A New Social Life after RE?

[donheff]

Our life hasn't changed much. Our social circle was outside of work and has remained fairly stable after 10 years. DW is the relationship maintainer so I worry that left on my own I could become a recluse. However, I am a member of and volunteer for a community based nonprofit "Village" that helps seniors age in place. It offer lots of activities that I can see myself participating in in a decade or so. The active members tend to be in their 70s and 80s - I am 66.

 

[Balance]

Definitely some interesting ideas and perspectives. I did speak to an older retiree one day who told me that it took him 3 years to finally settle into a routine, but in the initial year he was totally out of sorts. He liked being retired he just did not have a handle on the transition. In my case, I have school age kids and spending uninterrupted time with them after school and on weekends is priceless. I and DW just need to make sure we put some effort into building a good social network so when they leave the nest we are not sitting in the trees all alone. Ha!

 

[LarryG]

I am a 58 year old guy who ERed 19 months ago, and this was/is definitely a concern for me going into retirement as I am an introvert like many here. I did not have any local work friends (I was part of a large national consulting org) so no social network possibilities there. However this has been less of an issue than I thought it would be - here is what is working for me.....

First, I continue to maintain a life long sports hobby - specifically I play on an ice hockey team. This gets me out of the house once or twice a week, and being on a sports team allows for lots of locker room joking around, if you know what I mean. Having said that, I know I won't be playing too much longer due to the risk of injury in this sport, and my teammates are probably not people that I will "hang around with" as long term friends after my playing days are over.

Second, I also would like to put a plug in for meetup.com. Soon after ERing, I joined a hiking group locally, and I liked it so much that I started my own group that hikes during the weekday at mid-day, once or twice a week. This has been the most fun thing I've done since ERing! I get a very interesting set of people joining these mid-day hikes: retirees for sure, also people who do shift work (nurses, retail, etc.), SAHMs, SAHDs, etc etc. I have made several new friends through this activity and I almost get more social interaction than I can handle at times! (My last hike on Friday had 23 people attend - at 11AM on a Friday!). Beyond my hiking group, there are so many things I could do through other meetup groups locally that if I wanted to, I could go to something every day. Strongly recommend looking at what's available via meetup in your city.

Third, consider joining or re-joining support groups which might be appropriate for you, or for which you might be eligible, and maybe you didn't have as much time for prior to ER. We all have something in our lives (now or in the past) that is causing us concern or pain or suffering (be it mental or physical or both). It may be something related to us personally, or it may be due to a family member's illness/addiction, etc. In my case I am a member of Alanon Family Groups, which is the sister program of AA that helps people better cope with a family member's alcoholism. The reason I mention this in this thread is that in addition to the invaluable help such support programs can give us for the issue at hand, they are also a tremendous source of social interaction and friendships. And these tend to be very open, fulfilling friendships as you are able to really let your hair down with people dealing with the same issue(s). So my point is, if you have considered joining such groups/orgs in the past, but never had the time, ER provides the opportunity to do so. Just a suggestion if there are perhaps such groups that may be relevant to you.

Larry

 

[nash031]

One thing I look forward to in ER (down the road) is the ability to make those Tuesday morning group rides, or Thursday morning tennis sessions that I can't currently make. While the makeup may be some older folks, at least they will be of similar interests!

 

[Which Roger]

Several times since I ERd a year ago, I've found out about some local event, stopped by, and asked "do you need some help?". A couple of times (like at a 5K race over the weekend), I've "only" gotten the satisfaction of helping out with a worthy cause. But at other times, I've met some new people resulting in budding friendships and more active involvement with the organization.

 

[nuke_diver]

Not yet retired but planning on soon and this is an interesting discussion as a result. My wife hasn't worked for about 10 years and her social activity during the day currently revolves mainly around walking the dog and the other dog people she meets . So sometimes when I get home she wants to talk...but I've been at work all day and I just want to veg. Will this change...I wonder.

Neither of us are particularly social, though I am probably slightly more than her. I like being out riding my bike alone and go for 2-4 hrs rides that way currently. And often walk the dog alone too. We have few true friends and even with them see then infrequently since everyone has their own life. I think if you are more social this is a bigger deal than if you are less so. There will be opportunities for social interaction if I chose them since it isn't like we live 10 miles from the nearest house (more like 10') so I guess it will be part of the adventure

 

[SJ1_]

So, .. 50 something retirees have found and have done to build social connections.

Had the exact same problem and question when I retired 2.5 yrs. ago.
What I decided to do is look at what I loved doing the most and getting involved.
Since I love the outdoors and anything to do with exercise I decided to start going to group bicycling rides. Met a lot of great people that I have a lot in common with.

 

[David1961]

This is a little bit of a tangent, but I have been retired for about 2 years. At first, having lunch with my former co-workers was something I looked forward to, but now, not as much. Not trying to be rude, but they seem like zombies They talk about the problems with their jobs, their health, and/or their marriages and rarely smile. After lunch with them, I have many mixed feelings, but it is mostly a downer as I still care about these people.

