I was so excited to read REWahoo’s suggestion of using “delayed gratification clamps” to save money (i.e. live below my means--and therefore retire early) that I immediately checked out Amazon.com. The clamps were there and were deeply discounted, but I would have had to wait two days for them to be delivered (I use Amazon Prime). But, I mean, who can actually wait two days? Really? So, once again, jumping on the internet, I discovered the closest pair of clamps were at Neiman Marcus. I rushed right over (darn, just where is that delayed gratification when you need it)?
Anyhow, she (the sales lady) only had one pair of clamps left, but a great pair (OK, enough about the sales lady). These high-end clamps were trimmed in the finest grade Italian leather in which semi-precious stones were embedded. Obviously, these clamps were expensive, but some of the semi-precious stones brought out the blue in my eyes. I bought the clamps. Both style and function—can’t beat that.
OK, you guys are probably saying, “Wow, so far, so good.” But the problem is, these clamps didn’t come with instructions—except on how to clean the leather. And, REWahoo didn’t really explain how to use these things. Eventually, after a lot of trial and error I figured out what to clamp the clamps to—but, they kept slipping off (wow, was that an eerie/panicky deja vue moment that I’d like to forget). Anyhow, eventually my neighbor came up with the idea of using duct tape to keep the clamps from slipping off. But, now with the clamps on, well, it causes me walk with a peculiar gait. When people ask me about the brand-new hitch in my step, I simply explain that I’m wearing delayed gratification clamps so that I can retire early. I tell them that I got the idea from a guy named REWahoo who suggested it on the internet. They ask no more questions and tend to look away so I can’t really tell what they are thinking. I know that a number of the FIRE group members who have used these clamps or had some other plan of action, such as asset allocation and diversification, have experienced the same sort of reaction from co-workers and friends. Many of you have concluded that these people were simply jealous, but I’m not so sure it’s jealousy that they were experiencing.
Anyway, it’s too soon to know if REWahoo’s suggestion is going to allow me to retire early. I do know it’s really uncomfortable wearing these clamps to bed every night.
I wonder if unclemicks “pssst Wellesley” might have been a better idea.
