Coping with excessive solitude

[W2R]

Gosh...... I've always considered myself closer to extrovert than introvert. But after reading all the social activities, friendships, etc., the self-identified introverts here are talking about having, I guess I'm an introvert. My circles of friends (from close to casual), socialization patterns and comfort with some alone-time seem pretty similar to what the so-called introverts are describing here.

Or perhaps the introverts here only think of extroverts in the extreme sense?

Maybe I'm wrong, but I imagine that self-identifying as an introvert is considered to be cool these days. At any rate, I too find it interesting to read some of the posts by people who say they are introverts.

 

[FIREd]

Maybe I'm wrong, but I imagine that self-identifying as an introvert is considered to be cool these days. At any rate, I too find it interesting to read some of the posts by people who say they are introverts.

Posting, in itself, is reaching out to others so no one here can truly claim to be an introvert.

I find it exhausting to socialize with others (even via the internet), but it does not mean that I avoid it at all cost. Socialization has its rewards too. But I think that it still puts me on the introverted side of the spectrum. If, on the other hand, one gets energized by social interactions, then one is more likely to be extroverted IMO.

At the end of the day, those are just labels anyway. We each have to find the level of socialization that best fits our DNA so to speak. Going back to the OP, I see solitude as voluntary and therefore desirable so perhaps what you are hinting at is loneliness?

 

[Eagle43]

I'm an introvert and love cruises. I love the calming feeling of watching the ocean as the ship moves along. There are plenty of quiet places on the ship to sit and listen to music, gaze at the water or sky, people watch, or just enjoy the sun and read. I always get a bthe
Ealcony cabin so I can retreat to my cabin and still sit out to see the ocean. We can see a show if we want at night, but don't have to. Sometimes we get off at the ports and sometimes we don't. The nice thing about cruises is the variety of choice if you want to participate or not. Sometimes the guy at the piano bar is great and we spend most nights there, or we find something else or nothing. We have three cruises booked over the next 16 months.


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We have been on several cruises. Whenever we are dining we ask the other diners where they are from and go from there. Example: On one cruise I asked every non-USA individual how they compared their medical care to ours. (All preferred theirs to ours). I will discuss sports, music, etc and can usually have a friendly conversation with anybody. I made the mistake of telling a couple of senior Brits how much I liked Maggie Thatcher. They didn't.

We have shared taxis with other cruisers on shore excursions. No big deal.

OTOH: I have seen many people with a paperback or tablet just reading on a sofa or in the library. And yes you can stay in your room if that's your thing.

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[Amethyst]

I'm energized by some social interactions, and deflated by others. Everything depends on the people, personalities, and what is said and done during the interaction.

How can you be "one or the other" consistently, when social interactions can involve so many different kinds of people and personalities?

Amethyst

 

[W2R]

Posting, in itself, is reaching out to others so no one here can truly claim to be an introvert.

Good point!

I love to post on the internet (obviously!). So, I guess that makes me an internet extrovert, at least, even though I don't seek out the company of anyone but Frank IRL any more and also love having lots of solitude too.

 

[Meadbh]

If you are a solo traveler, cruising can be expensive unless you work with a travel agent (or use Vacations To Go) to find cruises with no single supplement. I enjoy cruising so long as I have a comfortable stateroom to escape to. Paying extra for a balcony is definitely worth it if you are sailing in warm waters. On large cruise ships with assigned dinner seating, you will be meeting the same group of people every evening. On a 10 day Caribbean cruise, I was at a table with 9 other people. Most of them were quite interesting, but there was one old geezer who annoyed me. One evening when I had had enough of his intrusive questions, I chose to eat at the (almost empty) casual restaurant instead. There are lots of choices on an ocean going cruise ship. On a river cruise, there are fewer places to escape to, but you leave the ship every day.

 

[HFWR]

Believe me, being non-political in a blue state (Ultra Blue actually) isn't any easier.

Agreed, though not too many of the blue persuasion here.

“It is a single paradigm, and single paradigms, no matter how helpful in and of themselves, can be dangerous. They become the thing they are supposed to represent in the mind of the believer. In religion, it is known as idolatry, worshipping the statue that is merely the representation of the real. Most people only give themselves so much to a single point of view, whether they admit it to themselves or not. To believe, to truly believe, is to do. When one accepts a single paradigm, he becomes a true believer. There is nothing quite so rare…or so dangerous.”

