Coping with excessive solitude

[Texas Proud]

Wow... this one came to life quickly.....


I go to the gym, but most of the people I see are pretty young... not interested in getting to know them... also, I am still way out of shape compared to them...

Would go for basketball since I used to play when I was young (just pickup games, but not bad).... but now my wrist is sooooo tight I cannot get any backspin on the ball and I throw up bricks...


I am also wanting to look around.... but it is a chore to get out and about at times....

 

[razztazz]

razztazz: You might have accidently hit upon a solution to your never-ending quest for a social outlet:

See, this is why I opt to engage so seldom. The above is an example of made up stuff that seems to be designed to make the writer feel clever or good about him or herself. Or something. Tee hee. A response to something that was never posted. I don't know why people do this.

I am not nor have I ever been on a "never-ending quest" for a social outlet. That would be something for busy-bodies, salesman, and certain criminal elements. The never ending quest has been to have a few social encumbrances as practical. Mission accomplished.

There are even groups for the Adult Children of Castor Oil Addicts. So, if that's you, you're gonna' fit right in.

And wtf does this mean anyway? My mother wears army shoes? Have a nice day Pee wee herman

 

[Mo Money]

I listen to a lot of music (e.g., Pandora) when my SO leaves for the off*ce.

I've met a lot of neighbors because I've been working in my front yard so much.

I also joined a weekly art class in a studio. The students from other classes sometimes make up their missed classes during my time slot. And the "terms" for each art course last only 8 weeks. So there is turnover, and a lot of people I've met that way. The art studio owner has picnics and such too, which has widened my social circle a bit. I anticipate adding another type of art course at another studio on top of the current one. That will fill up the calendar.

We are also aiming to entertain more now that I "have time" (ha!) to help prepare for dinner parties and such.

As to the gym, I've only met the trainer -- everyone else wears earbuds and is listening to music! I don't consider it a terribly social place.

I've been free about 8 months, but I ain't lonely. I don't miss the off*ce at all. Not a bit.

 

[MichaelB]

Come on now, let's not sidetrack the thread.

Just a reminder that the ignore button is a better option than trading insults or crossing swords.

 

[Grigori]

I am an INFP, retired for nearly 11 months.


I'm enjoying most of the time alone. Catching up on the reading I always wanted to do.


However, there are some times when I just feel strange and out of sorts to be home alone on a weekday afternoon. Some of it is about unwanted solitude. Some of it is finally having time all to myself that the j*b never allowed, and getting comfortable with that without having to have a friend or social contact distract me.


I had lunch with two former co-workers this year. The talk revolved around gossip about the office. I realized how much I DON'T miss that kind of conversation and social contact.


On the other hand I've been out exploring various options. I'm not sure what fits me best yet. Yoga class, calling a friend up for a walk, meeting a friend for coffee, self-help groups, bible studies. The opportunities are endless, and I'm "socializing" a lot more than I did when I worked. However, it is the quality that counts for me. I find meaningless socializing very draining, and try to listen to my energy levels as people have suggest.

 

[nun]

When work stops it can be challenging to replace the its intellectual and social aspects, particularly if you live alone. I'm a bit of a misanthrope, but I also have some close friends that I see regularly for beers and to watch English soccer. I enjoy being on my own just reading, or seeing a movie and I do a lot of bicycle riding. The hardest thing for me has been not working. I have some technical skills and they are not being used.

 

[Mulligan]

There are several guys at my club who are in their 40s and don't work (trust funders) - they play golf and then cards all day.

Throw in a little gambling and that sounds like a good day! Like OP, my core friends and even GF work, so access is limited. But thanks to this forum, I was very prepared for alone stretches. I actually have decided I like it way more than I thought I would. I have went from half the town knowing who I was to a nobody and love it.
Golf is a great way to get social involvement though. After years of prodding from my 86 year old neighbor I started participating in retiree group golf outings twice a week. It is 4 man scramble type. The pairings change each time but the end result is usually the same. Me (age 51) and 3 partners in their 70s and 80s. Its a total riot!


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[HFWR]

Come on now, let's not sidetrack the thread.



Just a reminder that the ignore button is a better option than trading insults or crossing swords.

Though not nearly as much fun...

I enjoy hanging with my few friends, and going to the occasional concert or sporting event. But I've also noticed that I have about a two-hour window, after which I get fidgety to return to the nest.

Being relatively non-consumerist, non-religious, and non-political in a red state, well-to-do suburb in the Bible Belt makes finding like-minded friends somewhat challenging...

 

[frayne]

Being relatively non-consumerist, non-religious, and non-political in a red state, well-to-do suburb in the Bible Belt makes finding like-minded friends somewhat challenging...

I can relate living in the actual buckle of the bible belt. One of the first questions usually asked is what church do you go to ? There is literally a church on every corner and it is a big part of many people's social circle and life.

