Coping with excessive solitude

[haha]

This probably varies from place to place. I belong to about 25 meetup groups...some are very active and some are quite inactive. I have found tons more men than women in all of the hiking/adventure meetup groups to which I belong...and especially when those groups are going on hikes (easily 70-80% males on a hike). Other meetup groups are more social, and although they are open to men, I see a handful of guys show up at happy hours, house parties, live theater events, and urban walks....but a whole bunch of guys showed up at a potluck /bonfire. My Spanish language meetup is about 50/50. So, it all depends.

omni

No doubt this is true. At my last 55+ coffee club meetup before I took a trip one of the women told me "these groups tend to be mostly women." However, I am sure that a rugby meetup would be all or very strongly biased toward men. My Spanish group is also about half and half, mainly Hispanic native speaking men and Anglophone women. It meets in a bar, so it is pretty hard to actually hear any language.

Ha

 

[jIMOh]

As a fellow introvert, not in a relationship and with no family close by, I struggle with the same issue. I've come to regard social contact as a basic need I must fill like food or exercise, so I try to build some into every day.

Although my preferred means of interaction is with close friends and family members, I've come to realize that I can get those needs partially met in other ways. I've found the diagram below helpful:

From what I've read, introverts tend to prefer limiting their interactions to the inner circles. However, without an SO, it can be hard getting enough social interaction from just friends, so I've learned to derive nourishment from the outer circles as well. You don't have to be close friends with someone for the interaction to be of value. People enter our lives in different ways and it's possible for a brief encounter to be life-changing.

I do this in my own way though. Loud parties and bars are not my style. I've also found interactions with acquaintances and strangers to be much more satisfying if the circumstances apply a kind of filter to ensure we have some values or interests in common.

For example, I find the interactions with acquaintances at my book discussion group interesting and thought-provoking. The community at my Unitarian church are also caring, thoughtful people I enjoy being around.

Attending classes is also good since it gets me out of the house and allows for some social interaction without being too draining. For example, when I attend a yoga class, I generally have a brief pleasant exchange with the receptionist, perhaps exchange a smile and a word with the other women in the locker room, and then enjoy the cameraderie of doing yoga in a room of likeminded practitioners.

Other examples of this type of activity might be volunteering with animals or attending foreign and indie film Meetups.

Where do coworkers fit in on that graphic

 

[Texas Proud]

Posting, in itself, is reaching out to others so no one here can truly claim to be an introvert.

I find it exhausting to socialize with others (even via the internet), but it does not mean that I avoid it at all cost. Socialization has its rewards too. But I think that it still puts me on the introverted side of the spectrum. If, on the other hand, one gets energized by social interactions, then one is more likely to be extroverted IMO.

At the end of the day, those are just labels anyway. We each have to find the level of socialization that best fits our DNA so to speak. Going back to the OP, I see solitude as voluntary and therefore desirable so perhaps what you are hinting at is loneliness?

Posting is not quite the same as going out and actually MEETING people....


And if I get tired after 5 minutes of reading here I can go to another page or even go downstairs and watch TV.... when you meet with people they expect that to go on for a certain amount of time... say 1 to 4 hours....

Nope, posting here is nothing like socializing....

 

[Meadbh]

Introvert's guide to socializing, from Comics, Quizzes, and Stories - The Oatmeal

 

[Sojourner]

I'm in the same situation as OP, mid-40's, no spouse or kids, live alone, and like OP I soon felt isolated after ER. For me it was mostly about feeling connected, not to just other people but to my community, society in general, and even my old profession (software engineering in a particular niche) where I still have an academic and research interest.

What I did find was I don't like going out during the weekdays, because around here anyway it's almost all the conventionally-retired 70-90 age group and if anything the age differences made me feel even more disconnected. Instead, I spend most weekdays "w*rking" in the sense I sit in my home office with one of the business or news channels on the TV in the background (helps me feel part of what's going on "right now," almost like an office environment but without any of the stress or B.S.) while I do research (researching whatever the heck interests me), participate in my old industry chat boards and forums (keeps me feeling connected to a big interest in my life) and working on open-source software projects (keeps my skills sharp, plus I like programming). To me, it's all the good parts of w*rk with none of the bad.

Other than that I've done many of the other things people have suggested here. I'm happy with ER now after six years and don't feel isolated like I did initially.