James Rozoff, Perchance to Dream

 

[easysurfer]

If you are a solo traveler, cruising can be expensive unless you work with a travel agent (or use Vacations To Go) to find cruises with no single supplement. I enjoy cruising so long as I have a comfortable stateroom to escape to. Paying extra for a balcony is definitely worth it if you are sailing in warm waters. On large cruise ships with assigned dinner seating, you will be meeting the same group of people every evening. On a 10 day Caribbean cruise, I was at a table with 9 other people. Most of them were quite interesting, but there was one old geezer who annoyed me. One evening when I had had enough of his intrusive questions, I chose to eat at the (almost empty) casual restaurant instead. There are lots of choices on an ocean going cruise ship. On a river cruise, there are fewer places to escape to, but you leave the ship every day.

Booking my cruise (solo traveler, own cabin, but will meet up with folks at the cruise) I kept hearing the sound cha-Ching! as yes, not having a cabinmate can be expensive. I couldn't justify the added cost of the balcony and window with the solo booking at all. I do have second thoughts, but my rationale is the same as if I go to an event on land. I didn't go for the fancy hotel. Plus, I'm not much of a water person so I'm sure there will be plenty of water to see beside from a balcony.

I really don't mind the solitude of having my own cabin (can be as tidy or messy as I want ).

 

[CaliforniaMan]

I'm energized by some social interactions, and deflated by others. Everything depends on the people, personalities, and what is said and done during the interaction.

How can you be "one or the other" consistently, when social interactions can involve so many different kinds of people and personalities?

Amethyst

+1
Very well said!

 

[Sojourner]

If one gets energized by social interactions, then one is more likely to be extroverted IMO.

At the end of the day, those are just labels anyway. We each have to find the level of socialization that best fits our DNA so to speak. Going back to the OP, I see solitude as voluntary and therefore desirable so perhaps what you are hinting at is loneliness?

Yes, exactly. These labels are merely short-hand conveniences for describing what is really an almost infinite variety of personality types. I used the words "solitude" and "introvert" to describe my particular situation in a succinct way, whereas the reality is far more complex than a few mere words can convey.

I do think you may be right about solitude vs. loneliness in a broad sense. Solitude tends to imply more of a choice, or something you seek as a refuge from being around too many people all the time. In my case, I've found that while I do enjoy solitude far more than the "typical" person, my recent transition to RE (technically, ESR) has made it pretty apparent that my enjoyment of solitude only goes so far. I can be content with, say, 24 or 48 or sometimes even 72 hours without any real human contact, but when it creeps beyond that I usually start feeling quite depressed and anxious -- and even start to question whether I made the right choice to ESR at this point in my life.

I recently read "How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free" and was able to gain some helpful insights about these issues, and I'm gonna go back and re-read it over the next few days. Ultimately, I know I have to start putting myself out there in the world and making more connections (kind of like if I were looking for a job). Just need as many ideas as I can possibly get to help motivate and inspire me, because the introvert inside me is so reluctant and skittish about taking the initiative.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

Yes, exactly. These labels are merely short-hand conveniences for describing what is really an almost infinite variety of personality types. I used the words "solitude" and "introvert" to describe my particular situation in a succinct way, whereas the reality is far more complex than a few mere words can convey.

I do think you may be right about solitude vs. loneliness in a broad sense. Solitude tends to imply more of a choice, or something you seek as a refuge from being around too many people all the time. In my case, I've found that while I do enjoy solitude far more than the "typical" person, my recent transition to RE (technically, ESR) has made it pretty apparent that my enjoyment of solitude only goes so far. I can be content with, say, 24 or 48 or sometimes even 72 hours without any real human contact, but when it creeps beyond that I usually start feeling quite depressed and anxious -- and even start to question whether I made the right choice to ESR at this point in my life.

I recently read "How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free" and was able to gain some helpful insights about these issues, and I'm gonna go back and re-read it over the next few days. Ultimately, I know I have to start putting myself out there in the world and making more connections (kind of like if I were looking for a job). Just need as many ideas as I can possibly get to help motivate and inspire me, because the introvert inside me is so reluctant and skittish about taking the initiative.

