Like watching a car drive off a cliff...

[DawgMan]

Love the passion of the thread despite the fact I am knee deep in it. As mentioned earlier, this is unfortunately not my first rodeo in one of these family crisis involving financial assistance. It's real easy to say what should be done when you are not in it, but when real relationships are involved, it's never black& white. I am absolutely against enabling and know what I want the mission to be of any $$ I contribute to the kiddy. There is a human side to all of this that involves compassion for our fellow man. Again, right there with everyone on enabling, but I would suggest compassion is part of the equation. Sometimes we provide charity in good faith that someone will see the light and change their ways, sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. I think what most of us take for granted on this site is most of us are wired naturally to be financially responsible, but it's clear there is a whole large population out there that is not and it doesn't make them bad, regardless how frustrated we get with them. I think there is definitely a place for tough love, but then there is also a place for compassionate charity and faith that people may see the light. i am sure we can all think of times we were given a second chance or someone bailed us out and we got our $hit together.

 

[DawgMan]

Possibly I missed the cause of the accident, but any chance of insurance money from that ?
Even if it was his wife that pushed him off the roof, it could possibly qualify.

Freak accident in the ocean that involved instant paralysis and drowning which he was miraculously resesitated. Lucky to be alive. Unfortunatley, started a new job 7 months ago and income will end, no Disability. The financial collapse was on its way at some point, but this accident accelerated it.

 

[Teacher Terry]

You bet there is an emotional side even when you are not related to people. I worked in human services for years and at times I helped people but not with $ but with things I had or obtained that others no longer needed. I have helped many friends navigate resources when needed. One of my 3 sons has a drug problem and I had to put a stop to the enabling and it was very, very hard. But with a person that was not my child I find it much easier to assist with helping them obtain resources, running errands, making some meals, etc but would have no problem not supplying $.

 

[FIREmenow]

Again, right there with everyone on enabling, but I would suggest compassion is part of the equation. Sometimes we provide charity in good faith that someone will see the light and change their ways, sometimes they do and sometimes they don't.

I am so far from this or any similar situation, I shouldn't even be commenting, but I don't think "compassion" is always just giving money and things just for the sake of giving. We sometimes convince ourselves that that is the best way because its the easiest (on us).

Compassion also involves helping to [-]steer[/-] right the ship, which can involve the harder task of cutting off enabling sources. This is, however, still also helping "our fellow man". No one is saying not to contribute financially, BTW.

BTW, I disagree with the "wired" part you wrote --- for this specific situation described, as I understand it. ANYONE can learn to be (somewhat) responsible with their money and their lives - they just have to want to. There's a saying - "People won't change until it becomes too painful not to change."

JMHO

 

[SumDay]

INTJ10 nailed it. Half of America couldn't come up with $400 in an emergency:

Could You Come Up With $400 If Disaster Struck? Half Of Americans Couldn't : NPR

Bogles my mind. Kudos to you & your family for helping out.

 

[SumDay]

INTJ10 nailed it. Half of America couldn't come up with $400 in an emergency:

Could You Come Up With $400 If Disaster Struck? Half Of Americans Couldn't : NPR

Bogles my mind. Kudos to you & your family for helping out.

 

[RobbieB]

It does boggle the mind, I have no concept of living that "close to the edge"

In 1979 I left my parents home in Detroit for my new life in CA. I had an old car worth $2500 and another twenty five hundred in cash. My net worth was yup, 5 grand.

I never had less than twenty five hundred in cash my whole life. Never.

Amazing.

 

[Moemg]

Dawg Man , My heart goes out to your BIL and his family . What a terrible accident . I would probably moan about giving money but I would do it because that is what families do in a crisis . I would just hope that the crisis was not a lengthy one .

 

[Mulligan]

It does boggle the mind, I have no concept of living that "close to the edge"

In 1979 I left my parents home in Detroit for my new life in CA. I had an old car worth $2500 and another twenty five hundred in cash. My net worth was yup, 5 grand.

I never had less than twenty five hundred in cash my whole life. Never.

Amazing.

I only have $500 cash now... If I dont sell some stock this week they will shut my power off at the end of the month, or keep the power and starve to death.
Back to subject.... There are 2 obvious answers. The logical ,if not cold sounding, choice, or the heartfelt pangs of wanting to help family in need. The answer isnt so easy when its the actual person having to make the real life call. Good luck, OP!



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[RobbieB]

That's your fault you "trader" -

Yes, it's all fun and games and OMG time now, the real fun and the "real" emotion will come when the checks are written. And yes the "writers" get to chime in with whatever "helpful insights" they have as they are the writers eh?

The golden rule: He who has the gold makes the rules

 

[Ready]

Sometimes there can be disagreement among family members on what to do. When one family member wants to offer tough love and another wants to throw money at the problem, some inner family turmoil can spool up very quickly. I hope that is not the case for the OP. Unfortunately, I have some experience with this issue, and it can be very unpleasant.


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[aja8888]

It does boggle the mind, I have no concept of living that "close to the edge"

In 1979 I left my parents home in Detroit for my new life in CA. I had an old car worth $2500 and another twenty five hundred in cash. My net worth was yup, 5 grand.

I never had less than twenty five hundred in cash my whole life. Never.

Amazing.

Actually, you stated out with a whole lot more than many of us here (and elsewhere).

 

[RobbieB]

I always had money, always.

Pop's told me when I was very young that "you can make a million a year but if you spend a million a year you ain't never gonna have nothing"

I listened to my Pops -

 

[REWahoo]

The Four Yorkshiremen will be along shortly...