Sounds like we have a tremendous amount in common, Kabekew. I'm also from the software/programming world and still enjoy doing that on a semi-regular basis, although not quite to the degree that you described. It's great that you found your comfort zone and don't feel isolated anymore. I'm definitely struggling with it, as is pretty obvious from my comments in this thread. I think what I'm really searching for is a good mixture of social interaction and "projects" that can fill my days and give me a sense of purpose and meaning and connection with the world. I don't think just filling my days with projects will do much to quench my thirst for more extensive, meaningful human contact. I definitely feel like I need both, and they would work in synergy to keep me fulfilled and happy. The trick, of course, is to figure out how to find the right projects and meet the right people and then to cultivate and nurture those aspects of my life to keep them in balance. Right now, I'm just struggling to overcome that inertia that is keeping me from taking those first steps to start actually making those connections and improving my situation. I'm determined to make it happen, though, regardless of how uncomfortable the introvert inside me feels about it.

 

[steelyman]

Start where you are.

Although you're welcomed here, it isn't actual in-person interaction.

A surgeon recently gave me great advice that was simple but helped: "Walk with confidence". You could substitute "meet" for "walk", if meeting people is really what you want.

 

[inky]

Where do coworkers fit in on that graphic

Depends... I work for a megacorp on a three-month-on, three-month-off basis. For me, only one or two coworkers are in the close friends circle, and the rest are acquaintances or strangers.

My coworkers are good people but I don't have too much in common with most of them outside of the shared work context. It's much easier for me to find kindred spirits in other values-based communities such as the Unitarian church or a secular Buddhist group I belong to.

 

[redduck]

No matter how introverted anyone in this thread says they are, I bet I have you all beat

Interesting: an introvert, yet quite competitive. Anybody know if those two characteristics commonly go together?

 

[Totoro]

Where do coworkers fit in on that graphic

They are in the inmates category.

Oh .. it says "intimates" ..

 

[old woman]

I am pretty much alone because I refuse to dial a phone. I have always hated calling people, fine if they call me but nobody does.
My social network is a boyfriend 100 miles away that calls every few days and a brother who might call once or twice a month to invite me to play pinochle and his wife and kids and his wife's siblings and their kids and grandkids on some holidays. Looking forward to Thanksgiving at her sister's I have known her family 47 years but see them less than once a year.
I don't really seek out people but I like seeing them when I see them. My cousin send me a message asking to use my chain saw sharpener so she might come by one day this week. I think I will build a chicken house tomorrow so a trip to the hardware store. So I have been thinking of the design for the new chicken house and can't sleep, it is only for one chicken so will be pretty small, hope she likes it. I will deliver it soon so she can have a nicer place for winter.
I tried volunteering and tried the gym but don't like to schedule things I stay up until nearly dawn then sleep to after noon. I need more regular hours.

 

[folivier]

This pretty much sums me up. "Missing out" bothered me for years until I finally realized it was ok. Only bothers me occasionally now.

Introvert's guide to socializing, from Comics, Quizzes, and Stories - The Oatmeal

 

[Music Lover]

I wonder how many introverts avoid moving upon retirement simply due to the difficulty in making new friends. Those who have lived in the same place for a long time have already established a network of friends and acquaintances that fill the need for companionship....even though the need for social contact for an introvert is less than that of others, it is still required for most people. Starting from scratch in an area where you don't know anyone may be too daunting for many.

 

[omni550]

I wonder how many introverts avoid moving upon retirement simply due to the difficulty in making new friends. Those who have lived in the same place for a long time have already established a network of friends and acquaintances that fill the need for companionship....even though the need for social contact for an introvert is less than that of others, it is still required for most people. Starting from scratch in an area where you don't know anyone may be too daunting for many.

Of course, introverts who may have gotten most of their social needs met through work connections may find that they have few social connection outside of work, even if they have lived in the same place for years.

Also, if one chooses to move to an area with an active seasonal senior population (such as places in Florida or Arizona), an introvert might actually find it easier to make connections than at home.

omni

 

[EvrClrx311]

"The monotony and solitude of a quiet life stimulate the creative mind." - Albert Einstein

This quote is quite encompassing for those of us who are introverts... it's rubbish for the other half. For me, I could build a cabin in the forest and not see a soul for months... and come out of it completely energized. For my companion is knowledge and thought, philosophy - crafts and creations. Others, would quite literally go insane. To each his own. It's what makes humanity beautiful.