 

[Sasset]

I am ans ISTP. I like my alone time, but can get bored. I have some of the same concerns when I retire in just over 100 days. Friends and family ask what will you do? You can't quit work, but I am bored at work now.

I would rather be traveling and learning when I want to than be chained to a job I just go through the motions on. I think FIRE will be a journey that I will just have to jump into

 

[Sojourner]

I find meaningless socializing very draining, and try to listen to my energy levels as people have suggest.

Pretty much my thoughts, exactly. I need relatively small amounts of meaningful social interactions with people I genuinely like and enjoy being with. Just talking to random people who happen to work in the same office doesn't really count towards that... although it is something. It is kind of interesting, however, that I met all of my close friends in office environments over the years. I suppose that's just a function of how many 10s of thousands of hours I spent in offices over the past 20 years and how many hundreds of people I met and worked with over that time span.

In terms of listening to my energy levels, I think that's exactly what I'm doing. I've come to the stark realization that I genuinely crave more human contact, and I am "listening" to that rather than just dismiss it as something external, like what society at large might think I should be doing. My comfort zone is clearly staying here at home and not going out in the world injecting myself into new and unfamiliar social settings. But I've realized that is a recipe for continued loneliness, thus the motivation for starting this thread. In other words, what's a classic introvert such as myself to do when he realizes he really does want more human contact?

 

[jetpack]

Well, I'm in the same boat. Mid 40's, single, guy, introverted, mostly retired... I've been at it for a few years now, and I can't say I have the solution. It's work to get involved with things.

Most of my friends are well older or well younger. No one my age is around in the middle of the day.

Activity groups were my go to earlier, but I got injured. (running, biking, hiking, etc)

I've gone to bars and made friends with a bunch of drunks.. But risked becoming one myself.

I've joked about getting a j*b, just to meet people...

But, for introverts, it's all about having a few close friends. That needs work and
attention, and hopefully some shared activities. Having low key dinner parties for
friends is one of my goals...

 

[redduck]

If castor oil comes from castor beans, what does baby oil come from?

baby beans?

 

[Mulligan]

Though not nearly as much fun...

I enjoy hanging with my few friends, and going to the occasional concert or sporting event. But I've also noticed that I have about a two-hour window, after which I get fidgety to return to the nest.

Being relatively non-consumerist, non-religious, and non-political in a red state, well-to-do suburb in the Bible Belt makes finding like-minded friends somewhat challenging...

As I have slowly stepped out of my tight social circle, I have learned something I never really paid attention to before as it was never an issue. That being piping down my off the cuff remarks. I have had to adapt to "When in Rome do as....".


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[HFWR]

Though not nearly as much fun...

I enjoy hanging with my few friends, and going to the occasional concert or sporting event. But I've also noticed that I have about a two-hour window, after which I get fidgety to return to the nest.

Being relatively non-consumerist, non-religious, and non-political in a red state, well-to-do suburb in the Bible Belt makes finding like-minded friends somewhat challenging...

I would add that my previous post was meant to be descriptive, and not necessarily critical. But many around these parts do tend to be very vocal, and very adamant, about their belief system, and are often unwilling to listen to others' points-of-view, or, at the very least, shut the hell up about theirs...

 

[Moemg]

When I was looking for new friends I got a listing of all the clubs that were available and tried out a few .After a few meetings you know if this is something you want to stay with . I settled on a book club and have a whole new group of casual friends . I also met a nice group of women at water aerobics . We meet weekly for lunch and occasionally do other things together. That is plenty of contact for me . I do have an SO but I also like having a few other friends .

 

[Sojourner]

Most of my friends are well older or well younger. No one my age is around in the middle of the day.

Activity groups were my go to earlier, but I got injured. (running, biking, hiking, etc)

I've gone to bars and made friends with a bunch of drunks.. But risked becoming one myself.

I've joked about getting a j*b, just to meet people...

But, for introverts, it's all about having a few close friends. That needs work and attention, and hopefully some shared activities. Having low key dinner parties for friends is one of my goals...

Good to know that I'm not alone in the world, jetpack! I'm thinking about getting involved in some activities or sports groups (like tennis or golf or hiking), but yeah... I'm definitely staying away from the bars. As for dinner parties, that's a good idea if you already have a sizable group of close friends, but for me it doesn't work so well because a) I only have a handful of good friends and b) they are so busy with their own lives that it's hard to schedule time with them. And, like I mentioned in a previous post, continuing to spend time just with them won't really help me broaden my social horizons. It's pretty obvious that I'm going to have to take some initiative to get out there and meet new people, but as an introvert... that's a heavy lift.

 

[Dawg52]

I never had a dog until ~10 years ago, and no doubt the lab and golden I now have bring a huge joy in my life.