 

[EastWest Gal]

You are clearly proud of that.

Not all of us had that option. I started my marriage $40K in debt from medical school. I lived frugally enough to save enough to pay for our wedding, something my parents wouldn't do. DH's musician work dried up a month before our wedding. Worked 80-100 hr per week, making less than minimum wage saving lives, and started work in June; no paycheck until August 1st. DH worked two jobs after the work dried up. We did not have enough money to pay our rent. The car my parents loaned me nearly caught on fire a week after our wedding. We borrowed $1000 from a friend. Our parents would not have offered anything and our asking for help. Paid him off in 6 months. You were fortunate to start your adult life with no debt.

Do not hold it against those people who started out differently.


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[RobbieB]

Hehe, yeah baby! I paid for my wedding too. We got married at the "Chapel of the Fountain" conveniently located right in Circus-Circus, Las Vegas, NV.

One hundred and seventy six dollars complete with chapel and bouquet and boutineer and pictures. I had to pay 5 bucks extra for the audio cassette and tip the minister $20.

But, no debt -

 

[aja8888]

And now, back on topic......

 

[laurence]

The Four Yorkshiremen will be along shortly...

A pothole to sleep in? Luxury! You were lucky!

I've stopped trying with anyone my age, I still tell kids/young adults, and accept that most won't remember/listen.

 

[Amethyst]

Honestly? Nobody cares how you or I had it. They only care how they have it.

A pothole to sleep in? Luxury! You were lucky!

I've stopped trying with anyone my age, I still tell kids/young adults, and accept that most won't remember/listen.

 

[travelover]

..........
I never had less than twenty five hundred in cash my whole life. Never ...........

I impressed. I was born both naked and broke.

 

[GravitySucks]

O.P. Condolences to your BIL. Medical emergencies can throw a wrench in even the best laid plans.

Mulligan- maybe you should try starting one of those GoFundMe type pages....

I only have $500 cash now... If I dont sell some stock this week they will shut my power off at the end of the month, or keep the power and starve to death.
Back to subject.... There are 2 obvious answers. The logical ,if not cold sounding, choice, or the heartfelt pangs of wanting to help family in need. The answer isnt so easy when its the actual person having to make the real life call. Good luck, OP!



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[O2Bfree]

A few thoughts rumbling around the rock I call a head.
Some times falling off a cliff is a good thing. I don't know folks like this but my brother is a recovery drug addict (10years clean) and fully admits that he finally decided to get his act together when he fell of his cliff and hit rock bottom. when my dad tossed him out and no other family would bail him out, he found himself sleeping in a garbage bin, that's when his Epiphany.

My brother is going off this same cliff. Not many years ago he was running a great business and had good people in his life. But apparently he spent all his income and kept going full speed with the drinking and drugs. Then he had a serious health crisis, a brain aneurysm. Everyone around him rallied to keep the business going and help him recover. Facing a tricky recovery, he stopped the drugs and drinking for awhile, and was doing really well. But he didn't get back near 100% before picking them up again. Some time after that, he walked away from the business, got on disability, and proceeded to let his addictions erode away the other good parts of his life.

We hadn't seen him for a couple years, but he showed up recently at our house, and it turns out he's homeless now. But instead of seeing where the problem lies, he's blathering on about how it's all mom and dad's fault, and going around to everyone he knows in town looking for sympathy and a place to stay. I hope he really hits bottom this time, but at 58 it may be too late.

 

[HFWR]

I impressed. I was born both naked and broke.

Still am...

 

[poorcarver]

I am with skipro33. BTW what is the 33 for?

I am so sick of hearing "that is what families do". Of course, parents raise children, but just because someone is related to me does not imply a higher duty to them as adults than any other adult who may be in bad shape.

I admit I am sensitive to this issue, my own Brother is a way to the right of Genghis Khan deep thinker who has spent his life hating more or less everyone as his job opportunities kept getting more and more restricted due to his behavior(not political, could have been just as wild on the Left). Now he is nearly 62, marginal employment and just about terminally angry with all the health consequences. I got an impassioned plea for assistance. I recall being in engineering school on a ROTC scholarship and having him laugh at me and call me a sucker. He burnt his bridge.

My BIL (one of three) is simply incompetent regarding finances. Just retired from a University faculty position with a superior pension, plus SS. Nonetheless he is just about completely over the cliff due to having two homes that it now turns out are mortgaged to the hilt, property taxes are a year behind and all the usual other impending disasters. His 30 year long girlfriend relationship ended in her death, she ran the finances and controlled him like a dog on a leash. He has been off leash for three years and spent money like a drunken sailor. So family meeting ensues and "we have to help or he will lose his home". Wife and I look at others and simply get up and walk out. Where is it written that he got to live large, ignore reality and I am to sacrifice for him? Strong language and shaming ensued. Ah yes.

BTW just one point regarding private college education. Depending on the student in question, many private institutions will offer significant scholarships that actually make that private school cheaper than the instate public university.

 

[LARS]

The truly amazing thing about this thread is how many of us (nearly all) have had to confront similar family issues. We're currently dealing with an 18 year old, orphaned nephew because his older brother OD'ed, mother drank herself to death after first son's death and the father (the source of all woe to this family) mercifully just died. At least now with father gone, we're hoping we can pick up the broken pieces of this kid's life. Time will tell.

Life is hard. Period. And none of us get through unscathed. Still, some much worse than others...


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