 

[EastWest Gal]

This is a little bit of a tangent, but I have been retired for about 2 years. At first, having lunch with my former co-workers was something I looked forward to, but now, not as much. Not trying to be rude, but they seem like zombies They talk about the problems with their jobs, their health, and/or their marriages and rarely smile. After lunch with them, I have many mixed feelings, but it is mostly a downer as I still care about these people.

So what do you do for a social life now?

I 'm just starting this ER process, so I'm interested in what works more than what doesn't work.


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[Sea Kayaker]

Well, as a result of this thread I am going to try and say hello and engage a few people in conversations during my daily rounds about town.

Not a lot of people my age around during the middle of the day but I tend to prefer the company of older folks anyway.

 

[FIREd]

Before moving to the west coast, we had a good, local social circle - true friends, family, and I belonged to a great hobby club that met regularly. Not so much anymore. We have no real friends here, no close family either. I joined a meetup group initially, but the relationships that developed were too superficial. I live in a big city, so I get a lot of interaction with random people every time I leave the house. I try to make the most of that to get my social fill (as an introvert, it does not take much). Otherwise, I pretty much keep to myself. Some people might imagine that I am lonely, but that's not the case. I have very loyal friends and a loving family, they just don't live here. We keep in touch regularly by phone and email and visit each other when possible. And those moments are that much more fulfilling.

 

[Corporateburnout]

I might take some classes at the community college this winter (not to make new friends necessarily but to keep my mind active).

I've been retired since June and I am taking two courses at an OLLI program (Osher lifelong Learning institute) at a local university that unlike a community college program the courses are tailored for the mostly retired 50+ age group. The first couple of classes have been engaging and mind stimulating and some members meet after class for lunch or dinner to discuss common interests. Not sure if there is a program near you.

 

[iac1003]

I have a few thoughts about this. As a reserved person I do think about this a lot. I am going to FIRE in 6 months though I am not as young as the OP. DH retired late and we moved to a city where I knew not a soul but DH knew a few people, who we see 1-2 times a year. Since he retired first I told him our social life was up to him now!

He became involved in the local neighborhood association, for better or worse, and we now know lots of neighbors and occasionally go to dinner with some of them. We decided the first year to do a New Years Day open house and invite absolutely everyone we had met in the 6-7 months we lived here. Not everyone came of course. The first year there were 30-40 people who stopped by. Last year there were over 80. The invitee list is well over 100. It could have been larger but I have my limits.

I joined 2-3 Meetup groups but w*rking gets in the way - I will rejoin when I retire, especially the social lunch group of politically minded women. There's no one at w*rk with whom I have a social relationship and none will continue after retirement.

Plus there's hobbies. I took up abstract painting and have a particular teacher I like. All the people in the classes are nice and a few have become friends. At least we share something in common.

DH joined a retiree lifelong learning organization under the auspices of the local megauniversity here in Austin. He's now the chair for this year. There are 500 members and a bunch of new ones are in their 50's. Then there's those in their 90's. Many people there have made friends, found tennis, travel, golf, concert-going or dinner partners or just enjoy a lively discussion.

To meet people one either has to go out and socialize (not my thing) or find an activity where one will find those with common interests (been finding friends that way my whole life).


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[iac1003]

I've been retired since June and I am taking two courses at an OLLI program (Osher lifelong Learning institute) at a local university that unlike a community college program the courses are tailored for the mostly retired 50+ age group. The first couple of classes have been engaging and mind stimulating and some members meet after class for lunch or dinner to discuss common interests. Not sure if there is a program near you.

Funny that we should post about an OLLI group at the same time.


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[Corporateburnout]

Funny that we should post about an OLLI group at the same time.


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The OLLI group where I attend classes has over 1100 members and growing.

 

[David1961]

So what do you do for a social life now?

I 'm just starting this ER process, so I'm interested in what works more than what doesn't work.

I'm getting with my former co-workers less and less. Spending more time with my sister and some old friends. Making new friends from church and Meetup. It's a process.

 

[Cobra9777]

I'm one year into ER. Good thread. I'm definitely struggling with this a bit. I have 4-5 very close friends from work that I try to meet with as regularly as possible. But we are inevitably drifting in different directions. I was such a workaholic that I never had any close friends outside of work. I do enjoy doing things by myself, especially riding my bike, woodworking, and playing guitar. But I know I need more social interaction. My kids and in-laws live close by, so there's always activities on weekends. But DW is still working and the weekdays are starting to get rather dull and repetitive. I have plenty of opportunities along the lines of suggestions in this thread. It's really just a matter of taking the initiative. And I haven't done that yet.

 

[Balance]

There seems to be an underlying theme to many of the comments. That being the lack of opportunities for social interaction during the traditional work hours. Now, that would make sense when you consider the modern lifestyle of working M-F or as David Cain puts it in Raptitude, "Your Lifestyle is already designed for you". I wonder if that will change for retirees once the more than half of the baby boomers pass 65 which based on my knowledge of that the demographic would be in about 5 years or so. There is a book aptly named, "When the Boomers Bail" by Mark Lautman. While I have yet to read it, I understand one of his premises is that when the bulk of the Boomers step out of the workforce, the labor market will get tight for a long time. There is more to the book, but if you believe he is right and you look at the unemployment rate going down but the labor participation rate is going down, also. Is it possible the Boomers are beginning to bail. If so, the Boomers will become a force to be reckoned with as retirees and there may be whole lot of social opportunities in a few years.