 

[Sojourner]

I wonder how many introverts avoid moving upon retirement simply due to the difficulty in making new friends. Those who have lived in the same place for a long time have already established a network of friends and acquaintances that fill the need for companionship....even though the need for social contact for an introvert is less than that of others, it is still required for most people. Starting from scratch in an area where you don't know anyone may be too daunting for many.

This is a big factor for me, one that has crossed my mind many times when I've thought about moving to a new city. With each passing year, I do yearn to live in other places and experience other communities and regional cultures, but it's so hard to imagine leaving behind the few good friends and family members I have here in my hometown, especially knowing how difficult it is for me to put myself out there and meet new people. For now, I've decided to just take some long trips each year to different places to help satisfy that urge for new scenery and communities.

 

[Meadbh]

Some years prior to ER I had identified where I wanted to move. I already had a couple of friends there. I also found a temporary job, which helped me to learn a lot more about the new area and helped pay for the move. As well, there is a wonderful newcomers' club where I have found many new friends. I feel quite at home here now and I can regulate the amount of social contact I have.

 

[Skyward1]

Very interesting thread - thank you Sojourner for starting it. I have to nip down the road to get a back x-ray, feed the neighborhood cat, and buy some fish, but I will be returning to read every post here in detail.

No matter how introverted anyone in this thread says they are, I bet I have you all beat

I think nearly all people (and probably everyone in this forum) need some social contact - no matter how introverted, shy or grumpy we are We just differ in the amount.

Although I did have same-sex friends when I was younger, that has dwindled as I have aged (I'm now 51) and now my only close friend is my SO. She's not my girlfriend, and we drive each other nuts if we spend too much time together but for where I'm at in my life, it seems to work reasonably well. I do have one or two other people I can talk to about problems and personal issues, but she is my main buddy and companion. We speak on the phone every day, and see each other once or twice a week. That is enough for me.

I've heard people say that having very few friends is a risky business, as if you lose the few relationships you have, you have little left. That's true, but the people who say things like that are usually extroverts (or reasonably sociable introverts), for whom socializing and making friends comes more easily, and is something they naturally want to do. Having more than a very, very small close social circle would put my circuits into overload, and probably trigger off some combination of social anxiety and old-retired-man-grumpiness I'm just way happier with one close friend, and a fair amount of casual social interaction. Any more is too much for me. I'd rather risk losing the very few friends I have and have to go through a period of loneliness than suffer the excruciating tedium of having to cultivate more friends than I want or need. I am not by any means a misanthrope - I think people are fine. I'd just prefer, for the most part, to observe them from a distance.

I get to talk to lots of locals when I sit outside and feed the neighborhood cat every day. I enjoy talking to my neighbors, and people in the places I shop at. I had a lovely chat and a laugh with the X-ray technician who X-rayed my back this afternoon. Yesterday, a great chat with the proprietor of my local bicycle store. When I'm done with my errands though, I like to go home, maybe talk to my SO on the phone, make dinner, and hang out with the cats. To some it might be dull, but this life is wonderful for me.

Sojourner - sorry I don't have any tips for you, but I think others have already contributed in that regard. You'll find your own level, I'm sure. Just give it time.

I think I would give you a run for your money. That is extroverted as far as I'm concerned.

 

[Skyward1]

I finished reading the entire thread and unfortunately discovered I have misanthropic/schizoid tendencies after doing a quick internet search. I think I'm on the mild side of the m/s spectrum but may be on the somewhat extreme end of introversion scale. I'm cool with that.

Good luck op and I enjoyed reading the discussion.

 

[Turn_the_Page]

Another introvert here. Still working for a bit longer, but a couple of thoughts.

As a married couple with no kids, our social life really suffered through our late 30s and 40s. Due primarily to our peers and their kid-centric lives. Now that we're past that, it's like a different world. Yes, some of our friends are older, but that's OK.

Here in Texas, we really enjoy the FREE country-western dance lessons at two dance halls nearby. It's a lot more diverse group than you might imagine. Lots of regulars and so it's like a big group of new friends.

Introverts recharge with alone time, extroverts with other people time. Introverts want social contact, but then need the solitude again.