I got a golden retriever many years ago, mainly to get me off the sofa and do some walking. Amazing how many people you meet on a trail or in the neighborhood with your dog. They are a great conversation starter that I wouldn't have otherwise if just walking by myself. Great company too. After she died I got a lab. I have met so many people at my vacation condo as a result of having him. Most people just like animals.

Animals are a lot of responsibility and can be costly, but the benefits outweigh the cons imo. And I agree with others, join a gym or golf club. A good way to put some structure in your life and another way to meet people.

 

[EastWest Gal]

Though not nearly as much fun...

I enjoy hanging with my few friends, and going to the occasional concert or sporting event. But I've also noticed that I have about a two-hour window, after which I get fidgety to return to the nest.

Being relatively non-consumerist, non-religious, and non-political in a red state, well-to-do suburb in the Bible Belt makes finding like-minded friends somewhat challenging...

I have a feeling there are a lot of like minded people just like you out there. They just don't converse about religion or politics because they aren't religious or political.


If the OP has any interests or hobbies that lend themselves to getting together, it helps. I'm in 3 community music groups and have gradually made friends that way. There's not much need to talk--we are too busy playing at rehearsals. In fact, too much talking is a problem! And most of use are obviously introverts.

One specific suggestion I have is check out helping out at a local community theater. They need more people building and painting sets, running lights and sound, handing out programs, etc. than they do performers. Work on a project that's fun and creative with strangers for a day and you won't be strangers anymore after a day or two. These theaters have a new play or musical every couple of months so there is always a new set to build and yet there is a great deal of down time. And you can help as much or as little as you wish. And talk as much or as little as you wish.

Our area has four little theaters and the same folks rotate around some of them, so you see people just enough to feel social and connected, and not so much that you are stressed. The same is true with my music groups. And there are a lot of non-religious and non-political folks in these groups.

Many music and theater group folks are early retirees, and all ages are represented in these groups. DS joined one of my bands when he was 12 and we had a trombonist celebrate their 80th birthday that year.

Ditto with square and contra dancing, which are fun and easy to learn. Most square dance groups regularly have beginners classes. BTW single females often outnumber single males in these groups. In high school I met three of my boyfriends through square dancing. The last one stuck and became DH 31 years ago.

All these suggestions beat going to bars!


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[Sojourner]

Ditto with square and contra dancing, which are fun and easy to learn. Most square dance groups regularly have beginners classes. BTW single females often outnumber single males in these groups. In high school I met three of my boyfriends through square dancing. The last one stuck and became DH 31 years ago.

All these suggestions beat going to bars!

Great suggestion. I have been thinking of looking into what kinds of dancing clubs or groups I could join nearby, because I had heard from a few friends and coworkers years ago how great these were for meeting people and socializing. I remember about 15 years ago this guy at my office told me about how he was into ballroom dancing and how many women he'd met that way. He urged me to go with him one evening, but I (stupidly) didn't do it. Definitely something I need to look into now.

 

[Likes_to_Lurk]

Great thread! INTJ here, so I can relate to much of the discussion.

A number of years ago, I used some outplacement services and worked with a career counselor. Networking is such a staple of j*b hunting. I hate networking!! My counselor encouraged me to move just a little bit outside of my comfort zone, but not so much that I would risk failure. This is one of the most valuable pieces of advice I have ever received. Although it was acquired in the context of j*b hunting, I think it applies to the OP's situation.

To the OP, it can be hard to find just where that comfort zone is. But from some of your subsequent posts, it seems that you are willing to try things. You will get there. Best of luck. Please post on your progress. Unless you get too busy!

 

[Gotadimple]

Meetup.com
Sojourner, you identified that you need to get out more. Use this website to find groups near you that do things you like to do. Want a daily long walk? Like to Garden? There are so many groups of people who have similar interests, that you can just pick and choose.

Most of the time, these groups are not for hooking up, but for being around those who enjoy the same things you do.

- Rita

 

[Silver]

Nope, don't have one of those currently, although I'm trying. For whatever reason, I've had pretty awful luck in the romance department my whole life, but I'm doing my best to keep my chin up and continue the search!

Regarding finding a significant other; I used Match.com for about two years, and had a really great time. That's how I met my DH of 8 years. I think there have been other threads here about online dating, with lots of pros and cons. But I am STRONGLY on the pro side, even though I am very much an introvert and pretty shy.

The key for me when meeting someone was to keep the expectations low. I met over 50 guys in the two years I used Match, and had a really great time. I would say that 75% of guys were really very nice, good people who represented themselves honestly. The other 25% were highly entertaining, so it was all good.

Just a plug if you haven't tried it.

 

[Fedup]

I looked up meetup.com for gardening in my area. I'm glad of this thread, I was worrying I might have similar problem. All my relatives are busy hustling, only my husband and I are retiring. Empty nester here.


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[Walt34]

I have three big mutts, and sad as it may seem, I prefer their company to that of any of my fellow wage-slaves at MegaCorp.

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