 

[martyp]

I've been retired since June and I am taking two courses at an OLLI program (Osher lifelong Learning institute) at a local university that unlike a community college program the courses are tailored for the mostly retired 50+ age group. The first couple of classes have been engaging and mind stimulating and some members meet after class for lunch or dinner to discuss common interests. Not sure if there is a program near you.

I started going to OLLI classes as soon as I RE'd 3 yrs ago. I've also organized 4 science classes for our OLLI and that has given me the opportunity to interact with all the campus professors and students that I recruit as speakers. I serve on our OLLI curriculum committee and participate in the OLLI summer lunch meet ups. So that fills in most of my social needs.

I also have monthly dinners with a couple of college buddies. I also lunch with my former co-workers every couple of months. We've gotten to the point where they don't even talk about work that much.

I found a book club that I attend 4-5x per year. I found this club through meetups.com

For the past 15 yrs I've been salsa dancing 2-3x per week so that is another obvious social opportunity for me too.

During the day though, I mostly do things on my own. Today I rode my motorcycle into the city to try out a new lunch spot.

 

[Sometime Soon]

I am the quiet sort but over three years of retirement have built up a group of friends and activities. I started with several adult ed courses at the local community college, added a pool exercise class which also provides a lot of social contact, and have a monthly book discussion group as well. I have maybe four good friends who I can talk with for hours, but I find very little happens unless I do something to make it happen.

 

[BellBarbara]

I went ahead and rejoined meetup.org. I am going to sign up for one thing in the next month, take it easy. I can't see my hub wanting to go, but that is OK. I noticed there are a couple "easy" hiking clubs. There are also some dining out groups of different types. I would love a retired group but don't see one.

 

[seraphim]

DW and I are basically introverts. We travel in our RV, and meet people around the country, but enjoy our time together. She retired a year before I, and spent time at the local community center with exercise classes, and spent a great deal of time reading. When not traveling, we work on the house, since we'll probably sell it before long, and she is getting into photography a bit. She's an excellent assistant lol.

Most of my friendships are via the net. Topic specific forums allow me to have conversations with like minded people, and there's no need to be concerned when someone is working or not. A conversation may take days with hours between responses. Gives us each time to think before speaking lol. It also provides for an eclectic base of friends with different POVs to provide. Much to learn, and forces me to rethink my own POV, often. Even met a few well known people this way. One friend is a former UN worker, and the current situation in Syria and Ukraine have provided some lively conversation *grin*.

Fortunately, many people from other countries speak English, as I have no aptitude for foreign languages... Google translations are getting pretty good, as well.

So forums can be an excellent beginning for new friendships. Being retired, you also have the time to visit those you learn to trust. Age becomes irrelevant.


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[seraphim]

I went ahead and rejoined meetup.org. I am going to sign up for one thing in the next month, take it easy. I can't see my hub wanting to go, but that is OK. I noticed there are a couple "easy" hiking clubs. There are also some dining out groups of different types. I would love a retired group but don't see one.

Can't you start one? Make it a meetup group for active retirees...

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[rodi]

I am new to retirement... and like the OP - have school age kids at home.

I'm friends with some of the other parents of their friends... I was before - but now I have more time to be social with them. Some have home businesses or a SAHparent... so there are people I can call and they'll go for a walk with me, or for coffee. So I've kind of increased the depth of those friendships since we have more time.

I'm also taking a class at the local community college. The class is full of late teens and early 20's types... but surprisingly, I've made friends with a few other students... and the teacher as well. (She's about my age and has kids just a little older than mine.) It's surprising that I have anything in common with these kids - but they are delightful people (the ones I made friends with - not every student.) This was an unexpected social bonus.

I'm not a super social/outgoing person... but I hang onto my friends. My closest friends are people I've known since high school and college - some live in other states... but we still talk/email/text and that gives me a social outlet.

And I go walking with friends from w*rk. We did it at lunch when I worked there - and I meet them about 2x month to continue the trend.

 

[CoolChange]

Introversion and Health

I gave the hell up years ago. Fortunately I am one of those people who does not need associations with other people in order to draw any fulfillment or self-identity.

When I was working and well connected I found that most of what passes for "Social life" was people carping about their spouse, kids, or debt. I never fit into that demographic either.

This is very close to my own feelings on the matter. However, I am concerned about the long term health impacts (both mental and physical) of social isolation.

I was not able to find links to a good study with a quick Google search; but, I am guessing most of us have read synopses of various research pointing to such risks in the general population. There have also been a few small studies showing that lack of strong social ties can be almost as detrimental to introverts as to the population at large. (Again, apologies for not including links.)

So, I put maintaining social connections in the same category as monitoring my weight/diet and regular exercise, things I do primarily to maintain my health and long term well being.