I think it's easy. I'm around your age and FIREd. I also live in the ATL area (NW side of town). Time for a beer.

There...done and done.

 

[youbet]

I'm energized by some social interactions, and deflated by others. Everything depends on the people, personalities, and what is said and done during the interaction.

How can you be "one or the other" consistently, when social interactions can involve so many different kinds of people and personalities?

Amethyst

+1 What she said........

 

[calmloki]

Sister got me a T-shirt. Not really sure what she is thinking - I am just such a social cuss.

WP_20151027_001.jpg Photo by calmloki | Photobucket

 

[jIMOh]

Hobbies- such as organized sports.
Volunteer for a cause you are passionate about
Start traveling

or install Tinder on your phone and see what happens

 

[hnzw_rui]

Sister got me a T-shirt. Not really sure what she is thinking - I am just such a social cuss.

WP_20151027_001.jpg Photo by calmloki | Photobucket

Lol, I have that shirt, too.

 

[steelyman]

Several years ago, I heard an interview on a local NPR station with an associate professor of clinical psychology from Kansas (that's where he was then, anyway) named Dr. Stephen Ilardi. The topic was more broad than this thread, focusing on mild depression and ways to cope without drugs. His approach seems ridiculously simple, but makes sense. Social interaction was a big item, along with handling rumination (the tendency to dwell on things).

The link to the original program is here:

https://will.illinois.edu/afternoonmagazine/program/aftmag090721

 

[ER Eddie]

Someone said solitude is the cure for loneliness. I forget who, but there's truth in that as well.

 

[razztazz]

Blaise Pascal — 'All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.'

 

[Meadbh]

I can be content with, say, 24 or 48 or sometimes even 72 hours without any real human contact, but when it creeps beyond that I usually start feeling quite depressed and anxious -- and even start to question whether I made the right choice to ESR at this point in my life.

I recently read "How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free" and was able to gain some helpful insights about these issues, and I'm gonna go back and re-read it over the next few days. Ultimately, I know I have to start putting myself out there in the world and making more connections (kind of like if I were looking for a job). Just need as many ideas as I can possibly get to help motivate and inspire me, because the introvert inside me is so reluctant and skittish about taking the initiative.

Yes, there is no way around it; you just have to take the initiative. However, if you get involved in some activities that have a regular schedule, you will only have to take a big step the first time. After a few months, you will form some friendships. Yes, it does take that long.

I am still learning what works best for me. For example, I participate in a walking group with coffee afterwards, in golf (loads of fun, now winding down for the season), arts events, book clubs, monthly coffee meetings, monthly dining out, etc. Once on the list, I can miss an event if I have a conflicting commitment or simply don't feel like going. I have also tried a group where you dine at people's homes and take turns to host, but I found that too stressful.

 

[dvalley]

We're all programmed with different personalities, I have a handful of close friends and a very small family (a daughter, a gf...ok and a 65lbs dog) which is all I need. Of course my siblings, mom/dad too but we're worlds apart so not much more than facetime once a week. I'm satisfied with that, I was never a social butterfly nor am I a lone wolf. I love the idea of a ranch with my closest neighbors being a good few acres away but honestly that's just my emotions talking after always being a city slicker in socal. In reality I don't think I'll enjoy living off the beaten path for too long. Additionally I found (in two years being single after my divorce) that I didn't truly enjoy being the lonesome wolf, whenever I went some place nice, or bought something cool I wished I had someone to share those joyous moments with.

So if you're like me then my suggestions are: circle the dating sites + circle the rescue shelters = cure for excessive solitude

 

[haha]

That's a hard age group, as you said, with most of your peers working full time and having limited time for socializing, and I think it can be difficult for men to make close friends with other men after a certain point.

This is really true. When we are young, men make friends easily. Then most of the more sociable ones get married, and if there is anything a typical wife is not fond of is her husband having single friends.

What I call quasi-friendships are one possibility. You may share some sport, and get together to play. Sometimes it can generalize from this, sometimes not.