As a lapsed Methodist/Presbyterian, I would second the recommendation to try the UU church. It is very different and there is no dogma, other than "please stay afterward for the coffee/tea and discussion". Like any outfit, it all depends on the people there, so you never know if it'll click or not.

 

[Mulligan]

Another introvert here. Still working for a bit longer, but a couple of thoughts.

As a married couple with no kids, our social life really suffered through our late 30s and 40s. Due primarily to our peers and their kid-centric lives. Now that we're past that, it's like a different world. Yes, some of our friends are older, but that's OK.

Here in Texas, we really enjoy the FREE country-western dance lessons at two dance halls nearby. It's a lot more diverse group than you might imagine. Lots of regulars and so it's like a big group of new friends.

Introverts recharge with alone time, extroverts with other people time. Introverts want social contact, but then need the solitude again.

As a lapsed Methodist/Presbyterian, I would second the recommendation to try the UU church. It is very different and there is no dogma, other than "please stay afterward for the coffee/tea and discussion". Like any outfit, it all depends on the people there, so you never know if it'll click or not.

I can see the child thing causing problems, because it has for us in the opposite way. Out of my 4 adult life friends, two had kids the traditional age that I did and the other 2 (about 5 years younger) waited until their 40s a few years ago to start a family. We (GF and I) find ourselves involved way more with the other 2. We have gotten old and crotchety and don't want to hang out with kids. Still good friends but the time together doing things has shrunk considerably.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[splitwdw]

...As a married couple with no kids, our social life really suffered through our late 30s and 40s. Due primarily to our peers and their kid-centric lives. Now that we're past that, it's like a different world. Yes, some of our friends are older, but that's OK.....

In my 40's and same thing as far as not having kids and friends having kids. Some of your friends disappear while the kids are growing up and then reappear. Some never come back. We belong to a couple car clubs and see it all the time. We were talking about this recently. People start coming back to the club once the kids are older, if they haven't sold their car. Then the same people start disappearing when their kids start having kids. Their now grandparents and they disappear again. We went to a retirement party last night and more than one couple wasn't there because the grandkids were in Halloween parades/parties.

 

[BellBarbara]

I moved with my hub due to his work, and never made friends here before we retired (just too busy working). So this year I made the effort to make friends, and I thought it was pretty easy. I used Meetups. There were maybe 10 that were interesting to me, but I zero'd in on two - one was a wine club that did regular tastings maybe 2-3 times a month. The first night I sat myself at a table with all women my age - I liked one woman and texted her after the. We now do things socially regularly. She was also new to the area.

I did the same thing with another group, it was a group of people in 50s and 60s just social, getting together at various low kep activities (pizza, mexican food, etc). I did the same thing, and met another friend.

I was sort of surprised at how easy it was for how long I drug my feet. My hub is a serious introvert and he was happy that I made friends and invite them over so he does not feel stressed to do social things with me.

 

[BellBarbara]

When my husband was single after divorce he joined a hiking club as he loves hiking. As an introvert he was able to take a break by just looking down and climbing. He met lots of people - lots of single women also - this was about age 45 or so.

 

[traineeinvestor]

As an introvert, I'm happy to be alone with a good book or out on the trails by myself, but I don't want to feel isolated. Fortunately, it's not hard to find things that let me have a controlled amount of interaction with others:

go and study something old or new - I did a part time MFA
volunteer at a non-profit there are lots to choose from - I do fostering for the SPCA, act as secretary for a nonprofit and race marshal for one or two running races
take up a new hobby and meet with other enthusiasts - my local writers' group has a monthly social
meet up with former colleagues/friends - I keep a list of the people I like and usually do 1-2 lunches or drinks/dinners a week
join a gym (what W2R said)
remind family that I exist from time to time
[-]
get a job
[/-]

The nice thing about all of these is that I am in full control of how much contact I have and can dial it up or down as desired.

 

[haha]

Although I did have same-sex friends when I was younger, that has dwindled as I have aged (I'm now 51) and now my only close friend is my SO. She's not my girlfriend, and we drive each other nuts if we spend too much time together but for where I'm at in my life, it seems to work reasonably well.

Can you help me? I must not understand what an SO is. I thought it was someone's steady lover, who would then also be a boyfriend or girlfriend, depending on their sex.

Is there some other meaning of SO? I realize it means "significant other", but what relationship isn't significant? I assumed SO was code for "I'm not married, but neither am I open to dating because I have that covered already".

Ha