I am sorry to hear how difficult it has been for you. I can sense the anguish and guilt you are feeling, and I wish you the best in deciding what path to tread next.

I’ll toss out some ideas that I had as I read through this post. Please take them as just ideas and thoughts and opinions, where maybe one of my hare-brained notions will strike you in such a way to provide a glimmer of clarity or familiarity.

There is no right answer to your dilemma. This is one of those instances where no matter how astute and finely-tuned our brains might be, gut-instinct and feelings are the primary decision makers. You’ve done all the thought and there’s not a bad intellectual decision to be made; now the question is what the best emotional decision is for you. This dilemma is a choice, not a solvable problem. This is the paradox of choice: sometimes with greater freedom to choose, we become unhappier. I think this is because the onus of choice is directly upon ourselves, and this tends to evoke our fears (we have to choose to relinquish control; we have to choose to be seen as selfish or unkind when we choose to pursue our dreams; etc.). I think it also arises when our brains are finely tuned to solving intellectual problems and then we try to apply those same tools to emotional choices.

I sense that this decision has enveloped large emotional parts of your life: your relationship, your job, and your personal dreams and aspirations. I sense that the anguish and guilt that you feel from your relationship and your job are making it difficult to assess what it is that you truly want. I might suggest dividing this into three categories: your relationship, your job and finances; and your personal dreams and aspirations. Of these, I believe that understanding your personal dreams and aspirations will guide you to decisions in the other two realms. This is what I would encourage you to think most deeply about.

So – what do you dream of doing? What do you hope to experience during your life? What did you love to do when you were a child? What crazy non-sensible things do you dream about? When you want to escape your job, what do you want to be doing? The odd thing is that you may not know. I know personally that I worked so hard for long that I had lost this sense of direction. But, deep-down, it was always there – it was just covered with responsibility and guilt and fear. Perhaps try dreaming that you are unemployed and single – what would you think about doing with your time? What experiences would you like to have?

You are in an enviable financial position. You can literally do almost anything you want to do for the rest of your life, even if you never made a single cent of income again (which I suspect is unlikely). You could decide that you want to paint every day for the rest of your life, and you could. You could travel. You could volunteer. You could start a new career. You could start a small law office where you do the type of work you are most passionate about. You have worked hard and built up a considerable safety net, and it is more than OK to avail yourself of your financial independence. What would you like to try in the next chapter of your life? You don’t have to know for certain – maybe you just have a sense that you should try out of particular path or follow an intriguing idea.

I found that, for me, Joseph Campbell’s conversation with Bill Moyers in the book ‘The Power of Myth’ was particularly enlightening during the time in my life when I was working through similar issues. I thought it did a very intelligent job of discussing the adventure of life, of finding our own path, of discerning love, of learning about what prevents us from fully becoming ourselves, and to moving beyond our known everyday existence. Maybe it will strike you as well.

I wish you the best and courage for the journey ahead.
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Old 04-11-2010, 03:32 PM   #139
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Thanks to everyone, especially Santiago. You have given me a lot to think about.
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Old 04-11-2010, 06:42 PM   #140
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Having just stumbled onto this thread, my opinion is that you didn't make the wrong decision. I get the feeling from reading the earlier posts that your DH had issues. There is absolutely no guarantee that if you had moved, your relationship would not now be on the rocks anyway. I think that making the kind of money you do means a lot more to you than you think. And it should because obviously you worked hard and are now considered worth top dollar. Certainly your DH could have stayed with you and when you felt you had enough and DH was willing, then you both could have moved to the West Coast. I mean it does sound like you put him through medical school. So he could have returned the favor and supported you in your decision to stay put. I've heard so many stories about women putting hubby through med school only to have marriage end upon graduation. FWIW you made the correct decision. Just my two cents.
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