OTOH, women are often available as friends for single men. And women make good friends because they are not afraid of feelings. Male friendships can resemble jousting, which is fine when you are 30 but gets old when you are 60 or 70. The rub with cross-sex friendships is that some number of them detour to bed, and if you or she already have a man-woman thing going with someone else, this is awkward. I have made a good friend in one guy who lives in my building.He might borrow cooking oil or some utensil One day he asked me to borrow some Viagra. I guess my age made it seem likely that I might have some. When I said I didn't have any, he explained that it was for a friend. True friendships IMO are often made when you have been drunk together, or somehow exposed more of your true self than many men feel comfortable doing (or observing). This is part of the reason it tends to be easier to make deep friendships when you are young.

Regarding meetups, most of them that are general interest or neighborhood based tend to be mostly women, which for a man who is not looking specifically for a female can be tedious, especially in a hyper-liberal, hyper-PC area like Seattle.

Ha

 

[Kabekew]

I'm in the same situation as OP, mid-40's, no spouse or kids, live alone, and like OP I soon felt isolated after ER. For me it was mostly about feeling connected, not to just other people but to my community, society in general, and even my old profession (software engineering in a particular niche) where I still have an academic and research interest.

What I did find was I don't like going out during the weekdays, because around here anyway it's almost all the conventionally-retired 70-90 age group and if anything the age differences made me feel even more disconnected. Instead, I spend most weekdays "w*rking" in the sense I sit in my home office with one of the business or news channels on the TV in the background (helps me feel part of what's going on "right now," almost like an office environment but without any of the stress or B.S.) while I do research (researching whatever the heck interests me), participate in my old industry chat boards and forums (keeps me feeling connected to a big interest in my life) and working on open-source software projects (keeps my skills sharp, plus I like programming). To me, it's all the good parts of w*rk with none of the bad.

Other than that I've done many of the other things people have suggested here. I'm happy with ER now after six years and don't feel isolated like I did initially.

 

[GreenER]

Oh, they are very disorganized.

True dat! Unitarians come from all religious back grounds and are usually not pedantic. They do tend to swing to the more liberal side but for a liberal person it can be a great place to meet like minded people.

 

[Mulligan]

This is really true. When we are young, men make friends easily. Then most of the more sociable ones get married, and if there is anything a typical wife is not fond of is her husband having single friends.



What I call quasi-friendships are one possibility. You may share some sport, and get together to play. Sometimes it can generalize from this, sometimes not.



OTOH, women are often available as friends for single men. And women make good friends because they are not afraid of feelings. Male friendships can resemble jousting, which is fine when you are 30 but gets old when you are 60 or 70. The rub with cross-sex friendships is that some number of them detour to bed, and if you or she already have a man-woman thing going with someone else, this is awkward. I have made a good friend in one guy who lives in my building.He might borrow cooking oil or some utensil One day he asked me to borrow some Viagra. I guess my age made it seem likely that I might have some. When I said I didn't have any, he explained that it was for a friend. True friendships IMO are often made when you have been drunk together, or somehow exposed more of your true self than many men feel comfortable doing (or observing). This is part of the reason it tends to be easier to make deep friendships when you are young.



Regarding meetups, most of them that are general interest or neighborhood based tend to be mostly women, which for a man who is not looking specifically for a female can be tedious, especially in a hyper-liberal, hyper-PC area like Seattle.



Ha

I get some social time with a weekly golf meet up and beer get togethers every other week usually. That is about it and really all I need for true "fellowship". So it is a good thing I am fine with extended solitary times. If I told my GF (who works and does not live with me) I was going to some group meetups to not be so isolated, she would immediately think I was up to no good and probably dump me.


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[omni550]

Regarding meetups, most of them that are general interest or neighborhood based tend to be mostly women,...
Ha

This probably varies from place to place. I belong to about 25 meetup groups...some are very active and some are quite inactive. I have found tons more men than women in all of the hiking/adventure meetup groups to which I belong...and especially when those groups are going on hikes (easily 70-80% males on a hike). Other meetup groups are more social, and although they are open to men, I see a handful of guys show up at happy hours, house parties, live theater events, and urban walks....but a whole bunch of guys showed up at a potluck /bonfire. My Spanish language meetup is about 50/50. So, it all depends.

omni